Day 19 no contact

[movingonforgood]

Hello all,

I am on my 19th day of NC. I will give a little background for you..

I have been in a relationship, and Valentine's Day would have been 4 years. As you can guess, we are no longer together.

I won't bore you with details, but about 2 years ago, he started telling me he wanted to see other women, but told me I was his "special girl". The first year was great - we were connected and talked to each other all of the time. He pursued me like crazy. Then he met someone, and he wanted to back off of our relationship, so he only "allowed" me to see him once a week, and if I ever texted him over the weekend, he would just ignore the text. I haven't gotten a birthday, Christmas, Valentine's gift or card in 2 years, but got all of those the 1st year.

The punishments were so cruel.. He sent me a text on Christmas saying ". Merry Christmas" , I answered telling him I hope he enjoyed that beautiful day with his family. He texted back how boring of a text that was, so I texted back "Merry Christmas to the person I love the most and look forward to hearing from every day". He answered "that's me", and I asked him to say something nice, and he would not. I got upset.. He cut me off for 3 whole days because I got upset. He told me later he was drinking with the neighbors and was drunk but no apologies. Ever. I was always wrong and always 'crazy'. I believed him because he is a psychiatrist. The counselor I speak to now is in disbelief of some of the things my ex would tell me. I am learning not to be so gullible.

19 days ago, I asked him if we could go back to what we were. I told him I missed how we were the first year, and that I wanted to be his girl alone. We were supposed to meet that night. He left me sitting in the restaurant for over an hour, and when I texted him to see where he was, he said he didn't "feel" like meeting me that night, and ignored any other texts from me. I left the restaurant, went home and went NC at that point.

It's been 19 days. No word from him, no "I miss you", or anything of the sort. I thought by removing myself from his life he would see the light, but that hasn't happened. Valentine's Day was tough not only because it is Valentines day, but was our anniversary. I know I wouldn't have gotten anything, not even flowers or a card, but for some reason it did hurt badly. I don't hurt enough to contact him, but when it hurts like this, I wonder if some sort of relationship is better than no relationship, if that even makes sense.

He is older than me - and he is a Doctor. He is in his 60's and I am in my 40's. I am also a professional, so you would think I would know better, right?

Anyone have any guidance or support for me? I know he's punishing me in his own way because I asked to talk about our relationship, and I don't kind walking away, but any tips to make it easier?

[3Blues]

My grandmother had a relationship like this and she confided in me all the time about it. From the outside the answer seems so simple, move on, but when youre in this situation it's not so easy.

Your self worth is at 0. The fact that you are used to being treated like this makes you think this is a relationship. It's not. He's used you for his own ego. He is obviously busy professionally and uses his profession as a way to get the ladies. There will be one who is special to him because she is not as available as you are making yourself for him. It's a hard and horrible truth. He hasn't contacted you or noticed your lack of contact because he is getting attention from his special one. This is always the way.

You are 40, successful and worth more than he has made you feel you are. He will be retired in under 10 years and where will you be? Still working, flying high and having the best time of your life. He will have nothing. Honestly. He is on a pedestal only in your mind. I say this from watching my grandmother. She was young, full of life and travelling the world...and when she started dying of cancer at the age of 53 he was suddenly attentive and wanted to care for her. He showed up at her funeral asking if he was in her will. At her funeral.

You can do this, keep no contact. Even if he contacts you. Be strong. Know your worth. There is always a shitty relationship you learn from before the right person falls into your lap. I promise you, you can do this!!!

[Poshindevon]

Before I read how old you were I thought you were a teenager or young woman in her early twenties.
You sound so immature , counting the days since he last contacted you.There is no fool like an old fool.
This man is a controller who wants you to grovel. He is not that into you , but you cant see it.
He could not care if he never sees you again.
20 days is three weeks, soon it will be one month, then three months, six months then one year. You should delete all his phone numbers e mails etc
Go out and enjoy yourself, dont sit at home waiting for this obnoxious man to contact you

[HisBetterHalf]

I expected you to be an immature teenager from that thread. Move on , he isnt interested or he is a sicko who likes fucking with your mind. You are worth better. Cant believe you are even asking about him.

[ThisLittleKitty]

Before I read how old you were I thought you were a teenager or young woman in her early twenties.

I actually thought the same. Sorry op I thought you were much younger than me and I'm in my 20s

[Madupfam]

Your basically his back up piece move on he has.

[Irishtwinmumma]

Hopefully he will leave you alone and you can move on and meet someone nice. You can actually have a real relationship with someone who will care about you and commit to you. Men like this never change. Don’t end up missing out on true love and hapiness by wasting your time with him

[RainbowHash]

Op I'm really sorry you're going through this - it must be tough. But 19 days is brilliant! No one should be treated like that. Just keep focusing on how good it will feel when you're finally emotionally disconnected - you're well on your way! 💐

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

Have a read of the baggage reclaim website and read up about narcissists and general personality disorders. You'll see him on every page and realise that he's nothing special, he's just one of many arseholes who get their kicks from fucking good people over.

I'm also NC for around the same time with my only mildly narc ex. He was nowhere near the level of arseholery you're dealing with, but I still knew that he would never give me what I needed from a partnership.

It is so hard, breaking the pattern of focussing on someone else, but it's like an addiction. Even when you accept that he's not good for you, the withdrawal is really hard to deal with.

Treat it like any other addiction, stay away, distract yourself, arm yourself with an understanding of what these people are like and how they can never put others first, that they only value you if you're doing as you're told.

You don't exist in your own right, only as an accessory to his life, a bit part player in his drama. As soon as you ask for a more interesting role he realises you are not him and loses interest.

I know it's hard but you can do it and your life will be so much better when you are free of the addiction. There is an association called CODA which is like AA but for codependent people (those addicted to martyring themselves in relationships) Have a read about codependency too, it sounds like you might be.

[movingonforgood]

Thank you for your kind (and sometimes not so kind words). I have taken all of them to heart, and I am remaining the course to walk away. It is like an addiction, but every day that goes by, I see how little I did mean to him. In my defense, he was a real prince the first year, and I was holding on to the hope that the original man I loved would come back. I see now that he is not, and I was a fool for too long. I will look into narcissistic personalities and codependency. There may be something there. Thank you all.