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Does anyone feel the relationship board is bad for you?

(34 Posts)
bitzy12 Thu 22-Feb-18 08:08:04

I'm always on here, especially lately as I'm pregnant and have been very very ill. Mumsnet has helped me pass the time and certain threads on here have really got me through.

But I always seem to find myself lurking on the relationship ones and I think it might be bad for my marriage.

Reading what other people's partners get up to is awful, I do post on some and offer my advice and experience if necessary but it always gets me thinking. I've got no reason not to trust my dh but just lately I've been looking for reasons not to trust him and I just don't know why.

When he's not at work he's with me. He's been an absolute godsend while I've been ill but over the last week or so....I dunno.

It's just little things like last night he said he was planning on doing some extra work on top of his usual job for someone....I immediately thought it was all lie and there was someone else....why I thought this I have no idea. Then he showed me the call of the person that rang him (I think I must of acted a little bit off) and then I thought why are you showing me that? Why are you proving it to me?

He has 2 phones at the minute, one for work which his boss gave him. Again, no reason really to be suspicious. He puts the work one down when he comes in and doesn't pick it up again until the morning. He's in the process of getting rid of his personal phone and just using the work one for both as his boss said that was fine. But it still makes me think. He always says I can look at his phone if I want, I know the passcode too. He's very open with that. But there are times when I've asked to use it and he lets me but has to watch me use it. He's always been quite cagey like that but I honestly don't think he's up to anything. If anything he maybe watches porn but I don't necessarily have a problem with that.

There just been other little comments and things that have made me think he's up to something but it's all down to me and the fact that I'm one emotional pregnant lady that's over thinking everything and I really don't think mumsnet helps at times. You see other people's situations and think 'what if my dh is doing that'

I just create things in my head then assume them to be real. This is all pregnancy related as I never really felt this before and like I say, I've spent some time in hospital over the last few weeks due to me being very ill. Thankfully baby is fine and I'm on the mend. But I still feel shit and very unsexy.

Oh I don't know, I just feel something isn't right and I can't put my finger on it but I have absolutely no evidence he's cheating or doing anything he shouldn't. He's always home or working. We just maybe aren't as close as we usually are at the minute and I'm feeling it more with my hormones.

I don't think there's any sort of main point to this post's just been bugging me for the last week or so x

BrownTurkey Thu 22-Feb-18 08:11:19

Sometimes you need to step away from things, but doesn't mean the thing itself is wrong or bad. Like not reading your community Facebook page if you are anxious about crime, or not reading the newspaper if politics is making you depressed. Good luck with your pregnancy ☺️

Fruitcocktail6 Thu 22-Feb-18 08:13:27

It will do you good to stop reading them. I am pregnant but avoiding the preganacy board as I find reading about other people's problems, pregnancy loss or awful birth really makes me worry.

The relationship board can leave you feeling like wow, all men are cheats or abusive bastards. But people only post on that board for help, remember there are lots of people in happy relationships who don't need to post!

AlwaysPondering Thu 22-Feb-18 08:17:32

Yes I have felt this too and mostly stay away from that section.

Fosterdog123 Thu 22-Feb-18 08:17:48

No I don't think the relationship board is bad. I think it's eye-opening, largely supportive and an invaluable resource.

There's no way of knowing what's happening in your relationship right now. You could absolutely be over-thinking things and putting 2 & 2 together and coming up with 5. Conversely, your instincts could be tingling because something really is adrift. Keep talking on here if you think it's useful for you to have a sounding board though.

Inexperiencedchick Thu 22-Feb-18 08:20:30

Agree with PPs and think better not to read all the time.

And I do feel negative towards men after relationship board.
But I also learnt a lot.

Good luck with pregnancy.

WizardOfToss Thu 22-Feb-18 08:23:08

I think that maybe it can be, but then again, if you’re drawn to reading it, there may be a reason - something in you - that’s looking for advice.

Last year I felt unsettled and suspicious about DH, and told myself I’d been spending too much time on MN and was imagining things.

I wasn’t sad. The support I got here was great though, and really helped me.

I hope all is ok with you flowers

SandyY2K Thu 22-Feb-18 08:23:19

I think I understand what you're saying. I never knew how much cheating and how devious people could be in life.

It's not just the relationship board...but forums like this in general.

I also used to think married women didn't cheat to the same degree as married men...not true at all. I've seen situations where they fall pregnant and pass the child off as their husbands.

That's why I'm always objective and not so quick to blame the many do on here.

I also shake my head when people say he/she has no time to cheat. As one man said who used to drop his wife to work and pick her up. Except once he dropped her..some days she waited till he drove off and the OM came to pick her up and off they went and she returned in time for pick up.

I could easily say I was off to work and go could my DH.

I do get pessimistic at times..but have to have faith and trust or it makes it hard to be close to anyone.

Babyg1995 Thu 22-Feb-18 09:09:06

I don't think it's bad because some people really havd no whare to turn apart from strangers on the internet. But I do agree if you read Alot of threads it can effect You and your relationship I get like that sometines if I read Alot of the cheating stuff.

Dissimilitude Thu 22-Feb-18 09:13:46

There’s definitely some sample bias. The kind of people who post here are disproportionately likely to have had or are having negative relationship experiences, almost by definition.

As a previous poster said, that doesn’t detract from the forum as a source of support for many. Just have to keep things in perspective.

Bedraggledmumoftwo Thu 22-Feb-18 09:27:08

I used to occasionally read the relationships boards but never thought I would actually be in that situation as I was 1000% certain my dh would never cheat. So it was more of a fascination like car crash TV. But the day I discovered he would and had and was it was because I posted on aibu about something I thought was innocuous and the ladies on MN said he was cheating... And they were right. The good thing about having spent too much time here is that I immediately set about gathering evidence, getting my ducks in a row, and knew what to do next, however horrific the reality.

bitzy12 Thu 22-Feb-18 09:40:07

Oh I'm not judging anyone who posts on here, I think forums are great for advice but especially relationship advice. I've posted numerous times before and heard not what I wanted to hear but the truth in all honestly which is why they are great.

I just think I maybe just need to take some time away from it and also talk to dh to be honest. Just about my little niggles that aren't really real. Who knows he might be feeling it too and I wouldn't blame him as we've had a tough time.

Usually I send him love you texts etc through the day which I haven't been doing lately as I've had my 'niggles' but he is still ringing me once or twice a day to chat and find out how I am.

Thanks everyone, I'm glad I'm not necessarily going crazy x

isthismylifenow Thu 22-Feb-18 09:46:26

Even though I have posted a lot of that thread, and I have received amazing support there, even I have to step away from it sometimes.

Most of the time, posters pick out a red flag straight away, and dare I say it, a lot of the time are correct.

That said, the posters who are posting there, have some reason for doing so, and are possibly just posting to clear their mind, get things off their chest....

Perhaps just try avoid the threads for now, you are clearly under more stress than normal at the moment, and hormones are ridiculous things as we know a lot of the time.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy OP.

Cricrichan Thu 22-Feb-18 10:43:27

There are lots of brilliant relationships around, buy obviously they don't post their problems on mumsnet.

Your jealous and suspicious behaviour is one of the things that had driven innocent me away from dh. If there is no trust, there's no relationship in my opinion.

bitzy12 Thu 22-Feb-18 10:50:41

@Cricrichan I'm not saying I don't trust him, I haven't said that and I do. I have no reason not too. It's myself that I'm worried about and the way I'm feeling at the min, not dh and what he's up to. I've tried to get that point across in my post

pebkac Thu 22-Feb-18 10:55:00

Well, any entity that focuses on the negative (necessarily!) is going to be a downer. Few come here to start threads about how great things are. Who wants them Pollyannas? grin

However, I would've flailed at conceiving the concepts of cocklodger, gaslighting, mentionitis, mental load/wifework, the script, future-faking without this board (not all apply to my life).
As a mother with limited support resources IRL, It's given me more arrows in my quiver when I stand up for myself.

Keep a critical eye on applying anything you see to your own life though, e.g. there's both reasonable reason and use re: the second phone, and you see that. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy flowers

Cricrichan Thu 22-Feb-18 10:58:01

Basically, anyone could cheat and would have the opportunity to cheat. You hear all sorts. But unless there's something really suspicious about their behaviour then you have to trust them or you'll drive yourself mad (and them away).

Branleuse Thu 22-Feb-18 11:01:26

yeah, sometimes ive read the board too much and it fucks with my head. I start thinking that all our minor flaws are red flags, and that every time we have a slight argument i analyse who is potentially abusive. It doesnt feel healthy or realistic

Im actually a lot happier in general the more I avoid reading about other peoples opinions, so im not sure why i spend so much time on facebook and mumsnet

user1499786242 Thu 22-Feb-18 11:04:07

Are you me??
I was actually thinking this today
In the last few days I've accused my partner of having an affair because he went to the pub for 45 mins... I can see the pub from the bedroom window..
I made him tell me exactly who was there etc
And because he has a new weights bench I'm convinced it's because there's another woman

And I'm pregnant

And it's only since joining mumsnet 🙈 I am addicted to it I swear!

yetmorecrap Thu 22-Feb-18 11:40:35

I think that it can make you more 'alert' yes to behaviour patterns, but to be honest i wish i had been in the past. , I think you can take from it what you want, but it is silly become suspicious of every move unless there are other factors at play that somehow don't quite add up.. It is very easy though in general behaviour to think 'all people are like this' , when they really are not and I find the board very good at highlighting domestic situations (not just cheating etc) that are really beyond a joke but have become normalised in that persons life.

ginch Thu 22-Feb-18 11:42:59

Sometimes it makes me realise how lucky I am to have had such a long and happy marriage. But sometimes I think if MN had been around years ago I would definitely have been told to LTB on occasion.

It's made me more cynical, that's for sure.

NotUmbongoUnchained Thu 22-Feb-18 11:45:15

Haha my husband always knows when I’ve been on MN because I hate him for a good hour after.

PNGirl Thu 22-Feb-18 11:53:58

Not personally but I see the same posters posting on the same "type" of thread over and over. I do wonder if, in the guise of giving advice, what they are actually doing is taking the opportunity to go over and over their own experiences. Not sure how healthy this is in the long run.

Historicallyinaccurate Thu 22-Feb-18 12:08:35

Definitely. But if I'd read it many years ago I wouldn't have put up with so much shit. And would probably be in a happier relationship right now.

sourgrapes28 Thu 22-Feb-18 12:35:56

I've never been so glad to see a post in my life. Currently thinking the same as you op, think I need to avoid it for my own sake. I understand it's a wonderful place for advice and support if you need it but I now find myself questioning oh actions a lot ( I do end up quickly realising I'm being mental and see sense ) and tbh he must be getting pissed off with my moods even though he has the patience of a saint.

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