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Should the mother pay 50/50 towards bills when on maternity leave?

(136 Posts)
Rachelone Mon 12-Mar-18 06:59:23

I have discussed this with my partner and he would like me to continue to contribute half towards the mortgage and bills while on maternity leave. To do so I will need to use a redundancy pay out that I was given during the first stages of pregnancy. He earns a very high wage.

DixieFlatline Mon 12-Mar-18 07:05:30

Absolutely not, except in those rare cases where 50:50 would mean both ending up with equal money for themselves.

squadronleader87 Mon 12-Mar-18 07:07:48

I’m still paying 50/50 but that is my choice. I’m the higher earner anyway so I saved pre-pregnancy to help cover what I need. If I can’t manage though, my DH will pick up the rest.

Adviceplease360 Mon 12-Mar-18 07:10:13

No, you should both have the same amount remaining after bills etc.
Is he surprised he needs to provide for his family?

Jobjobjob Mon 12-Mar-18 07:10:19

Is the baby not his then? This makes no sense whatsoever to me. You're on maternity leave because your having his child and he wants you to continue to pay half the bills.

Whose going to pay for childcare when you return to work?

Quartz2208 Mon 12-Mar-18 07:10:41

Not if it’s a partnership no you are a family not flat mates

And how will a return to work work with childcare payments and drops off

Thelampshadelady Mon 12-Mar-18 07:10:46

I think it depends. Good maternity package/low earning partner then yes.
Smp/high earning partner then no.
In your case I would probably say you shouldn’t be contributing but I think it depends on different factors.

Brokenbiscuit Mon 12-Mar-18 07:10:50

Hmm. Will you be invoicing him for his share of the childcare?

Happygolucky009 Mon 12-Mar-18 07:11:20

Does he plan to pay you for childcare ? Obviously this is a consideration !!!

Elpheba Mon 12-Mar-18 07:12:06

As DixieFlatline suggests I think 50/50 in any relationship is only fair if it leaves both partners with equal spending money afterwards. Whether on maternity leave or not, if you're in a committed and long term relationship I don't see how it can ever be fair if one partner has lots and lots of spare income to play with and the other is struggling to make ends meet.
Particularly given you're off work to care for their child, you shouldn't then be penny pinching or stressing to pay the bills if they have the surplus to cover it. But I would expect to have these discussions before having a baby together.

tribpot Mon 12-Mar-18 07:12:23

Does he appreciate those bills are going to go up after the baby's born? Babies need stuff. Or is he expecting the entire business to be cost neutral to him? And if so, why did he want to have children?

stolemyusername Mon 12-Mar-18 07:14:09

I'd be charging him for carrying his baby TBH!

C0untDucku1a Mon 12-Mar-18 07:15:51

He would LIKE you to.

Just tell him thats not possible as it would take all your savings. Are the bills covered easily by his wage? If so, and given that 50/50 would wipe you out of savings, could this be about control?

Have you discussed what happens financially after? Are you going back to work full time?

SD1978 Mon 12-Mar-18 07:16:43

I agree with Brokenbiscuit. Since you will still be employed, but in the home instead of the workplace, will you start charging him for half the childcare you are providing? Along with any other services that you provide whilst being home with your child, that repviously would have been more fairly split? He's being an arse. I'm assuming he expects that you can pay for nappies, etc out of the child benefit as well, and he won't need to contribute? Im assuming you obviously don't have joint finances, since the redundancy money, even though you got it whilst you were a couple, is 'your' money according to your post. I'd say he needs to reevaluate what is a 'fair' split, although I never did understand the seperate finances thing.

FusionChefGeoff Mon 12-Mar-18 07:17:32


Alabama3 Mon 12-Mar-18 07:19:05

only if you invoice him for all the baby bills and child care
how much is a nanny these days? 24hrs a day? so that's what 3 nannies? if the all do 8 hours a day with no days off, so maybe 4 nannies

A full time Live out Nanny outside London costs an average of £250 per week plus Tax and NI. This salary may go up to £550 net per week.A full time Live in Nanny in London earns an average of £314 net per week. This may go up to £600 net per week dependant on hours, number and age of children, experience and qualifications.Full time, Live in Nanny salaries outside London cost on average £250 per week but can go up to £600 per week.

Timtims Mon 12-Mar-18 07:20:18

Regardless of maternity pay or not, imo FAMILY money should be managed either:
1. In a joint acciunt with equal access.
2. Via two personal accounts paying into a joint a/c, whereby both personal accounts are left with the same personal/spending money (so one salary of £1k, another of £2k - first person pays in £500, the other pays in £1500).

MauriceTheSpaceCowboy Mon 12-Mar-18 07:20:29

Only if he pays you half the cost of you providing childcare. 24 hours a day.

SciFiG33k Mon 12-Mar-18 07:20:46

Maybe you could suggest he takes parternaty leave and looks after baby full time and pays 50% of everything while you return to work and your full income.

meditrina Mon 12-Mar-18 07:22:28

I note you said partner, not husband.

I think you need to have a far-reaching review of finances now, so if you are not happy with the arrangements, you can start to arrange an early return to work/jobhunting. Because he is treating you as a self-supporting flatmate, so you need to ensure you continue to be self-supporting.

lifechangesforever Mon 12-Mar-18 07:24:20

Umm absolutely not.
I'm lucky to be getting a good maternity pay (NHS) but as my money decreases, so will the percentage I put towards bills and his will increase.

When I'm down to £550 SMP it would be physically impossible to contribute half towards our monthly bills.

BigGreenOlives Mon 12-Mar-18 07:25:48

Charge him for childcare, don’t forget NI & pension contributions & holiday pay when calculating the daily rate.

Munchyseeds Mon 12-Mar-18 07:33:16

I assume you are in a relationship with this man??
What does he want to happen re finances after the baby is born??

AtSea1979 Mon 12-Mar-18 07:33:16

I’m wondering whether you received a big redundancy pay out and have kept it for yourself and that’s what’s triggered him to say something like this.

timeisnotaline Mon 12-Mar-18 07:36:56

If a man isn’t willing to support his partner while she has their baby then I regard his as a lost cause. Why have a baby in a relationship if you are still expected to go it on your own? As part of your discussion , make it clear that expecting you to continue paying half would mean your sole job is taking care of the baby and you shouldn’t do anything else in working hours in case he expects to suddenly have an unpaid housekeeper as well as an unsupported new mother at home.

Grobagsforever Mon 12-Mar-18 07:39:43

Oh god. This is why I need to take a break from MN, before I believe every man in the world is a selfish, financially abusive wanker.

Tell him to sod off OP. And make sure you return to work full time so you never become financially dependent on this person.

Callamia Mon 12-Mar-18 07:42:14

You do whatever is necessary to pay the bills. My husband is taking shared leave right now (the statutory portion), and he’s not paying anything towards our rent, although I think he’s still paying DDs for a couple of things he’s always paid from his account. I fully expect to transfer some money to him to cover living expenses at some point - there’s no point him being skint if he doesn’t have to be.

SVRT19674 Mon 12-Mar-18 07:49:09

Are you flatmates or a family? I'm pregnant now and got incensed on your behalf as I read. Selfish penny pinching bastard, my husbands words as I told him about it. Charge him by the hour for carrying His baby. angry

mindutopia Mon 12-Mar-18 07:51:16

Not unless you need to to keep yourselves a float. I’m on mat leave. I’m only on maternity allowance as I didn’t technically qualify for SMP through my last job, so it’s not much. I personally do pay for pretty much what I always did, but it’s because I can without much difficulty (we intentionally keep our expenses quite low, though we earn about 75K combined). But I wouldn’t be ‘expected’ to contribute 50/50, particularly as I’m the one saving us on childcare costs and also allowing my dh to work longer days (when we’re both working, we share the school run, meaning he has to leave work early 2-3 days a week). I pay what I always have now because I can, but when my mat pay and savings I’ve put aside for this runs out later in the year, my dh will pay for everything. Also if I had a tight month now (for instance, just spent £800 on car repairs!) he would pick up whatever needs to be covered this month. So on average, I pay in proportionate to my income, even if some months that works out to be 50/50. You are providing childcare that would cost a lot more than your dh’s extra contribution to household expenses if you weren’t at home.

FissionChips Mon 12-Mar-18 07:53:12

Why on earth would you have a baby with such an idiot?

DelphiniumBlue Mon 12-Mar-18 07:53:50

Yes, if he goes halves on your lost income whilst gestating his baby.

Ickyockycocky Mon 12-Mar-18 07:54:53

No I don’t think you should. We have different incomes so DH pays more towards the bills as he is the higher earner. I see that as being the only fair way to manage things. If you don’t do this or something similar, when you share a life, resentment will grow and grow.

StickingWithIt Mon 12-Mar-18 07:55:19

Don't do this. I was given no alternative, despite only being on SMP and him having a good wage. I bought everything for our DC. I was living off savings. Once I had zero income when SMP stopped he wanted me to continue with this solely from my small pot of savings. Needless to say I didn't hang round for much longer. It is financial abuse and not a partnership.

43percentburnt Mon 12-Mar-18 07:57:58

Wait until you return to work and end up paying all the childcare and variable expenditure and top up shopping, leaving you with very little. Whilst he pays into his pension and savings.

I'd have a proper chat now. His answers may mean you want to return full time quickly to minimise impact on your earning potential.

GreenMeerkat Mon 12-Mar-18 07:58:24

He is being very unreasonable suggesting you continue 50/50. You have to make allowances and work together as a family, after all, that is what you are now!

Somerville Mon 12-Mar-18 08:02:47

Well, some families are broke and need every penny of the mat pay (as well as partners salary) to help cover bills. But aside from that - no. You're having a massive drop in income for the period that you physically cannot work as due to give birth/ recovering from birth/caring for baby until old enough for childcare (hardly any affordable options before 6 months). Therefore he, who doesn't have that hit to his earnings, should be paying much more.

Keep your savings, you might need something to fall back on.

MaverickSnoopy Mon 12-Mar-18 08:04:12

We did 50/50 up until we had children. Once we had children all income gets pooled into joint account. Bills come out and money is set aside for future expenses (Christmas, clothes, car costs, hair cuts etc) and then any remaining is split. I can only see this as the fair way of doing things at all (although some don't) especially on maternity leave. How are you a family unit if one of you is having to dip into their savings to cover bills, while the other is living it up. He is showing you that this is who he is and how little regard he has for you.

Believeitornot Mon 12-Mar-18 08:05:00

If you are flatmates then yes.

As you’re a family unit and you are carrying a child which is also his, then no.

Otherwise the logical consequence if you can’t pay is to be evicted hmm

MagicFajita Mon 12-Mar-18 08:06:31

I'm on mat leave and my dh and I currently combine our earnings , pay bills and put money away for shopping etc , what's left is divided equally between us. We're a family and both work hard!

Doing 50/50 while on maternity leave will be tricky as mat pay can be too inconsistent. It's also ridiculously unfair on you.

JassyRadlett Mon 12-Mar-18 08:09:06

Christ it’s so depressing how many men are such totally selfish Neanderthal fuckers when it comes to money.

Even before the baby you ideally should have been contributing proportionally to living costs, if the relationship is about fairness.

After? He should be bloody paying all the bills and splitting the spending money with you if needed to top up SMP to what he has left over.

I couldn’t be with someone who treated me like this.

How does he think childcare should be paid for when you return to work?

Spudlet Mon 12-Mar-18 08:12:54

No, absolutely not. The ONLY circumstances under which I could see this being ok would be if the woman had a maternity package that paid her the same as she normally earned - and do they even exist?!

Keep hold of your savings op. You may find you need them.

LilacClouds Mon 12-Mar-18 08:18:54

No, that’s wrong. You aren’t earning your normal pay because you have had a baby for both of you.

Tell him to take paternity and still pay half the bills and mortgage. See how he likes that.

BrownTurkey Mon 12-Mar-18 08:19:35

No. This is a different phase and you need to work together. I guess how you arrange it is up to you (he could share the parental leave and do half himself for instance). But your work prospects, pension contributions, equality in the workplace and future earning potential could all be impacted. I would insist on a sit down and discuss future finances, and fact find from here and other people how others sort things out. I suggest you both contribute a set percentage of earnings to a joint pot, and percentage goes up if there is not enough to cover household costs. Most people don’t keep much for their own use, because they are not selfish (and I often pay stuff out of my own account if the joint is empty - its just what you do.)

LadyLoveYourWhat Mon 12-Mar-18 08:37:39

If you have just got a redundancy payment, does that mean that you don't have a job to go back to? I think you are in a bit of a precarious position. How does he see the family finances being set up in the long run? It doesn't sound like you are "in it together" with your partner.

I got full pay for my first 6 months of maternity leave and then nothing for the second six months, so we dropped down to me paying a third of the bills and my partner paying two thirds (we earn about the same). My partner (now husband) would have been happy with us just pooling our money and sharing it, but my parents were awful with money so I'm a bit funny about it and like to be able to keep close control of what I'm spending.

peachypetite Mon 12-Mar-18 08:38:53

Don't you have a joint account where your wages get paid into? Time to start! But he sounds like a dick.

seven201 Mon 12-Mar-18 08:40:59

Fucking hell. What a selfish twat he is. thanks

Cubicfoot Mon 12-Mar-18 08:46:37

IMO the redundancy should be used to help out

HerSymphonyAndSong Mon 12-Mar-18 08:46:54

I’m with grobag. Does he think having his baby is a little hobby you’ve taken up?

squadronleader87 Mon 12-Mar-18 08:47:25

I don’t think there is a correct answer to this as it depends on what each parent earns and also the maternity package on offer. If the mother earns significantly more normally then it may not always practical for the OH to cover all/majority of bills. That’s certainly my situation.

I’m also fortunate that I have a relatively good maternity package so will won’t have that many months on SMP only.

Regardless though, it’s a conversation that needs to be had before actually having children so it’s partners are clear on expectations.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 12-Mar-18 08:57:25

In this instance the OPs partner earns a much higher wage. And generally speaking too how many women actually do earn significantly more than their spouse or partner?. The situation that OP describes could very well lead to herself being financially abused; she is certainly far more vulnerable now in a financial sense.

Does he want you to give your child his surname too?.

Are you actually named on the mortgage?.

Joysmum Mon 12-Mar-18 09:02:06

I don’t believe in 50/50 or percentages for finances.

I believe that my dh and I are equal and reject what employers value us as being s reflection of our value to each other.

So we’ve always worked on the premise of equal disposable income. When my dh was on his apprenticeship and I was earning 6 times more, I couldn’t have been happy with the situation if I had money to burn and dh had less.

I can’t understand how if you love someone and think they are your equal you’d be comfortable with them having less than you?

Changedname3456 Mon 12-Mar-18 09:10:41

So what’s happening with the redundancy money? It sounds like you’ve been made redundant whilst on (or just before) going on mat leave so were you paid extra in your redundancy to account for that or are you on SMP? Are you technically still employed until you finish maternity?

The point of a redundancy payment is that it’s supposed to allow you time to find other work by being able to pay your bills etc for a short period - it’s not “savings” unless you’re lucky enough to get a job with no gap and IMO they should be treated as if they’re family income (with the proviso that he’s giving you equal access to anything he’s managed to stash away)

C0untDucku1a Mon 12-Mar-18 11:55:27

Oh god are you not married?

Serious sit down toight.

endofthelinefinally Mon 12-Mar-18 12:01:47

Oh dear.
This isn't sounding good.
Is he going to be a supportive, fully contributing, hands on parent?
Do you have any financial security WRT to your home?
Will he be paying 50% of the cost of child care when you go back to work?
Have you really talked this through before deciding to have a child together?

Justoneme Mon 12-Mar-18 12:14:58

No no no ..... what a tight arse!

Faultymain5 Mon 12-Mar-18 12:21:28

I thought it should be ratio based. I was lucky each time I went on mat leave the company I worked at introduced enhanced mat pay.

I ended up paying the same outgoings but we shared everything. even with separate accounts.

SolemnlyFarts Mon 12-Mar-18 12:22:28

Be very careful.

If you take a loss in earnings after the baby is born and you go back to work, ie working four days a week to keep childcare costs down, the only way to protect yourself and the baby against your decreased earning capacity is by getting married. If you're unmarried, all you and the baby is entitled to is the CPS minimum.

Have a hard look at the relationship boards here, and think about what happens long term. Lots of women are shafted because they put their career on the back burner after having children, with no protection if the relationship breaks down unless they're married (and it's not stellar then either).

He sounds like a selfish bastard - make sure your child won't be poor because of it.

grasspigeons Mon 12-Mar-18 12:37:45

Oh dear - it sounds like he has no respect at all for pregnancy, birth and childcare.

Once you have a child together your finances need to work together somehow to ensure everyone is fed, housed and cared for. If someone is doing a bit more caring, it normally means someone else is doing a bit more earning. If someone has to physically make a baby - they normally get a bit of support from the other parent recognising that.
Good luck sorting it all out.

pallisers Mon 12-Mar-18 13:00:28

I have discussed this with my partner and he would like me to continue to contribute half towards the mortgage and bills while on maternity leave.

Fine. If you do that, tell him you will be charging him per hour for half of the childcare you will be doing while on maternity leave - that is every hour he goes to work or leaves the house. Then think long and hard about the kind of person you are having a baby with.

If you take a loss in earnings after the baby is born and you go back to work, ie working four days a week to keep childcare costs down, the only way to protect yourself and the baby against your decreased earning capacity is by getting married. If you're unmarried, all you and the baby is entitled to is the CPS minimum.

Have a hard look at the relationship boards here, and think about what happens long term. Lots of women are shafted because they put their career on the back burner after having children, with no protection if the relationship breaks down unless they're married (and it's not stellar then either).

He sounds like a selfish bastard - make sure your child won't be poor because of it.

I agree with every word of this.

Irishtwinmumma Mon 12-Mar-18 13:08:32

I’m on mat leave at the moment and there’s no way I would still pay 50/50 for everything. I couldn’t be with a man that won’t support us while I’m pregnant/taking care of our children.... especially not if he’s a high erner. About the payout....maybe he feels you shouldn’t leave it all to yourself? I would use it to get all the baby stuff etc. And tell him he doesn’t have to contribute?

eloisesparkle Mon 12-Mar-18 13:33:28

The Daily Mail would love a discussion like this.

S0ph1a Mon 12-Mar-18 13:36:30

What the daily fail might think is irrelevant.

This is a very real issue that affects women and children across this country.

Lots of kids struggle financially while their father who earns good money doesn’t support them.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Mon 12-Mar-18 13:40:49

What do you want to do OP?
I don't think it's reasonable for you to pay half, assuming you're on statutory pay and you said he's a high earner.

CPtart Mon 12-Mar-18 13:53:16

No. You pay in proportionate to your incomings.
Can't quite believe he is serious. And if you're not married I'd be very worried indeed. I expect he'll just swan on with his life as normal after the birth.
Doesn't bode well.

Marmite27 Mon 12-Mar-18 13:58:12

I will continue to pay 50/50. But part of the bills to consider is the nursery fees for our toddler.

I saved to cover the bills for 20 weeks when I’m on SSP (enhanced and holiday pay mean I’ll be on full pay for 30 weeks). I was able to do this as my DH paid for the majority of treats while I was saving.

I’m happy with the set up, I suppose DH is contributing, just not directly.

As it’s a work place nursery I pay out all the fees, and then top up to 50/50 into the joint account. I have made sure that the amount covers 50% of the mortgage repayment though wink

Celebelly Mon 12-Mar-18 14:37:22

Just hand him an itemised bill for the cost of pushing a baby out through your vagina and ask him how he wants to pay.

If he's a high-earner, then he can suck it up. It would be different if things would be a struggle without the money and it was needed to survive, but if he can afford to cover the bills while you are looking after his child that you have carried for nine months and given birth to, then he should.

My OH and I have our own finances and each contribute a set amount to bills each month, but we are TTC and should we have a baby, he will be covering most of the bills while I take maternity leave from my business. There was no question from either of us about that.

Paperthin Mon 12-Mar-18 15:44:38

This is why I just don’t get 50/50 finances when pregnancy / children and childcare come into the mix. it just does not work.

Elaisa Mon 12-Mar-18 17:14:49

I just asked the same question from my DP and his answer was so much better in our native language, but I'll do my best with translating. Basically when one has (a lot of) money and therefore no problems with money, there shouldn't be no problems. And when one has nothing coming in then what contributions can we talk about.

Keep in mind that we live in a country where you have 18 months of maternity pay (full salary if you have worked the previous year and minimum wage if you haven't worked) and full time daycare when child is not younger than 18 months costs slightly less than 10% of average wage. My DP can be quite a lazy with housework (and sometimes that pisses me off) but has always been generous when it comes to money. Currently we are paying 50/50, no children, his salary is slightly bigger. Once we have children (they have to keep your job until child turns 3 but 18 months to 3 years is unpaid) and we decide to be home for longer than paid mat leave, he would have to step up with paying bills.

TonicAndTonic Mon 12-Mar-18 17:21:28

If you aren't married but own the house jointly you might want to consider keeping up your half of the mortgage payments to maintain your stake in the house, as that is your equity that you might want back someday. But sod the bills, your partner should be sorting those.

Bastardingcough Mon 12-Mar-18 17:58:31

Please come back OP and answer our questions.

AngelsSins Mon 12-Mar-18 18:25:48

I'd tell him that's fine, and you'd LIKE him to still do 50% of all housework and admin along with child care 50% of the time (including half of all night feeds).

NormaNameChange Mon 12-Mar-18 19:47:23

I did.

Every single time.

I saved, in order to ensure that I had a reasonable amount of 'income' available to me during the year I was off - once my contractual maternity payments tapered to statutory only. My independence has always been really important me tho and I accept not subscribing to the idea of family money that is so prevalent on mumsnet makes me a bit of an outlier in terms of this conversation.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Mon 12-Mar-18 19:56:12

Well that was your decision @NormaNameChange - funnily enough as soon as I found out I was pg I was lucky enough to be able to save as much of my salary as possible to tide me over and keep paying my share of the household bills after my SMP ran out. My decision, not my DH telling me to and definitely not if he earned a lot (which he didn’t as I earnt more than him). This is looking like it the OP’s partner is being cheeky to say the least expecting her to still pay 50:50 especially when he can afford it (and tbh should be paying a percentage of salaries than 50:50 if there’s a big difference) and it’s to his benefit too.

Scrumptiousbears Mon 12-Mar-18 19:58:05

I also paid my half both maternity leaves.

The minute I knew I was pregnant I saved and put aside all my personal Direct Debits and the amount I'd of paid per month for my half of the bills and mortgage. OH did foot the joint credit card which was for food, baby stuff etc. I did have to go into some other saving sometimes to fund going out during the day.

Starlight2345 Mon 12-Mar-18 20:16:41

I think his statement alone says a lot about him.

LolitaLempicka Mon 12-Mar-18 20:21:31

Yes, absolutely. Providing the working parent pays the mother for childcare. I think approximately half your partner’s salary should cover it.

Labradoodliedoodoo Mon 12-Mar-18 20:21:37

The baby is his too. Is he normally tight fisted

Cornishclio Mon 12-Mar-18 20:26:37

If you live together and have a child together then it would make sense to have joint finances then there would not be this 50/50 and would address the disparity between the incomes if one is the main earner and the other the main childcare provider. If you have a redundancy pot then it would make sense that this is part of the joint pot but if your partner is not willing to do joint finances and sees you as responsible for half the bills even while you on maternity leave having a baby who is the responsibility of both of you then no I would not use your redundancy money. I would be saying that presumably having a child is a joint decision and the consequence of having a child is the mother has to go on maternity leave to allow her to rest sufficiently before the birth and look after the baby afterwards. This means sacrificing your pay and he needs to step up and cover this. What is going to happen after your maternity leave finishes? Is he going to pay you for childcare if you do not return to work? I would be wary of giving up work if your partner is so tight he is not willing to help cover the costs of maternity leave in spite of having a high wage and presumably not needing your 50%. If money is tight this would be different and presumably you would both have talked about this before you getting pregnant.

Rach000 Mon 12-Mar-18 20:30:23

No, he can't expect you to pay the same when off looking after his child. Does he also think you will pay for nappies and baby clothes etc?
Me and DH just share all money. We have our own accounts but just transfer what is in there if needed to the joint account. Our savings are also shared. We are a family with kids so why wouldn't we share everything. We just discuss if one of us wants something expensive and see if we can afford it between us.

Squishysquirmy Mon 12-Mar-18 20:39:17

Hell no!

If he was on a low wage, and the only way to meet the bills was to dip into your savings, that would be different. In that case neither of you would have any disposable cash for fun or luxuries.
But that is not the case for you.

Its a very weird setup where one member of the family is rich and another is poor - and if you have a child and are in a live in relationship together, then you are a family.

What he is suggesting is worrying, and so it is particularly important that you really sort out how finances will work now. It is not fair for you to be impoverished by having his baby while he remains comfortable.


Squishysquirmy Mon 12-Mar-18 20:42:38

NormaNameChange depleting her savings while on maternity leave would seriously hinder her independance, not maintain it!

throwawayagain Mon 12-Mar-18 21:07:17

I did this. My husband didn't see why he should have to cover my costs.
I was on SMP. He was earning 40K plus (15 years ago).
I ended up in debt, and finally divorced the abusive arse. It is financial abuse - no further comment needed.

CookPassBabtridge Mon 12-Mar-18 21:12:17

I don't understand some of these posts. Surely in marriage/longterm relationships, all money is family money? I don't undetstand this contribution stuff... surely you're a team and should have equal money.

throwawayagain Mon 12-Mar-18 21:12:53

I also reduced my working hours to manage drop offs and collections. I was originally the higher earner, but not after we had DCs.
He refused to contribute to the children's clothes/activities etc. He hid his savings too, so the divorce was financially painful.
My children both appreciate that our divorce was beneficial. I didn't poison them either - they saw enough.
Don't be me.

pallisers Mon 12-Mar-18 21:17:01

The minute I knew I was pregnant I saved and put aside all my personal Direct Debits and the amount I'd of paid per month for my half of the bills and mortgage.

This is normal to me if your partner was doing the same. Did your partner also save during the pregnancy? When I was pregnant we both saved as much as we could because we knew our income was going to go down while I was off. Why is it only one person get to scrimp and save but both people get to have a baby?

HerSymphonyAndSong Mon 12-Mar-18 21:19:34

It’s interesting that “independence” for a woman includes the costs of the baby but it doesn’t seem to for a man

SomeKnobend Mon 12-Mar-18 21:21:38

Absolutely, as long as he pushes half the baby out of his vagina and takes 50% of the parental leave and associated pay drop. What a fucking dick. Ltb.

justanotheruser18 Mon 12-Mar-18 21:23:01

Ffs. You are having his child? What's the matter with him.

Sukisubo Mon 12-Mar-18 21:23:35


boomboom1234 Mon 12-Mar-18 21:23:59

I don't think that's fair. Both times I have been on mat leave I have contributed 25% and my husband 75% for the nine to twelve months.

justanotheruser18 Mon 12-Mar-18 21:24:52

That's such a bizarre situation.
Does he think you're going to be sitting at home on a jolly for the next 12 months? Because mothering a newborn is about as far from a holiday as it's possible to imagine.

SouthernFox Mon 12-Mar-18 21:25:48

Jesus. No. Agree with knobend. Leave.

2018Anon Mon 12-Mar-18 21:29:16

God this is the start. My ex was the same. Then he'll probably push you to go back full time and will also complain about contributing towards childcare.
Was this baby planned? I assume you didn't discuss finances beforehand?
I bet he is tight with money in general. This is not a good sign.

Sharonthecat Mon 12-Mar-18 21:31:20

We pay all of our bills proportionally to what we earn, so it's fair. When I was on maternity leave we adjusted it accordingly, so I contributed less than I normally would. When you're on maternity leave you will want some spending money so you can get out of the house and do things with your child. And it is enough of a transition that you don't want to be worried about money during your special maternity leave time .

KatharinaRosalie Mon 12-Mar-18 21:31:50

I really don't get this 'I saved so I could still pay half'. So dad does not need to save anything, does not need to change anything after the baby is born - waltzes back to work while benefitting from free childcare and half the bills paid? How is that fair?

whampiece Mon 12-Mar-18 21:32:17

I get so baffled by all the Mumsnetters who have his and her money and end up with daft arse situations like this.

DH and I put our money into an account. A standing order takes what we need into our bill and savings accounts and the rest stays in the current account for which we each have a debit card and can spend freely.

I can't imagine living with someone who insisted i put myself into a financially compromised position while I was pregnant with their child!

randomquestions Mon 12-Mar-18 21:38:35

As you have said partner and not husband, then it's not clear if you're married or not. If you are married, then you've already made that financial commitment and everything is joint anyway so I don't understand how you can be talking about your money and his money. If you're not married, it completely depends on what you've already agreed financially.

Sevendown Mon 12-Mar-18 21:44:02


AlecTrevelyan006 Mon 12-Mar-18 22:03:23

I take home 3x what my wife does. We don't have my money, or her money. It's all family money. It's never been a problem - everything is pooled together. Bills first, then food and other essentials, then stuff for kids, then general household stuff, then if there's anything left over it gets split 50/50. I don't really understand how any long-term partnership can operate with individual finances.

passmethegunandaskmeagain Mon 12-Mar-18 22:42:15

I'm with alec on this. For various reasons I've always earnt a bit more than my wife but our money is exactly that, ours. It's a partnership.

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