Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Obsession with my DP please help

(30 Posts)
PinkTeletubby101 Sun 18-Feb-18 02:30:10

Someone please help me. I know I will be judged but please just advise.

Been with DP since we were 16. Both now 26, 2 children (6&3 YO) and a mortgage. In the 10 years we have been together he has cheated on me twice. Once when we first bought our house (21 years old) and another time a year ago. The first time I could forgive as we were young and he left for 2 weeks and came crawling back. The second time was totally different. He had an emotional affair with a work colleague, I found out by him being emotionally distant so I checked his mobile phone bills, and he finished with me for 2 months. He come back but still spoke to her and dropped OW to work and took her out once behind my back. It has literally broken me. Now fast forward a year on, he has recently moved job to try and make us better but it hasn't. I feel it's made us worse as I feel like he is distant again yet he says it's because he doesn't like this new job.

Our arguments escalate really really bad. I am obsessed still with OW slightly, I even made a fake snapchat account & Instagram to stalk her. I even stalked my DP by tracking his phone for a few months after it all happened. I can't let him go and I really want to. I have panic attacks without him I am so dependant on him and I don't want to be at all. I STILL shamefully check his phone bills (I am so ashamed about this). I am not the same anymore I hate myself and I'm making myself sick. I think I have an obsessive personality. We have been arguing every day because he isn't giving me the affection I need. I know I have something wrong with me psychologically but I don't know what - when he is gone (as in moved back to his mums), I feel like I can't cope, I want to stay in bed and wallow, I uncontrollably cry.

Example - tonight has triggered me to post because I want help with how to get out of this/have strength to be a better parent and have rid of him. He went out tonight with a work friend at 5 o'clock, said he would get last train home at 12. He knows how uneasy I feel about him going out with his old work friends but did not reassure me. I text him at 8 asking how his night was going and I had no reply. He had been on his phone and had ignored me. It gets to 1am and still not home. So I stupidly panicked and text his work friend saying "tell DP to call me". He called me to say he stayed out for another drink and is now getting a taxi home and what is my problem. My problem is he never bothered to tell me wtf was going on despite my anxiety about the whole night out. HAD ENOUGH. Yet i don't cope without him? When he left last time I was on AD's, didn't sleep at all and just text him all the time asking him why he had done this too me and our sons. My mental health is shot and I have a full time job to hold down - I'm practically a stalker.

MrsElvis Sun 18-Feb-18 02:36:41

I don't know the answers but I do understand. You don't know any other life Away from him. You were a teenager when you got together. Of course everything crumbles when he's gone if he's your whole world. It makes sense how you can't picture life without him

Grunkle Sun 18-Feb-18 03:04:39

Oh op.

How long were you apart the last time? Was it only two weeks?

The length of time is important because if he was only gone for a few weeks or months, it's actually normal for you to be a total mess for that time period, longer than that even..

Just trying to get a sense of whether your feelings when you're apart are within the realm of normal. If they are, then to get shut of him, all you need do is prepare for those very normal (horrible) feelings and get through them once, then you'll be free.

sadiesnakes Sun 18-Feb-18 03:14:17

Op I feel so bad for you. He's ruined your confidence and any trust you had in your relationship and he's not really bothering to actually help fix things. Your not obsessed at all, your just terrified, and the way you are acting is perfectly justifiable after all he's done and the way he's treating you. It will take years of him fixing what he's done, ie being totally open with you, total access to his phone, emails, etc, reassurances when he's going out, making regular contact to show you he means to never cheat on you again. Broken trust takes years to mend, if ever really. Take your time OP, build your confidence, try to become more independent, get a job, start new hobby's, above all find good friends to support you, these things take time. Try to lessen your codependency on him as much as possible. Then you will naturally be strong enough to tell him to fuck off if that's what you want and it's probably what he deserves. Good luck opthanks

Grunkle Sun 18-Feb-18 03:21:28

And you are not going to be judged love. You are very clearly in distress and you need/deserve nothing but support. You are not a bad person!

TracyL74 Sun 18-Feb-18 03:44:36

You're not sure obsessed at all. He's done nothing to reassure you and make you feel valued. By not answering your text deliberately he knew you'd feel that way but didn't care. Instead he makes it sound like you're the one with the problem.
It's hard but maybe start to show you don't care. Treat him the same way he does you. Go out with your friends saying you'll be back a certain time and come back later. Time for him to have the same treatment and worries you do. Might make him think. If not, then perhaps counselling to air where you are in your relationship and why.

ChickenMom Sun 18-Feb-18 03:49:42

No-one will judge you. You need some help through this. You can’t do it on your own. Please book to see a professional therapist. Somebody who can help you through this. I’m a confident person but I’d be as upset as you in your situation. His behaviour is terrible. Please rally all your friends and family for support. After everything that has happened, he really shouldn’t be going out drinking with old work colleagues. When is he taking you out? What is he doing to make your relationship work? It sounds like he’s taken you for granted and he is now abusing your affection for him. Might be a good idea to do some assertive/self confidence courses. Google women’s aid freedom programme. You are strong enough, he’s just worn you down so much that you think you can’t live without him. We are all here to support you

bluepears Sun 18-Feb-18 04:15:55

'I even made a fake snapchat account & Instagram to stalk her. I even stalked my DP by tracking his phone for a few months after it all happened' thats a crime simple mumsnet should report this thread to the police

CastielIsMyAngel Sun 18-Feb-18 04:40:05

bluepears That's nice and helpful hmm

spagbolface Sun 18-Feb-18 04:56:49

I have been through something similar myself OP, and it was hell I was a mess too, must say it has to be one of the worst times of my life. This was 2 years ago now, I thought my life would be over when my ex left me, for 6 months he told me we were going to get back together and it never happened, turned out he was obviously texting and seeing girls while we were split but always kept me hanging there! I never went to the doctors but knew I was depressed, I’d go shopping and randomly burst into tears I wouldn’t want to leave the house and barely ate.

My only advice is to leave him, he’s not going to change and think of your life in 10 - 20 years from now? You are still so young! You could meet someone else and be so happy. I get that it’s the hardest thing ever getting the courage to leave someone I used to think I’d literally not be able to cope without my ex but I did. And after those 6 months he came crawling back, and I told him to do one! I was also told I was paranoid, mentally ill etc when it was all him making me feel that way.

It’s hard at first but it does get easier I promise you!

Cavender Sun 18-Feb-18 05:16:57

If he cheated on you and wants to make things right, he should be doing everything reasonable he can to help you feel that you can trust him.

So:

Letting you know where he is.
Staying in contact
Coming home when he said he would
Staying away from the OW

If he can’t do those things (which aren’t difficult) you need to consider why not.

How serious is he about the marriage?

flowers you need to start making a plan. Do you have family or friends who can help you work through this?

Coyoacan Sun 18-Feb-18 05:45:55

I think it is perfectly normal that you are afraid of being on your own as you have never had to live by yourself before. And that fear is now dictating your actions. You might do well to find a good counsellor for the moment and take Vitamin B supplements as Vitamin B is excellent for your nerves.

TeddyIsaHe Sun 18-Feb-18 05:53:39

Oh op I was in the exact sam situation as you a year ago. The insane jealousy and constantly trying to catch him out in a lie. It broke me, and I’m sure it’s doing the same to you.

You can be without him, I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you absolutely can. It will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but in a years time you will be so happy, and so free and you’ll rank past you for finding the strength to leave every single day. That I can promise.

TeddyIsaHe Sun 18-Feb-18 05:53:50

*thank

BoomBoomsCousin Sun 18-Feb-18 06:03:33

As others have said, it isn’t surprising that you find the idea of being without him so difficult. But I think you’re also seeing that you really lost him when he had that second affair, and all the anxiety and obsessiveness is because you don’t have the husband you thought you had. You are already bereft, but not in a situation where you can get past that terror of being on your own, get over the sensation of drowning, strike out for shore and live your own life. Instead you are splashing around in the water reaching out to try and hold onto him and he’s constantly knocking your hand away and letting you go under.

You might need ADs and other help for quite some time to help you get past him. That’s OK. It’s not a race. You’ll get to solid ground in the end. You need to take the plunge, trust that there’s a better life for you, that you are enough and keep looking for different ways to get you through it.

The path you are on now, staying with him, there’s not really an end in sight is there?

Psychobabble123 Sun 18-Feb-18 07:04:08

Oh OP, I know how you feel all too well. Always here to listen/a shoulder to cry on, Just PM me flowers

PinkTeletubby101 Sun 18-Feb-18 08:33:04

Thank you all for your replies. I got to sleep about 4am last night and he’s now still in bed. He stopped speaking to OW last April when I caught him out and he swore he wanted the family life. He then did everything to try make things better which makes me feel worse: he was texting me all the time, Making an effort, searching for a new job. She then went on to night shifts so I know they never seen each other. December just gone I was still a mess over it, nothing DP did to make it right was good enough. He even secured another job elsewhere just to make things right between us apparently.so his previous job was his only ever job and he was there over 7 years. So December I was still taking everything out on him , then one night after he had lots to drink we had a huge argument and he said all of the arguments are making him suicidle. He went into the kitchen and slit his wrist completely, in front of me. He nearly died. As soon as he did it I got a towel, wrapped it around his arm and screamed at him to get in car. Following that he had to have an hours surgery to fix the wound back together and severed two tenants. The hospital never give him any ADs despite him going to th doctors about depression over a year ago. After this I STILL let him talk me around and he says “I know I did wrong but you pushed me to do this and now I have To live with this scar for the rest of my life. On my deathbed I’ll have this scar because of all the shit we have been through”. So now he’s started a new senior role (£35k a year), Hates it and comes home depressed and shows meno affection. He says it’s the job and he’s sticking it out but says he can’t bare coming home for me to go on. I wouldn’t go on if he give me what I need. He says “am I nit allowed to feel Down”. I do genuinely want him gone. I did nothing wrong last night. He is still in bed whilst I do all the house work now. What do I do next without having a breakdown ?

Abouttoblow Sun 18-Feb-18 08:37:46

Bluepears Report an anonymous stranger on the internet to the police? Really? hmm

Bluntness100 Sun 18-Feb-18 08:42:17

I think you need to speak to your gp and seek some help. This is really unhealthy what you describe and you both have children.

At some point uou need to stop crucifying him. If you can't trust him again, then yes it needs to end. As said, seek help, if for no other reason, than you cannot bring children up in this environment.

SandyY2K Sun 18-Feb-18 08:51:42

I think you'd benefit from counselling with everything going on.

Your partner knows you won't leave him no matter what he does. It's like he resents you for having a job he doesnt like...and your punishment is the moodiness.

Yet he forgets why he had to change jobs in the first place.

Do you honestly think he'd be so forgiving if the shoe was on the other foot?

Another thing to bear in mind is that people change...you got together as kids..you will have both changed and maybe he feels he didn't get the opportunity to play the field...that's no excuse to cheat...

Relationships need to be balanced...it looks like you care alot more than he does.

Ledkr Sun 18-Feb-18 08:58:51

Op it's a lovely feeling when you are finally free of a destructive relationship like this.
I have had a couple and the relief when I finally ended it was immense.
There is a lovely calm and peaceful existence out there, there really is.
One where you aren't second guessing someone's moves or aren't anxious every time they leave the house.
You need to seek some individual counselling for yourself to help you to come to terms with being alone.

Sorry but bluepears Are you mad? 😳😳

Thinkingofausername1 Sun 18-Feb-18 15:51:16

Hi op. I think you should just leave him. This is not healthy.
There are benefits, that you would be entitled to if you are financially dependent on him. It sounds, like you need to rediscover who you are. then when you do you will eventually, find someone who does treat you how you deserve.

PatchworkWomble Sun 18-Feb-18 17:03:54

OP, do you think that being with him during such formative years has resulted in you not having your own identity? I ask as I went through similar myself (was together from 14-23) and I couldn't see myself or life without him, in spite of the fact that I was a paranoid and miserable mess for the last few years of our relationship. I lost all sight of myself and it was awful.

Sometimes you don't realise the extent that someone negatively impacts your life until they are removed. Once I finally mustered the strength to ask him to leave, there was about a year of Facebook stalking and the like but gradually I grew confidence, made friends, discovered new interests and went on dates. It was like a weight had been lifted. The person I am now cannot believe I put up with living that way for so long, with him treating me how he did.

You deserve a better life OP and it will be yours as soon as you stop convincing yourself that you need this man. You have an exciting journey of self discovery ahead of you, admittedly it isn't easy at first but it gets better, much better. Get some counselling if you need to, do whatever you need to do to find the strength to take the first step in creating a happier life and finding your own identity.

RainbowDash09 Sun 18-Feb-18 17:40:57

bluepears FS you alright there? 🙄 this girl needs help and support?

pink teletubby I saw your thread, read your post and could not just leave. I identified with some parts and I just saw a complete meltdown.

It has been over a year now since I found out.
I have been on AD, so has DH. I have had utter meltdowns. I went to counselling, both individual and couple but I made two mistakes
1. My individual counselling was with the same counsellor as the couple counselling
2. Honestly I’m my desperation I got into my head that couples counselling would treat the direct cause, so to speak. This is SO not true.

I found a new counsellor. In fact DH doesn’t even know who she is or where she is based. She is for ME

Having this individual counselling really has helped me. This woman is proactive, encouraging of my happiness and gets me to listen to the things I refuse to hear.

In turn, this relationship is improving, in tiny steps.

Now I won’t say couples counselling hasn’t helped, because it has made us talk about things in depths we would never have before, or ever.

If anything, just for tonight, I want you to google Esther Perel’s TED talk, take 20 mins to sit down and listen.

My fear is your OH isn’t having true remorse. However there comes a point where you can’t keep battering the guy down for what happened. That’s tough to stop, for sure! But how can things ever improve otherwise?

No matter what happens, watch that talk, check out some counselling. Even if it’s just one or two sessions, just to get a taste for it. You are the important one here and you need to be able to breathe again

PinkTeletubby101 Sun 18-Feb-18 19:07:59

Thank you so much for all your replies. I really really appreciate it. TRuth of the story is he was sorry, but now shows no remorse at all. Says I make no effort (partly true but I don't FEEL like I should). I can go about a day without feeling rubbish then I go into panic mode / can't breathe / feel lost. I had 2 sessions of councelling at university but never carried it on. I have a grad job full time now and every morning is a struggle and my boss is a cow which doesn't help. I KNOW what I need to do - it's mustering up the strength to be on my own. I work full time, DP works full time and boys are in full time school / nursery until 5pm mom - thurs. So I know it would be a 50:50 split with them. When it happened last time I felt ill, I even ended up calling simaritans. DH hates leaving the kids and our home, but enjoys the easy life at his mums having dinner cooked and watching TV/sky sports/sky movies at his mums in peace. I think I have a merged identity with him so to speak. It's the waking up in the night I can't cope with when he's gone - I am essentially co-dependant now. He's not, he still has football once a week and friends he can meet with. I want my boys to see what a relationship should be like, not one where "daddy" stops at "nannys" sometimes now and again (what my 6 YO says).

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: