Can you quietly fall out of love after 20+years?

[takemeimalive]

No drama, no issues, financially sound but I just feel very little towards my dh. Married 20yrs - 2dc early teens. We have even given up arguing! I think I’ve changed but he is happy to plod on. We don’t laugh together, we struggle to have fun as a family and I don’t want or like him very much but I’m not sure why. Seems like death by 1000cuts at times. We are having couples counselling but I’m not sure we can recover. Am I wrong to want more? He is a good father and kind, generous man. It’s me I’ve gone off him. I have started to think I would be happier without him and that is sad for our dc. Has anyone ever recovered their marriage from such a low ?

[Ksyusha]

Not sure I can help with the answer but I totally can relate.

I left my husband last year after almost 19 years and having 3 children together. My situation is a bit different, we lived through 2 affairs (last one ended 9 years ago), I don’t think he is a good father (indifferent would be a better description) and I’m not particularly fond of him as a person, but other than that everything was exactly how you describe. No issues, no arguing, no family time, no couple time, no intimacy, no connection, I do not need and do not want him to be around. I’m inclined to think that his affairs killed my feelings long time ago and I just kept going out of commitment and responsibility.

How long do you feel like that? Maybe it’s just a period that would pass?
I think that if there are no major issues (abuse, affairs, gambling, drugs, etc) it might be possible to bring the connection back but he should know how you feel and you both should make an effort and make it your priority.

[Auntpetunia2015]

You can, I did 23 years married we just ended up like Flat mates or in reality more he was a lodger. No fun, no conversation, no interaction, always having slight digs at DS, very self involved. It took me a few years but I plucked up the courage and told him it was over he was completely shocked and oblivious,couldn’t see what was wrong. I gave him two weeks to think about what I’d said and then we talked again. He agreed he didn’t want to be there is was a struggle for him to find any common ground in the two weeks ..he did try at bit. He moved out 4 weeks later and we had the most amicable of divorces we get on better sorting stuff now than we ever did.
It turns out though , that that he wasn’t just detached from me but from the kids, they were glad he left and he hardly makes any effort to see them once a month for 2 hours if dd is lucky (she says unlucky) DS is at uni and has seen him twice since he left. But he pays his maintenance is willing to stump up when work needs doing on the house (im still in it till summer when dd is 16).

You need to think long and hard about what you want to happen check out benefits etc and get together all financial info you can, just in case he tries to play hard ball. My ex’s parents insisted I was having an affair and constantly told him to get a lawyer and fight me for every penny, he knew I wasn’t , and took no notice and we did it our way.

[Bookvan]

I'm in a similar position. 15 years together. 2dcs. There's just nothing left. We're like flatmates. He would be happy to just plod on for the next 30 years. I need some excitement and to feel desired (lack of sex has been an issue for around 10 years)

We've had 'the conversation' but currently neither of want to be the one to say enough is enough. So now we plod on with the added stress and an awful atmosphere.

So no advice op, but watching the thread with interest.

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

With my ex 20 years, married for 18yrs. No fun, excitement, nothing. Tried everything but when I stopped bothering he didn't even notice.
We split last year after I told him I had no love left for him anymore. We are mostly amicable now (although he does veer into bellend territory now and again) and he has stepped up with dc and has them 2 overnights a week. Dc are thriving socially and in school and have a very happy mum now.

Took me 2 or 3 years to admit to myself I was done, but a year after we split I do not regret it one iota.

Good luck, op. The hardest thing is actually having the conversation so before that get planning/organising to have a clear plan of the practicalities because he will probably tell you you won't be able to cope, can't afford it etc, etc. If your parents are around let them know so they can offer some practical support.
I know it's scary but deep down you know you will be fine.

[xpc316e]

takemeimalive - no, you're not wrong to want more. We pass this way just the once, and we owe it to ourselves to make our lives as joyous as possible. We are all constantly changing, and none of us is the same person as we were in the past. Sometimes couples grow together, and inevitably they sometimes grow apart; it sounds as though that has happened to you.

I am sure some people have rebuilt their marriage from the same position that you find yourself in, but it will have been very hard, and the rebuilt relationship will not be the same as they once had. For me, if the love has died, then that is the end; I don't see how I'd begin to rebuild something if I had no love for a partner. If that person no longer makes me feel wonderful when they walk through the door, then how will I start?

Please don't stay in a loveless marriage 'for the sake of the children'. The children see right through it, and they are better off with one happy parent than they are wandering around in an emotional desert with two unconnected people as their parents.

Good luck and best wishes.

[takemeimalive]

Thank you everyone, it is difficult. We are beginning to have ‘the conversations’ at the counselling. He just doesn’t seem to think it’s as bad as I do. I’m very independent and practical so I don’t think he doubts I’d be fine if we split, I’d probably worry more about his ability to cope, although I’m sure he would. I do worry about the impact on the dc but I worry about the impact we are having now, dc are very perceptive and it is pretty obvious things are not great. I will keep up with the counselling together in a bid to find the right solution for us. I just want to feel alive again soon !!

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

Well if doesn't think there is a problem there is little chance of him doing anything to improve a marriage that he is happy to plod along with. He is obviously fine knowing you are unhappy/unfulfilled.
My ex knew how practical and independant I was yet still told me I wouldn't cope. I did feel quite sorry for him as he did the wounded martyr act but he was actually on dating sites pretty damned quick! You will be amazed how quickly they look for another woman to do shit for them.

[Blobby10]

My 20 year marriage ended a couple of years ago but we had been growing slowly apart for the past 10. no affairs, just fallen out of love with each other. We made the decision to split rather than trying to salvage as neither of us really wanted to salvage the marriage.
Divorce came through a year ago and we are still friends - so yes its doable.

[DollyRose102]

@takemeimalive watching this too! Sounds like my relationship. I wrote a very similar post this weekend! Trying to work out if I am wrong for wanting more too!

[takemeimalive]

Blobby- it’s good to hear to have stayed friends.
Bookvan - just want to send you a hug, it’s tough.
I have moments of clarity when I feel I have to act to try to find a happiness for myself but then the awful waives of guilt for my dc overwhelms me. I do think I will be a better person and parent if I’m happier so long term they will benefit. Also my poor dh can’t seem to do anything right and for him there has to be a happier place it’s just I am the one that will need to make things happen - nothing new there I guess!

[RaspberryF00l]

I was there after 17 years and 3 DCs. Took me a long time to think the unthinkable. Then another two years to finally end it. My now XH thought there was nothing wrong, he'd dismissed my feelings over and over again.
I planned and researched everything before I made my move. Finances, mortgages, new better paid job etc etc
3 years on I am very happy and DCs are happy. They stay with their dad roughly half the time and he is a more involved father now.
As a (very lovely) bonus I have a new partner who is the love of my life.

[RaspberryF00l]

Yes OP, you need to make it happen for the good of everyone and you can.

[takemeimalive]

Raspberry- I’m glad it worked out for you after such a long time with your XH and that your dc are happy, and that their father is a better dad. Good outcome.
I know there will be tough times to get out the other side. My husband doesn’t dismiss my feelings he just doesn’t see it as being as bad. I think his expectations are lower and he will tolerate the unhappiness to keep us all together. He thinks it is a bad patch that will pass.

[Mix56]

I just want to feel alive again soon !!
Kind of sums it up doesn't it ?

[Bookvan]

Takemeimalive your last paragraph really summed it up for me. My dh thinks it's a phase. After 15 years we've been through bad patches and always come through it. It just feels different now. He's not done anything wrong exactly. I think we've grown apart, probably both our faults. But I can't bear to hurt the dc. But then I think staying together for them is a bad idea. I'm just going round in circles.

[takemeimalive]

Book - we to have had tough times and come through. I don’t think you can be with someone for so many years without there being difficult times. I agree that this feels different. Maybe for me, as the dc are getting older, and so am I there seems to be an different urgency about it. I am also starting to think what needs to happen before it’s ok to find happiness? I do not have the sense this will resolve itself.

Would you consider couples counselling? I was surprised my dh agreed to go but he did. A third person might help send the message home, I also hope the fact I’ve organised the session is an indication that I need things to change. I’m 44 I do not want to reach 50 wishing I had been braver. Equally I don’t want to give up IF we can save our relationship. Tough and circular as you describe.

[Bookvan]

Takeme we tried counselling but found the counseller wasn't saying anything we hadn't already said.

I know what you mean about what needs to happen before it's ok to be happy. I've been reading some other threads and several people commented that they wished their dh would have an affair so they had a good reason to leave.

I feel like I could carry on, it's not awful, he's not abusive or cheating. It's just not great either, and it's not making me happy.

[Juststopit]

Yes this is me. Yesterday in fact. I have finally ended it. It has been on the cards for years but an EA with a colleague from him has made me cut my losses. And yes I don't want to reach 50 and still be this unhappy. He in the heat of the moment claimed to not even like me! Imagine another 40 years like that. I woke up this morning feeling pretty raw but also determined to have a great life. Is it wrong that I keep imagining all the sex I might have???!!

[RaspberryF00l]

I was 47 when I realised that I didn't want to live the rest of my life the same way. 50 was approaching fast which focused my mind and I also lost two friends to cancer - life's too short.

And no, Just you're not wrong to be doing that. I thought I'd have happily gone the rest of my life without it when I was with XH. Now I'm having the best sex of my life

[takemeimalive]

Juststop- loving the positive thinking nothing wrong with that! Suddenly you have potential for anything YOU want.
Book - I’m sorry counselling didn’t add anything for you. Not sure our counsellor is bringing much change as yet but I will stick with it we are 5 sessions in. I hear what you’re saying about it’s not awful. However the question I’m asking myself is, is it right to just carry on when potentially everyone could be happier? I’m not looking for someone else to bring me happiness I’m thinking I would be happier on my own with dc and so might my dh be. Feels like we are pretending and I don’t think I want to anymore. I want to live a life and I want my dc to be happy. As someone said up thread, I think we’ve just grown apart.... This is really making things hit home. We have grown apart.

[Auntpetunia2015]

I’ll agree with the sex part. I was convinced I didn’t care wasn’t interested , me and ex probably did it twice a year and I hated it. So imagine my surprise now with my new partner when I’m having more sex a weekend than I had in 23 years married ..love it and so glad I braved the conversation.

[Juststopit]

I need to find a new partner. I can’t believe what I might have been missing all these years!!

[Auntpetunia2015]

juststopit what’s stopping you? I can’t believe my luck and everyday thank god that I was brave enough to start the conversation with my ex. It would have been so easy to just drift along. I had no idea how much happier myself and the dc would be.

[Juststopit]

I think lack of confidence. That’s what 26 years of a declining number of compliments and affection has done to me. I find it hard to believe anybody would want me. I had a go on POF yesterday. Already been ghosted lol.

[Auntpetunia2015]

Oh just that was me 23 year married 26 together..never had a single compliment nothing like that just a slow insidious drip that I wasn’t good enough didn’t look right etc. But know I get told all the time I dress well look lovely etc. As well as all the sex!! POF can be hard work just set your sights high ..you are the prize !