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i dont even know whats right any more

(187 Posts)
Feelingsolost Thu 22-Feb-18 09:38:35

hey. its the first time I have posted here so please be nice. I am a stepparent but not a real parent but I just need some help.

This is probably going to be a long post but I need to get it out there. My friends wont talk to me about him any more because they are sick of the way he treats me so I have no one.

He moved in with me after a week. I know that this was stupid but he was kicked out of his house and had no where to go. HE was supposed to move out but it all fell through so has been with me ever since. He has only paid £25 a week in bills and then in time he lost his job and fell into a depressive episode. then he paid nothing towards the house at all.

The arguments started pretty early on. HE would assume I was being jealous if I asked who a girl he knew was. If I wanted a cuddle I was being needy. If I wanted to have a rant about work, I acted like no one else ever worked in their life (Im a teacher so I get stressed!) It was like walking on eggshells. HE makes derogative jokes about me all of the time but if I make a joke back, im being serious and i really mean what I am saying.

At times its been terrible. He says the worst things about me. He has called me a fat, ugly c**t several times. (Im a size 10!) and then when i get angry or cry, he gets angry even more.

BUt when he is good,.. he is so good. and thats why I stay. I want us both to be so happy but its like I am fighting against everything. He uses his depression as an excuse. HE says this is the way he is and he is never going to change. I have to just accept that.

But the thing I really want to talk about is the last week, culminating in last night and the state I am in at the moment.

It was valentines day last week and i joked that he owed me a good present as he had missed our anniversary because he didnt have a job. I ordered him something from the internet but it didnt come in time. He got me my present and it was stuck in the sorting office until the next day. WHen it came, i felt bad because his hadnt, so I ordered him something else that cost like £100. I text him saying "Ive ordered you something else!!!" and he got so angry at me. Started shouting at how I never buy him anything he wants and I am useless and cant get anything right, then he threw my present in the bin because I was too upset to open it.

After that, he apologised and things were ok for a week - in fact i felt like I had him back. But I noticed a week ago he hasnt been taking his antidepressants so I was waiting for an argument. Last night was that night. I have been decorating the living room for three days solid and was about to get in the bath and hvae some me time when he called me and asked me to pick him up. I did, took him everywhere he needed to go, bought him food and we went home. We were on the sofa watching tv and he was rubbing my feet. When he stopped i tried to give him a shoulder rub but I was too hard and hurt him accidentally. He tried to hurt me back to "show me" but i pushed him off because he is really heavy handed. It was a genuine accident. I was just trying to do something nice. Anyway, he completely lost it and spat in my face. I was in complete shock and started crying. I had a cigarette in my hand so went in the kitchen to get away from him and he pushed the sofa at me, cutting one of my toes. Then he followed me around the house shouting at me. I didnt even really understand what I had done. this just kept getting worse and worse until he eventually snapped and said he didnt give a f*ck about me and didnt even know if he loved me any more. I have been up all night crying and I just feel alone.

I dont want to not be with him but he does this to me so much. he is like jekyll and hyde and when he is bad, he is so bad. He says so many terrible things to me. and he doesnt listen. I have to text him a bit later if I have anything to say and its breaking my heart. When he lost his job in october he sunk into depression and i made him go see a doctor. He met a 'mental health nurse' in a pub - i am dubious - because apparently she told him im his trigger. I have enough knowledge of the mental health system to know a professional wouldnt put the blame on someone else after 10 minutes in a pub. Especially not when he is exactly the same with his son.

He has all of these female friends and most of them i get on with but he also tries to make me feel jealous about them. tells me he would rather go out with them than me. he has more fun with them. HE constantly likes pictures of girls in their underwear online. He doesnt care that it bothers me.

I dont know what i want the outcome to be. I do love him. but i also wonder if I am just scared of being single again and having to go through all of this again at 34.

Mum4Fergus Thu 22-Feb-18 09:47:47

He's an abusive cunt. Throw him the fuck out.

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 09:48:22

Hi, sometimes love just isn’t enough. The relationship sounds unhealthy and distrucrive. This will only get worse as the years go on and I fear to think how it would be if you ever have dc together (I’m assuming fly don’t at the moment.) OP I think you need to call time on this relationship before it’s too late. There are other men out there who will treat you so much better than this. You can’t let him get away with calling you names like this and manipulating you. You need to respect yourself and tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and that you’re not standing for it. Don’t be afraid to tell him to leave. I think he probably thinks he can do what he wants and you’ll always be there. You need to be firm and don’t budge. Don’t you owe yourself more than this? flowers

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 09:48:39


PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 09:48:58


springydaff Thu 22-Feb-18 09:50:16

You are in a very abusive relationship.

As you have seen, abuse escalates, gets worse as time goes on. By that reckoning it won't be long before he kills you.

Please don't think he won't.

The him when he is hurting you /spitting in your face /calling you disgusting names is the real him. The him who is sweetness and light is not who he really is: he does all that to keep you sweet and to seduce you into taking the abuse.

Do the Freedom Programme. Do it as soon as possible. Go along to the group - I've linked you to finding a group near you.

This won't get better, it will get much worse - as you have seen. Get out before he seriously hurts you or kills you. Xx

Feelingsolost Thu 22-Feb-18 09:52:00

I know I am better off without him. I dont even know why I stay sometimes when he is being like this. I just feel like I have given so much and there are so many good times. I just want to go back to being happy with him. The spitting in my face threw me so much. He has never done anything like that before and I didnt know how to react. I just cried. he tells me I am weak and I am a victim but I dont think he realises how strong I have to be when I am with him.

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 09:52:38

Also he is abusive and harming your self esteem by saying and doing the things he’s going. Psychological abuse will only get worse. You’re only 34 not 84, you have plenty time to carve a new life for yourself. You are an intelligent woman with a great career and you’ll be okay. Please don’t feel you have to have this excuse for a man in your life. You think you love him now but this will turn to hate as the years go by and then you really will have wasted your life. I’ve seen this happen too many times. Do something now while it really isn’t too late to have a new life. If you don’t you’ll look back and regret it.

Want2beme Thu 22-Feb-18 09:54:12

He may have mental health problems, but he's damaging your mental health. You are suffering at the hands of this man for no good reason. he's not prepared to help himself,.so why should you continue to do so. Your life will always be miserable with him. Please tell him to leave and don't let him back in.

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 09:55:20

You will always have the good times and the memories OP and nobody can ever take that way from you. However things have changed and your partner has crossed serious boundaries and done things any can never be erased. This is your signal to get out. Make more memories with somebody new and deserving of you after taking some much needed time for yourself. Look at otnas you’re moving on into a new and exciting stage of yourself (a new chapter.)

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 09:55:42

thats can never*

Dillydallyontheway Thu 22-Feb-18 09:55:43

As well as being aggressive, he SPAT in your face! How fucking degrading! He needs throwing out just for that... disgusting behaviour. This will only get worse. He is testing you to see how much you will put up with

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 09:56:13

look at it as thought*

Feelingsolost Thu 22-Feb-18 09:56:34

I have a collection of a certain designers clothes. I used to wear them all the time and feel so confident. I wasnt scared of anything. But now, I just feel terrible all the time. LIke I am so fat and ugly and no one will want me. He tells me how horrible said clothes are and that I waste my money on them. I literally used to feel great, I was always the one that was overdressed in heels and silly clothes and now he makes me feel shit unless I am in trainers and plain clothes.

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 09:56:35

h* sorry typos my phone is rubbish!

ilovetvandchocolates Thu 22-Feb-18 09:56:38

Next time he leaves the house please find the strength to bag up all his belongings, call a locksmith and get him the hell out of your life. Easier said than done I know but you don't deserve this. Remember it's YOUR house and YOUR income, he needs to get back in the gutter where he belongs. Good luck x

hellsbellsmelons Thu 22-Feb-18 09:56:56

Call the police if you have to.
You need this man gone - URGENTLY!!
Please contact Womens Aid.
The fact you have put up with this shite is very worrying indeed.
Womens Aid can help you get him out and can help you with future relationships, spotting red flags, setting boundaries etc....
Call them now 0808 2000 247
You will need to try a few times to get through.
Stop doing this to yourself.
You deserve so much better.
Listen to your friends in future and get them back on side.
Tell them you are ending it and need their support.
This is full on, nasty abuse.
Get him gone!!!

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 09:59:31

OP he is an abuser and a manipulator. He isn’t capable of love and will try every trick in the book if he feels threatened. Be prepared for ever emotion under the sun from him if you leave him as he will do anything to get his own way. He is belittling you and destroying your self esteem to keep you under his control. He knows you’ll easily meet somebody else and is projecting his insecurities on to you. Please LEAVE him. He has mental issues and you can fix him.

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 09:59:48


Feelingsolost Thu 22-Feb-18 10:00:40

He told me last night he was finished with me anyway, That he doesnt know if he loves me any more and that the has been unhappy with me since the beginning. It might all be out of my hands.

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 10:00:43

Do you have any family/friends who can support you?

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 10:01:41

No OP she is bluffing and playing mind games. He is wanting to put dangling on a string. Please don’t play into his hands and response that you’re worth.

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 10:02:01

realise that you’re worth so much more*

PasstheStarmix Thu 22-Feb-18 10:02:12


Feelingsolost Thu 22-Feb-18 10:02:26

I am not really close with my family. we get on but I cant talk to them about it. When i split up with my ex, my family loved him and blamed me for leaving him, even though I was unhappy.

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