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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm 35 today I've realised my marriage is over

809 replies

mammymammyIRL · 27/02/2018 14:30

Dh emotionally abuses me.
He shouted at me & shoved me in front of our four year old ds for the last time on Sunday morning.
I don't want my 7 year old dd growing up seeing her parents not getting along
I don't want them to think Daddy's getting cross with Mammy is normal or ok

I can't do the rest of my life living like this.

OP posts:

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zigzagbetty · 27/02/2018 14:33

Just wanted to stop and give a big virtual hug, im sure someone with more helpful advice will be along.
Happy birthday and heres hopefully to your new life

ProseccoandPizza · 27/02/2018 14:36

Just wanted to say I’ve been lurking on a thread you’re a regular on and always thought of you as a strong and inspiring person.

I’ve been in a similar situation and it was heartbreaking but I refused to allow my DS to grow up thinking it was normal just like his biological dad did.

PrizeOik · 27/02/2018 14:42

I've been where you are, without the shoving (which sounds so awful, you poor thing). I was 32.

Get out as soon as you can. Life doesn't have to be like this.

What do you want to do next? How can we help you x

mammymammyIRL · 27/02/2018 14:58

Thanks
Prosecco that's lovely to hear, join us on that thread it's a great place
I am a strong person so can't understand why I've let it continue this long. My mother cried at way he treated me about 4 years ago, and what she saw wasn't the worst of it.

I went for domestic violence counselling before, they were encouraging me how not to rock the boat or poke the bear.
Prize I just want to hear how to move forward, how do I tell him this?
There's a possibility of him being able to move out in a couple of years, we can't afford two places. Do we live separately together?

OP posts:

mammymammyIRL · 27/02/2018 15:00

Maybe he knows
I had flu in jan only time he came back from spare room was when my mother visited so there was no spare room

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2018 15:10

mammymammy

re your comment:-
"Do we live separately together?"

No, it will never work particularly as he is abusive towards you and in turn your children who likely have seen and heard far more than you care to realise also. Why would you want to, financial reasons are not good enough reasons for this.

Who was your previous DV counselling with; they sounded awful frankly.

He moving out in a couple of years time is not an option either due to his abuses of you; he needs to go and sooner rather than later.

I would seek legal advice asap with a view to commencing divorce proceedings. You need to properly know where you stand legally rather than mere supposition as knowledge is also power.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/02/2018 15:16

Have a chat with Womens Aid
See what they can recommend you do with regards to living accommodation.
It will be torture to have to live under the same roof as him.
Please try to find another way.
I had to live with my ExH for 6 months when we split up.
And my Ex wasn't abusive.
Does he have any family or friends he could go to for the short term?

something2say · 27/02/2018 15:16

DV advice of that ilk is specific to a situation where standing up to an anise person will likely result in an assault, and it absolutely has its place in a safety plan.

In this instance, I'd say it may have to be separate living arrangements ultimately. And for now, re engage with the DV advisors as they will be able to give a lot of practical advice and signposting.

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP. Most of us have been there. Are you ready to admit defeat for real and take action whether he likes it or not? The main thing is, have a plan for escaping the house if needs be. A bag round a friend's for you and your kids, money to hand and a place to flee to no matter the time of day or night. You may think this too full on, but imagine how he would be in the morning after you've fled? It may spark him to realize it's over too and be more sensible. You may have to teach him the consequences of his behaviour by going each time he does it x

hellsbellsmelons · 27/02/2018 15:17

And ask WA about a DV counsellor.
Your last one sounds friggin' horrendous!!!
Who the fuck gives such crap advice?
'Be the good wife and it'll all be fine!'
Dear god!!!!

mammymammyIRL · 27/02/2018 15:28

Attila there's a granny flat next door it's not currently habitable but could be made that way for him.
We've an au pair for childcare, children & me need to stay in our home.
Previous domestic violence counselling was with Accord

Somethingtosay I'm ready for my marriage to be over. Over past six months I'm disinterested in what he says and don't believe what he says anymore because he exaggerates and lies to suit himself

Hellsbells I thought it was very strange

OP posts:

bigbootsj · 27/02/2018 15:33

Big hugs. I'm in a similar situation. I unfortunately don't think I'll ever be able to afford to leave unfortunately. I'm a SAHM with absolutely no money or income. I'm screwed. Thinking of you x

something2say · 27/02/2018 15:37

Hellsbells......no. When a man will hit you if you disagree with him, or stab you or punch you, it's best not to disagree with him until you can get out. This buys time and safety. And is a sign of giving up of the relationship, accepting that there's no point having it out, explaining the point, actually trying. It is a big part of safety plans, and it helps avoid risk at times. Of course when they're ready to go they're ready to go and nothing you do or say makes a difference, it not being about you of course, but compliance can be a very valid tool at times....

something2say · 27/02/2018 15:38

Mammy, well it's ok to start thinking about that plan then. How safe would you be if he were to move to the granny flat? Is he likely to accept it without giving you grief?

mammymammyIRL · 27/02/2018 15:51

Bigboots sorry to hear that, have you family you could go to?

Somethingtosay I would be safe I'm fairly confident

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bigbootsj · 27/02/2018 16:05

Mammy I have family over an hour away but no one that could put me up. I have 2 school age children so moving back to family is just not a possibility. I think I'm stuck in this forever x

mammymammyIRL · 27/02/2018 18:31

I spoke to a friend recently who said to me mammy we wish our mother left years ago and she didn't and probably never will. You've always got friends and family and don't stay if it's like this now, it's only going to get worse.
She was right. My family live 100+ miles away I've one in school and one starting school next year. There are schools everywhere. I hope to stay where we are.?

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Keepcalmanddrinkcoffee · 27/02/2018 18:50

MammymammyIRL. I have also been a long time lurker on your usual thread.
All I can say is if you can get support from family you can get a job near them, you can change schools. Once the shoving starts it will gradually escalate.
The emotional abuse will never stop it is who he is. I was a child brought up in this situation. It was horrendous. I can remember as a small child with my syblings putting a roller skate on the stairs thinking our father would fall, die, and go away.
This was so we wouldn’t have to watch him be horrible to our mum.
Don’t think our parents ever realised how we felt. Getting out debt can be got over being bankrupt is better than being in this situation.

KriticalSoul · 27/02/2018 18:56

just offering hugs. I left my EA spouse 5 months ago after 17 years together. best move I ever made.

mammymammyIRL · 27/02/2018 19:06

Keepcalm lovely to hear from another lurker do join in
I know my debt is manageable. Bankrupt isn't really a thing in Ireland that I know of anyhow.
I've got a well paying job where I am and would hope to continue with it & keep the children near both parents.
I've been a single parent for years with a husband if that makes sense so it's just a case of making it official

Kritical well done, how did it go initially?

OP posts:

Laska5772 · 27/02/2018 20:33

mammy have pmd you

flirtygirl · 27/02/2018 21:07

Hope you have a good birthday Mammy. Ive been lurking on the other thread for years and ill join soon as you have all helped me so much. I went there for tips as im moving following my marriage being over. The emotional abuse escalated to include financial and physical abuse. Im going through a divorce currently and selling the house and moving 100 miles away.

WA are great and dv counselling will help. Do it in your own time frame but do it. I feel like im starting to come out but it takes a while, google fog and emotional abuse (fear obligation guilt), theres loads of online resources.

Do the freedom programme online if you can or better in person but not sure if you have that where you are.

Mumsnet saved my life by telling me to leave when i would have stayed but you have been strong enough to make that decision for yourself. You have recognised that your person inside needs saving and you are strong enough to do it. That one of the hardest parts.

You are strong and amazing and you can do this.

mammymammyIRL · 27/02/2018 21:08

Thanks laska have read & will reply tomo, I'm wiped out from all the thinking today

OP posts:

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Laska5772 · 27/02/2018 21:12

mammy No need to reply..it was just to let you know I was thinking of you x

KriticalSoul · 28/02/2018 10:30

mammy

not great, he accused me of having an affair (because why else would I leave him ), went after several of my online friends accusing them of being my Other-Man, stalked me over social media and just generally behaved like a hateful bell-end.

It's a little better now, and we're trying to keep things amicable for the kids, but his relapses into arsehole territory are making it difficult.

He flip-flops between realising he's been a complete cock and lost the best thing that ever happened to him (his words btw) and then behaving like a Narc and making out its all my fault and i'm a selfish bitch and a bad mother and he's mr wonderful and a catch for anyone who wants him...

I mean, sure, he cooks, cleans and will do housework, but he'll also shout at you, grope you, not take no for an answer without getting nasty, threaten you, shout at you some more, call you names and constantly tell you you're in the wrong and he's right. He'll isolate you from your friends and family, bully you and generally make you feel like a worthless piece of crap... but his chef and domestic ability makes up for all that... right?

mammymammyIRL · 28/02/2018 17:11

kriticalsoul
Mine thinks because he isn't down the pub drinking and because he puts on a few washes he's brilliant!!

There's more to being a good husband

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