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RE: What are we fighting for?(4 Posts)
I've reached the point where I just don't see the point anymore! Not in life as life is for living, but more for the part of life where we are meant to be loving!
I'm in a relationship and have bene 22 years, we have two boys (10 and 13) but seem to top toe around each other constantly.
In September 2016 we moved into a rental in order to get our eldest son into a high school that would be suitable for him (one with ASD provision). We moved fast and hadn't had time to rent the house we owned out properly.
This meant that my bills were £1700 a month (I earn £2200 a month)
I then spent the next few months having to spend a lot of money on DIY/buying furniture for two houses (as the plan was to get lodgers into the old house and our rental was unfurnished).
Eventually this ate up the £5k savings I had. Finally we got some lodgers (my partner refused to rent out through an agency) but as it was 'bills included' the money we got just about covered the mortgage and some of the bills. (one of the lodgers used to leave the gas heating on to the point that I would get £800 bills...from £200 previously!)
After 6 months they moved out and again there was no one for months (So I just ate up the costs into my overdraft). As my partner still wouldn't rent it properly (we were told we would have got £1300 a month!!) I got a mate to rent the house for £360 a month, just enough to cover mortgage but not bills.
My bills then as I paid the rent in our rental was around £1400 a month. (but with repayments on loans was more like £2200 a month).
By this point I was very stressed, had been overworking (80 hours a week at work - not for extra pay as it's a teaching job) was being bullied at work by my manager and was becoming very ill. I also started gambling with all of the pressure.
Eventually I went on long term sick after having a virtual breakdown after my boss constantly verbally abused me and berated me, used undermining tactics and kept on harassing me until I just couldn't keep going. (the bullying had been going on for 18 months and I was carrying the work of 3 people instead of 1 due to understaffing).
I had also started gambling and was on medication, by the time I began to get better and get through the completely manic stages I realised that I was £25k in debt. Half of this was probably the living expenses of paying so many bills per month - and then repayments on credit cards/overdraughts so I had very little per month to live off.
My credit rating went within a year to excellent and in credit to -£25k.
I owned up to my partner that I had been gambling and that it was also an illness. Her response was that I was pathetic, she mocked me and called me all sorts of names and kept referring to me as pathetic and disgusting. That how dare I take money away from our children and throw it away.
We haven't had intimate contact with each other for 2 years, we very seldom have any kind of physical contact and don't even sleep in the same bed. We have very complicated sleeping arrangements. Our eldest will no longer let his brother stay in his room, so our youngest has a bed in our room (we live in a 2 bed house).
Our eldest son has ASD (Aspergers) and won't sleep in his own room, he comes into our bed at 1am which means our youngest is in our bed - his older brother joins him. My partner then sleeps on a mattress on the floor and I end up sleeping in my son's room.
On a daily basis my partner communicates very rarely with me, if so it's sarcastic or very much one word or angry sounding responses.
We recently sold our house (thank god!!!) so now can start looking a houses. I asked if I could use some of the money from the sale to reduce my debts and I will pay them back over time but this just got a very very angry response from my partner.
I have spent over the past 2.5 years - the best part of £40k on bills, rent, mortgage, stuff for the family (my partner has contributed around £12k as she earns less).
I know I messed up big time getting into gambling debts but this was also an escape from stress, the financial pressure I was under and because I was ill. I recognise it for what it was and is, an illness.
I know earn £2600 after tax, have bills of £850 a month (this will reduce even further when we get a house). I have debts of £450 a month I pay off but it now means I can save.
The point I'm at though is this....if the past few years have been spent being miserable with each other then what's even the point of staying together and buying a house long term?
My partner barely wishes to communicate with me, when I have sent long searching messages there has been very little response and even less so when I try to discuss in person.
We have very different social lives, my partner stays at her friends when she goes out and yet I get grief if I even entertained such an idea.
I'm sick of being laughed at and mocked as being pathetic and blaming my problems on mental health.... I even had this in a mocking voice too......made worse when my partner works in Mental Health and I would have thought that of all people she would have shown some empathy.
I love our children, I want the best home for them but I just don't know if us staying together will the best in the long run.
All of this may be from my own narrow perspective so please please please chip in with some views!
Your partner sounds horrendous- hey should have agreed to use a letting agent after your first lodge left you with massive bills.
I would walk away. What are you getting out of this relationship? You could take your share of the house (are you married? Couldn't work it out, if not then I'd say the majority of the house sale proceeds are yours), pay off your debts and start again.
My DH has been a saint recently I've been in hospital for 5 weeks and he's been working around seeing me and sorting out our day to day life. My point is; it's meant to be like that. You're meant to be a partnership, a brilliant team where one of you picks up the slack as and when the other needs it.
You deserve more. You deserve to be happy and your kids deserve more
Why did your partner refuse to rent it through an agency?
Regardless, you sound really unhappy and you don't need anyone's permission to end a marriage. If you want to, do.
As other poster has said your partner sounds horrific and one partner does pick up the slack when the other cant.
From a financial point of view if your partner hasnt been paying any of the housing costs that doesnt seem fair.
However if they have been, it may be that they feel they have been picking up the slack for far to long and have reached a point where they resent you for it. Your sleeping arangements where they end up on the floor probably doesnt sound like an enviroment that will help with that either. They may be dealing with their own issues and become shut down emotionally to cope.
Is there anyone who can help with the kids for an evening or a couple of hours so you can both go out for a coffee or something somewhere neutral and talk this through?
Financially and emotionally would you be able to leave?, would life be better for you and the kids if you did? If theres no intimacy or affection left would you be able to get along better as parents then partners? All questions you need to ask yourself before approaching a conversation with your partner. Do you both need help addressing issues around your eldest son regardless of your relationship to each other?
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