Should i call it a day?

[MindMess1]

So im sleeping in the sofa again tonight. My choice as i do have a bed upstairs, the problem is that is where my husband sleeps.
We have been together nearly 20 yr, have 3 wonderful children and up until 5 years ago life was pretty good. Then my husband had an accident that has left him disabled. Things have been tough since then. I was pregnant when he had the accident and had to nurse him back to health, he lost his job the following year due to illness and a yr after that i became his full time carer.
At the time of his accident we thought time would heal him as that's what the drs said but 5yrs on, hes no better at walking un aided and in a worse state due to med side effects, depression etc.
My question is, am i being completely selfish wanting to seperate? Hes changed as a person, he never leaves the house, hes lost all motovation and drive and i dont feel he even tries anymore. Iv been left to raise the kids as a single parent while looking after him and the house and i just cant anymore. I feel resentful of all the thing's the kids and i miss out on. I feel like my life is slipping past me and with each day that passes i feel like im becoming a more horrible person because of it. I resent friends and family having the life i wish i had and cant see having if i stay with my husband.
We have been together since i was 17 and i dont know anything or anyone else. Life hadnt always been great but the few yrs before his accident things had turned a corner, we were financially secure, both doing well in our careers and were having regular dates and family trips, making plans for the future. Now there is none of that, i look after the house and kids and organise life round hospital apps, while he lays in bed or on the sofa, plays video games or watches movies. I know he is in pain and his life has been turned upside down, i know he would be devastated if i broke up with him and would struggle on his own. But should i give up my hopes, dreams and life to look after a man i love just because i said "i do"
Im so torn apart about what to do for the best for everyone and thats why i have stayed this long, but now its seriously effecting my health and im like a zombie because i cant sleep at night.
What can i do?
Sorry for the rambles im just so confused

[adayatthebeach]

Wow I feel for you your still young. Do you have extended family that are interested in helping? Don’t isolate yourself. Have you though how your children would feel if you gave up on their father? Would he take care of you if the roles were reversed? It takes love to get through the rest of your life with a dependent spouse. If you don’t love him anymore then you should leave. This happens in older age a lot and people stay together.

[MindMess1]

None of my family live locally and his family are full of promises with no delivery.
I do love him but im not in love with him, hes more like a friend but a very boring one. Even when he has good days and is well he never wants to spend that time with me. I feel he just takes me for granted and that i will always be there to look after him.
A few yrs before his accident i injured my back at work and was bed bound for 3mths, he looked after me and the kids and went to work but he was no nurse maid and i always felt he did it through gritted teeth, so would he do the same for me long term? I really dont know.
My older 2 children know how unhappy i am, a teenage daughter pick up on this but our youngest is blissfully unaware as has never known his dad to be anything but housebound.

[StaplesCorner]

As aday says, this happens to a lot of older people - my friend is in a similar situation except they are in their 60s, kids gone, and her husband has now become so severely disabled that she literally could not leave him; he'd have to be put into local authority care against his will, she has power of attorney etc., its a nightmare to sort out but she hates him - he was a bastard before he became ill and now as much as he can orders her about like a servant.

I think this is a timely debate to have - is anyone obliged to stay with their partner once the relationship is over, simply because of his or her illness/disability?

Looking at our own situation OP you say you love him - if that's true then is there anything you can think of which whilst not involving a magic wand is achievable and might alleviate some of the problems? Or is it really over? If so, how would this work out practically? Would you take the kids and leave him in the house, who owns it? Would he ever agree to leave and if so, where would he go?

[adayatthebeach]

How are you doing MindMess

[Babdoc]

I'm not surprised you feel like this, if you're doing all the caring single handed, with no help from family and nothing to look forward to. You must be exhausted and utterly depressed.
Why not speak to your GP about organising some respite care, and more help at home? Also your local church or volunteer groups may be able to give you support, provide a sitter so you could get out a bit more. What about friends - are they a source of comfort and somewhere to vent your feelings?
You presumably vowed to support your husband in sickness and in health - did you mean that, or did you hope it would never be an issue? And do you still love him? Because if you do, surely you don't really want to leave him, you just want life to be more enjoyable and have some happiness.
It sounds like your poor husband is depressed too. Some antidepressant medication, and help with mobility, even if that just means getting out and about in a motorised wheelchair or adapted car, could make a big difference. How about having a discussion with him about ways to improve the situation, and trying to face this together as a couple, rather than planning to dump him and run?
Your kids can also help a lot more once they're old enough. I know things must seem desperate, but with the right support they could be transformed. Sending my prayers (and a hug) for both of you. I hope you find a happy solution.

[louisiana30]

What a horrible situation for both of you.

How was/is he with physio, does he do everything that was asked of him to try and get back on his feet?
Would he see someone to talk about his depression?
Do you feel he could do more than playing games and watching tv than he does?

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

Even when he has good days and is well he never wants to spend that time with me.

I wouldn’t leave a partner who was suffering, had problem but at least tried his best(within reason) to behave towards you as an equal or at least to show a tiny bit of gratitude for all your sacrifices.

I think you should leave, because if you stay you will continue to get more angry, more frustrated and showing more how displeased you are with your relationship, which is not a healthy environment in which to raise your children.

It goes both ways... I’m sure the children are not getting much of a father either, if he is playing video games and ignoring them all the time.