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Feel constantly down about how my partner speaks to me

(23 Posts)
downandout1222 Thu 08-Mar-18 19:40:24

My boyfriend talks to me like crap. At first I blamed myself, I was used to an abusive relationship and I thought my defensive tones in an argument were ok. But he ended up being quite similar and now 3 years down the line he talks to me horribly.

This is the first time it's happened where I can safely say I am at no fault. He picked me up from the train station as is normal. On the way home he was in a bad mood because of his car and then stressed he was pissed off because he had to come get me and it didn't align with him being on his way home from work. For context: he's a teacher locally and our agreement for where we decided to buy was he'd have to pick me up and take me to the station every day as I commute into the city for over an hour each way. He left school on the Bell so got home way before I could have left as I finish at 5 earliest.

He just started raising his voice and shouting at me saying "this can not continue". He's barely done it that much due to the short time we've moved and never does it Tuesdays and some days I work from home. I told him not to shout at me. Without him driving I can't get to work, there's no bus until 10am and it's an hours walk- I carry a lot of heavy bags to work.

He then started calling me a "f*cking imbecile". I told him not to name call. We were on our way to go to the supermarket so I could get myself some food and he said "no you can walk there" and changed lanes. This is important as I have no food in the house and he'd just gone to get his food (we eat v different things - health issues) and he didn't care as he could eat fine.

It's become a daily insult either to my intelligence or my personality. He regularly says he wishes he could have all of me except my brain (ie personality) because he loves how I look etc but hates how I think (I'm very strong and will always argue my side).
Telling me to leave him won't help. I need to know how to cope until I can get our house on the market. And how I can express how I feel in a way to make him listen and not just respond with everything wrong I do.

downandout1222 Thu 08-Mar-18 19:41:09

By "used to an abusive relationship" I mean that my ex was abusive.

Cambionome Thu 08-Mar-18 19:47:19

Right - this sounds awful. His behaviour is totally unacceptable.

When you talk about putting the house on the market, I really hope you mean that you are determined to end it?

whirlygirly Thu 08-Mar-18 20:53:12

Don't waste your energy trying to get him to be reasonable. Use it on working out the quickest way to get yourself out of the situation.

It will always be your fault, no matter how you respond. Run.

whirlygirly Thu 08-Mar-18 20:54:28

I bet he argued for the house you're in too. Which doesn't sound like it suits your needs at all but I bet it's near his work.

BlessYourCottonSocks Thu 08-Mar-18 21:03:35

He's horrendous. And I'm bloody glad he doesn't teach any child of mine. The use of the word 'imbecile' is appalling. I know you said telling you to leave won't help - but what on earth are you staying for?

You could be stuck with this awful man for years if you are 'waiting to put the house on the market'. Please tell me you are not still sharing a bed with him? A man who subjects you to daily insults about your intelligence and personality? He only likes the way you look? You are not a blow up doll.

redexpat Thu 08-Mar-18 21:09:48

He wont listen or acknowledge your feelings so dont waste your emotional energy trying to.

Anonagain2017 Thu 08-Mar-18 21:13:06

Please stop allowing him to speak to you like this. Stand up for yourself and tell him to f*ck off. Get that house on the market and do not share a bed with him anymore.
Start recording his outbursts on your phone and play them back to him.

pallisers Thu 08-Mar-18 21:15:54

Your ex was abusive and your current boyfriend is abusive too.

His saying he wishes he could have all of you except your brain is actually horrific. he would like you to be a blow-up sex doll.

Get out. He will not change. there is literally nothing you can say that will make him see the error of his ways - nothing.

And please do the freedom programme and think long and hard before getting into another relationship.

LellyMcKelly Fri 09-Mar-18 03:20:37

Oh God, why are you with him? That’s horrible, abusive, disgusting behaviour.

BitOfFun Fri 09-Mar-18 03:23:40

It will be a tremendous weight off your shoulders to dump him and live closer to your work. You have one life: don't waste any more of it on him.

BitOfFun Fri 09-Mar-18 03:28:28

The "stop allowing him to speak to you like this" advice throws up some questions, I feel. Can you? I'm not sure. If he's capable of this and feels it's acceptable (as he obviously does), then I doubt you can change this. You certainly can't change the impulse behind it, i.e. his massive sense of entitlement. All you can do is to vote with your feet and separate.

Terfinater Fri 09-Mar-18 03:35:04

Can you stay with family or friends until the house is sorted?

ChickenMom Fri 09-Mar-18 04:55:14

Wow...he is just awful. There’s no excuse and the way he behaves is not ok. There is really no way to solve this. Somebody who can act like that isn’t going to change and there is something fundamentally wrong with him. Is there anybody you can go stay with until you can get the house sold or move out and move into rented. You can’t stay with him, it’s not right at all

HisBetterHalf Fri 09-Mar-18 05:36:17

what a twat- get rid

Shoxfordian Fri 09-Mar-18 05:47:37

Are you going to leave him then?
Have a look for your nearest Freedom Programme to help you avoid these idiots in future

scotgal2017 Fri 09-Mar-18 12:19:13

Please don't make the same mistake I did and stay with someone as horrible as this for 20 years.......go now!!!

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 09-Mar-18 13:02:39

You can't change the way he is. He thinks he's right. Even if you tell him how awful he's being, he will counter with 'yes, but...' There will be an excuse for every single thing he says.

Come to terms with the fact that he is never going to apologise, tell you you were right and he was wrong or that he won't talk to you that way again. And then get gone.

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 09-Mar-18 13:04:46

Bloody hell, he sounds disgusting. I hope you're going to leave him. As others have said, do the Freedom Programme and move closer to your work (and further from him.) Horrible man.

TatianaLarina Fri 09-Mar-18 13:20:05

He will never listen to what you say because he doesn’t care. He has no interest in your personality, he’s said so himself. He makes himself feel good by listing your faults.

So yes he’s abusive and yes you need the Freedom Programme.

Stop trying to make it listen or understand, tell him it’s pending the house sale.

You will just have to budget for taxis for work until you can sell the house. And you must learn to drive for your own independence.

TatianaLarina Fri 09-Mar-18 13:20:50

Him not it ^^

TatianaLarina Fri 09-Mar-18 13:21:18

It’s over pending the house sale.

Scuse poor editing!

user1499333856 Fri 09-Mar-18 20:16:14

Tell him it is over because he is verbally abusive and the house is going up for sale next week. Move your stuff to the spare room and reclaim a bed for yourself. Do not become emotional or lose your cool. Just calmly go about your business.

This will have a breathtaking effect on his behaviour and attitude. And if it doesn't...YOU'RE FREE!

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