Moody DH

[Chatterbitch]

I am so sick of DH and his petty moods. It's a constant flux of being happy and fine and then getting into a petty mood over something tiny. I was just doing the washing up (his from yesterday). He then used something I'd washed up, weirdly tipped it over to check the underside and tipped hot food on himself and got in a mood because he said it was my fault the underside was sticky and that's why he had burned himself.

I can't even think of other examples at the moment but it's constant, probably four or five things a day. Another thing was he was half an hour late to meet me the other week and he said it was my fault because he didn't have an ironed shirt- we both work full time, I've told him to iron his own stuff.

He's now sulking in the next room. The strange thing is he thinks he is competely in the right. When this resolves he will think he is forgiving me.

Not sure where to go with it all from here or how to get him to snap out of this awful trait?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do you have children, if so they won't benefit from seeing their dad do this either.

Sulking is really another form of emotional abuse; he does this because he can and it works for him. This is not just a trait, its learnt behaviour which is deeply ingrained; probably one or even both his parents are the self same. He is making a deliberate choice here to do this. This is particularly important to remember if you are prone to try and ‘fix’ things in the relationship or if you feel you have done something to cause them to withdraw.

During the time your partner isn’t speaking to you carry on your life as normally as possible. Stick to your usual routines. If you have kids carry on with your usual childcare responsibilities. Keep up your usual hobbies and activities. Do not take up any extra slack created by your partner disengaging.

Your focus is on your needs, confidence and reactions. Everything else is down to them to fix. I would actually be having a chat with Womens Aid in your particular circumstances.

[TwitterQueen1]

Why did you marry him OP?!!! Sorry, but he sounds awful. Petulant, childish, horrible... Has he always been like this or is it recent? Do you have DC? I couldn't be with someone like this......

[Chatterbitch]

He's got worse since we got married just 2 years ago. I think if he's stressed about anything he takes it out on me. This morning we were supposed to be going out for a walk. After his sulk he came in to me and said "shall we go for a walk then?" I said yes and as we were getting changed he changed his mind and said there was no time for that and has gone out alone now. He says there's no time because he's meeting a friend at 3pm but he didn't mention that until just now.

[TwitterQueen1]

Sadly it sounds like it's time for a serious talk OP. Where he has gone right now? It's not to meet his friend obviously.... It sounds like he is deliberately looking for/ making up things to argue with you about and to blame you for. This is a lot more than a 'trait'.

[DatingLife]

I have a teenage son with similar "issues". I've tended to pick my battles, but more recently I've upped the ante (i.e. I am absolutely refusing to be blamed for things!). What I'm finding is that there are some positive changes, but it also seems that some of the moodiness, negativity and blaming are part of a "set" characteristic, so there are still struggles.

It can really grind you down and feels very disrespectful. I don't think I would tolerate it from an adult. And to be honest if my son is still doing this at 18 years old there will probably be bigger consequences.

If I were you I would really start to "lay things on the line", and not back down over blaming and so forth. In particular, tell him he really needs to change and buck up his ideas or there's no future for the two of you. He may need a real kick up the arse to see any change, and even then there is no guarantee. Give it 3 months then and see what happens.

[DatingLife]

I mean 3 months after the BIG TALK! You absolutely have to mean it though ( and you may not be at that stage).

[Chatterbitch]

DatingLife thanks for the advice. I think if I said something like that to him it would think it has come out of nowhere. He seems totally oblivious to the fact he's doing this repetitively. I have been going through a lot recently- 2 miscarriages since November- and I want to make sure that I'm not doing things "wrong" and I'm not partly to blame for all this.

I just feel like we are at cross purposes all the time. Maybe he's depressed/ stressed about the miscarriages too and this is how it's affecting him?

[DatingLife]

p.s. Even with my son he will often finally admit when he is in the wrong! it is worrying that your DH does not go down that path and thinks he is always in the right and then forgiving you.

If it helps write down each time, what happens, calmly and rationally. When they are in a heated, angry and blaming mood you can start to doubt yourself! I really really would not put up with this bx.

[Knittedfairies]

Maybe he's finding it hard to cope with your miscarriages?

[Chatterbitch]

I think I will keep a log of it so I can see it clearly. I'm not good with this as I'm quite emotionally sensitive and hate atmospheres and confrontation, plus I really do love him, so when this kind of thing happens it ruins my whole day. It feels like a lot of normal mornings and evenings end up ruined these days.

[DatingLife]

cross-posted.

well, if you like, just monitor things for a while, like in "observer" mode?

then decide if you want to have "the talk".

if things continue in this way you will probably end up having this at some time in the future anyway.

[Chatterbitch]

Knittedfairies that could be part of it as he has got worse recently. He has always been a bit like this but not as bad as he is now.

[Chatterbitch]

DatingLife I think that's a good plan. I'll observe it all for a couple of weeks and go from there.

[Scabetty]

You need to talk to him and tell him to listen and not dismiss your feelings. Tell him you can’t have a child with a child. I wiuld be pissed off he let me get ready to go for a walk and then changed his mind. Ffs you are not his pet.

[Whatwouldkeithrichardsdo]

When my DH does this I just walk away.

I hate the way they think they can talk to people they love like that.

Here's some news for them:

I don't give a shiny shit about your lack of an ironed shirt. Look after yourself.

It really erodes your sense of worth and happiness. It's done to grind you down and put you in your place.

Just switch off and look after yourself. And make plans.

for you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its not you, its him Chatter. This is all on him.

I can well imagine you are unhappy as well but you do not sulk as a power and control measure. Do not make excuses for him, besides which you are not responsible for his actions.

Why would you be at all at fault here for his sulking behaviours?. His behaviours are his to own entirely; it has nothing to do with you and says far more about him as a person. He has likely worsened since marriage as well; abusive men often ramp up the power and control further when they are married and or become parents themselves.

[Hermonie2016]

Attila is spot on.

His behaviour keeps you walking on eggshells and he must know you are upset but does nothing about it.
My ex was similar, completely ramped up when we got married.
Please journal and read "Why does he do that" by Lundy and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.
It doesn't surprise me that you describe yourself as sensitive or empathic.Characters like your husband are often drawn to opposites.
What was his childhood like?

It took me many years to work out what was going on.The fact that you are looking on MN for advice is relevant as you are at the stage of seeking solutions, but the reality is this can't be fixed by you.He has to want to change but why would he?

Ask yourself, how does his behaviour benefit him? What is the payoff?
Its likely that you now double check yourself, making sure his needs are ahead of yours.
Are you financially self sufficient?

[Cricrichan]

So whenever he makes a mistake or he does something that he doesn't like, he finds a way to blame you for it??

And this is even before it becomes your job (in many relationships once children are born all domestic duties seem to fall on the women). Please don't have children with this man. It will just get worse and you'll be tied to him forever.

[FredaNerkk]

I agree with what other PPs have said. I would also suggest you think about whether you have appropriate 'boundaries' and read up on co-dependent personalities. Lots of info on these topics on-line.

[PrizeOik]

My ex was exactly like this.

Ex.

It gets worse with time. By the end he was calling me abusive for not anticipating his petty needs and falling over myself to serve him before he even knew he needed serving...

It's pure entitlement and it's a sign of a miserable ungrateful person who sucks the smallest bit of happiness out of every situation they come into contact with...

[Chatterbitch]

@Cricrichan in answer to your question, yes. If there is any way possible he can link me to what's happening I get the blame.

He is driving the car and it is running out of petrol- my fault for not filling it up sooner.

The sat nav takes him the wrong way- my fault for having an old one.

You get the idea. I feel I have to be really careful at this stage of our relationship to not accept any of this mad blame- I want us to be a partnership of equals.

He also makes up or misremembers very strange things. He announced to a group of friends that I was a very fussy eater and we can't go to certain restaurants because of my restrictive diet- it's bizarre and untrue. When I asked him to give an example of a time he kept saying "all the time" even though it has never happened once. Things like that happen fairly regularly.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

None of this is to do with your miscarriages. Honestly, this wouldn't be the way a man would respond to it. Telling friends you are a fussy eater would not be a response to a miscarriage. He's behaving really, really badly and it must be making you feel really bad, particularly as you are suffering the loss of your babies. I'm so sorry about that

[jedenfalls]

He’s a crazymaker

Run for the hills. Seriously.

[jedenfalls]

And he isn’t misremembering, he’s fucking with you.

[Chickenagain]

This ^^

Keep a diary & see how it evolves