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Needing help and advice

(15 Posts)
troubled50 Sat 24-Feb-18 22:16:45

So where to start with this as not really sure what to do/where to turn.

DW and I have been married over 12 years and together longer though getting together took a few stops and starts. Not my first marriage, and we have two children 5 and 9, and I have older ones with regular contact with them and no issues there.

Around a year ago I discovered that DW had been ‘sexting’ someone that she works with – these were her words. I found out by accident when I saw some messages she had been sending to an ex-school mate about how she had been trying to set up a work trip together, but the message also included rather explicit physical details. The ex-schoolmate was male too.

She denied anything more than sexting had taken place and said the conversation with the ex-schoolmate was just fantasy, and the ‘relationship’ that had been going on had actually ended anyway.

For me it answered many months where I had been almost convinced anyway. This person was someone that she works with (we both work in the same place) and the constant texts were always put down to ‘just work stuff’, but you get a feeling. So it was proof of the bare faced lying that had been going on for many months – and just what else? What else could the lies be about? I also work in the same place so trying not to walk up to ‘Mr Cocksure’ and plant a chair into his mouth wasn’t easy, but I decided he wasn’t worth my career.

Those who have been in this situation won’t need any explanation as to the hurt and betrayal on so many levels, but after much, much discussion we moved on, she stopped contact with the ex- schoolmate and as far I knew no more attempts to contact the work colleague - though I was left with big trust issues and end up going down the route of checking and snooping which is not a comfortable place to be.

It also made me start to think who she was going out for drinks with at work, when she would be home, where they were going etc. as I am well aware that once she has had a few drinks there comes a point where she can become too drunk and just not remember what has happened.

To make things difficult in this equation I had been suffering a medical problem at this time which had been under investigation and awaiting surgery. It was quite painful and debilitating and meaning that I was unable to help much around the house, limiting my ability to travel, help with the children etc. So I know it was an extra strain on the household – but no real fun on me either. I don’t think our sex life suffered as a result of this specifically, yes the meds made me tired but no more than our usual busy workloads did.

Skip forward a few months and we were away on holiday but I had to return for a day in the middle for a meeting. This meeting was booked first and the holiday was moved – it was unavoidable to rearrange everyone else that was attending. I arrived home early to change, and my curiosity go the better of me – which is when I discovered that DW had been on an ‘adult’ site and already very recently met someone on two occasions. I felt sick to the stomach. I sent a cryptic message knowing full well he would understand, and somehow was able to continue with the meeting – all the while DW trying to call me throughout. I drove back to the holiday afterwards, though don’t remember much of the drive, and we went and sat outside a restaurant to discuss (in-laws entertained DC 1&2 and knew nothing.

DW said she couldn’t explain why she did it and had actually run out shaking from the meet, it was a big mistake. She said she was looking for attention and that I had been more focussed on my community activities and less on her/family. I disagree but took this on board, though made it clear that at no point have I ever done anything that broke our marriage vows. DW was full of apologies etc. and even said would enable Google maps to show where she was going to be all of the time. That lasted about 2 months until she said I was spying on her. To be honest I had not paid it much attention though she was the one that had called me a couple of times to ask why I was in certain places.

Much discussion later, and me getting lots off my chest, we somehow moved on – taking each day a step at a time. There again the trust issues as mentioned above still being a huge issue.

For some reason there has been messages pop up from old friends late at night ranging from just “xx”, to “How are you doing beautiful xx”, to “I could make love to you all night long xx”, and while there has been no reply, there has also been no attempt at stopping this either.

I recently had surgery which was supposed to sort my condition out, but resulted in an increase in pain and lack of mobility. I know it brought on low mood as it made me feel quite helpless and put more of the strain of family needs onto DW to have to look after the household and family which I could see was a struggle, but she was all too happy to tell me about, regularly.

One day I did bite back and tell her that when she was going through her bad phases of depression I never once let her know how it was affecting me or the family, but she keeps throwing this back at me and there is nothing I can do. It made no difference.

I also had one of ‘my mates’ constantly messaging her for quite a while through my time off work recovering. Daily, from morning til night, but not so much asking about me, just her, and also not in the way that I would expect MY mate to be messaging DW – not just a “How are you?” but more “How’s things with you gorgeous xxx” and wanting to take her out for a drink. Despite me clearly stating that I found this unacceptable, but waved off as me being stupid and oversensitive by DW…….maybe I was? On the one occasion said mate finally did arrange to come and visit to see me regarding my recovery, I mentioned that DW would be out at the time, and sure enough received a message later cancelling due to a headache!

Finally at New Year, due to a busy Christmas and visiting family a lack of replies meant said ‘mate’ suddenly decided to block all contacts for some reason. Perhaps not getting what he wanted? Bumped into him recently while shopping (I was elsewhere in the store) and he dashed in for a hug, saying things had been quiet, and within a few minutes he tried to add again on all contacts with DW (not with me), again first message being “great to see you today gorgeous xx”. She showed me the message and we discussed this with me saying that it was her choice whether to start up contact again but she knew the issues it caused previously. She didn’t accept and this seemed to me to be a step forward too.

Returned to work a few weeks ago which has been very difficult and stressful, and to make matters worse I have had to change jobs due to ongoing condition. This now puts me in regular view of ‘Mr Cocksure’, swanning around as though nothing has happened.

I couldn’t believe sitting at home at night and seeing DW’s phone light up to see a text message from HIM. I couldn’t help but ask about it which resulted in the roof coming off and a huge argument. I was told that he had noticed me return and was ‘just being friendly’, that DW was allowed to have friends and I was accused of having her in an abusive relationship. I tried to explain how the messages from him were making me feel and that I didn’t think they were acceptable given previous. DW blew back that I didn’t trust her, again raised about my condition putting strain on everyone, and that she had a right to have friends and a life etc. She said I had a choice of either going or staying. I said about seeking help for me, given my current state, but nothing more than that. More issues with work the following day that DW gladly helped with.

Last night I saw her phone flash again – two messages. It wouldn’t take a super sleuth to know they wouldn’t be there today, but it has chewed me up all day. Tonight she tackled me about being ‘off’ with her today so I mentioned the messages and all hell broke loose. I said I only raised it because of how it makes me feel. She immediately took her rings off and said it was over, but not sure if this is a threat or the end – she’s off to a friend’s (female) house. Before leaving I tried to ask if we could both go for professional counselling but she doesn’t seem to think she has a problem, only me.

You may think I’m a total fool for wanting to make things work, but reality is that she is my world, my life, and I love her deeply.

Am I wrong for having an issue with ‘Mr Cocksure’ messaging again? I recognise I need to work on the trust and can do that.


springydaff Sat 24-Feb-18 22:59:58

oh dear god. Please leave this horrible person.

she is taking the piss out of you - I'm sorry to be blunt. Please, gather together your dignity and get rid of her.

SomeKnobend Sat 24-Feb-18 23:07:00

This is ridiculous. She's a serial cheat. You don't trust her because you have a working brain and therefore know that she is untrustworthy. She will not change her behaviour regardless of how you feel about it. You're wasting your time. Leave.

Disquieted1 Sat 24-Feb-18 23:14:17

Are you looking for advice on how to make this relationship work?

If so, and taking everything you have said at face value, there is only one way and you won't like it.
You know what kind of person she is and she will not change. Turn a blind eye to her affairs or leave the relationship.
I knew you wouldn't like it.

MrsElvis Sat 24-Feb-18 23:28:05

The only way you can make this work is to let her shag everyone and even then there's no guarantee she would stay. Please set her and yourself free

troubled50 Sun 25-Feb-18 01:01:57

So DW returned from friends house after a couple of hours and stayed upstairs for an hour or so with nothing said. While she was out I had sent a link from an earlier post on here all about sexting and a message asking her to read to see what effects is has.

Eventually she came down, and said that I was accusing her of sexting again with Mr Cocksure, and it took some time for me to get a word in to explain that the reason I had sent the link was for her to see how it makes people feel, and that it isn't 'just me'......this is the type of damage that her/others actions of this nature do and the way I have felt/feeling is normal under the circumstances. Then bringing the recent messages into it to try and show again how painful it is and just unacceptable. Again she was upset and pressing that she was always 'walking in eggshells' with me.

She brought up how hard she works in the house, and how unhappy she is and unhappy I always look, how I don't do anything with the family and that she is just so fed up of being unhappy and having to put up with my constant condition, not knowing how I will wake up each day.
I know there is truth in there, but living in a constant cage if pain and discomfort with my condition is no real fun for me either. I haven't been able to even have a beer for about 18 months, I sleep little at night due to both pain and anxiety, then wake exhausted and locked in pain not knowing how long before this will get better.

Guessing it might not be 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health' then?

Jon66 Sun 25-Feb-18 01:21:07

If fidelity is important to you, you may not be with the right woman! You don't have the issue, she does, she is unfaithful and continues to behave in a manner which you find uncomfortable and distressing. If she will not moderate her behaviour your choice is stay and put up with her affairs or leave and be on your own. I suspect you are not quite at the leaving stage . . . yet. You sound as though you need to try and concentrate on yourself for a bit. Have you asked for a referral to the pain clinic and also an appointment with a mh practitioner, maybe try some CBT for it So you can manage your issues and health better. You do have to push for these referrals to your gp but they could help a lot. Try and get some stuff going outside the house to. Join the library, go to the cheap Mondays cinema, go and read the paper in your local cafe, try and do something everyday. It just gets worse if you don't get out doing stuff.

troubled50 Sun 25-Feb-18 01:37:00

I already do outside stuff as I am active in the community and do a lot of work for others across the area - have done for some years. She has no interest in this at all, but does not object.
She complains that I show no interest in her 'interests', but going to gym classes isn't my scene - especially at the moment, and when it comes to going out drinking we struggle to get a minder, plus it isn't much fun sitting unable to drink all night - and I wouldn't be out with her mates either.
But don't be thinking we don't go out as that isn't the case at all, and yes - I would like us to be able to go out for a nice night out and a good laugh occasionally, but at the moment it just isn't something that I can physically do. Though I feel she doesn't understand this, just pushed it against me as a problem that makes her unhappy.

Addy2 Sun 25-Feb-18 03:50:15


troubled50 Sun 25-Feb-18 10:33:22

After sleeping on things and, mistakenly, thinking things had been thrashed out a bit last night, another round started this morning with "so do you want to talk...."
Pretty much that she was going to tell me again what she thought. All about how I was sucking the life out of her and the family due to my moods and condition and letting it get the better of me. How she isn't sexting any more and that the messages from him are just as a friend, and that we have 'no didn't in our relationship.

I spoke back, explained that I was well aware of the problems of my condition and didn't need to have the effects in the family forced into me repeatedly as this did nothing to improve my condition, and how did she expect me to feel with this persistent attitude. Also that the 'tension' was not just down to my condition over the last 18months but due to her actions which had obviously sucked the fun out of our life, and that I had not accused her of sexting this time, but she needed to realise that any contact with Mr Cocksure was just wrong and would cause me hurt and anxiety - there is no way that this could be allowed.

So she has agreed to stop this contact...... we'll have to wait and see I suppose.
All the other 'exercise' classes she thinks I should get involved in to get better? Well I said we should talk it over with my Consultant when we meet through the week and see what he says, and whether it would help on top of what I already do. After all, I'm happy to work in improving things with my condition of it is safe to do so medically, but not because she says I have to.

She also says she's fed up of stressing out driving home wondering how I will be, so I told her that was an issue she had to sort out herself.

She said our sex life was great and she wasn't going to allow anyone else to push in between us, so hopefully the above points fall into play, but in the next breath it was that if things don't improve she will take the kids and I can have the house!!??

Jon66 Sun 25-Feb-18 11:04:58

I would urge you to find a good relationship counsellor. It will help a lot. 50 quid an hour for a couple of months was very helpful to us. We were at screaming at each other and constantly bickering stage.

Changedname3456 Sun 25-Feb-18 15:04:42

It sounds a lot like she’s gaslighting you.

Long term illness in a partner can definitely put strain on a relationship. I think you need to be clear to her that you’ll do everything you can to recover as quickly as possible,but you can’t put a timescale on it and that she needs to accept it’ll be like this for an inderterminate time (possibly never getting much better). And then tell her she needs to make a choice as to whether she can commit to a (monogamous) relationship under those circumstances.

IMO, and sorry to say this, nothing will change for very long and you will see the texts (affairs) becoming an issue again. I guess it’s up to you whether you can live with that.

SomeKnobend Sun 25-Feb-18 17:50:54

So you're active in the community and do a lot in relation to that, but you're not well enough to do anything she's interested in? This relationship is an absolute car crash and is making you both miserable.

straightandlevel Sun 25-Feb-18 18:52:17

Wow! Some quite harsh replies that just seem to want to push these apart, but it seems like, as Jon66 has said, you're not ready to leave as yet and looking for a way to try and work things out.

No bones about it that a huge part of this drops firmly in her lap, and no amount of discussion, arguing or shouting should allow that to be moved away from her.

If she wants to make this work she needs to clearly understand that in this/any relationship there is absolutely no room for anyone else and anyone that does creep around should be told straight away to back off, and if this doesn't happen then she is in the wrong!

You say your feelings but not if you have ever strayed in any way to give cause for concern?

On your 'community work', you don't say what this involves - possibly can't? But don't say how you can do this and not what she wants you to do?

Regarding contact from the 'ex', I think the best way of covering that is in this thread found:

Take the advice about a professional counsellor, and on no account allow any friends to give advice no matter what their experience is as it will inevitably be one-sided for either of you - plus you don't want to be airing your laundry to others in case they end up not being your friends later on down the line!

troubled50 Sun 25-Feb-18 21:14:15

Thanks for the link, while I pretty much knew anyway it was good to see so many others having the same opinion that it is just wrong to have any contact afterwards.

My community work has scaled back to just telephone and email pretty much as getting out and about has almost been impossible. So to then look to dive into all sorts of exercise classes when half the time you struggle to even get out of bed isn't something to venture into until more healing has taken place.

I've never strayed. I've probably had opportunities and work used to take me away regularly so if I had wanted to I'm sure I could have possibly looked to do something. But I have never been interested as I am married and love DW, so why would I put all of this at risk for just a fling??
Well that's my view anyway.

I appreciate these last comments. It's easy to say to walk away, and in the past I probably would easily have done in previous relationships, but that's just the reason why this is different and why I can't just give up so easily this time.

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