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Can't get words in order

(70 Posts)
CaramelisedSalt Fri 23-Feb-18 22:00:22

HI I am very very anxious typing this so it may be hard for me, I cant get my words out properly.

Right now I have two main issues going on and I'm worried that posting about both will get them muddled but am trying to address them separately.

I've posted before a few times before but always name change so the threads don't get connected.

My son is 14, I worry about his health all the time as he doesn't eat properly. He said he doesn't feel well tonight - I'm worried sick. Got anxiety symptoms, stomach ache, shaking etc. feel sick.

Also been told am in an abusive relationship, am seeing womens aid weekly. He's been horrible tonight.

My son is at an age where he feels me asking questions is 'hassling' him, so soon as I ask how hes feeling etc he gets annoyed and shuts off. So earlier he said he felt tired and had a headache but now gone in his room and told me to leave him alone. Not like him normally at all. He was like this earlier too before partner got home so not in response to his nastiness.

I'm a nervous wreck. Tried to leave many times but son won't come with me and I'm not leaving him here. Need someone/anyone to talk to.

Humv Fri 23-Feb-18 22:02:57


I’m so sorry you’re goijg through this. Could the behaviour of your partner be affecting how your son feels? If they both happened tonight and your partner is being awful, it could be making your son anxious. I wouldn’t take it personally that he’s told you to leave him alone (although I know that’s hard), I think that’s quite normal for a 14 year old.

Humv Fri 23-Feb-18 22:04:26

Sorry, posted too soon. Why won’t your son leave with you? Is your partner physically or emotionally abusive?

You mentioned your son doesn’t eat properly, how long has this been going on? What will/won’t he eat?

CaramelisedSalt Fri 23-Feb-18 22:08:04

Hi Humv thank you for replying, my son said he was feeling unwell a couple of hours before partner got home but I suppose it could all be connected somehow.

He's mentally abusive only, it's so clever and so subtle that after 16 years of it I'm in the position of believing its all my fault and that I'm horrible sad its others who insist it is abuse, not me.

My son has had eating problems since age 4, he only eats chips and is vegan and has food phobias, he sees a dietician. Just worried it's catching up with him now.

NotTheFordType Fri 23-Feb-18 22:08:21

You may have to leave on your own, extend your son the option of leaving, but accept that you've taught him that this behaviour is acceptable.

Mxyzptlk Fri 23-Feb-18 22:13:20

I think the stressful living situation will have contributed to your son's eating problems.

CaramelisedSalt Fri 23-Feb-18 22:13:32

NotTheFordType, it will probably come to that in the end yes, I have left before and managed to get partner to leave before but he always comes back. So many regrets about what I've taught my son, it's awful and I take full responsibility.

CaramelisedSalt Fri 23-Feb-18 22:15:10

Mxyzptlk - absolutely, I agree it is anxiety based, what he feels and goes through with food. It started when I left my partner back when he was 4 and has just got worse and worse - I went back to him when he was 6 (stupidly)

Humv Fri 23-Feb-18 22:17:21

caramelisedsalt I know it’s hard, but as long as your son is eating, I think it’s something don’t need to worry about this instant, you have plenty of other things to worry about. Maybe he really just has a headache and wants a bit of time alone and because you’re anxious you’re overthinking it? It’s hard for me to say but I think the main priority at this moment is trying to be less anxious yourself.

You aren’t horrible at all, your partner is. Do you have a support system in real life? Again, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I know it won’t be easy to leave your son and completely understand why you won’t.

CaramelisedSalt Fri 23-Feb-18 22:22:29

Humv, you're really kind and wish I could express how much your words mean to me, am crying my eyes out as feel broken. Then feel so guilty as there are people suffering so much more. I feel guilt about everything, it pours out of me.

Yes my son sometimes goes into himself and finds me really overbearing, I do ask a lot of questions I know and he can't cope with it so am trying always to reign it in. but when he feels ill it sends my mind into overdrive and I think all the worst things sad

I have good support but mum busy tonight, my dads in bed I think and sister got young baby so don't want to bother her - I have just two friends and don't feel close enough to them anymore to chat. So support is there but in the daytime which is why it's hard now. Womens aid are fantastic I have to say. Am going to see them next week and the lady I see is going through different abuse tactics to help me see the situation I'm in.

Thank you again for chatting.

Mxyzptlk Fri 23-Feb-18 22:24:41

You've been subjected to mental abuse. That has altered your perceptions so don't be too hard on yourself.
Do you feel that your son will suffer more if you leave without him?

StephiD3 Fri 23-Feb-18 22:29:50

Just a suggestion but your son may have seen you treated badly by your partner & thinks it’s ‘normal’ to be disrespectful / rude to you, thinking it’s just a way to communicate. At the same time, he is a teenager & it could just be hormones & you are worrying & looking too much into it.

You seem to be doing the right thing speaking to Women’s Aid, you need professional help in order to get through this - for both you and your son.

Hope you’re ok flowers

dirtybadger Fri 23-Feb-18 22:30:08

Your son is also at an age where he might start insisting on more "alone time"...sorry blush but worth bearing in mind. He may well just have a headache, too! So try not to worry about that side of things too much.

CaramelisedSalt Fri 23-Feb-18 22:30:33

Do you feel that your son will suffer more if you leave without him?

Yes probably, only I know what he eats my partner doesn't believe in 'pandering' to him about his food issues so has said he will 'starve it out of him' which worries me.

And my son would feel abandoned I think, I've said before I'm going to my sisters for one night to get a break and he's begged me not to go.

CaramelisedSalt Fri 23-Feb-18 22:33:18

Just a suggestion but your son may have seen you treated badly by your partner & thinks it’s ‘normal’ to be disrespectful / rude to you, thinking it’s just a way to communicate. At the same time, he is a teenager & it could just be hormones & you are worrying & looking too much into it.

You seem to be doing the right thing speaking to Women’s Aid, you need professional help in order to get through this - for both you and your son.

Hope you’re ok

^ thank you so much for this message, its helped a lot actually as yes my son must see how I'm treated and internalise it which breaks my heart but am trying to undo it. So yes that might be why he is blunt to me sometimes. He is very hormonal too I think, he has mood swings sometimes.

W. Aid are great, I will keep going as long as they'll see me.

CaramelisedSalt Fri 23-Feb-18 22:35:06

Dirtybadger I had thought of that tbh, he was alone for a couple of hours while partner was out and until I got home from work at 7 and maybe preferred the time to himself to do god knows what! He does value his privacy a lot and loves his bedroom. So am trying not to freak out.

I feel a bit calmer and stopped shaking - thank you all so much flowers

Pessismistic Fri 23-Feb-18 22:36:52

Hi sorry to hear what your going through and I have a 14 year old son who doesn't want to talk too much to me either goes to his room I would not leave without him but would just say if anything is bothering you you will tell me won't you? Just explain you worry that's what parents do. My son says I sometimes treat him like a baby I'm overprotective but he is my only child and of course we worry your situation is worse because of the abuse. If you partner is subtle does your son realise what he's doing?

Humv Fri 23-Feb-18 22:37:11

caramelisedsalt your partner has probably, over time, made you feel like you don’t deserve kindness and you DO. Please try not to feel guilt over everything, it’s too much pressure for anyone to bear. I agree to an extent with a PP who mentioned about teaching your son acceptable behaviours from your partner, which is so important at this age. Especially if it’s such subtle abuse that if you were struggling to see it as abuse he may see it as a normal way to treat people too. You sound like a wonderful person doing the best you can in a shitty situation.

I know it’s hard not to worry, but people get headaches- especially if his diet isn’t great, it may be making him feel lethargic but in the grand scheme of things, it isn’t your biggest worry right now.

If you don’t mind me asking, what does your partner say/do?

Could you maybe for tonight just put yourself in bed, away from your partner, give your son some space and just try to calm your anxiety? Do you think that would help?

CaramelisedSalt Fri 23-Feb-18 22:49:16

Pessimistic - I relate to a lot of that. It's hard isn't it? 14 is an odd age, so mature in some ways yet they are like our babies still. Mine is an only child too which I think can make a difference as they are the only child we focus on? I've told him he can always talk to me about anything at all, just hope he would take me up on it. It's all we can do isn't it. Yes I think he sees what his dad is like but is too used to it to be able to imagine life any different and that is where the guilt comes in then.

Humv - thanks for the kind words again, I am doing my best and try hard to keep going as my son has to see that in me, I'm determined that something good somewhere comes from his parental relationships.

I have health anxiety, especially around headaches, its because of something that happened to me in childhood where I was attacked and its scared me ever since. Don't want to say much as paranoid about being identified, but I have so many health fears for me and my son.

My partner was incredibly abusive in the early years, in hindsight I see it clearly. He called me names, laughed and mocked me, was very cruel when I had a miscarriage, he was financially controlling. He was openly horrible to ,me and I defended him sad but I wasn't perfect at this time, I was quite jealous and moody too and he brings that up as the reason why he was like that.

Then I left him and he changed and the subtle things began. Now I don't know what it is...he refuses to work, he spends money though excessively, he is lazy, he calls me a trouble maker if I try to challenge him on anything, a nag, negative, miserable. He says I'm mentally ill and unstable. He can be nice some days and snappy others but says its me misinterpreting him - he says I caused son's eating problems by being a pushover and we need to starve him. But because I don't like myself I feel like I make him like this.

CaramelisedSalt Fri 23-Feb-18 22:52:00

When I say he wants to starve him it sounds worse than it is - he means only get him the food we eat and if he refuses then he goes without, but I feel it's cruel and understand his condition (SED/ARFID if anyone wants to google)

Humv Fri 23-Feb-18 23:15:38

Ah, that’s why his headache is bothering you.

You partner sounds awful, like he’s trying to stamp out the fight in you. As for saying you caused your sons eating issues , that’s ridiculous. Starving him is definitely not the answer and like I said, at least he’s eating. Forcing him to eat things he doesn’t want will only lead to more issues, especially at such a difficult time.

I’m glad you’re feeling calmer and hope you manage to get some rest tonight. I’m sure your son will feel better in the morning too. flowers

CaramelisedSalt Fri 23-Feb-18 23:41:06

Yes headaches are a massive trigger, I can (just about) cope with D&V bugs, sore throats, coughs etc but anything head related makes me have physical anxiety symptoms.

You're right about my partner, he is like an emotional vampire sucking life out of me while making me feel like I'm scum at the same time. I'd never force DS to eat, it's counter productive and have researched his issues a lot so I know what will definitely not work with him. Still trying to find the things that do work, but it's a marathon not a sprint.

Thank you again, I will be ok. Managed to get hold of my mum so chatted a bit to her via text which helped. I honestly have appreciated your messages tonight Humv and everyone elses flowers

Pessismistic Sat 24-Feb-18 00:05:21

You shouldn't feel guilty but I do myself for different reasons even if it's not my fault I can feel guilt not sure if that's a Catholic thing or just me. It's annoying your basically beating yourself up emotionally.

Humv Sat 24-Feb-18 11:32:05

How are you feeling today caramelisedsalt? Are things a little better?

CaramelisedSalt Sat 24-Feb-18 12:23:29

Pessimistic, sorry you struggle with guilt too, it really is an emotion that does nothing other than keep us down. No good can come from us constantly telling ourselves we have caused everything to go wrong. Yet in the midst of it our brains seem to only think that way and nothing can change them!

Humv I'm very anxious again today, son seemed fine just before bed and quite lively if anything so it can't be a virus or anything. Partner was just miserable and we didn't speak. My son's still in bed now, - I meant to say one of the things my partner has done for years is sleep late into the day and stay up all night. Unfortunately my son has developed similar default sleeping patterns which I try hard to fight.

Going to try to get him up again (I tried an hour ago) and will attempt to ask how he's feeling. Still got anxiety symptoms today and feel I can't go anywhere or do anything sad

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