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I feel bad, but im losing patience with my Mrs...(139 Posts)
My partner seems to constantly be clashing with our 5(and a half) year old... She seems to think that he always responds to her with attitude, or he sounds miserable. Somewhat like a teenager i guess.
Im of the opinion that when he does this. it can be pretty normal for a kid his age. He definetley is NOT a miserable kid. But she clashes with him, ends up losing her rag with him. They get into an argument, and i step in. Or if im at work, i can almost time when my phone is going to ring, after shes dropped him to school, when she can tell me how he wasnt getting dressed, back chatting, etc etc...
she says "i dont see other kids talking like this" "he is miserable, and its driving me mad" Basically laying all responsibilty on his little shoulders... I approach him differently, and get vastly different results. She says "kids behave differently towards dads" which to some extent i agree with. But not totally. I feel that she has completely unrealistic expectations of what, and how a child should be acting etc. I think she sometimes treats him like an adult, instead of a kid.
I have said multiple times to try different methods, ways of approaching situations. Ive tried leading by example. Tried telling her to seek advice away from the home. We could look into parenting classes if she thinks it will help. Yet, the situation blows over, we carry on with life, and end up back in the same place. with little to no effort to change.... Just repeating the same behavior, expecting our child to just "change" ...
Its got to the point where now. When she comes to me to vent her frustrations, and talking bad about our kid. Im really struggling to not shout at her, or even be understanding towards it.
HELP! am i being unreasonable, is she right... Or do i need to need to actually demand she actually does something about it, rather than repeating the same cycle of sh*t.
I think if you’ve suggested solutions and she’s ignoring and carried on as normal it’s ok for you to say (not shout) “We’ve discussed this and I’ve told you what I think, I’ve given you ideas, I’m happy to make changes together ” or words to that effect, and that’s it.
Is it possible that she herself is depressed or unhappy and is projecting a bit?
If i can also add a bit of perspective on our home life... We both work. me fulltime, her part time. However, because of my shifts. i am at home a lot. Im not one of these dads who drift in and out, or never home because of work. I have always been hands on and fully engaged with home life. Im always there cleaning etc too. We give each other our free time to enjoy our own hobbies. We allow each other space, or a breather from the kids. We also spend good time as a family etc too...
You don't sound like you like your wife very much to be honest. Your judgemental attitude would definitely get my back up, I'm sure you're not always the perfect model parent that you are making yourself out to be.
Thank you... and in regards to her being unhappy. Ive never had a sense of that, and seen any reason for her to be unhappy. We have a healthy relationship. We rarely argue etc. we're happy together(unless shes hiding it REALLY well...lol) We dont have any troubles, financially or otherwise. I really wouldnt be able to pin point any reaons for unhappiness, or depression... That being said. The last few days have been particularly bad. Its that "time of the month" Which normally passes without mention. However, she did express that she hasnt felt this bad on a period ever. REALLY moody, snappy etc...
Is it a recent thing?
Maybe try going away as a little family and having some fun away from deadlines and housework?
And it's no wonder that your ds plays up for your wife if you never back her up and work together to parent him.
I take it that she is the main care giver? It's quite possible that your methods aren't suitable on a constant basis. Why don't you just switch roles? She can get a more demanding better paid job and you can cut back on work to take care of DC.
You are probably going to get a load of shit on here because you are a man
But any parent who is so down on their child who is 5 is not doing a good job and I totally understand your frustration. I am not sure what you can do though, this is how she parents and doesn't sound like she is open to growth.
How was she parented herself? What are her norms? You might want to start there to understand her expectations around parenting which might highlight your very differing values
Oh god. Good luck OP. You’re a man on mumsnet ‘complaining’ about your wife. Doesn’t matter what you say there’ll be some posters who lay the blame with you. Good luck
Personally your wife sounds like she’s got the problem. Is she stressed? If she isn’t willing to change HER attitude then perhaps you’ll have to rethink your relationship.
I love her very much, and im very happy with her... Im by no means the perfect parent. Im simply saying that she constantly seems to clash with our five year old, and im frustrated because ive tried to offer help, solutions, reasons (none of which in a "know it all" way) But if she keeps going round the same cycle expecting something to change... I dont know what else to say or suggest. Ive tried comforting her, and making her feel better when shes at the end of her tether. This is one situation in an otherwise happy home.
Im here to ask for help.... If i was the perfect parent, i wouldnt be. But thanks anyway.
I think if she's placing unrealistic demands on your son that is going to make them both unhappy.
He's only little too, it's not fair to him. Maybe you could get a good book together, and try to follow it properly.
Maybe How to Talk so Kids Will Listen.
You are probably going to get a load of shit on here because you are a man
This. I'm afraid you're wasting your time here OP. I hope you have thick skin.
In terms of how our time is split regarding care... its 60/40... Im there a lot. And i am in no way a man who sits on the sofa watching it all play out in front of me.
I find it ironic that im being judged on here... Luckily i do have thick skin. Maybe it wasnt the right place to post. Thought maybe getting some opinions from women would help.
Does she have many mum friends or go to activities with your son? Maybe she needs to see how other kids are behaving to realise he is behaving normally. It sounds tough on your son.
Ignore the posters who want this to be your fault OP. Can you get her to agree to go to parenting classes together ? It sounds like they are for bad parents so that might put you off but my sister and bil (amazing parents ) did one for a specific issue they were having with dn and they both thought it was really helpful.
OP I hope you don't get too hard a time on here. I agree with a pp I think this might be to do with how she was patented herself, or is she very young? Under thirty? I think counselling for her could help and it would be useful if she has a good friend who parents really well who she can learn from.
I used to clash like this with my kids when they were young, had a terrible home life myself as a kid, a violent relationship and I was very young when I had them. I'm completely different now.
It's great that she has you to support her, carry on helping her and suggesting things I would say. I think she needs some positive bonding time with him, doing something fun together.
My sister is like this with her 5 year old daughter. Constantly losing her rag with her about things that don’t even matter. Her OH is much calmer with my niece and he gets far better results and better behaviour from her. I do emphasise with my sister as she’s exhausted and very stressed out but I do hate witnessing her screaming at my niece over something really silly. It’s a difficult situation though as she’s the one who has to deal with my niece 90% of the time as her OH is often away working. She definitely has the more difficult job
I have actually suggested that we swap roles... She work fulltime, me part time. She doesnt want that. Besides, like ive said. The way our shifts are structured. Its practically 50/50 between us anyway. Im always giving her time away from the kids to pursue her hobbies, or to just go an relax etc... I do a big chunk of the housework etc. Im not a man living in the 50s.... I'd appreciate a little less judgement. doesnt look like that is going to happen though.
Why is it ironic that you're getting judged here? I'm not sure you're using that word correctly. Perhaps it's just a novelty to get judged: welcome to the female experience.
So far you've only mentioned how you confront the issue directly. Have you tried praising behaviour you approve of? Perhaps a holiday would help- see if the problems persist in a different context. Or role swap for a week. There might be something you're missing.
Doe she know many other 5yos? Are they all miraculously better behaved than your DS? Seems unlikely.
I clash quite a lot with my 5yo at the moment, because at the grand old age of 5 (well actually 4) he became the world's biggest know-it-all and won't back down when he's wrong. I do get very frustrated with him and we do have some, um, loud arguments sometimes when he insists that he is right (he totally isn't).
But I do know a fair number of other 5yos, and while he frustrates me rigid at times, I know he's not unusual in his behaviour, and is in fact "better" than some other 5yos I know.
I don't have all the answers but you might suggest that you (both, to avoid an argument) start to look for the positives in your son, rather than focusing on the negatives, as she appears to be doing. As a start.
Is she fine in herself besides from your son? Or does she seem depressed/stressed/exhausted in general? Does she usually have a short fuse and get irritated very easily?
It’s difficult to advise as she might give a completely different version of events to what you’re saying. Can you calmly talk to her and explain the issues or will she just get defensive?
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