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I need a female perspective

(27 Posts)
Isshe Mon 19-Feb-18 23:10:42

I’m trying to get a female perspective about my wife’s behaviour for the last 6 months,
I’m 45(m) wife is 47(f), We will have been married 21yrs May and have 3 children 17, 15 and 13.
She is a stay at home Mum and I have always worked away on a 4 week even time roster.
6 months ago (July) we moved back to my wife’s hometown so she can be near her family.
Up until October we have had a great sex life 2-3 times a week when I’m home from work.
In early October I came home from working away and as normal first night back = sex.
Since that day no sex at all.
That’s Okay
Everything is starting to change with her withdrawing from me.
I go back to work in November and come back in December to find one day that she has left her underwear drawer open and she has replaced everything I don’t recognise anything in there.
My 2 oldest children appear to be angry with my wife as well.
I go back to work for January but have an accident and both my legs are broken. I get home in the last week of January and my wife looks after me.
On Valentine’s Day I try to do something romantic and bye her a $550 package with a note that read “ I love you just because you are you, be my Valentine “which gets delivered to our house.
She does not even mention the gift and at 1230 that night she gets out of bed and makes a phone call for an hour to a number I don’t know.
Friday night comes and she goes out with her best friend (f) of 40yrs.
I had a bad night with my legs so I went to bed.
At 1230 I get woken up by my wife’s best friend naked and blind drunk climbing into bed saying “thought you might be lonely”. I said no way but she wouldn’t leave so I got up and slept on the couch.
My wife gets home at 1.30 in the morning drunk and I tell her what happened and she doesn’t even get angry at her friend.
Yesterday I told her that I bought her the Valentine’s gift and she got very nervous.
What the hell is going on?

Georgeofthejungle Mon 19-Feb-18 23:14:26

Well. This seems a bit of a strange post...

However. I think you know what picture you have painted here

crazyhead Mon 19-Feb-18 23:18:24

Some kind of crisis, clearly. It’s all too easy to say ‘affair’ - clearly you must be wondering.

Have you laid out what you’ve written here and simply asked her what’s going on? It sounds so extreme it’s as though she is almost willing the question.

This must be very tough, i’m sorry.

PancakeInMaBelly Mon 19-Feb-18 23:18:36

Weird post. What specifically do you need a vagina-ed person's angle on there?

MaisieDuke Mon 19-Feb-18 23:18:38

Sounds like she is having an affair.
Going off sex is quite normal at 47.
But the underwear, valentines gift and phone call all point to an affair I'm afraid.
Can't understand why she would not be angry with her 'friend' either.

Changedname3456 Mon 19-Feb-18 23:28:01

Almost certainly an affair. Sorry to hear it. Guess you need to decide whether the marriage is salvageable. Take steps to safeguard half of any savings etc that she has joint access to, and think about what you need to do with credit cards.

There’ve been plenty of times when men and women having affairs have cleaned out all the savings and racked up credit card debt on leaving their partner - and she has lots of opportunity to do that when you’re back at work.

MrsElvis Mon 19-Feb-18 23:28:05

Did she send her friend to test you wtf was that about?

Cricrichan Mon 19-Feb-18 23:37:27

Well it seems like everything was great until you moved to her hometown. Obviously can't be certain but I'd suspect she's met someone or rekindled something.

Flimp Mon 19-Feb-18 23:39:08

Eh?? What's going on with the friend?? confused

DontDIY Mon 19-Feb-18 23:43:23

Are you thinking the friend thought she was getting into bed with your wife?

buckingfrolicks Mon 19-Feb-18 23:47:39

Affair. The only reason she'd change so quickly and all her underwear

FunnyBunny9088 Mon 19-Feb-18 23:50:09

The friend let's herself into your house, she has keys? strips off when u have children in the house. Wow
Your wife turns up an hour later ... this is very odd.

silver2011 Mon 19-Feb-18 23:57:48

Very odd sorry sounds like she is having a affair you need to ask her straight what s going on . sad

Noodles4Me Tue 20-Feb-18 00:02:38

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Isshe Tue 20-Feb-18 01:08:32

Thanks everyone for your replies.
Yes this very strange!
I need a female perspective because I have no female friends except my wife’s friends.
I work in a 40 man all male camp of which only 2 of us have not been divorced, so any advice from them is going to be biased.
I don’t want to hurt her with my insecurities if she is having emotional problems of her own.
Should I just confront her?
Could it be hormonal at 47?

Livinglifepeachy Tue 20-Feb-18 01:16:46

Think you need to speak to her and also find out why the kids are angry. It's better to actually speak /confront as this is the only way you will find out whether there is an affair going on or not...

eggncress Tue 20-Feb-18 01:34:17

Sorry, it sounds like an affair. Maybe met an old flame from her past.
Unlikely hormonal in my opinion.
You need to confront her and as pp said safeguard finances ASAP.
Sounds like the kids also know/ suspect.

Monty27 Tue 20-Feb-18 01:38:42

If a drunken male man got into my bed uninvited I would go ballistic. Particularly if ...well. I have no words

Winosaurus Tue 20-Feb-18 06:35:30

Sorry this sounds like an affair to me sad
What was the friend doing? A few things crossed my mind... she either thought you were your wife because she was drunk and they’ve been having some lesbian liasons, or she knows your wife is cheating on you because she’s told her and so she thought she try it on with you as you’re “available” in her eyes now and the fact she said “I thought you’d be lonely” implies she knows you’ve not been having sex with your wife... or lastly your wife set it up because if you slept with or accepted her friend’s advances then you’d be the cheat and she has a reason to leave you and look like the innocent party.
Pants - no big deal, I bin mine from time to time and stock up on nice ones.
Older kids being cross with her - maybe they know what she’s up to when you’re not around? Ask them what’s their deal with her?
Valentines gift - the fact she didn’t mention it indicates she’s definitely thought it wasn’t from you. Even if she had thought it was a bit much / didn’t like it she surely would have at least mentioned it arriving???
Midnight phone call - definitely something dodgy here. Who the hell calls you that late at night unless it’s an emergency which she would have surely told you about afterwards? I’ve only had one late night call at that time which was my friend calling to say her dad died and she was distraught. Obviously after the conversation I filled my DP in on what happened. Did you ask her who it was?

This is not looking good sad

RLOU88 Tue 20-Feb-18 06:39:23

What’s going on with the friend ? How did she get there?

Olikingcharles Tue 20-Feb-18 07:32:47

Talk to her ask her calmly what is going on? What the late night call was about needs to be asked too. Also ask the older kids why they are angry/upset with her? I suspect she could be seeing someone else and the older kids know or suspect it perhaps? Something is certainly not right? Affair perhaps? You won't know until you ask and even then they may all choose to lie. One of these things on there own could be nothing but altogether seems rather odd?

PerfectlyDone Tue 20-Feb-18 07:38:52

You need to have a conversation with your wife.

Interweb strangers with or without vaginas cannot help you here.

Good luck.

RainyApril Tue 20-Feb-18 07:54:16

I'm sorry this is happening. I can well remember how it hurts to feel the distance growing, to feel your spouse pulling away, to drive yourself mad wondering what is going on.

I expect you've come here hoping that people will give you a list of other things it could be, but unfortunately, with all of the little explainable incidents all put together, it does sound like an affair.

I expect her friend knows about the affair and disapproves, and now sees you as fair game. Was your wife definitely out with her that evening, or did the friend blow the alibi by turning up at your house? Did your wife send her, because it'd make ending the marriage easier if it was your fault?

The usual advice on here is to avoid confrontation until you've done some snooping, because cheaters are rarely open and honest about what they're doing.

Isshe Tue 20-Feb-18 22:44:54

Okay, I don’t think she is having an affair. Today my legs swelled up in the plaster and I went to have some anti inflammatories and they were all gone. I asked my wife about it and she said that taking them was the only way to get rid of her permanent migraine. I called her Mum to take her to the doctor and she has been admitted to hospital with swelling in the brain.
The kids are with friends and I am in a cab back to the hospital.
I don’t know anything more yet but will try to post if I can.

eggncress Tue 20-Feb-18 22:54:59

So sorry .... hope she is okflowers

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