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Trying again after DH left

(14 Posts)
IncredibleSulk Sat 24-Feb-18 17:32:58

I’ve namechanged (I think!) and whilst not a prolific poster I’m not new.

I’ve been married for 8 years, has dufficulties throughout the marriage really with redundancies, work stress, TTC, illness etc and have never really had time to enjoy being a married couple. We have a 5yo. My husband left in August last year although really our relationship had died months before.

We never really stopped contact, text regularly and slept together. I understood why he left but I never really wanted the split. However he had been seeing someone else since November and since the new year I had been on a few dates etc.

We’ve now gone a full circle and decided to try and save our marriage. Only I’m really struggling to come to terms with the fact that he had an actual relationship with another woman, I feel like our marriage is a sham. There was no deception, he was fairly honest with me about it all and hasn’t cheated when we were together. But how do you draw a line under it and stop thinking about what we may or may not have done with this other woman etc. It doesn’t help that I overthink everything.

IncredibleSulk Sat 24-Feb-18 17:33:31

I’ve namechanged (I think!) and whilst not a prolific poster I’m not new.

I’ve been married for 8 years, has dufficulties throughout the marriage really with redundancies, work stress, TTC, illness etc and have never really had time to enjoy being a married couple. We have a 5yo. My husband left in August last year although really our relationship had died months before.

We never really stopped contact, text regularly and slept together. I understood why he left but I never really wanted the split. However he had been seeing someone else since November and since the new year I had been on a few dates etc.

We’ve now gone a full circle and decided to try and save our marriage. Only I’m really struggling to come to terms with the fact that he had an actual relationship with another woman, I feel like our marriage is a sham. There was no deception, he was fairly honest with me about it all and hasn’t cheated when we were together. But how do you draw a line under it and stop thinking about what we may or may not have done with this other woman etc. It doesn’t help that I overthink everything.

IncredibleSulk Sat 24-Feb-18 17:33:55

Sorry, not sure why that’s a double post!

Hithere1981 Sat 24-Feb-18 17:35:09

Not once do you mention love.
I think that speaks volumes.

Rainboho Sat 24-Feb-18 17:39:06

You’re flogging a dead horse here OP. Move on.

HollyBollyBooBoo Sat 24-Feb-18 17:41:05

Why have you decided to try again? What are the reasons?

Kikashi Sat 24-Feb-18 17:42:58

Are you happier with him back full time? Do you feel cherished? Do you love him still?

IncredibleSulk Sat 24-Feb-18 17:48:39

I’m not very good at talking about feelings and I guess that’s evident in my initial post. The reason we both want to try again is because of love. After all this, I still love him so much and he says the same. I guess the reason it hurts so much thinking about what he’s done is because I still love him.

We had been together for such a long time, he is my best friend and I thought he was my soul mate. If I think about my future I automatically picture him.

SandyY2K Sat 24-Feb-18 17:50:10

What's changed? Are the previous issues gone?

What will be different?

fairypuff Sat 24-Feb-18 17:54:17

I would find it hard to get past the fact he'd been with someone else but, if it was worth it, I would fight to save a marriage. Have you considered couples counselling?

IncredibleSulk Sat 24-Feb-18 17:55:36

Without outing myself our circumstances have changed a lot since the separation and we should know have more free time and money to have dates and holidays etc. Since having our child we have only had 2 nights out alone and spent no time together at all. We basically just took each other for granted.

I know that’s not what I want from life now and would make those things part of our relationship should he come back. He wants this too. I feel like I’ve learned so much about myself and where our marriage went wrong.

IncredibleSulk Sat 24-Feb-18 17:58:07

We did go to relate a couple of years ago and it was helpful but one of the key issues we established was the lack of time we spent together and due to work/finances we never really did anything to change it. Those circumstances have changed now and we could have regular date nights etc and we have discussed going back to counselling together.

I’ve also had individual counselling since the split which has helped me immensely as I’ve had a long term history of low mood which hasn’t helped the situation.

Sometimeitrains Sun 25-Feb-18 06:43:56

IncredibleSulk been in a similar situation except I went out on one date while he had a 6 month relationship during the split. We are now dating and have started counselling.

Drawing a line under it is difficult as I float between the notion that we werent actually together but still attached to each other.
Trust is also now a problem.
We spoke about it at length accept that our original problems are one thing to be worked one but this is on him, in terms of earning my trust that he wont do this next time things get tough and he has learnt not to expect it to happen overnight.

BackInTheRoom Sun 25-Feb-18 09:05:08

Have a read of this OP

Dr Harley

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042qa.htmll__
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_*His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: Keeping Romance Alive*__ 
_
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0800759362/ref=cmm_swrr_cpapii_bW-JAb6AQYXZ6

John Gottman:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/JohnGottmann__
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https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotess__/

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work_ https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0752837265/ref=cmm_swrr_cpapii_7W-JAbCHTPC9X

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