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Still hung up on her... advice and commiseration please

(15 Posts)
faithinthesound Thu 22-Feb-18 05:33:28

I (33F) met R (27F) late last year while I was interning at her workplace. Her very religious workplace. It wasn’t love at first sight or anything. Actually I was crushing on another woman, A, who worked there. A is more of an in-your-face sort of attractive than R, but where R is the sweetest sweetie ever, A is kind of toxic...

Anyway. Once I found out the truth about A I sort of commiserated about it with R. Come to find out she’s so effing sweet about it, so kind... and now she knows I like girls.

A few weeks later I’m done with my internship and I screw my courage to the sticking place or whatever and I ask R if she wants to go get coffee with me sometime. Long story short she says yes. But the problem is this: because of the nature of her job she can’t come out, and even though my internship is over I’m still being called in to do work here and there so I’m seeing her all the time.

We start sneaking around. In my heart I know it’s not going to work out. She can’t come out, and I can’t go back in, so to speak. And I’m not the kind of person who is going to push her to come out if she’s not ready. So after a month or so we end things.

Two months have passed and I’m not coping. I miss her every day, and I realize that we only knew each other such a short time and were together for an even shorter time but she just... captivated me.

Then last week I got a call that they wanted me to do some ongoing work there, at least weekly, for the rest of the year. I can’t turn it down because the fact that they want me back is huge for my resume and career. But it means seeing R again.

Walk in the first day back and I see her and I just want to curl up on the floor and sob. She looks SO good, better than I remember even, and she’s just as sweet as ever.

We talk. It transpires that both of us are still feeling it, feeling it bad, but the fundamental problem hasn’t changed: she can’t come out.

So now I find myself seriously considering agreeing to be her secret, just because it would mean I get to be with her.

I’ve always said I’d never be anyone’s secret... but I think maybe R might be worth it. Am I just kidding myself?

ClaryFray Thu 22-Feb-18 06:36:42

It depends on how you feel you could do it. You could for a short while and see if she feels more comfortable.

diodati Thu 22-Feb-18 07:17:33

Go for the "secret"! Good luck and happiness to you both.

Elementally Thu 22-Feb-18 07:47:06

Oh God, I'd have to give it a go. Far too difficult to ignore those feelings and she feels the same.

PaperdollCartoon Thu 22-Feb-18 07:51:17

I think you have to try if you feel that way about her, you never know she might feel able to come out in the future if she’s in a stable relationship. Or maybe not, but I think it’s worth giving love a go.

BrutusMcDogface Thu 22-Feb-18 07:56:24

Just give it a go! What have you got to lose, really?

Angelf1sh Thu 22-Feb-18 08:19:40

Honestly, I really wouldn’t. You’re going to end up hating yourself. Assuming she’s so religious she will never come out, you’ll never be a proper couple. You’ll resent that and resent her. Will she end up having to date a man for appearances do you think? What will happen to you then?

Maybe other pps are right and she’d come to see the error of hiding such an important part of her life, but I genuinely don’t see this working out for you. Most closeted relationships don’t end happily for anyone. You swore you’d never be someone’s secret for good reasons and they won’t just vanish because you really like her.

In your position I’d take the hit now and get the pain over with whilst it won’t be too bad. If you try a secret relationship I think the pain you’ll have in a year or two will be much worse.

faithinthesound Thu 22-Feb-18 08:21:33

She's not especially religious herself. It's her workplace--and, I think, her parents.

I think if it were just about anyone else, I wouldn't even be considering it, but there's just something about her that I can't quite quit. It's ridiculous, I know.

Shoxfordian Thu 22-Feb-18 08:36:29

Is it just at work she can't come out or with her friends and family as well? Am guessing it'd be tricky with her parents too..

I think you'd end up dissatisfied and unhappy. It would be difficult to be a real couple; doing stuff together, eventually living together etc.

It's her decision if she wants to come out but the workplace is still employing you- knowing you're gay?- so it may be less of an issue than she thinks.

I don't think you shld get close to her again though, be polite, but don't engage too much.

faithinthesound Thu 22-Feb-18 08:45:13

It's all a rich tapestry of "If I tell anyone, it could get back to people I don't want knowing". She actually quoted the PLL theme to me - "two can keep a secret if one of them is dead" lol. She's paranoid about it getting back to either her bosses or her parents.

I mean some of them know I'm gay? I don't know if the ones in charge of the hiring know. It's not something I've ever brought up with them. Regardless, I'm an "independent contractor" in a sense. I'm brought in once a week to teach two very specific things, and never without supervision. R, on the other hand, is a full time teacher.

HelgasFlowers Thu 22-Feb-18 09:07:39

I think on the one hand it could be incredibly stressful for you.

However, a great aunt lived with her ‘best friend’ for over 70 years. They always posed it as they didn’t need men, just careers and it was convenient. But we all knew they were each others life partners, it didn’t matter a jot and we respected their decision to never discuss the matter. I know it’s not quite the same but what I’m saying, I suppose, is where there’s a will.

faithinthesound Thu 22-Feb-18 09:10:08

It's late here, and I'm laying here thinking about how much I wish she was here with me.

I don't want to live like this... without her on the other side of the bed.

I think I'm gonna go for it.

Angelf1sh Thu 22-Feb-18 10:33:14

Good luck op, I hope it works out well for you.

Cricrichan Thu 22-Feb-18 10:39:28

What job is it that you can't come out?

diodati Tue 27-Feb-18 09:17:07

Hope it all works out! thanks

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