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Should the mother pay 50/50 towards bills when on maternity leave?

(136 Posts)
Rachelone Mon 12-Mar-18 06:59:23

Hello,
I have discussed this with my partner and he would like me to continue to contribute half towards the mortgage and bills while on maternity leave. To do so I will need to use a redundancy pay out that I was given during the first stages of pregnancy. He earns a very high wage.

ew1990 Mon 12-Mar-18 22:46:52

I'm on maternity leave and now the only contributing I do is get the shopping in and buy DD's milk, nappies etc but to be fair that's out of child benefit, DP earns double me though when I'm earning a proper wage not smp so I've never paid 50/50 we just do it so we are both left with a reasonable amount of money

QuarterMileAtATime Mon 12-Mar-18 22:54:35

Major alarm bells: he does not value the contribution you will be making by raising your (both yours and his) baby.
Your loss of income is a family loss - not your loss alone. This should be made clear to him now.

concernedreader2018 Tue 13-Mar-18 07:26:48

Reading all these responses about 50/50 and proportionate contribution makes me feel horrible for all of you and the terrible relationships you must be in.

You’re all willing to share a household, share bodily fluids, but not share your cash??! Seriously.

OP, you’re complaining about your situation but perhaps you’re responsible. Did you share any of your redundancy payment with your partner? Maybe your partner is only reacting this way because you pocketed a large sum of money without putting it into joint savings, or anything else that benefited you as a family/household.

As soon as you share a roof, you should be sharing your income. It’s not about having an equal amount of spare cash to spend each month - it’s about pooling your money and talking together about the things you’d like to spend your money on, and deciding what works for your household with your upcoming expenses vs. what’s important to each of you.

G5000 Tue 13-Mar-18 08:51:37

Wow some men have it good. Get to have the baby, wife staying home doing childcare but also paying for everything herself. You don't have to up your contribution and also get to keep your savings while she depletes hers. Brilliant.

RoryAndLogan Tue 13-Mar-18 09:01:52

I wouldn't have a baby with someone I didn't have fully joint finances with.

UpSideDownBrain Tue 13-Mar-18 09:02:27

If her wants you to pay half, that's fine. He goes part time, you go part time.
If he wants to work full time while you look after the baby, he pays all bills.
He's an idiot.

CookPassBabtridge Tue 13-Mar-18 10:44:27

Yep I can't believe the amount of posts on here from people who don't have a family pot. I don't understand the dynamics of that at all. You share a life.

meme70 Tue 13-Mar-18 10:47:24

We are self employed my husband can earn 20 times easily what I do but I have to pay 50% of everything
I also do everything in the house including looking after his child 3 days a week
I mean everything
Washing cooking cleaning
DIY decorating bill paying Gardening

I’ve tried to put my foot down but nothing changes

meme70 Tue 13-Mar-18 10:48:59

Lmao you aren’t serious Rory
So you have children and lose your job
So you have children and get less hours

You can’t live life like I’d only have a child with an equal earning airtner life’s not that simple

Rach000 Tue 13-Mar-18 10:50:39

I agree so strange to not share money. There is more to life than money. Life is short. You need to enjoy life and your children together.
What if you won or came into a fair amount of money. Would that just be yours? It wouldn't be used to pay off the mortgage or have some really nice holidays etc as a family so you all benefit?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 13-Mar-18 10:51:23

meme

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why are you and he still together at all? He has made himself a cushy nest at your overall expense. He does not want to share and he has exploited you. If putting your foot down does not work (and it does not if he is at heart abusive) then I would consider divorcing him.

applesandpears56 Tue 13-Mar-18 10:53:22

Major alarm bells too

I just can’t understand why people don’t have family money when they’ve got children. How much time must be spent totting up money and bills and arguing over who pays for the nappies this week. Your team - pool your resources

Buglife Tue 13-Mar-18 10:59:34

Any loss of earnings due to maternity leave should be shared between partners. Because you are both having a child, it’s not just you having a child. If your physical cashflow goes down then so does his. Why should you scrape by and lose all your savings so he gets to keep all his disposable income? Is he also asking you to pay for baby expenses like clothes etc? Men who keep themselves flush while the mothers of their children scrimp for a year are dicks. You are a family and while you have to be off for your own recovery and to care for your JOINT baby he has to step up and support you all.

Buglife Tue 13-Mar-18 11:01:15

And wait until you go back to work, I bet this man will have you paying for the nursery fees out of your wages, not his. And then you will probably still be expected pay for bills etc and therefore have zero cash for yourself.

NanFlanders Tue 13-Mar-18 11:03:31

I don't think he is being at all fair. My dh earns a bit more than I do. We earned the same before children, and I work slightly less than full-time (35 hours) so take on a little more of the childcare. We therefore thought it should be fair that we both had the same disposable income left after paying the bills (including food bills, Christmas and birthday presents, and anything the kids need), so he therefore contributes a bit more, so we are both left with the same after bills are paid. We're a family/partnership, not flatmates.

OrangeHorse Tue 13-Mar-18 11:06:34

I wouldn't have a baby with someone who wasn't willing to share finances. Our wages go together and then are shared equally, regardless of who earns more or less.

user1471506568 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:09:06

meme - your posts are so sad. You are basically allowing your partner to walk all over you and massively take the piss. Why do you allow this madness? I would be having a very serious chat with him pronto about how this level of inequality cannot continue and if he can't or won't change I would be getting rid asap.

meme70 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:22:27

I have a health problem and atm I can’t affirs to live alone
It’s simple unless you live someone else’s life you can’t relaye to

I’ve tried to tell him but how can I not cook for him and his child when I’m
Cooking for my own children ?
How can I do my children’s and my washing and not theirs ?
If I don’t do the housework shopping diy decorating who will ?

If life was that simple forums like this wouldn’t be full of people needing support or advice off strangers would they ?

Life for some of us is rubbish but atm I can’t gey a job I’ve looked my self employment wages are too low to run a house and I’ve alrwasy had relationship splits and I have a lot mkney ties up in building a house with him which I can’t get back

user1471506568 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:28:01

And Norma, this is not about independence at all. It is impossible to create a child independently and assume most people have children with the premise that both parents will be involved in the raising of said child. Part of raising a child is financially providing for it including funding a period of maternity leave. This leave is not just in the mother's interest to help her recover from pregnancy and birth but also in the baby's to help with bonding, potentially breastfeeding etc. Why should this be funded solely by the mother with no contribution by the father?

I think prekids the concept of financial independence is clear cut and easy to understand but once kids arrive it all gets very complicated indeed. How do you factor in the impact of the mother having time off work on maternity leave on her career over her lifetime (opportunity cost), what happens if childcare is unevenly split and this has a negative impact on earnings. If you're not careful in a bid to stay independent you can effectively absorb far more than half of the real cost of having the baby.

meme70 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:28:02

Att

He is saving all his money to pay £150,000 for our house to be built
I paid £50,000 and him £30,000 fornthebkand hea paying £150,000 build coats but the house is 50/50 each
If it doesn’t change after the house is built he knows I will not put up with it anymore and I won’t buy as all my savings are in that land I can’t afford to walk away and the builds started so the money is stuck in that.

He’s aware he’s lazy and I’ve told him it won’t happen when the house is done or we split the house sale

He does need to sort his parenting skilla out = 0 A’s that’s not me who’s going to be hated by my child when she grow up it’s doen to him to parent her and care for her no one can force that all I do is take care of her as that’s why I do with my own children

meme70 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:29:38

Sorry iPhone messes up

I paid £50,000 for the land he paid £30,000
He’s paying £150,000 build costs
The house will be 50/50 each so I can cut him some slack atm but he knows that will change when the house is built

user1471506568 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:37:27

Oh meme, I apologise if I came across a bit harsh. Of course, you are right that I do not live your life and things are always more complex than someone on a forum saying LTB, but that doesn't mean you can't change your situation at all.

I think part of the issue may be that because he knows that you aren't well and have limited options money wise, he knows that you are more likely to put up with his bad behaviour so is less likely to listen to you. As the old adage goes though, actions do speak louder than words so yes I would just stop doing all those things you list. He is relying on you at the moment to be a nice person and to pick up the slack just because you can but that has to stop as you are effectively removing any incentive he has to change. If I had a live in maid that did all the housework and childcare AND contributed half of all the financial costs then I would be reluctant to change the situation too.

meme70 Tue 13-Mar-18 11:40:29

I agree but as I explained he is paying all the house build costs and putting the house 50/50 so I feel I can’t do much atm as I’ve £50k in the house as I paid 60% of the land
Otherwise I think we’d split along time ago

Thankyou

Fireandflames666 Tue 13-Mar-18 12:51:06

I still did hmm

4sidekicksplus1 Tue 13-Mar-18 15:06:30

Everything goes into one account, bills are paid from that account and we both spend freely from that account. I can't imagine trying to split things "50/50" atbanytime, let alone while I was pregnant or on Mat leave!

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