So where to start with this as not really sure what to do/where to turn.
DW and I have been married over 12 years and together longer though getting together took a few stops and starts. Not my first marriage, and we have two children 5 and 9, and I have older ones with regular contact with them and no issues there.
Around a year ago I discovered that DW had been ‘sexting’ someone that she works with – these were her words. I found out by accident when I saw some messages she had been sending to an ex-school mate about how she had been trying to set up a work trip together, but the message also included rather explicit physical details. The ex-schoolmate was male too.
She denied anything more than sexting had taken place and said the conversation with the ex-schoolmate was just fantasy, and the ‘relationship’ that had been going on had actually ended anyway.
For me it answered many months where I had been almost convinced anyway. This person was someone that she works with (we both work in the same place) and the constant texts were always put down to ‘just work stuff’, but you get a feeling. So it was proof of the bare faced lying that had been going on for many months – and just what else? What else could the lies be about? I also work in the same place so trying not to walk up to ‘Mr Cocksure’ and plant a chair into his mouth wasn’t easy, but I decided he wasn’t worth my career.
Those who have been in this situation won’t need any explanation as to the hurt and betrayal on so many levels, but after much, much discussion we moved on, she stopped contact with the ex- schoolmate and as far I knew no more attempts to contact the work colleague - though I was left with big trust issues and end up going down the route of checking and snooping which is not a comfortable place to be.
It also made me start to think who she was going out for drinks with at work, when she would be home, where they were going etc. as I am well aware that once she has had a few drinks there comes a point where she can become too drunk and just not remember what has happened.
To make things difficult in this equation I had been suffering a medical problem at this time which had been under investigation and awaiting surgery. It was quite painful and debilitating and meaning that I was unable to help much around the house, limiting my ability to travel, help with the children etc. So I know it was an extra strain on the household – but no real fun on me either. I don’t think our sex life suffered as a result of this specifically, yes the meds made me tired but no more than our usual busy workloads did.
Skip forward a few months and we were away on holiday but I had to return for a day in the middle for a meeting. This meeting was booked first and the holiday was moved – it was unavoidable to rearrange everyone else that was attending. I arrived home early to change, and my curiosity go the better of me – which is when I discovered that DW had been on an ‘adult’ site and already very recently met someone on two occasions. I felt sick to the stomach. I sent a cryptic message knowing full well he would understand, and somehow was able to continue with the meeting – all the while DW trying to call me throughout. I drove back to the holiday afterwards, though don’t remember much of the drive, and we went and sat outside a restaurant to discuss (in-laws entertained DC 1&2 and knew nothing.
DW said she couldn’t explain why she did it and had actually run out shaking from the meet, it was a big mistake. She said she was looking for attention and that I had been more focussed on my community activities and less on her/family. I disagree but took this on board, though made it clear that at no point have I ever done anything that broke our marriage vows. DW was full of apologies etc. and even said would enable Google maps to show where she was going to be all of the time. That lasted about 2 months until she said I was spying on her. To be honest I had not paid it much attention though she was the one that had called me a couple of times to ask why I was in certain places.
Much discussion later, and me getting lots off my chest, we somehow moved on – taking each day a step at a time. There again the trust issues as mentioned above still being a huge issue.
For some reason there has been messages pop up from old friends late at night ranging from just “xx”, to “How are you doing beautiful xx”, to “I could make love to you all night long xx”, and while there has been no reply, there has also been no attempt at stopping this either.
I recently had surgery which was supposed to sort my condition out, but resulted in an increase in pain and lack of mobility. I know it brought on low mood as it made me feel quite helpless and put more of the strain of family needs onto DW to have to look after the household and family which I could see was a struggle, but she was all too happy to tell me about, regularly.
One day I did bite back and tell her that when she was going through her bad phases of depression I never once let her know how it was affecting me or the family, but she keeps throwing this back at me and there is nothing I can do. It made no difference.
I also had one of ‘my mates’ constantly messaging her for quite a while through my time off work recovering. Daily, from morning til night, but not so much asking about me, just her, and also not in the way that I would expect MY mate to be messaging DW – not just a “How are you?” but more “How’s things with you gorgeous xxx” and wanting to take her out for a drink. Despite me clearly stating that I found this unacceptable, but waved off as me being stupid and oversensitive by DW…….maybe I was? On the one occasion said mate finally did arrange to come and visit to see me regarding my recovery, I mentioned that DW would be out at the time, and sure enough received a message later cancelling due to a headache!
Finally at New Year, due to a busy Christmas and visiting family a lack of replies meant said ‘mate’ suddenly decided to block all contacts for some reason. Perhaps not getting what he wanted? Bumped into him recently while shopping (I was elsewhere in the store) and he dashed in for a hug, saying things had been quiet, and within a few minutes he tried to add again on all contacts with DW (not with me), again first message being “great to see you today gorgeous xx”. She showed me the message and we discussed this with me saying that it was her choice whether to start up contact again but she knew the issues it caused previously. She didn’t accept and this seemed to me to be a step forward too.
Returned to work a few weeks ago which has been very difficult and stressful, and to make matters worse I have had to change jobs due to ongoing condition. This now puts me in regular view of ‘Mr Cocksure’, swanning around as though nothing has happened.
I couldn’t believe sitting at home at night and seeing DW’s phone light up to see a text message from HIM. I couldn’t help but ask about it which resulted in the roof coming off and a huge argument. I was told that he had noticed me return and was ‘just being friendly’, that DW was allowed to have friends and I was accused of having her in an abusive relationship. I tried to explain how the messages from him were making me feel and that I didn’t think they were acceptable given previous. DW blew back that I didn’t trust her, again raised about my condition putting strain on everyone, and that she had a right to have friends and a life etc. She said I had a choice of either going or staying. I said about seeking help for me, given my current state, but nothing more than that. More issues with work the following day that DW gladly helped with.
Last night I saw her phone flash again – two messages. It wouldn’t take a super sleuth to know they wouldn’t be there today, but it has chewed me up all day. Tonight she tackled me about being ‘off’ with her today so I mentioned the messages and all hell broke loose. I said I only raised it because of how it makes me feel. She immediately took her rings off and said it was over, but not sure if this is a threat or the end – she’s off to a friend’s (female) house. Before leaving I tried to ask if we could both go for professional counselling but she doesn’t seem to think she has a problem, only me.
You may think I’m a total fool for wanting to make things work, but reality is that she is my world, my life, and I love her deeply.
Am I wrong for having an issue with ‘Mr Cocksure’ messaging again? I recognise I need to work on the trust and can do that.
Help.
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troubled50 · 24/02/2018 22:16
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