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You've probably similar to this but this a guy looking for perspective

(22 Posts)
Camopp Tue 13-Mar-18 13:09:30

've decided to post this online, I'm quite a private person

Around two years ago, I met a colleague at work who I took an instant liking too after a bit of small chat. We started emailing back and forth for a while, nothing heavy and you know just getting to know each other. She's quite nice and a bit shy ect. Eventually I asked her on a date and gave her my number to which she said she wasn't looking to date anyone. Fine, it happens you move on. I said if she ever wanted to hang out as friends then I would be cool with that which she came back and said yea defo she would love to. I mirrored back her interest as you know if someone wants to be friends then I just think of it as that and not put them in that romantic spotlight right so there no confusion, you move on and await to meet the next potential romantic/person to date. So with this friend, she initiated texting with me, fine. Started getting texts messages everyday from her which I thought was a bit strange but you know you just go with it. We start hanging, going for dinner, going for walks in the park ect. We were playing tennis one day, just hanging and talking, can't remember about what and she says you do love me right. I'm like quite stunned at this point as you know I thought we were mates so I think I ignored it (can't remember what I did say but whatever it was we just went back and carried on playing tennis like it was no big deal. I got confused and was like I guess we're dating and wanted to talk about it but then she would be like no no we're just really close friends so again I was like okay I misread and again just see her as a friend.. She came round to my house twice for dinner and just hanging out again. I didn't make any moves or try to get close because she was happy to sit next to me but a bit further away.Eventually we're in the kitchen and she comes close to me and says im not used to this, I was talking about something else and a bit stunned again as Im like is she into me is she not so I did push her away this time. I was like I don't get this. We carried on as if nothing happened and we're watching tv. Next thing I know she's crying and saying things like I dont know whats going inside me and I'm confused and I don't want to mess you around. How do I know your right for me and when will I get chance to meet someone I have a spark with and am attracted too again like this. I was like okay look you know to look inside and decide what you want to do. She apologized after and I didn't get n touch. Three days later I get a text saying I miss you so I was like okay so I know now she wants to be with me and we go to dating. When I get close like hold her hand, she pushed me away a few times so now im like even more confused. Eventually I told her this confusion left me emotionally exhausted, go back and forth. I'm happy to have an open and raw conversation and take things from there. I told her I needed a break from this as boundaries were crossed and it just wasn't healthy. We had this over dinner so as we leave she grabs and holds my hand, Im like what. I just carried on and she's holding my hand ect. When I dropped her off there was a bit of tension but nothing happened, I'm still confused at this point. We met up a few times afterwards and she would get upset and demand that are just friends or what, why is nothing happening and I didn't know what to say. I'm no someone who can just switch my emotions on and off you know, either way dating and if we are then boom you feel comfortable to enough to get close to that person but if they keep blowing hot and cold, how are you supposed to take that leap knowing she could change her mind. Just to add she doesn't do phone calls and just texts or meeting up. Eventually I wanted to have it out but decided it needed to be a phone call and not text so I tried to ring her and she didn't answer so I texted and was like can you call me as we need to talk. she didn't get back in touch. so its been 6 months at this point. After a week I caved and texted her to say look I know I've not opened up to you but I'm quite a private person and with time I will. I got a reply saying she needed some space so I was like okay fine it would be good. Month later she got in touch and we exchanged a few messages but didn't get to the root of it right which is what is going on. After that I didn't hear from her again and she disappeared on me. At this point I'll admit, I was devastated, she did have a good side to her otherwise I wouldn't have put up with it, took me a long time to get over it but I did make peace and moved on, if she had just said hey im not feeling it then fine but to disappear with no word, pretty cruel and doesn't give you much closure. I deleted all pics and her number and decided I would move on. 16 months later, I get a message asking how I am blah blah, like nothing had happened. I was very coy and just said fine blah blah. A few messages being exchanged anyway after I while I was like how does someone just rock back up into someones life after leaving things that way so I was like no and sent a very strong message that said look you dont get to treat people that way and all you had to do was be honest and say he I'm not feeling this and done. Besides, anyone can disappear on you for that length of time and not bother defo cant be trusted. So I send this message and not expect to hear back but I did with a response say we were never dating and she knew I wanted to be more than friends so decided to take a break because she knew I wanted more. I was like okay but to disappear after texting someone everyday for 6 months and hanging out with them then without an explanation is quite cruel and I didn't get to say what I wanted to at the time . She replied saying we agreed to take a break and back to the we were not dating but apologized profusely for her behavior. I said thats fine, I've said my peace and we are now cool. It's brought up a lot of old feelings and now Im thinking was I wrong to send the message and am in the wrong? I know Im not and I wont accept someone coming into and out of my life as they please. I'm a decent guy, good job, travel and loves just doing normal stuff. I'd like some perspective on this, I know this may seem very trivial but I'd like to what know what you all think. Thanks for taking the time to read all this and apologies for the typo errors!

NotTheFordType Tue 13-Mar-18 13:15:49

Christ OP, some paragraphs might have helped!

She's playing with you. You're like a toy she can get out of a box and play with for a bit until she's bored.

Get your self-respect together and tell her to jog on. Block (not delete) her number so she can't text you.

Cricrichan Tue 13-Mar-18 13:16:58

She sounds deranged. Like she enjoys that you are attracted to her and want more but she doesn't want you.

Whatever it is, stay away from her and block her.

Camopp Tue 13-Mar-18 13:18:55

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply and yes paragraphs would have been much better!

I would describe this persona as emotionally immature and damn right rude! I got played. I guess the getting back in touch threw me off. Once should not doubt themselves if they know who they are.

Thanks All smile

MrsMozart Tue 13-Mar-18 13:20:33

Block her number.

Either she knows what she's doing, in which case she's a needy arse; or she doesn't, in which case she's not someone who's right for you.

SomeKnobend Tue 13-Mar-18 13:27:04

Stop wasting your time and your headspace. This is never going anywhere.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 13-Mar-18 13:34:56

It's impossible to remain friends if you have romantic feelings for her. I wouldn't advise starting up this friendship again.

All I can think is that she's very young. It sounds as though she wanted you to fall in love with her although she didn't feel the same? Like some sort of weird ego boost with no consideration for you.

Life's too short to be drawn into silly games. You deserve better smile

yetmorecrap Tue 13-Mar-18 14:08:16

A total drama llama, who gets off on the fact she is toying with you, my 19 year old son has a few female friends like this

Granville72 Tue 13-Mar-18 14:23:39

Good lord could you imaging what being in a relationship with her would be like? A total head f* that is what.

Steer well clear, block and delete her details. She is nothing but a game player, and it's not a very nice game she is playing.

Camopp Tue 13-Mar-18 14:51:10

Yep totally agree. I can't believe I wasted that much time and headspace!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 13-Mar-18 14:51:29

Or imagine if you meet someone and she's on the scene being all clingy, wanting to hold hands (as friends) and asking if you love her in the middle of a tennis match? confused

Camopp Tue 13-Mar-18 14:54:26

Thank you all for the words of advice. You really do make a difference to someone when you read and put your thoughts on here. My head is clear now and last night I sent a very strong and stern message advising her that she should look deep inside herself and be honest on how she behaves. Lets hope she does because Karma will always get you in the end!

ScreamingLevitation Tue 13-Mar-18 14:58:41

I don't believe in karma, but she sounds like a knob. Don't send her any more messages (she loves the drama), just block.

somuchsnow Tue 13-Mar-18 14:59:44

Just wow. I feel exhausted just reading your story. She sounds either super immature or unhinged. Run a mile she is dragging you into a super confusing space where you are not realising that your interactions together are really not normal. Why doesn't she do phone calls why only texts? Bit suspicious. She is one to avoid forever.

springydaff Tue 13-Mar-18 15:00:02

That's her told then.

What did "You've probably similar to this.." mean? Did you miss out a word?

Camopp Tue 13-Mar-18 15:10:22

You know when something is so wrong yet you do not act upon and go against your instinct, that is what I did. Probably comes from not having dated much over the last few years otherwise I'd have told her to do one straight away!

Yes I meant to write something all the lines that you get these store of stories all the time but I could do we some perspective to help clear my mind. I saw so many topics and threads, I was like does anyone even look at half of these and they do, they really do. Very community spirit like and I love it!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 13-Mar-18 15:11:46

I sent her a stern message advising her to look deep inside herself

Sorry but grin You sound a very kind honest soul but some people are just shallow I'm afraid!

Emma198 Tue 13-Mar-18 15:18:49

She doesn't want to be with you but wants you hanging on a string for an ego boost when she wants one. Don't give her any more of your time.

FrabjousDay Tue 13-Mar-18 15:18:56

You sound like a really nice person. Well done for your sensitive approach to this girl.
I do hope that you can move on and find someone who is less complicated (and dare I say it, manipulative).
I'm sure that you will find a lovely person eventually who appreciates you.

In the meantime, you're welcome to stick around on MN for some informative threads and downright silliness.

Jellyheadbang Tue 13-Mar-18 15:44:00

What was your stern message?

Camopp Tue 13-Mar-18 16:03:48

I've deleted the message but it went along the lines that its crappy behavior to disappear on someone after 6 months without at least the courtesy of saying you dont want to do this anymore. I believe its called Ghosting, I had to google it as I'd never heard of it!! It's a pretty hurtful thing to do and I'm not sure how someone in there own mind can justify and think its okay. Very cowardly behavior. Look inside yourself and be honest with yourself about your behaviour and who it affects others. Grow the hell up!!!!

It was either the above or a load of expletive messages! hahah. The thing that I took away from all this was feeling very assured that I now know exactly what is acceptable and what isn't. Don't settle for anything less that what you think you deserves (unless your delusional!) You'd think its common sense but its amazing how quickly your head space can be distorted by the other person.

PaperRockMissile Tue 13-Mar-18 19:01:08

Gosh! I really feel for you - you sound lovely and decent.

I'm afraid you have just taken a shine to a woman who is either highly manipulative or so emotionally under developed that her fear of a relationshop is paralysing. My money is on the first one.

She doesn't want to be with you but likes the ego boost of knowing you are there.

There are literally 100s of threads in this section posted by women writing similar stories (men acting into the woman, disappearing, coming back, hinting there is a future and disappearing again). It's not very common to read it the other way round.

I think you need to totally cut her out of your life as you've given it a shot on her terms and it really hasn't worked.

all the best to you - you deserve someone who wants to actually be with you.

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