How do I check up on him? Advice please!!

[Puddlegum]

I have a strong suspicion that my dp is either cheating on me or addicted to porn. He may also be looking up various dubious websites eg escorts.

The problem is I have no proof and if I try to speak to him, he makes me think I'm going crazy. The other night I came downstairs at 2am when he had said he would come up to bed at 12. I heard him slam his laptop shut and he also had a blanket around him. He jumped up really quickly after went past him and looked extremely guilty. However, when I confronted him the next day he insisted he was just playing a computer game and only looked guilty as he knew he should have already been in bed (I'm not his mother so don't see his point about this).

In the early days of our relationship he told me he uses incognito tabs when watching porn. He also told me that when 'out with the lads' he had visited strip clubs and met up with hookers in Amsterdam (although hadn't slept with any). He says he was much younger then and would never do that now. His brother's stag do is in a couple of weeks and I'm very nervous.

Is there any way I can check up on him as don't want to accuse him in the wrong. I'm clinging on to the hope I might be wrong and I don't entirely trust my gut instinct. He works in IT so i would assume he is very clever at covering his tracks if he is up to anything.

[Puddlegum]

Anybody... please. Am I in the wrong here?

[TellsEveryoneRealFacts]

In the early days of our relationship he told me he uses incognito tabs when watching porn. He also told me that when 'out with the lads' he had visited strip clubs and met up with hookers in Amsterdam (although hadn't slept with any).

So you already knew he was a sleaze.

He works in IT so i would assume he is very clever at covering his tracks if he is up to anything.

If your gut says you don't trust him, why carry on this farce?

[BertrandRussell]

Once a sleazebag always a sleazebag.

[Puddlegum]

I wasn't as worried because he said he didn't sleep with anyone. I'm surprised he would have told me about the incognito tab thing but it has now made me very suspicious.

[fridayrain]

It seems obvious from his reaction when you walked into the room that he was looking at something he didnt want you to see. Please don't believe his shit excuse.

If he's proficient in computers then he probably has tried to cover himself but you can always try and check his history, cookies and temp internet files. You could also remove incognito on the laptop.

If this happens again just take the laptop off him and see for yourself. And always trust ur gut.

[aftertheevent]

I understand why you want the facts. Thing is once they go down the road to porn and escorts they really don't stop.
If I were you I would assume hes watching porn late at night or when he can. That's a cert.
To discover if hes still seeing sex workers( and he probably did in Amsterdam or why meet up with them?) I would check ATM withdrawals and phone records.
But nowadays I think you can pay with cards and paypal and he may have another phone.
I discovered all this going way back dont let it happen to you.

[Puddlegum]

However, as far as I know there is no way to track someone if they are incognito. Does anybody know about iPhone accounts in general? The only thing I know is his passcode to get into his phone. He might have a secret one though.

[Puddlegum]

@fridayrain is there a way of removing incognito or checking it without him knowing? I know it might seem I'm being irrational here but his reaction the other night was seriously suspicious.

[aftertheevent]

If hes looking at escort websites he is a user. That's how I found out and the story unravelled from there.
If you have no kids I would start to make plans to leave him.

[Puddlegum]

Ps he swore on his daughter's life so then I felt I had to apologise several times over.

[Puddlegum]

Thank you @aftertheevent. So sorry this happened to you.

[TastyLentils]

In what way is he your "DP"? I don't mean that sarcastically btw. In what way do you feel valued? Does he like you or respect you? How is the sex? Is it a bit, well, "porny"?

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

To be honest I think this is the beginning of the end. You don't trust him and I find it impossible to believe that he met up with hookers and escorts but didn't sleep with them...what did he meet up with them for then, a coffee and a chat about the weather? I think you'd be a fool to believe him.

How long have you been together?

[SendintheArdwolves]

Swearing on their kid's life is something liars do a lot.

I think it's popular because it SOUNDS serious, but is actually totally meaningless. I mean, if someone says "I swear on x's life" and really they are lying, what happens? Is x going to suddenly die?

[BertrandRussell]

"Ps he swore on his daughter's life so then I felt I had to apologise several times over.sad"

He's watched too much Eastenders. And putting you in the position where you have to apologise is a classic liar's technique.

[aftertheevent]

My dh swore on the children's lives that he hadn't seen anyone. What he meant was he didn't have an affair but he had seen sex workers and in his head they don't count.
Don't believe a word of it.

[cloudchaos]

Most home routers (unless very basic) will have a feature to log all activity taking place on the network. Often this isn't switched on by default so won't help with past activity but you could set it up for future use. It won't tell you the exact page visited but it will track the domain and the device which accessed it so you'll be able to tell from this if it's a porn site or similar. This will work even if he's using incognito mode or deleting his history.

[NotTheFordType]

If you can get access to his laptop for a stretch of at least an hour, you could install a keylogger.

"I swear on my daughter's life!"
My ex tried this one. I said
So basically you've just given me permission to murder your daughter, rather than admit your wrongdoing. Oh look, I have the proof right here, must have forgotten to show it to you. Damn. How would you like to explain this to your daughter - because you need to tell her "I wished you dead rather than admit I've been getting my dick wet elsewhere when Ford and I are supposed to be monogamous and are already having sex pretty much every day."

[CamberGirl]

There is a way to get an incognito history. A PP on another thread posted it. I screenshot it but since then I've lost that mobile . I'll try and find it again.

[Bathsheba1878]

My ex was very keen on swearing on our DS’s life as well. He seemed to regard it as a get out of jail free card and initially it worked because I couldn’t believe he would say it and not be truthful. We eventually split up over his affair but in the lead up to that he had a severe porn addiction and behaved in a way very similar to that you describe. If you can see any credit card bills porn shows up as something innocuous like ‘Digibill’. I hope you are able to discover the truth.

[Puddlegum]

Thanks so much everyone. I'm not a technophobe by any means. However, I checked his phone once a few months ago (very wrong of me, I know!!) and he knew as I had apparently left his emails open in an obvious way. I didn't find anything suspicious of course!! I would be so grateful if somebody could explain what to do in a way that a computer programmer won't catch on. I'm nearly sure he's lying but don't want to get caught snooping.

[Puddlegum]

I essentially want proof that this isn't all in my head even though my gut instinct tells me it's not.

[Puddlegum]

@CamberGirl I would be so grateful if you could find that out for me.

[LittleFeileFooFoo]

You know, you don't actually need a reason to break up/leave someone. You can just say that you are not happy and moving on.
That's ok, you don't have to catch him out. You can just be tired of his lying ways.

[Puddlegum]

@LittleFeileFooFoo Thank you. I know I can but what if I'm wrong? He completely denied he was up to anything.