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Is this financial control or should I work more?

(173 Posts)
ReginaPhalangeismyothername Sat 17-Feb-18 20:16:55

I've had another fall out with my husband about money. Here is our situation:
Husband works full time, sometimes late/sometimes weekends but self employed. He earns approx 12k a year, refuses to get a job to better our circumstances.
I also work part time, around 10 hours a week and attend college 2 full days a week.
I do all of the childcare, all of the house stuff, all of the running around for clubs etc.
I'm getting really frustrated as he takes all of the tax credits and child benefit, says he needs it for cash flow for his business and he pays the bills. He also manages to fund a weed addiction, drinks (at home) every weekend and smokes. I on the other hand have to buy the food with the money I earn and put petrol in the car, anything i have left goes on the kids clubs.
He seems to think I should work more if I'd like more money, however, I have tried going back to work full time and ended up doing everything for the children and the house and having a full time job. He basically wants me to work as long as it doesn't affect him. I'm tempted to get more hours and tell him he needs to fund half of the childcare.
I'm fed up of never having any money to buy some jeans if I need them or a lunch with a friend. I always have to ask him if I need money and sometimes its fine, he has it to give me. Othertimes he doesn't have it ( while chugging away on a fag and beer).
It's been sparked tonight by me asking if we can call into my ikea as we are passing. He said I need to work more To earn the money if I want to go there ( I've had a list of some bits we need for about 9 months but never had the money). He is off out tonighT to spend probably about £50 celebrating a family members birthday.
I know if we separated id be better off or at the least, in control of my own money.

fussygalore118 Sat 17-Feb-18 20:20:41

He sounds like a catch...not.

It sounds like you'd be better off on your own!

ziggzagg Sat 17-Feb-18 20:22:24

What @fussygalore118 said with bells on!!

starryeyed19 Sat 17-Feb-18 20:22:33

Fuck that noise. The tax credits and child benefit should be spent on the family, not his business.

SometimesMaybe Sat 17-Feb-18 20:23:06

You have answered your own question. If you separate you will have your salary and benefits and you could work more hours without having to pick up his slack at home too. (I assume your college course would put you in a position to increase your earning capacity?)
If you are doing without lunches and jeans etc now I would suck it up for a couple more years and have your freedom and get rid of his dead weight.
(Though how does he earn only 12k? If he’s full time that’s way less than min wage and a waste of his time)

pog100 Sat 17-Feb-18 20:23:45

If you would be better off on your own, yet he controls the purse strings of course it's financial abuse. It's pretty obvious you write be better off without him even non financially. Just do it. You won't regret it. He will but that just proves the point.

Quartz2208 Sat 17-Feb-18 20:23:53

Lazy and financially abusive. Leave and get the credits and benefits in your name

Snowydaysarehere Sat 17-Feb-18 20:25:09

You have good grounds for divorce op. Go for it.

Hellywelly10 Sat 17-Feb-18 20:25:22

Yes he's controling. The benefits are for the kids not him.

ReginaPhalangeismyothername Sat 17-Feb-18 20:30:18

It's just scary. I've gone from having a really good job myself and independent to not being any of those things. Yes, I am aiming to retrain for a new career so I can support myself and my dc without relying on anyone else, I dont like not being in control of my own life.
I know on paper it looks so straightforward, it's so hard in real life. It would break my dc's hearts. I wouldn't ever want to be in another relationship, I feel completely taken advantage of.

Thingsdogetbetter Sat 17-Feb-18 20:35:03

Have you seen his bank statements, tax forms cos 12k seens be very little for all those hours?! Is he being honest or could his habits be costing more than you know?

Ask him to sit down and write out two honest budgets, one where you continue as now, one where you include you working full time and childcare. Include his fag/weed/drink as leisure and insist that you too are entitled to extras.

Also work out what benefits you would be entitled to if you did ask him to leave. What is your housing situation? Will you be able to get him to leave?

If he's not willing to fairly distribute the family money, serious consider if this relationship is worth all the hard work you seem to be doing to keep it going.

Personally, i think he sounds like a selfish fucker!

ReginaPhalangeismyothername Sat 17-Feb-18 20:47:05

He might earn slightly more this year but prob only about 16k or so. I feel like he seems to think I am being work shy by wanting to retrain. I did work more in my current job but have recently lost a few customers that I haven't replaced so I have 2 afternoons off in the week. I've just enquired about working on a sat night flexibly which he isn't keen on, because it affects his downtime presumably.
He's slowly taken all the control of the money and explains it away that he is covering all the bills.....

ReginaPhalangeismyothername Sat 17-Feb-18 20:47:53

We live in our mortgaged house btw

Quartz2208 Sat 17-Feb-18 20:54:57

What do you think would happen if you talked to him as that is telling as to whether the control and abuse goes beyond financial

And your dc would be better in an environment where you are happy not one where their dad smokes

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 17-Feb-18 20:54:58


What do you get out of this relationship?.

Why do you state it would it break their hearts if you were to leave him; that is your perception only and you cannot speak for them.

It is not easy at all to leave a relationship but staying within this relationship now is a lot bloody harder as well as teaching your children damaging lessons re same.

It would NOT break your DCs hearts to leave their father and he can still see them post separation (although this man will still likely continue to let them down). He is not example of how a father should be to his children and is no decent husband to you either.

ReginaPhalangeismyothername Sat 17-Feb-18 21:05:38

My eldest talks about her school friends who's parents have separated and has said how glad she is that we all live together. It would hit her the hardest (8yo). To be honest though, they are both very attached to me so I know they would be ok after the initial upset.
He has tried to give up all his addictions (without go help) and it has driven him to near insanity so it's almost like he has just gone "oh well, I've tried and I can't do it so I HAVE to carry on and it will be funded by hook or by crook.
It's interesting when you ask what I get out of it...not a lot. Sometimes we have a good chuckle but we lead quite separate lives, there is me and the dc and sometimes he joins in when it suits. I worry about where he would live, he couldn't afford anywhere on his own so how would he see the dc?

ReginaPhalangeismyothername Sat 17-Feb-18 21:08:03

If I talked to him he would say there is no way it could change as he wouldn't be able to work without the tax credits to buy materials enabling him to earn a living.

LuxuryWoman2017 Sat 17-Feb-18 21:09:43

Worry about yourself not him. I'm quite serious, he drinks, takes drugs and smokes. Very selfish man.

ReginaPhalangeismyothername Sat 17-Feb-18 21:11:38

He seems to think as he doesn't go to the pub or out at the weekends that he is within his rights, that all men who are at work all week go to the pub all weekend so he's not as bad as that!

NoSquirrels Sat 17-Feb-18 21:17:03

He needs an employer - he’s clearly not cut out for being self-employed.

You need a divorce, and control of your money.

Your 8 year old mentions that she doesn’t want you to split up because the unknown is scary and because she can see your relationship is not great so it worries her. If you split up the “worse” will already have happened and she’ll see it’s OK - better, in fact. Take her worries away.

You shouldn’t put up with this. It is financial abuse.

Thistlebelle Sat 17-Feb-18 21:20:16

I would find it very hard to have any respect for a man who smokes and drinks family money while his wife and children go without.

I’d be pushing harder for complete financial transparency for a kickoff.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 17-Feb-18 21:21:28

I did not think you got much if anything out of this relationship so why are you together still?.

Your 8 year old is learning damaging lessons on relationships, would you want her to be with such a man as an adult herself?. No you would not but currently at least you are showing her that he and in turn his treatment of you all is still acceptable to you on some level. Living separate lives is not good either, this type of relationship of unequals could become their norm too.

The tax credits are for your children, not for ploughing into or otherwise propping up his business.

It matters not where he lives in the long term; that should not be any concern of yours. Do not let your own caring nature put you off guard like this. He has not given you an ounce of consideration; all he cares about is getting his own needs met in terms of drinking and cannabis.

Thistlebelle Sat 17-Feb-18 21:22:50

All men do not spend all weekend in the pub.

My DH doesn’t, nor does my Dad, my FIL or any of my friends’ husbands.

magoria Sat 17-Feb-18 21:23:19

So he is basically taking the £20 a week child benefit which is provided for children and spending it on drugs and drink for himself.

That is where it is going not 'cash flow' for his business.

Nice that he thinks you should earn more to provide for the children when he spends what is supposed to be for them on himself.

RandomMess Sat 17-Feb-18 21:25:57

He's awful, he's a cocklodger!!!

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