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Am I wrong here? Was a stand in boyfriend?

(25 Posts)
PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 17:23:47

I split with my ex a while ago. About a month ago things came to an explosive head concerning our house, children etc. Ex took the kids and refused to let me see them, speak to them etc, as well as enlisting the help of friends to paint me as an abuser when in fact, the relationship had become toxic on both sides due to the fact it was failing. It is all sorting now however, some of the things I have had to read and hear about myself have had a massive effect on me.

I have struggled with an eating disorder and struggle to leave the house. I have gone four months before without setting foot outside.

Just before this happened my best friend of twenty years and I started a fitness class. The first night I didn't want to go. I seriously considered cancelling. But she said she didn't want to as she felt self concious. I sucked it up, dragged her there, cheered her on and encouraged her. She is naturally a lot better at the activity than me. She was incredibly pleased I talked her into still going and has been loving it. We've gone together every week and it was one of the positive I was trying to take forward in my life.

Fast forward to Tuesday. One of the most awful rumours I've ever heard about me came to light (off the back of ex enlisting friends to smear me, altho he did defend me and say this absolutely never happened) . People in the town are saying I attacked my son and broke his ribs. This is not true and the incident (there was a specific incident at a specific place I'm meant to have done this) was very public, there were even police walking by us, my son threw a tantrum and I simply fell over with him. There were no injuries. It was on cctv too.

Its still not nice. I needed my friend. I rang her all weekend. She ignored me despite being online. It got to Tuesday. By this point I felt really shit. She answered a "are you alive" message with "yeah I'm good" then nothing.

I got ready for class as I assume we'd be going. Still no answer. Boyfriend eventually picks up and says she'd gone already.

I really didn't feel able to leave the house alone and was rather upset that she'd blown me off. I then found a comment on fb where she told our instructor she'd ask me if I were coming (instructor asks weekly who's coming). This comment was before the "are you alive" message.

I know I shouldn't have. But I was so hurt. I commented and said I was hurt, that I was upset she'd lied when she clearly had no intention of asking as she'd had plenty of chance. She could've given the instructor my mobile number to ring. I feel like she went out of her way to make sure I didn't go. My body confidence is genuinely zero. I'm so skinny and flat and I kills me seeing the other beautiful women there. I just wanted my best friend.

She told me to grow up and that I'm a grown ass woman who can walk there herself. I know I am. But I had really needed to talk to one of the only two people I trust right now. And she's also a grown ass woman who needed her friend to even go in the first place. So that's a bit rich.

When she left her ex I did so much for her. I don't expect any of this in return, but to be basically ripped into for wanting a twenty minute chat with my friend and a couple of hours practising our new hobby (which I was enjoying and was doing well at too even if I don't look as graceful). I used to buy her flowers, shoes, expensive candles and jewelry. I've taken her kids for days on end when she was dating. If her ex said anything bad I was straight there. I helped her with money, items etc. I'm a qualified nail tech and I've done her nails religiously and never charged her a penny. All to make her feel good.

I feel like now she's got her fella and the life she wanted, she doesn't care.

She huffily shoved some letters I left at her house through my door and told me I can play like that with others not with her and she's done.

I feel so conflicted. I feel sad losing my only friend, but I also feel she's taken my thunder in "being done with it". I feel like I should be angry. I know I probably should've said something more privately but then, if she'd not lied to the instructor I wouldn't have had anything to comment on. I was considering begging forgiveness but telling my mum and writing it here makes me feel more justified in just moving on. Would you have been hurt by this? Is it normal for Friendships to go one sided?

Thinking about other incidents over the last couple of years.

One night I'd spent all night doing her nails. I had no money at all. She gave me bus fair. Turned out the late bus was double. I went back to her house to see if I could get a lift or a couple of extra quid to get the next bus. She was having sex so left me to walk 3.5 miles home alone carrying all my nail equipment. It took me hours. I weighed 40kg at the time (anorexic).

This seems petty, but the time she wouldn't let me try her new make up brushes. Which would be fair enough for most people, but when I've let her use thousands of pounds of professional nail equipment, even without my supervision despite the fact she'd not qualified or insured, so I'm fucked if shed cured the lot, and she tells me I'm not good enough to try out a fifteen quid brush it's a bit of a kick in the teeth.

The most she's done recently is withdraw money of mine I had paid into her bank as my ex got mine closed. And I gave her twenty quid a time for withdrawing it for me.

Am I wrong here? Do I just move on? I'm really struggling here more so than I did ending the relationship with the father of my kids.

I have very little self worth. I've recently met someone (not a serious or exclusive relationship) but he has been supportive for genuine reasons and it's making me think maybe I am worth a bit more as a friend.

SandyY2K Sun 18-Feb-18 17:56:15

In summary let her be and concentrate on your children.

That's where your energy should be focussed.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 18-Feb-18 17:56:29

This friend... isn't really much of a friend, is she? Sounds like you're good enough to be friends with as long as she's getting something out of you, but when you need something back she's not interested. You mentioned her going cold after the awful rumour did the rounds. Is that because you suspect she believed it, or is it just that you particularly needed support because if the rumour making you feel bad? Either way, you don't deserve this kind of treatment.

I hope your new friend is as genuine as he seems, whether or not things develop further, because yes, you are worth more as a friend and as a human being.

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 18:00:28

Yes because no one with children can possibly think of anything else. I'm concentrating on rebuilding our lives after the last year. As I said I am anorexic too, my ex and I have a shared care arrangement now. But when the kids arent with me it's very lonely. I ended up ringing 111 on Wednesday and they were going to send me to a mental health unit as I was suicidal, but no one ever turned up.

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 18:02:08

Annie no she knows about that incident, I rang her the night it happened. The rumour was deer specific. I don't even think she knows about it yet because she doesn't know the people who are saying g it (mostly horsey folk I know as I had horses before the split).

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 18:02:42

Deer specific? Very specific *

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 18:06:14

But yes I did need her support. That's how I feel. Like I'm only good enough if I'm doing something she wants. She's done little things and taken the kids the odd time but only if she's had no way to make excuses not to.

Angelf1sh Sun 18-Feb-18 18:07:24

From what I can understand of your post, you’re best off out of it. Is sounds like she has been using you for a long time.

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 18:11:14

And thankyou.

He does seem genuine. We met in a very odd way. But he's been through a lot similar to me (that I've witnessed and seen proof of so it's not just lip service). He is going through a lot too though and today is having troubles again (serious ones) so I can't put any of this on him right now but I will tell him over coffee in the week when we both are child free. He has encouraged me to make up with her and offered to talk to her but it's only the last couple of days I've really been thinking about the long term one sidedness where as when he was offering to do that I was just upset about Tuesday.

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 18:15:19

Angel thankyou for your comment. I really wanted to go beg forgiveness earlier for the fb comment. But if other people see it too I can't be mad.

I'm not even exaggerating how one sided it feels. I literally feel like I was her boyfriend substitute until she found her current partner and now has a family with him so he's not likely to go anywhere.

I remember thinking at times. Like the night I had to walk home. It wasn't like she didn't hear the door. She answered and made it obvious what they were doing and said she couldn't help.

I wouldn't do that to someone I didn't like never mind my best friend. It was gone midnight and freezing cold and the areas I had to walk home slowly through are terrifying dark wooded areas, alleys and a town centre full of drunks at kicking out time.

MrMeSeeks Sun 18-Feb-18 18:16:58

You're better off without her.
It's tough but you sound like a much better friend flowers

Costacoffeeplease Sun 18-Feb-18 18:19:29

I don’t know why you’d want all this drama
In your life, how old are you both? You sound like teenagers

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 18:22:55

MrMeSeeks your name alone made me smile grin

Its not just me either. My ex did a lot to help her but only because I begged him and often got a lot of shit for it.

I tried to take her to meet the friend I've made. He is lovely. He's a brilliant dad. She met him once in passing and all she had to say was that he reminded her of her paedophile rapist brother and then when invited over to his house childishly claimed she wasn't allowed to boys houses. Her partner was fine with it. I made her come to get a taxi because I wanted to go (my new friend paid for it) but didn't want her walking home and she was so fucking rude. I felt like such a twat.

lapetitesiren Sun 18-Feb-18 18:24:21

It might be a good idea to remove the Facebook post.

sexyegg Sun 18-Feb-18 18:27:24

You need to focus more on you and your son, and forget this so-called friend.

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 18:28:15

Costa I'm 28. I don't want drama. I wanted my friend. I wouldn't call anything I've green through Drama and it's pretty insulting having the absolute destruction of my life likened to a cheap source of entertainment.

It's been soul destroying to the point I'm shaking constantly, I want to be someone else. I hate my self so much that at night I sit and scratch my skin with the razor sharp nails I sculpted myself. I feel so dirty I'm in the bath four times a day. I feel like there are insects running under my skin and I want to rip it off. I don't have any intention of drip feeding, I do t wish to share certain information with the WWW that's led me to this, But I'm feeling let down and hurt by someone I thought I had s solid love g term friendship with and I've just been proven wrong at an already horrid time.
I didn't start the rumors myself, I didn't ask people to do what they've done, I've tried to deal with it best I can while rebuilding my self esteem and confidence.

everyonesgotanopinion Sun 18-Feb-18 18:30:59

I honestly would have kept walking after the nail situation when she let you walk home. Don't value yourself so low that you'll accept such disrespectful behaviour. Ghost her property and don't look back.

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 18:31:17

I came off fb completely.

I'm glad you all think I should forget it but honestly I haven't encouraged any kind of drama. I don't need to tbh. The last six months have been mental, vile and completely life changing. I can't believe how wrong I was about people.

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 18:32:41

everyone I remember walking home feeling completely used and uncared for. That's the earliest moment of the last couple of years that pops into my head when I think about how it's made me feel.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 18-Feb-18 18:44:11

This isn’t a ‘normal’ reaction, I think you need real life help

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 18:49:09

You're not really qualified to make medical judgements on my reactions or what help I need. I've stated this is one of many things that has happened, I've stated I'm in need of support and I stated I was seeking help.

Ive asked if I'm wrong to feel used by this person, hardly some crazed basket case.

mamaryllis Sun 18-Feb-18 18:52:33

What mental health support are you getting? The friend thing is a red herring. You need to be concentrating on your health and that of your son. It sounds as if you need to access more professional support currently.
Please look to rl support.

Soundsettings Sun 18-Feb-18 19:00:50

She isn’t your friend. A true friend won’t treat you like that. I think it’s time you let this friendship go. Be kind to yourself, I hope things improve soon.

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 19:01:57

Mama I am diagnosed with OCD and ptsd. I've been to my doctors. I have another appointment with her Tuesday and a psychiatric referrals been made.

I'm well in control of that. I know what needs to be done. I'm just trying to figure out what I need to take forward. I had it all planned out and this has just made me feel like I can't even trust my own wants because I always end up with people using me. But then I feel like I owe everyone something g so I let them

PrimalLady Sun 18-Feb-18 19:03:52

I did have a psychiatrist and therapy before we moved back here in 2015 too. Ii have been going to my doctors before this too but the MH services here aren't as good as where I was before.

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