Feeling desperate and lost - please help me

[lost289]

I am so lost and really need help. I have been with a man for the last year or so. He was loving and kind at the beginning but tonight there was a real turning point (perhaps not his 'fault’, perhaps mine, I don’t know… I’m so confused). Things became increasingly difficult over the months, we have always argued a lot, both having quite fiery personalities. At the beginning he wanted things to move faster, I was unsure about committing (because I met him so soon after separating from my husband), he pushed for the relationship. About 6 months ago we started having problems in our sex life, and that evolved into this huge issue. He suddenly seemed to lose interest in me sexually, rarely wanted to have sex, became less and less intimate/affectionate with me. I wanted to communicate about it, but that seemed to make things worse, nothing changed, even though it was clearly upsetting me. It really crippled my self-esteem, made me feel ugly and unattractive. I felt so frustrated by the whole situation, couldn’t understand why he was unable/unwilling to address the issue. He obviously in turn felt resentful that I kept bringing it up, that I wouldn’t just accept things. I was so unhappy, and the more unhappy I became the more he responded by being cold and distant. At the beginning of January I decided things couldn’t continue, so I told him I couldn’t go on like this, that I didn’t think he realised that this was a make or break issue for me. So I broke up with him, but in hindsight, subconsciously, I think I just wanted him to understand it was important, that I was so upset and frustrated about it all. He sent me messages afterwards telling me he loved me, that he was so sad, wanted to be with me, that we’d see a relationship counsellor, that we could try all manner of things to make it better. A few days later we spoke on the phone, I said I was willing to try and make things work, but that we both needed to put effort in. He was away for work at the time, came back two weeks later, and nothing changed, things were even worse. I made a huge effort, but we argued, there was absolutely no affection or tenderness from him, he was colder, more distant, clearly because he was hurt. Again, I tried to take stock of the situation, and realised things were never going to improve like this. I was just so sad all the time, I felt like I was trying to force him to love me ‘better/more/in a way that was familiar to me’, and then feeling frustrated because inevitably you cannot change someone like that. A week later I told him I thought that this time really was the end, that nothing had changed, things were worse. He said it’s not what you want really, but I insisted this was it, that I was too unhappy and couldn’t continue. I totally meant it, it wasn’t empty gesturing or manipulation. So then we didn’t speak for a while. He sent me a letter, telling me he was upset and angry but that I should come back to him, that he still loved me. I replied, laying out what exactly I felt, why I had got to the point of needing to break things off, why I wanted so much to make things work, but why I couldn’t do it without us both making an effort, listening to the other, being open and communicating etc. We then saw each other for a drink a couple of days later, it was nice, ‘friendly’, but there was a miscommunication which I didn’t realise until the next day. I think I had understood from all of that that he wanted to give things another shot, that his letter meant he was committing to changing things. In hindsight, lots of wishful thinking. I went over to his the next day ‘unannounced’, tried to be tender and light with him, but realised something wasn’t right. So I said, look, can you just tell me how you feel, because I’m not sure I understand. He said, as I see it, we’ve broken up, you wanted to break up, you are right, we were both unhappy. He said something changed the second time you broke up with me, maybe it’s self-protective, but now I see this as the end, not ‘the end end’, who knows what will happen in the future, but for the time-being this isn’t going to work. I heard loud and clear the message, we both cried, I gave him back his door key, and we said our goodbyes.

Since then (three weeks ago) I have just been so deeply deeply unhappy. Other things are going on in my life – work rejections, family problems, I’m living in a foreign country (his native country), don’t have close friends or family around me – but at heart I feel like I have lost the one person who loved me, and it was my own decision. I have had difficult break ups before, but this is something entirely different. I am coping so badly, not sleeping, not eating, and quite honestly, thinking about killing myself every day. I am starting to wonder if I’ve actually been depressed for quite a while now, that I go through ‘up’ periods, but that on the whole I’ve been really quite down for months and months, and this relationship was both a source of that sadness, and in some respects the cure. Fast forward to last Saturday, I called him, asking if he fancied having a coffee, asking how he was. I felt okay that day, I missed him, but basically just wanted to see him, as ‘friends’/as someone I felt a lot of love for. It hurts so much to suddenly cut the one person I love and am close to from my life in such a brutal fashion. There’s clearly a mismatch between our ways of dealing with things. He said he didn’t feel up to it, that he’d let me know when he felt ready, but for now it was all too raw. I said okay, I understand, let me know if you do want to meet. He said he did, but not right now. No word from him since then. This week has been the worst, I’ve got no work done, I sleep two hours a night, I can’t stop thinking about wanting to die. I feel so desperate.

Tonight I went over to his, mainly as a cry for help, because I just can’t cope. I just wanted to see him and to be with the person who has loved me the most this last year, who has been my closest friend, when I feel like I’m on the edge. I got there and he wasn’t there. We spoke on the phone, he has gone away for the weekend and isn’t in our city. I said I was really unhappy, that I was thinking of leaving and going back to the UK, that I wanted to see him before I left. He said he was coming back Monday, that we could see each other then if I didn’t go before that. He asked if I was okay. Somehow the conversation escalated into the most horrific conversation. I was crying and crying, I just felt so desperate. I told him I was feeling awful, that I wanted to see him, that I felt so lonely in this foreign city, that I wouldn’t have come and disrespected his wishes if it wasn’t important. He ended up saying look, you need to learn to take care of yourself, to deal with your sadness on your own. We’ve broken up, you clearly don’t want this relationship to be over, and to be honest, a lot of the time, neither do I, but we were both unhappy, and the fact that you’re here again tonight, disrespecting my own need for distance shows that you’ve not changed, that we’re in the same dynamic as before, that nothing has changed. I said yes but I have largely respected your need for distance, we’ve not seen each other for three weeks, we’ve not been in touch, but I also have my needs, and right now I’m so unhappy and need your help. He said well you need to learn to deal with that yourself. I said, trust me, this is humiliating to see myself in this state, to be here, without any dignity, and I would never have come if I didn’t feel this desperate. He said, trust me, it’s not pleasant for me either. I felt so hurt, that even in the moment where I felt the most hopeless, that was his response. Because of feeling hurt I started to say that I just wished I’d realised he was like this earlier, that I would’ve left a long time ago if I’d known he wasn’t really there for me. I said that I had never been like this before, I was never such an emotional wreck, never so ‘needy’ and desperate, and that that was no doubt in part a reaction to him and his personality. (This by the way is completely true - I’ve never been with someone whose response to someone else’s emotional needs is to be distant and cold.) He put the phone down.

I just don’t know what to do. I know that his attitude is totally understandable, he’s been ‘dumped’, twice, and then when I came back wanting to make things work, he’s put his foot down and said no. All of which I understand. He’s hurting, and dealing with it in his way. I also understand that all of this could be seen as emotionally ‘manipulative’, that it looks like I am using my feelings to manipulate him. But honestly, from my heart, I just feel so desperate and lost and sad. I honestly just wanted to reach out tonight to the person I love, who loves loved me, because I am worried I really seriously will kill myself. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should send him a message to apologise and say I’m sorry I didn’t mean to argue or blame him, that it was just a cry for help because I’m so unhappy. I don’t know whether to feel indignant and angry that he pushed for this relationship, was so loving for so long and then drew away, little by little, over the last few months, as I’ve got more and more unhappy. Do I simply accept that we’re not compatible, that he can’t look after me the way I need to be looked after sometimes? I don’t know whether to i) just never contact him again and move on ii) try and patch things up and keep some form of friendly relationship iii) try and make amends, to get myself better and then be with him again iv) just end it all because I’m such a fucking useless, worthless person who clearly can’t cope with human relationships, who is too fragile to deal with everything. Re: point iv) I want with all my heart to do this, but I feel like it would be so awful for him, for my family and friends, just the final selfish act in a string of horrible selfish forms of behaviour.

Please be gentle with me, even if you think that, reading between the lines, I’ve behaved like a melodramatic b-tch and that I should accept the consequences of my own decisions. Sorry that this is so self-aborbed, and dripping with selfish, blinkered self-pity. Any thoughts, feedback, words of advice would be wonderful... It's so hard to see things clearly when you're in the midst of it all.

[lost289]

By way of a little further back story, something happened early on in our relationship which unsettled me in terms of his ability to be totally emotionally disconnected. I got really drunk one night and hitched a lift to a party where I was supposed to be meeting him. The guy who gave me the lift locked the doors and sexually assaulted me. When I told him and some of his friends about this in tears as I arrived at the party he was weird, sort of cold/off with me. The next day he told me off for getting drunk and being stupid enough to hitch a lift (fair enough), and he said he 'laughed to himself' when I explained to these friends that where I'm from in the UK it's rural and hitching lifts is more of a thing, because it was clearly nonsense. I remember this phrase 'laughing to myself' really struck me as a weird, deeply discompassionate way to describe your response to your girlfriend being assaulted? Since then I've always been wary of whether he's really there for me when things are bad, and no doubt has made me push even more for his love when it's not there.

[FissionChips]

Just leave and forget about him. Reationships shouldn’t be such hassle, can you be bothered with this ballache for the rest of your life?

[lost289]

FissionChips yes, i cannot deal with putting so much emotional energy into this. Everything has fallen by the way side - my work, my own interests, my sense of self, it's horrible. I've never had that in relationships beforehand, I feel like i've lost myself in this relationship. I just hope I can move on as quickly as possible and find myself again.

[lost289]

Sorry to sound like a f--king self help book!

[Djnoun]

Ah dear. Don't feel humiliated. We've all made the mistake of seeking reassurance from a cold man - at least, I have. It's the fruit machine addiction - you keep feeding money in for the thrill of the rare payout. But it isn't consistent. And you're ultimately depleting your resources doing so. I've made this mistake too. The only way to feel better is to cut them out of your life. And out of your thoughts. The longer you can stay away from them, the more your self esteem can grow again. You haven't been unreasonable. You just wanted physical affection and satisfaction. For whatever reason, and it's pointless to analyse it, he is not capable of providing that. But there are millions of other people on this planet. When you're back on your feet and self sufficient, which grows with time, not on demand, you'll meet someone who will make all this seem like a bad dream.

[eridanus]

Your instinct in leaving him was correct. Now you are going over it in your head, second guessing yourself. As FissionChips said it should not be that difficult if it is love and he is in anyway right for you. To be honest lost289, the flow of your message alone suggests that you are not in a great place, stop faltering on your decision. Maybe you should consider moving back to the UK? He doesn't seem to be the entire reason for your upset. Be kind to yourself, nobody is a 'fucking useless, worthless person'. Everyone has value to people who love them; you for sure have particular values far greater than mine, and maybe I you in different areas and we pass this way once only and if we meet, maybe I gain from you and you from me. Forget him, he is offering you nothing. And try and see tomorrow as a new beginning.

[FissionChips]

Concentrate on getting yourself back to feeling great. What did you used to like to do before you met that nob?

[lost289]

Djnoun Thank you so much. It's so valuable to hear that. I realised as I was writing this that any further attempt to have any kind of contact with him is pointless. I hate leaving things on bad terms, I hate the idea that he keeps this final image of me crying on the phone, looking so desperate and needy, lashing out at him. But whether I send him a 'reasonable' text now, apologising, or I see him for an amicable drink at some point, it all amounts to nothing. If he has an image now of me as needy or selfish then that's fine. I am undoubtable sometimes or in some part those things, but I'm also loving, intelligent, thoughtful, etc. And you accept to love people as a configuration of all their qualities and weaknesses, and he's now made it very clear he doesn't accept that. So why on earth would I want to be with someone who doesn't love me despite that, and why would I waste time trying to prove them wrong, when that's just the reality of the messy bundle of things that we all are. Ultimately, he's not there for me in an hour of need, and that hurts, but also is probably important to see now, before it continued any further.

[lost289]

eridanus Thank you, you are so right in what you say. I know I'm just doing lots of black and white thinking and not being reasonable. I am sure that lots of other things are mixed up in my sadness at the moment, that he's become the focus of it all, but that it's bigger than that. I think i will go back to the UK next week, and see how it goes. The problem is I don't have a home there, but I can see friends and that will be good and sort of 'rooting' if you see what I mean.

FissionChips Thank you, yes, I am going to try and see some friends, get back on with work, maybe start a new hobby (just realised that since the 5th January I've written 65,000 words in my diary, if that hadn't been just 'me me me whinge whinge what should i do?' i could've written a short novel by now haha!)

[FissionChips]

You do seem to like to write

Stay strong and keep looking forward.

[Djnoun]

It's great that you keep a diary. I used to for years, but can't seem to manage it anymore.

I think the most important thing you need to know is that you didn't do anything wrong. You tried your best at something, but you reached your limit of your endurance. And that's ok. And it's ok that you thought twice and double checked. It doesn't matter that it didn't end perfectly. It doesn't matter what he thinks either.

I've done the begging thing too. Just felt so horrible that I needed to cling on to someone, you know? And the same thing happened to me. They threw it back in my face. But that's their shitty behaviour. It's not wrong to ask for help when you need it. But some people are selfish and not capable of being there for another person. A more generous person would have helped you. I would have helped you. And the same for everyone else on the thread. We'd all have rescued you. And I'm sure you would do the same for someone else, because this vulnerability and sensitivity is part of what makes you a decent human being. It hurts sometimes, but to close up makes you cold. It makes you less than human. You should be proud of yourself for not being cold and closed off.

[lost289]

Haha yes it's true!! It's what I do for a living but no excuses for plaguing mumsnetters with such rambling messages!! Thank you though, I feel better already reading your posts.

[lost289]

Thank you Djnoun, that's such a great way to put it, and it's so true, I think it makes you more of a person to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to risk getting hurt, but to be truly connected to other people rather than closed off in your own self. Or, judgements aside, that's fine if there are people who are like that, for all the various reasons that they might have become that way, but in any case being with someone who is fundamentally closed-off is not going to make me happy.

It's just hard when someone has been the closest person to you for a relatively long time to suddenly be forced to accept an absolute wall of silence. With my ex-husband we have stayed in touch and see each other fairly regularly and there's a lot of love there, even if we're no longer together. By contrast, accepting to have a messy end, to see the person in a different light, to reframe our past, just makes a whole year of memories so painful. How did you manage that side of things? Does it just get easier as time goes on?

[Djnoun]

I don't know that it's easy to accept. I definitely fought against it. But at the end of the day, if someone won't open up to you, you are forced to accept it eventually, which is how it was for me. Even worse, is when they blame you for their own shortcomings, which it sounds like is happening here. Naturally, you accept the judgement of other people. But the judgement of these closed off people is skewed. That needs to be eroded by listening to sensible opinions.

[Djnoun]

How are feeling this morning?