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How to move on from cruel comments

(217 Posts)
HariboIsMyCrack Thu 22-Feb-18 12:57:40

I am wondering whether I can move on from this.

DH and I were arguing because (in a nutshell) I did not want sex (too tired, have 14 month old DS and work FT). He told me (in a temper) that I should be grateful that anyone was interested in me at my age and size, and pointed out that I never wax any more (true) or take proper care of my appearance, or buy new clothes. Prior to this, he had made a few pointed remarks about not waxing my bikini line for a while - and offering to pay for me to have it done. I just ignored him. He said all his friends have "professional" wives as well and they are all more polished and groomed than me. He feels I have deceived him into thinking I was woman A when in fact I am slob woman B.

I work FT for financial reasons and when not WOH I just want to be with DS, not in some salon having bits pulled off and trimmed. also, I don't really care about clothes any more and would rather spend/save any spare cash for DS. I told him as much.

I was very upset and he apologised. But I am still dwelling on it and I don't feel the same way about him any more.

On the one hand, it seems too trivial to break up a family and almost....vain? But on the other, I can't stop replaying the comments in my head and it's knocked me for 6. (I am avoiding mirrors and wearing baggy clothes, for example.) I am also having intrusive thoughts that are essentially me replaying his comments in my head whenever things get a bit stressful, e.g. realising I have made an error at work, or having to speak in public. I know I sound crazy - I do have depression, have been on AD's for years, and it is generally well-controlled.

Has anyone been through this with their DH and come out the other side?

PipGirl404 Thu 22-Feb-18 13:00:08

L
T
B

gamerchick Thu 22-Feb-18 13:05:10

No I don’t think it’s a ltb thing. I do think that when we have babies sometimes that our relationship takes a back seat and while he hasn’t been kind and it’s come out quite awfully if you’re not bonding then it is going to come out one way or another.

It is a 2 way thing though and not all him telling you your perceived failings. Relationships need tending to.

If intrusive thoughts are becoming a problem, there are ways to take control so they don’t invade your life. Maybe a tweaking of medications?

Aprilshowerswontbelong Thu 22-Feb-18 13:08:43

Tell him actually he would be more appealing with a back, sack +crack wax. Tell him you have appointments booked and his is first ....

FabbyChix Thu 22-Feb-18 13:11:34

He is supposed to love you for you not for your hairy legs or bikini line, its about whats inside not outside, and sex should come last and be a bonus not a given. Id tell him when he decides to acknowledge your a working mum pulling your weight and get tired and up his game you might consider thinking about shaving or having sex in the meantime tell him to do it himself.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 22-Feb-18 13:14:12

Wtf does he need you to wax?

Is your size much different?

FlyMaybe Thu 22-Feb-18 13:14:26

What aprilshowers said. With knobs on.

Beanteam Thu 22-Feb-18 13:17:04

Is there any chance you can cut hours to spend more time with DS. Wearing unflattering clothes because you want to buy for DS seems a bit OTT, DS won’t care what he’s wearing.

yetmorecrap Thu 22-Feb-18 13:19:07

what an arse. he should think he is bloody lucky you are contributing to family income as much as you are with a small child. Actually I find this suggesting constant shaving all your bits etc really weird in guys. I think too much porn has played a part. Those guys who have 'professional wives' are likely to be the guys at some point moaning about how expensive/high maintenance their wives are too.

flowerbloom Thu 22-Feb-18 13:19:10

I'm going to disagree with a lot of people here.

I believe it's very important in a relationship to look after yourself. Love and fancying you are very different. He obviously loves you - you've not doubted that. But keeping your relationship full of exciting things is important. So I do think your reasons for not looking after your appearance are not fair on him either.

Him getting angry at sex, definitely not a reason to break up a marriage. Ludicrous that people are saying it. It's not good, so you need to understand why it upset him so much, is he stressed? is there something on his plate? Explain that it has to be consensual. But sex is also fundamental to a healthy relationship.

I definitely don't think LTB and vows don't include that either!

UpSideDownBrain Thu 22-Feb-18 13:25:58

There a lot of real nastiness and anger in his comments.
The idea you should be grateful for his attention.
That his friends wives are better than you.
That you deceived him.
I'm not surprised your feelings have changed. flowersflowersflowers

PositiveVibes18 Thu 22-Feb-18 13:26:26

What FlowerBoom said.

DoraMilaje Thu 22-Feb-18 13:28:13

* I should be grateful that anyone was interested in me at my age and size,*

I don't think I would ever be able to get past this.

This is beyond a lack of grooming and care in appearance, that's utter contempt.

UpSideDownBrain Thu 22-Feb-18 13:29:14

flowerbloom - you should pop back to the 50s. I think you'd like it there.

Jammycustard Thu 22-Feb-18 13:32:33

You don’t need his approval to exist as you are.

sadie9 Thu 22-Feb-18 13:35:27

Tell him you will pay for him to have anger mangement classes. Do not go and get yourself waxed, how bloody dare him speak to you like you are a piece of meat there for his pleasure.

DoraMilaje Thu 22-Feb-18 13:36:20

* Him getting angry at sex, definitely not a reason to break up a marriage*

I beg to differ.

UpSideDownBrain Thu 22-Feb-18 13:36:28

flowerbloom - the more I think about your post, the more appalled I become.
The idea that it is OP's job to understand why her DH is speaking to her like she is a piece of shit is just vile.

scrappymeerkat Thu 22-Feb-18 13:39:09

I'm not surprised your feelings have changed, mine would too.

I wouldn't ever be able to forgive or forget those comments. They're not the sort of things you'd even say in the heat of the moment, very cruel indeed.

Sorry op thanks

AthenasOwl Thu 22-Feb-18 13:42:19

I don't think I could ever move on from that. What an entitled bastard!
I have no practical advice for you except to say he'd never be having sex with me again if he was my husband.

PussGirl Thu 22-Feb-18 13:46:18

Very unkind of him. Yes he has apologised, but you can't unhear it.

When DS was a couple of weeks old, my STBXH saw me wearing just a pair of his boxers as they were more comfy than my little knickers with my C/S wound & said "God you look awful!"

I was so hurt. I challenged him about it a while later & he denied having said it & then said "well if I did say it I didn't mean it"

hmm

there were a lot of things he denied saying, or said he hadn't meant, or just said to be nasty because he was cross

all added up, with other stuff too, & I eventually left not soon enough

Nancy91 Thu 22-Feb-18 13:46:27

I think the way he is speaking to you is disgusting, but at the same time I don't think you should make a martyr of yourself by not looking after yourself. Your child doesn't care what clothes he is wearing, you can still look after yourself and spend on yourself and feel good about the way you look. Don't just give up on yourself just because you've got a child now.
Tell your husband you don't fancy him anymore because he is rude to you though.

BeHappyMummy Thu 22-Feb-18 13:50:34

you should pop back to the 50s. I think you'd like it there

Indeed!

OP, yes your DS won't care about having new clothes. You could spend that money on yourself but you do with it whatever you want, even ifbit's a short city break over getting your legs waxed.

Ladymadness Thu 22-Feb-18 13:55:32

Id tell him to fuck the fuck off ! Id ltb

Butteredparsn1ps Thu 22-Feb-18 13:55:56

I'm another one who would struggle to get past what he said and how he said it.

Buuutttt... it's not great if self-care goes out of the window when you have newborn and work full time. I have that T-shirt. You need to value and care for you, so that in turn you can care for your DS.

OK you don't have the time/inclination/cash to go to a salon, but what compromises could you make? What would make you feel more confident?

If you have always shaved - would you feel better for a bath and a shave? some new clothes, nice perfume? some exercise?

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