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Angry at having to accept family estrangement is permanent.

(30 Posts)
EmergingFromThePitOfDespair Wed 21-Feb-18 17:43:48

I have to accept that I will never see my mother, stepfather, bio father, siblings and nephews and nieces again. I have to accept I am alone in the world with an emotionally constipated H. I have to accept that my children have no relatives that care about them and I have no one to help out with them in a crisis.

I am angry. Why me? Why do I have to accept this on top of the other shit I've had to deal with in my life?

There is no going back. The truth (mine) is out now and will never be forgiven although its me that should have been the one to forgive.

I know the serenity prayer but its so hard to put into practice over something so massive.

I don't need advice on the situation itself just how to accept it?

mixture Wed 21-Feb-18 17:51:43

It's hard to "accept", sometimes one has to simply live with it. Your children will have each other, obviously. You will have your children and your friends. Maybe it can help writing about it (to yourself, to your children, or a book) or painting about it (art, painting, sketching)?

Hissy Wed 21-Feb-18 18:01:10

Better nobody in our lives than nasty people who will hurt us/our loved ones

I know what you feel, it really hurts and makes us so very angry. But that does fade, it really does

EmergingFromThePitOfDespair Wed 21-Feb-18 18:25:41

I don't know Hissy. This has been going on for a few years now. I suppose I hoped we could reach a truce but there's no way that will happen now and it wouldn't be without conditions anyway so I don't want one.

I suppose the anger comes from knowing that I'm not missed and the whole injustice that I have been perceived as being in the wrong. It's eaten me up enough to have a big impact on my physical health and they're really not worth that.

I wish i could create something positive out of it Mixture but I'm crap at pretty much everything.

I just want closure. Maybe that's just American claptrap!

Hissy Wed 21-Feb-18 18:30:28

They will never be the family you need them to be

It’s genuinely not you, it’s them.

Please forgive yourself for taking the decision to protect your family, you’ve don’t what’s right.

FWIW, my M tells everyone how devastated she is that I’m not in her life...

Not enough though apparently to apologise to me for turning up at my house terrorising me and my dc... or apologising - or even acknowledging tbh - that she moved away but kept all the details from me. Only me mind, everyone else knew the ins and outs...

And people still speak to her...

PollyPotterer1 Thu 22-Feb-18 00:47:47

Lots of families have fall outs and make up again, I hope that will be the case for you OP

If it's not I think you just have to endure it and hope that these feelings fade with time flowers

Stillme1 Thu 22-Feb-18 00:55:40

I was on one side of a family split. I was not given the choice. I was just not contacted although it was other people who had had a dispute.
Eventually I was re-contacted and I thought it was nice but soon their true character showed through exactly as expected from historic experiences.
I was devastated. I thought I had a relative and friend. I live and learn

Stillme1 Thu 22-Feb-18 00:57:59

Sorry pressed the button too soon.
It is sad and makes us feel lonely but perhaps the attitude should be that we could be better off without certain people.
There are very few, if any, families who are like the Christmas adverts

MummyLadybird Sat 24-Feb-18 22:44:36

I have been estranged from my brother and sister including her children (my niece and nephew) for 5 years now. I hoped in the first 6 months to a year that we would call a truce but never happened.

Some very nasty things were said between us, if we ever reconnected in future, then things will never be the same. I feel sad for my dd and my next child, that they have an aunt, uncle and cousins they have never met but hope I can surround them with enough love, that it won't affect them.

The grieving gets a bit easier with time flowers, although I still think of mine on birthdays and special occasions.

Prettypearl Sun 25-Feb-18 01:29:47

I feel for you, i am in a similar situation. It has been almost 10 years since I saw my family and it has not gotten easier. Unlike you I was to blame for most of it, I was going through a really tough time and wasnt the nicest person, felt justified at the time. I wouldn't have accepted conditions at the time either but hindsight is different.

I don't think about them as much anymore which is good but when I do it feels as painful now and its too late to do anything about it now, I think we would be strangers now. You just have to live a different life now, one without them in it..

As DC have gotten older they have ask about my parents and siblings but I just tell them they live very far away.

Yellowshadeofgreen Sun 25-Feb-18 01:40:12

My God OP I just came on to more or less as the same. You are definitely not alone you poor, poor thing.

We are in the middle of mediation and my mental health is getting worse by the day so I am thinking of walking away. Like you the injustice of it all is eating me up. I just can’t change them though, I’ve used every last ounce of emotional energy trying and you are the same. It is heartbreaking though. flowers

MummyLadybird Sun 25-Feb-18 08:27:00

I agree with Pretty Pearl, they become strangers after a while. I met with my sister 3 years ago for lunch but even though it looked like her, I felt she was a stranger sitting opposite me. Nothing came of it. I think after a few years, the window of opportunity to get things resolved closes.

I'll be honest, there had been times I've been upset about it but you can't force someone to be in your life, even if they are family.

If my children ever ask me why we don't see them, when their older, I'll probably be honest and tell them.

Aussiebean Sun 25-Feb-18 08:45:02

I have been there. The anger. Anger at my Mum, the unfairness of it all and the why me?

Eventually just realised that I was so tired of being angry. It took up energy I could have used elsewhere. Took away from my life and she wasn’t worth that amount of thought and energy.

It took a long time but worth it when you do

flowers

picklemepopcorn Sun 25-Feb-18 08:46:54

Try and remember it is your choice. Don't feel powerless. There was a rubbish situation, there were some rubbish choices. You are taking the least worse option of those rubbish choices.

If you take control of the situation and the choices you have made, you will feel better. It's ok to be angry. The other thing that helps, is recognising that people are all doing what they can within the limits of their own situation. It's pants, but some people are so afraid of repercussions that they sacrifice their relationship with someone like you for the sake of keeping the peace in another area of their life. They aren't bad or malicious, just weak.

You however, are strong.

SmokedPaprika Sun 25-Feb-18 08:59:06

It's very hard to accept that the end of the road has come. Even given 100 times to explain your position, they will never move from their own. But it is what it is - they have their track to follow, you have yours. But every time in the future when you need to discuss trust, respect, decency, loyalty with your DC, you know you have walked the walk as well as talked the talk.
It does get better, if that's the right word, I can go days now without thinking about them. Moving 60 miles away seems to have helped! But that's maybe a bit drastic and impossible!
Start working on your own network and safety net. Slowly cultivate friendships, see people you wouldn't have previously considered, go places you never would have. Build your bubble and live quietly and well in it.

Yellowshadeofgreen Sun 25-Feb-18 10:15:38

Smokes that is very useful. I am not the OP but thanks.

Bluetrews25 Sun 25-Feb-18 17:49:23

It sounds like they are victim blaming by cutting you out. Families often take the'easy' route and cut off the one they should be supporting, especially when abuse has been reported.
Some of them may come around in time if they realise the truth and/or the perpetrator is no longer breathing around.
As PP has suggested, take time to build your new family-of-choice.
Very hard for you, on top of the original issues.
flowers

LemonShark Sun 25-Feb-18 17:51:15

Time OP, that's all.

Check out Stand Alone. I think you'll find them very helpful.

Wingingit321 Sun 25-Feb-18 17:55:35

I hear you. It hurts, feeling alone hurts but in time you’ll build your own family. Family isn’t always blood. My kids love our close friends and it’s better to not have people in your life who hurt you. Be gentle with yourself

FreeNiki Sun 25-Feb-18 17:59:14

I am that when our mother dies my sister will say the same about me. That I am a bitch who never sees her or her dc.

The thing is she cannot see that she has been an abusive nasty bully to me all my life and her dh of late who is divorcing her.

It's rarely as simple as one person says it is.

Northernparent68 Sun 25-Feb-18 20:21:22

I m sorry for what you ve been through, I would nt feel bad for your children. They won’t miss what they have never had.

ScruffbagsRUs Sun 25-Feb-18 22:32:01

But you can turn this around to your advantage OP. You CAN build your own family of your newly made friends and your own wee family of your DH and DC.

Show your estranged family that you CAN do this life without them. Make THEM feel that you no longer need them. Most families thrive on being needed, and it can hurt them big time, when they realise that you no longer need them to be in your life. That is like a big slap in the face for them, and it's their wake-up call to realise that one less person in the family isn't dependent on them any more, for anything.

FWIW, I'm in the same boat as yourself. I'm being blamed for being the nasty one, when I absolutely was nothing but decent to all my family. I wasn't going to tell them about my impending move (not that I'd had time to even fart, never mind telling people unless I actually saw them whilst shopping), but decided to tell the one person who saw the dysfunctional behaviour of the rest of the family, and the only one I'd trusted.

Now I've moved 400 miles away and have basically shown them that I WILL do this adult thing by myself. I moved because I was doing what was best for my DC, and when I do the best thing for my kids, no-one else's opinion matters. I have to put my DC first at all times, and if it hurts people, then they really don't seem to understand what family is.

I've had my mum and younger brother saying that I'm not welcome in the family, that I won't see mum again before she dies and we won't be welcome at her funeral. When put in contrast with what the both of them had put me through emotionally and mentally, I can't, for the life of me, begin to really care about any of that. She sat and called me a bitch, prick and an idiot to my son, who did the right thing, got up and left, and told her exactly why.

Now she's playing the old "Woe is me, I'll never see my grandkids again" card. Well, she was never once, in the last 5 years, interested in them enough to even pick up the phone and asked how they were, so why would I think she's suddenly going to be interested in them now?

Do I regret moving? Absolutely not. Will I regret not making up with mum? Nope. I tried, but she just wouldn't open up about her issues with me, even though I encouraged her to do so, so that we could clear the air somewhat. She didn't open up about her supposed issues because if she even had any, it would mean facing up to the real person she was, as opposed to the person she still likes to portray herself to be.

So op, there's no doubt from what you've said that you can do this by yourself. There's no doubt that, if you've tried your best with them, been decent to them, been there for them etc, and they're treating you like crap, then your best bet is to stay estranged.

Being away from toxic people like your family, will be the making of you. Strive to be good to others. Strive to do the best for your DC regardless of what other people's opinion of you may be. Don't retaliate if they call you names, or berate you to others. A dignified silence can ensure that your estranged family will eventually show themselves up for the people they really are. And you don't have to do a thing. Let them sink themselves, while you walk away with your head high.

ScruffbagsRUs Sun 25-Feb-18 22:36:31

BTW, if I put my kids through what my mum and Br2 put me through, I wouldn't and couldn't expect them to have anything to do with me. I would have no-one else to blame, but myself for the situation.

FreeNiki Sun 25-Feb-18 22:56:19

@ScruffbagsRUs my mum and sis1 do expect me to have something to do with them and in fact go on as normal with them. In fact Im the bad one and should be nice. A lifetime of bullying from sis and dm not doing a thing to stop it. Dm being a bully herself & putting me second to sis every time throughout life and being financially abused by them

Both of them can fuck off imo.

ScruffbagsRUs Mon 26-Feb-18 09:41:25

Niki, my mum also expects me to be down on my knees begging for forgiveness. It makes her feel powerful, but because I'm not doing what she demands me to do, she's starting to weaken.

No doubt she be telling all who will listen, that I'm the bad one, but I've surrounded myself with those friends who actually respect me, have been there for me and have made me feel so much more welcome into their families, than my mum and Br2 has made me feel.

When my BIL (older brother's partner) told me that I wouldn't be welcome back into the family, I told him straight that it was no skin off my teeth as I never felt welcome anyway. That's why I called on my wonderful friends to help me out, and once they found that I did that, they lost power over me. I simply showed them that I didn't need them, and was willing to fork out more money in order to not be dependent on them.

I have to say that it really didn't go down too well grin

You know what............you don't need these people, and it's only until your nieces and nephews become adults, that they can, and may just ask for your side of things. All you have to do is tell them the truth, but if you do it in a way where they can absolutely imagine being in your shoes, then they will really be able to see and understand why you made the decisions you made. It wasn't because you didn't love THEM (of course you do), it was because you had to protect your mental and emotional health from these people, as they were bringing it down. You HAD to walk away for your own protection, and had you been able to take your DN's/DN's with you, I'm sure you would have done the same to protect their MH from the toxic people in the family.

I know I would have done exactly that, in a heartbeat, but unfortunately we can't. And unfortunately it seems that your DN's/DN's may well be poisoned against you by their parents and GP.

There is hope though. It'll take time, but as long as you keep letting them know that you'll be nothing but truthful to them, then they may well come to see these toxic people for who they really are. It's a small possibility, but a possibility all the same.

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