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Just need to vent about wanker stbx

(20 Posts)
WonkyCastle Wed 21-Feb-18 20:44:01

Stbx is being a wanker.

We separated last summer, he is refusing to leave the house. He works (v high earner) I stay at home with 3 disabled children.

He is farting about trying to prove what a great hands on dad he is. If he ever had been, then maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation now, but he is now pulling out all the stops to prove how committed he is (it will do nothing to change my mind, and he knows this, but I expect he thinks he can prove that splitting up is not “his fault” if the dc remember him being so cool and hands on)

He has promised ds he will go along as parent helper on his next school trip. Except he hasn’t contacted the school about volunteering (this morning he didn’t even know when the trip is taking place- it’s next week hmm ), I think he thinks it’s some kind of free for all join in if you want to thing, rather than chosen and organised parent volunteers.

Dd2 is upset by it all, as (as she pointed out this morning) he never bothered to go along for any of hers.

This morning he tried to make out it’s because he didn’t know when any of the trips were (bollocks, as I always told him), and when that failed, then tried to shift the blame by saying he never received any school emails when dd2 was younger. He didn’t, because he got fed up with the school spamming (his word) him with info, so he took himself off the email distribution. I reminded him about this.

He has come home this evening, and, having had the day to think about it all, his new reason, as told to dd2,is that he never went along because dd2 never asked him to.

I am sick of him always shifting the blame. He can’t just say sorry to dd2, I was a bit crap, I’m trying to do better now. He had to make it her fault instead.

The dc don’t know we are divorcing, btw, as he doesn’t want them to know before we have a way forward sorted out (while refusing to actually sort anything out at all). I kind of agree with the reasoning - the dc all have ASD, and the one thing they will need to know is the plan moving forward, but it leaves them open to this kind of manipulative bullshit, where eg dd2 can’t understand why he seems to prefer ds to her (her words - this is how his current actions are making her feel), and I can’t fully explain why he is suddenly trying to be perfect Disney dad when he hasn’t ever bothered before.

It’s all a bit shit.

Juststopit Wed 21-Feb-18 20:47:55

Your right. He is shit. My kids are also subjected to a Disney Dad while I do the real day to day parenting. But they love and respect me and I expect yours do too. As they grow older they will realise.
It must be so hard living with him while you are planning to divorce. Hats off to you for putting up with that.

WonkyCastle Wed 21-Feb-18 20:57:13

I don’t have a choice but to put up with living together!

He refuses to move out, and is financially controlling so I don’t have the money to do so.

He is making it all so much harder for the dc, as now when we do finally live separately, they will miss him more. Before I told him I wanted a divorce, he would leave for work before 5eybwere awake in the mornings, and minimum of 3 nights out of 5 be back long after they went to bed. Barely engaged with them at weekends - no involvement in homework, music practice, parties, all the reality of weekends with young dc. Now he is here until they leave for school, and is home more often then not to see them at bedtime. He is making their new normal having a hands on dad, knowing all the while it can’t continue this way.

It’s practically emotional abuse, tbh.

Juststopit Wed 21-Feb-18 20:59:14

Is there any family or friends who could support you? Have you checked what benefits you are entitled to? He sounds emotionally and financially controlling. I m so sorry you have to live like this.

WonkyCastle Wed 21-Feb-18 21:05:42

I get emotional support from friends.

No family nearby - I have family who would help, but I can’t move in with them as they are miles away from dc’s schools, and in the wrong county (dd1 has a Statement, and is at SN school. I cannot move out of county as it would jeopardise her place, which was long fought for and hard won)

He is both financially and emotionally controlling (but denies this, obviously hmm)

WonkyCastle Wed 21-Feb-18 22:30:20

I can’t see how I’m going to get through the next however many months with him pulling shit like this all the time.

It’s relentless.

He is awful to dd1 (severe ASD and learning difficulties) and has physically hurt her more than once. Her school have referred to SS, as dd1 disclosed to them. As are being useless, and don’t seem to be treating it particularly seriously.

Dd2 is regularly in bits over how he treats her and dd1 differently from ds.

I hate the example ds is being given, but can do little to counteract it. Every time I try, I am undermined by stbx.

I am stuck here, and the dc are suffering.

Mxyzptlk Wed 21-Feb-18 22:36:56

Please contact Women's Aid and check out what benefits you can get, if you leave. Also how to get money from your stbex.

This is abuse of your DCs and shouldn't be allowed to go on.

Bekabeech Wed 21-Feb-18 22:52:50

I would contact Women's Aid.
I would also consider contacting SS yourself.
I would also tell the children that you and their father are separating and you want a divorce.
You should also get a very good lawyer. There is a very good chance you can get him out of the house and get it as part of the divorce. Are you claiming DLA? If you need help in making claims etc. The people on the SN boards can help.

He is just being more manipulative and abusive - not being a great Dad.

WonkyCastle Wed 21-Feb-18 23:04:06

I have a lawyer.

No, he isn’t being a great dad, but the dc don’t see it that way. They are young, and vulnerable. They see a dad who is finally around, who is now interested, who is doing all the fun stuff.

Despite all his manipulations, they love him. He undermines my every attempt at discipline/routine - just one more game/story/chocolate/whatever, offers to take over in the morn8ngs when I’m chivvying ds along to ge5 dressed and ready, then takes longer and makes us all late, and leaves me to pick up 5he pieces while he waltzes off to work.

Yes, it’s manipulative and abusive, but that’s not how a 5 year old sees it.

WonkyCastle Wed 21-Feb-18 23:09:39

Oh, and I have a meeting with SS week after next.

I’m just worried that the stuff with dd1 will get buried amongst the general family assesssment they are carrying out - I asked for family assessment due to change in circumstances after h & I seaparated.

SuperTimbs Wed 21-Feb-18 23:11:15

He sounds vile. Really sorry you're having to deal with this. As PPs have said, do contact Women's Aid. As DCs get older, they'll see through the Disney facade!

Graphista Wed 21-Feb-18 23:16:27

You need a BETTER lawyer. Contact women's aid and

They are both likely to be able to help you get him out which is what you and the DC need.

You can also claim benefits as a single mum if you are separated but still living together which they can also advise on.

Mxyzptlk Wed 21-Feb-18 23:22:49

The DC are not enjoying it, though, going by your description.

WonkyCastle Wed 21-Feb-18 23:32:57

The dc enjoy the fun bits.

The rule relaxing, staying up pt bedtime, extra pudding and games bits.

They don’t enjoy being reminded of the rules (by me), getting up the next morning (usually me), being pulled back in line (by me) when they are overtired, overexcited, hyped, etc.

Dd2 is totally caught in the middle - old enough to see some of what is going on but doesn’t understand it. Brave enough to try to call her dad out, and want an explanation, but not canny enough to spot his manipulations and cant even begin to deal with them.

Lawyer is good, but everything is dragging.

WonkyCastle Thu 22-Feb-18 07:21:11

This morning, for the first time in months, he has gone out to work before I got the children up.

Having kept them up late last night (ds - age 5 - in bed after 8.30pm, which is too late for him, dd2 still up at 9.30pm) he wouldn’t go without saying goodbye to them and waking them up.

It’s all about what he wants, not what is good for the dc.

category12 Thu 22-Feb-18 07:43:11

I think you have to start moving forward with the divorce and explain that you are to the dc.

WonkyCastle Thu 22-Feb-18 08:44:01

I am moving on with the divorce, but telling the dc is trickier.

They are all autistic. The one thing they need is routine, certainty, and a plan.

I can explain what divorce means, but I wouldn’t be able to get them to understand why what should be happening (separate houses, mum and dad not living together anymore) isn’t happening, and more importantly I can tell them when it will happen.

Dd1 (severe ASD) wouldn’t cope at all, and the resulting emotional upheaval would almost certainly lead to explosive outbursts and people getting hurt.

Mxyzptlk Thu 22-Feb-18 11:43:27

You're definitely right about not telling them until you can be clear about what is to happen.
Try to get that sorted out as soon as you can and don't let your pathetic selfish stbx rule your lives for any longer than you can help.

As you say, the DC enjoy some bits, but you know it's not the best for them overall.

Mxyzptlk Thu 22-Feb-18 11:47:20

There is a very good chance you can get him out of the house and get it as part of the divorce.

Check this out with your lawyer.

angry on your behalf, with the despicable attitude of that man.

Rosiie Thu 22-Feb-18 12:06:45

Hi Wonkycastle

I'm in the same situation as you, currently living with STBEXH and I also have three DC.
I'm a SAHM and have been for 5 years. I'm trying to get things sorted first before I tell him about the divorce, I'm starting from scratch so need to get a license, car, job and money before I tell him I'm leaving.

Because I know if I tell him I'm leaving now he will just make things hard for me and I won't be able to sort out anything.

Maybe you should just start focusing on yourself and sort out the things you need instead of waiting for him to move out?

So sorry you're going through thisthanks, I know it's hard.

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