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BIL and SIL separating - will I have to take BIL's side?

10 replies

Clearlynotmyname · 22/02/2018 10:57

DH's brother and his wife have announced a trial separation. They have 4 DCs and various problems so all very stressful. BIL has told DH via text but says he doesn't want to talk about it.

For context, they were already together when I met DH over 10 years ago, so as far I was concerned they were equally part of the family. We don't live close and only see each other maybe twice a year, but I have always got on well with SIL, when we see each other we talk a lot about family stuff like how difficult MIL is, ie not just superficial. I get on perfectly fine with BIL, though our relationship has never really moved on beyond small talk.

I am quite worried about SIL. She isn't close to her family and I don't know if she has much of a local support network. WIBU to send her a supportive text? I sort of want her to know she still has an ally in the family.

DH says it's fine but I suspect if MIL finds out I will be accused of taking SIL's side. I'm not on anyone's side, it is a tough situation all round - I just feel that SIL has less support and anyway BIL would not really be comfortable with an emotive message from me. But I don't want to make a bad situation worse by causing a fallout with MIL.

OP posts:

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user1486956786 · 22/02/2018 11:04

Forget MIL. Be a grown up and don't take sides and be nice to everyone. I'm sure your sister in law would love to receive a message from you.

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FizzyGreenWater · 22/02/2018 11:09

NONE of MIL's business.

None at all. Push back hard on this one.

You are all family together, your children are cousins - and they'll hopefully be cousins in contact, still being family when MIL (and you too!) are long gone, one day. Make that crystal clear - there are no sides, they are ALL still family, the thing that everyone has to do now is to find a way to make this new family set-up work for everyone.

Get your DH to have a strong word with MIL if she even goes down that route, as she would be a food to. 'Sides? If that's the way she sees it, she's going to be the one shedding the tears when her grandchildrens' mother doesn't want to make the effort with her any more. If MIL is wise, she'll be making damn sure that she too treats SIL with respect and care'.

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FizzyGreenWater · 22/02/2018 11:09

fool not food!

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MyKingdomForBrie · 22/02/2018 11:10

Doesn’t need to be emotive, could just be an offer to meet for coffee or with the kids etc.

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foxychox · 22/02/2018 11:18

I'm in a very similar situation and have sent both SIL and BIL a supportive email. I've left the ball in SIL's court as to whether she wants to continue contact. I think your SIL would appreciate you reaching out.

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timeisnotaline · 22/02/2018 11:19

Reach out. Her children are your
Children’s cousins. Forget mil.

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MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/02/2018 11:27

Don't tell your MIL that you are talking to your SIL. It's nothing to do with her. You and your SIL have a relationship separate to yours with your MIL.

Your SIL and BIL may get back together; wouldn't it be better if you'd stayed friends?

In any case, your SIL sounds as though she could do with a good friend, doesn't she? I feel for her.

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weehedgehog · 22/02/2018 11:41

Having just gone through a separation/divorce, which was very very acrimonious as he had an affair during my third pregnancy/was abusive etc, I was very surprised how much the separation of my family has cut our both, wider extended families in two. From one day to the next, I have not only lost my husband but also my out laws, sister in law etc. It's heartbreaking not only for me, but also for the children. But..I have also gained extra support in some wider extended family on his side which have come firmly on my side, utterly shocked by the out laws behaviour. There is a ripple effect, and it has now affected the relationship between the outlaws and their siblings. And it didn't have to be like this. AT ALL. I guess what I'm trying to say is beware of the potential this has to completely split the family, and that not everything can be swept under the carpet. These divisions are long lasting.

I think it is REALLY important to act with integrity in a situation like this. I suggest you continue to remain in contact, have a coffee and help support for the kids. For Christ's sake - there are 4 kids involved. Most likely the poor woman will carry the burden of bringing them up.

I wish my out laws had put their grandkids first and tried to act with integrity.

And I cannot tell you how glad I was other relatives reached out to me.

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ohfourfoxache · 22/02/2018 12:16

It’s got nothing to do with MIL

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Clearlynotmyname · 22/02/2018 14:09

Thanks all for your advice. I know it has nothing to do with MIL and I wouldn't tell her, but I have a feeling SIL would tell BIL, who would definitely then complain to MIL. MIL wouldn't say anything to me but would then complain to DH. Nothing is out in the open in that family! It's all PA bullshit.

weehedgehog I'm sorry that you've been through such a horrible situation, I'm glad at least some of the family supported you.

We live at opposite ends of the country so it's unlikely I can see her for coffee or give much practical help but will send something short that hopefully strikes the right note.

foxy that's a good idea to message both. BIL might be taken aback and I can't imagine he'll reply but it might then upset him less if he finds out I've contacted SIL.