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Should the mother pay 50/50 towards bills when on maternity leave?

(136 Posts)
Rachelone Mon 12-Mar-18 06:59:23

Hello,
I have discussed this with my partner and he would like me to continue to contribute half towards the mortgage and bills while on maternity leave. To do so I will need to use a redundancy pay out that I was given during the first stages of pregnancy. He earns a very high wage.

Flightbite Fri 10-Aug-18 08:54:39

@InionEile that's genius!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Fri 10-Aug-18 07:10:26

My money with H has always been shared so there is no 50:50 split. Very mean of your partner to insist on this

user1499173618 Fri 10-Aug-18 06:44:05

So he expects you, the mother, to take the full hit for having your joint baby?!

Meau Fri 10-Aug-18 06:36:04

Thank you. I have just started a new one.

Cawfee Fri 10-Aug-18 04:14:30

This is an old thread Meau. Start up a new one and you might get more response

Birdinthetree Thu 09-Aug-18 23:54:35

Maybe he is just hard of thinking but I'd seriously consider leaving him if he doesn't buck up his ideas - are you supposed to bear all the childcare costs

Meau Thu 09-Aug-18 22:12:39

I moved into my partner’s house the month before I had our son. My partner pays the mortgage and bills, whilst I do all chores/cooking/shopping for the house and everything for our son. I have offered on numerous occasions to pay half of bills and he doesn’t want me to. However, he frequently reminds me that this is his house and I’m lucky to not have bills to pay. In the past, he has laughed at how little I had saved or how little I earn. I know I have been fortunate to not pay bills but I spend a lot of time and money on the house and shopping. I go back to work in sept after a year off, so I’ve been on maternity pay. I’ve also worked evenings from home since the beginning of June. Now, he has transferred all money I had saved from the joint account back to me, and we are going to have a formal arrangement of what we each pay for bills (minus mortgage), things for our son and food shopping.
I’d really like your opinions on this, please.🤷🏼‍♀️

InionEile Wed 14-Mar-18 23:24:05

Add up whatever your 50% of the six months(?) maternity leave costs would be and then tell him that that is the fee for nine months' rent on your uterus. Bill him with interest.

HTH.

Viviennemary Wed 14-Mar-18 23:22:52

What a waste of time having a child with somebody like this. It's totally pointless. IMHO.

windchimesabotage Wed 14-Mar-18 23:20:16

No not in your case! I would be highly dubious about a man who earnt far more than me yet expected me to contribute equally whilst I was on reduced pay due to maternity leave. It would not bode well for how supportive he was going to turn out to be in the long run. As a team you may need one or the other to step up sometimes in a way that is not exactly equal but is fair. You are carrying his child, taking that risk on your own body for both of you. If he is earning far more than you he ought to be at the very least contributing slightly more when you are unable to work due to having his child.

Maybe he would understand if someone mentioned to him that if you left him youd probably stand to get more financial support forced out of him. Also if he had to pay someone other than you to care for the baby he would be paying more than hes actually contributing for you now. That isnt right is it? That you suffer financially because you love and are in a relationship with him. He shouldnt be skanking you to make a profit which is essentially what he is doing by not covering the shortfall from your maternity pay.

Aldilogue Wed 14-Mar-18 23:13:46

OP. just so know, your post was just on a morning talk show in Australia!! They showed your post and the panel discussed it.

4sidekicksplus1 Tue 13-Mar-18 15:06:30

Everything goes into one account, bills are paid from that account and we both spend freely from that account. I can't imagine trying to split things "50/50" atbanytime, let alone while I was pregnant or on Mat leave!

Fireandflames666 Tue 13-Mar-18 12:51:06

I still did hmm

meme70 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:40:29

I agree but as I explained he is paying all the house build costs and putting the house 50/50 so I feel I can’t do much atm as I’ve £50k in the house as I paid 60% of the land
Otherwise I think we’d split along time ago

Thankyou

user1471506568 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:37:27

Oh meme, I apologise if I came across a bit harsh. Of course, you are right that I do not live your life and things are always more complex than someone on a forum saying LTB, but that doesn't mean you can't change your situation at all.

I think part of the issue may be that because he knows that you aren't well and have limited options money wise, he knows that you are more likely to put up with his bad behaviour so is less likely to listen to you. As the old adage goes though, actions do speak louder than words so yes I would just stop doing all those things you list. He is relying on you at the moment to be a nice person and to pick up the slack just because you can but that has to stop as you are effectively removing any incentive he has to change. If I had a live in maid that did all the housework and childcare AND contributed half of all the financial costs then I would be reluctant to change the situation too.

meme70 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:29:38

Sorry iPhone messes up

I paid £50,000 for the land he paid £30,000
He’s paying £150,000 build costs
The house will be 50/50 each so I can cut him some slack atm but he knows that will change when the house is built

meme70 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:28:02

Att

He is saving all his money to pay £150,000 for our house to be built
I paid £50,000 and him £30,000 fornthebkand hea paying £150,000 build coats but the house is 50/50 each
If it doesn’t change after the house is built he knows I will not put up with it anymore and I won’t buy as all my savings are in that land I can’t afford to walk away and the builds started so the money is stuck in that.

He’s aware he’s lazy and I’ve told him it won’t happen when the house is done or we split the house sale

He does need to sort his parenting skilla out = 0 A’s that’s not me who’s going to be hated by my child when she grow up it’s doen to him to parent her and care for her no one can force that all I do is take care of her as that’s why I do with my own children

user1471506568 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:28:01

And Norma, this is not about independence at all. It is impossible to create a child independently and assume most people have children with the premise that both parents will be involved in the raising of said child. Part of raising a child is financially providing for it including funding a period of maternity leave. This leave is not just in the mother's interest to help her recover from pregnancy and birth but also in the baby's to help with bonding, potentially breastfeeding etc. Why should this be funded solely by the mother with no contribution by the father?

I think prekids the concept of financial independence is clear cut and easy to understand but once kids arrive it all gets very complicated indeed. How do you factor in the impact of the mother having time off work on maternity leave on her career over her lifetime (opportunity cost), what happens if childcare is unevenly split and this has a negative impact on earnings. If you're not careful in a bid to stay independent you can effectively absorb far more than half of the real cost of having the baby.

meme70 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:22:27

I have a health problem and atm I can’t affirs to live alone
It’s simple unless you live someone else’s life you can’t relaye to

I’ve tried to tell him but how can I not cook for him and his child when I’m
Cooking for my own children ?
How can I do my children’s and my washing and not theirs ?
If I don’t do the housework shopping diy decorating who will ?

If life was that simple forums like this wouldn’t be full of people needing support or advice off strangers would they ?

Life for some of us is rubbish but atm I can’t gey a job I’ve looked my self employment wages are too low to run a house and I’ve alrwasy had relationship splits and I have a lot mkney ties up in building a house with him which I can’t get back

user1471506568 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:09:06

meme - your posts are so sad. You are basically allowing your partner to walk all over you and massively take the piss. Why do you allow this madness? I would be having a very serious chat with him pronto about how this level of inequality cannot continue and if he can't or won't change I would be getting rid asap.

OrangeHorse Tue 13-Mar-18 11:06:34

I wouldn't have a baby with someone who wasn't willing to share finances. Our wages go together and then are shared equally, regardless of who earns more or less.

NanFlanders Tue 13-Mar-18 11:03:31

I don't think he is being at all fair. My dh earns a bit more than I do. We earned the same before children, and I work slightly less than full-time (35 hours) so take on a little more of the childcare. We therefore thought it should be fair that we both had the same disposable income left after paying the bills (including food bills, Christmas and birthday presents, and anything the kids need), so he therefore contributes a bit more, so we are both left with the same after bills are paid. We're a family/partnership, not flatmates.

Buglife Tue 13-Mar-18 11:01:15

And wait until you go back to work, I bet this man will have you paying for the nursery fees out of your wages, not his. And then you will probably still be expected pay for bills etc and therefore have zero cash for yourself.

Buglife Tue 13-Mar-18 10:59:34

Any loss of earnings due to maternity leave should be shared between partners. Because you are both having a child, it’s not just you having a child. If your physical cashflow goes down then so does his. Why should you scrape by and lose all your savings so he gets to keep all his disposable income? Is he also asking you to pay for baby expenses like clothes etc? Men who keep themselves flush while the mothers of their children scrimp for a year are dicks. You are a family and while you have to be off for your own recovery and to care for your JOINT baby he has to step up and support you all.

applesandpears56 Tue 13-Mar-18 10:53:22

Major alarm bells too

I just can’t understand why people don’t have family money when they’ve got children. How much time must be spent totting up money and bills and arguing over who pays for the nappies this week. Your team - pool your resources

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