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Really? Is he coming on to me?

(14 Posts)
BasaForDinner Tue 20-Feb-18 09:12:36

I am supporting a good friend whose wife is terminally ill.
Our friendship has got closer in the last months. He will come here in the day for tea and a chat and we've been at each other's places in the evenings a couple of times. I have felt good that he's been able to open up about the difficult sides of caring for his wife.

All entirely above board from my POV. I have absolutely no romantic feelings towards him. However, my friend reckons he's coming on to me, because he invited me to his place for dinner and we played scrabble. Loads of our mutual friends know we spend time together, there's nothing illicit about it.

Am I so bloody naive or is it possible to have a friendship with someone w/o there being other motives?

He did ask to come over this evening once my LO is in bed and I said I would need to go back to work. He also asked me to swim with him today (that's not weird, he is part of a big group of friends who've all done open water swimming events together, we're all sporty), and I said I can't (which is the truth).

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble Tue 20-Feb-18 09:15:39

It sounds like a frienship to me and gossip mongers should keep their noses out , i wouldnt change at all if your both happy with the way things are

Cricrichan Tue 20-Feb-18 12:01:29

It sounds like a friendship to me. As long as you don't feel his feelings are growing for you then all you're being is a good friend to him in his time of need.

Ifailed Tue 20-Feb-18 12:08:30

If he's supporting his wife through a terminal illness I expect his emotions are all over the place. It's great that you can be a friend to him and support him, but be wary that he might mistake your companionship for something else.

I cared for my DP for their final months, and do have some experience of what he's going through.

TalkinBoutWhat Tue 20-Feb-18 12:09:12

From your perspective it is a good friendship.

However, many men who have happy marriages and are widowed generally remarry very quickly. That may be what your friends' are concerned about.

SendintheArdwolves Tue 20-Feb-18 12:39:35

However, my friend reckons he's coming on to me, because he invited me to his place for dinner and we played scrabble

If that is the extent of the reasons to think he is coming on to you, then sounds like you're safe OP.


It is not unheard of for people who are supporting a spouse through terminal illness to start looking around for another relationship even before their spouse has passed. This goes double for men, who tend to remarry/find new partners much faster than women (NOT IN ALL CASES before anyone jumps on me).

In fact, it's so common it borders on cliché for a widower to hook up with the woman who helped him through his wife's illness, or even her nurse/best friend.

So don't be thinking "Oh gosh, I'm sure the last thing on his mind is romance while his wife is so ill". Take a clear eyed look at the situation and be honest with yourself - do YOU think he is flirting/coming on to you?

BasaForDinner Tue 20-Feb-18 13:47:31

Thank you for your level-headed wisdom.

failed I'm so sorry you have been through similar. He's all over the place. I work from home and so can be available for a cuppa when he's feeling low. I can't do anything to help his wife, but I have felt I can help him just by listening.

Maybe my friend is just stirring.

I am quite recently divorced and have missed the signals of a few of other men coming on to me (2 of them married FFS.....) so sometimes I'm not sure. It shouldn't be that hard to have male friends.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 20-Feb-18 14:13:42

I think if your spidey senses haven't picked anything up then you're probably fine and your friend is stirring and also being totally insensitive if his wife is on her death bed!

Good on you for offering him what must be really valuable support at quite possibly the toughest time of his life. I'm not surprised he's all over the place.

is it possible to have a friendship with someone w/o there being other motives

Yes it bloody well is.

Hissy Tue 20-Feb-18 14:20:25

I'm a cynical bugger.

Recently divorced triggers a lot of slimeballs to come onto you, which you have found out already

MANY men with wives that are dying DO look to line up the replacement, I know it's horrid and difficult for us to imagine, but it happens.

I would proceed with caution OP.

In fact I would be honest with him and say 'some people have said that there could be more going on between us than there is, just wanted to clarify that you are i are friends and that's how I want it to stay'

Sadly it IS that hard to have male friends. Its a VERY rare man these days that can keep it 100% platonic and respect you as a person

BasaForDinner Mon 30-Jul-18 21:52:17

Popping in to say my friend's wife died peacefully yesterday.
I have remained a close and (I hope) supportive friend to him through these difficult months and will remain so.

dangerrabbit Tue 31-Jul-18 00:30:33

Sorry to hear about your friends wife OP 💐

PetitCornichon Tue 31-Jul-18 00:45:56

You don't mention any instances of him making any passes at You, any comments of flattery, any creepiness. Just sounds platonic and that he just needs a good friend.

I had a friend similar, but we had to phase out the friendship as there were so many accusations from others claiming he was clearly after me, and from his side that I was a homewrecker etc. Gossip at work. To the extent that we went to the cinema and a bite to eat one evening and my friend noticed that two of his wife's friends were there following us.

It became a strain on his marriage as the gossip was starting to get to his wife (even though she had several male friends she spent time alone with) and I was tired of being labelled as a husband-stealer. So we stopped being friends and he found another job.

I missed him for a long time. It was completely unromantic, totally platonic, no chemistry of a sexual kind whatsoever. We just clicked as mates.

I think some people just cannot grasp the concept of a platonic male / female friendship.

Ignore your friend who says he's coming on to you. Don't lose a good friend who clearly needs your support because of some spiteful insinuation.

PetitCornichon Tue 31-Jul-18 00:47:33

"Popping in to say my friend's wife died peacefully yesterday."

Just seen this. How awful. So sorry to hear that sadflowers

Cricrichan Tue 31-Jul-18 00:57:27

Im sorry to hear this op, and glad that you're a source of support to your friend.

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