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Please help me hold everything together

(58 Posts)
ohforFucksSake900 Sat 17-Feb-18 16:52:28

Ive got a way out of the abuse but I'm scared. It's taken months to figure this out (it ain't simple, legal problems visa issues The Hague convention all play a part. Can't just up and leave.) I've found a way out but I need to make a move quick. Best time to do it is about 4 weeks from now. I know this logically. But I'm scared. Scared to take the leap. Scared to stand on my own (never done that before). Scared of being financially independent. I'm so scared.
Help me hold it together before I pass up what might be my only chance to go

Allthecoolkids Sat 17-Feb-18 16:54:26

You’re gonna be FINE. More than fine. You’re going to look back on this as the defining moment when stuff changed forever for the better smile

Baby steps. What needs sorting in the next four weeks?

ohforFucksSake900 Sat 17-Feb-18 16:57:29

Travel needs to be booked (will be 7ish hours domestic travel plus international flight back to the UK.) , siphoning as much money as possible out of the accounts without him noticing - I've been doing this for months and have it pretty "down" to be honest. couple of appointments need doing to collect a bit more evidence, have to consult with my solicitor (done from home on the phone) hiding stuff and packing up what I can without him noticing. Getting and keeping hold of documents without rousing suspicion before he goes away on business. Have to notify some agencies in the UK stop (SS plus consult with my solicitor in person asap after arrival as a court battle may ensue). Other stuff I've probably forgot but I have a bloody long list of shit to do (compiled after months of research.)

Allthecoolkids Sat 17-Feb-18 16:59:29

You sound strong. And more prepared than you think smile

Have you people in the UK who will help you once back?

DianaT1969 Sat 17-Feb-18 17:01:14


MrsElvis Sat 17-Feb-18 17:02:34

You're clever and organised. You've probably gone over everything you'll need to do 100 thousand times.

You're doing this for life to be better.

ohforFucksSake900 Sat 17-Feb-18 17:02:37

I don't feel at all strong. I feel terrified sad

I wish I had someone waiting for me, but I don't unfortunately and limited access to housing and benefits so it's all on me. I have some savings but I'll have to hit the ground running in terms of a lot of things to stand a chance as being in a non eu country has meant what I'm entitled to help wise is adversely effected. I'm a born and bred uk citizen (no other citizenships either.) but as I haven't been habitually resident this complicates things.
It all adds to the fear because if I crack it's all going to go to shit, the pressure is huge.

ohforFucksSake900 Sat 17-Feb-18 17:02:57


Wellfuckmeinbothears Sat 17-Feb-18 17:03:15

Well done op for getting this far. You absolutely can do this and you will be better than fine, you will be happy! You'll look back on how far you've come and be proud of yourself for getting away from the abuse.

You can do this x

ohforFucksSake900 Sat 17-Feb-18 17:11:04

I don't know if I can do this I feel myself wavering every so often sad
I've been focusing so much on finding a plan and there's been let downs, dashed hope, false hope and shit all along the way as well as constant fear and anxiety but now I've finally got everything in place and I need to start moving to actually get shit done I'm panicking. I'm terrified of all of it and I just want to bury my head in the sand I know I can't though

ohforFucksSake900 Sat 17-Feb-18 17:15:13

For his many many many faults I've never had to worry about basic survival (money/food/budgeting). That's probably the only thing I get out of the marriage, really. If you discount the walking on egg shells, bruises, abuse and everything negative that is.
And now I have to find myself starting to plan a life where everything's reliant on me and that's very scary.
I KNOW what I have to do but I'm just... god I don't know anymore!
Im scared of the change. I feel like I'm going around in circles but not actually saying anything (you all probably want to shake me).
I know my situation is unusual and to others it can be as (logically anyway) simple as to pack a bag and go to mums/women's aid/a friend. But is the crippling fear when you start to leave usual or am I just pathetic? sad

Allthecoolkids Sat 17-Feb-18 17:18:49

Of course you’re scared. Of course you are. It’s massive.

That doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do though. Fear isn’t rational.

Wellfuckmeinbothears Sat 17-Feb-18 17:21:48

Of course its normal and you are in no way pathetic but you can and must do this. It will be scary while you find your feet but it will be so so worth it.

When I left there were times I regretted leaving and wanted to go back but I knew I couldn't go back to that kind of abuse. I knew I would be happier eventually and I am.

It isn't going to be easy or straight forward, leaving any kind of relationship is hard let alone one where you have been abused and down trodden and programmed to think you're useless, you deserve it, you make him hit you etc. But it will be ok, you will be ok.

You can do this, your dc deserve better than living with an abusive father.


NameChangedForThisQ Sat 17-Feb-18 17:22:16

The fear is totally and completely 100% normal as is doubt and trying to talk yourself out of it. You sound absolutely fantastic.

For now it feels terrifying. But you're planning and organising and doing so well. Once you've left and your life's changed you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. I certainly did! And upull have a brand new life where no one will make you cry and where you can live freely!

taekwondo Sat 17-Feb-18 17:37:37

I think I remember you? A while back you posted about being stuck and pregnant and unable to leave because of having the children and being done for kidnap?

If that is you, I am so happy to read your update! Please try not to be scared, I know it's hard but what you're doing is the right thing

ohforFucksSake900 Sat 17-Feb-18 18:09:50

Quite likely me, no longer pregnant (instead have an extra DC! Was previously dc1 + bump). Have posted quite a few times before, just for a handhold and it's been helpful. I do semi regular NC, though.
It's been a relatively ok journey getting to this point. Probably because I haven't done much (action wise) but just setting everything up and running. Plus getting DC2 a passport was a bit of a nightmare but I have it now. Now it's just the rest of it now I've got the legal stuff down. It could get messy but solicitor thinks I have a very very good case. I may be required to report everything to the police (in the UK) to further strengthen it all; but I have a folder full of evidence - including bruises, broken bones, vicious messages, burns, nasty emails. Some of which directly admit abuse (one that springs to mind is "I did xxy horrific thing to you because you just wouldn't LISTEN to me about x!" So direct confessions) I might even be able to get hold of some CCTV in support of it all as I remember exact dates, times and locations of times he's attacked or hurt me in public. Two times I'm 100% sure there was CCTV there, too. So hopefully that can be brought up at some point.

I hope it'll all get better but ATM I'm faced with all consuming fear.
I do wish I'd done something earlier already as it would've been so much easier to pull off in the UK, or back when I did have people there I could rely on/stay withfor a bit. But I can't go back now.

sidsgranny Sat 17-Feb-18 18:23:02

I wouldn't normally post as I have no useful advice to offer but I just wanted to say how amazingly strong you seem OP. You CAN do this and it will be a better life for you and your DC. Stay strong and make the leap.

Am guessing you can't say where you will be in the UK but if you are going to a familiar area do you have some old friends you could re-connect with for support?

Wellfuckmeinbothears Sat 17-Feb-18 19:10:48

Make sure you keep a hold of that folder, it will be really useful to the police here in the uk.

You've done so well, keep going xx

ohforFucksSake900 Mon 19-Feb-18 04:54:51

I don't have anyone I'll be staying with/supported by.
Unfortunately I'm nc with a lot of my family and didn't really have many friends - I got with H straight out of school (at 16) and he was always quite isolating. Then when we moved here the few people I'd kept touch with had left and moved on.

ohforFucksSake900 Mon 19-Feb-18 04:56:05

I don't even know if I'll go back to where I'm from originally (a city in Wales).
My plan for now is just getting to safety in London (as that's where my flight goes) engaging with services, hunting for a job and hope to God I can carve something out of it all.

springydaff Mon 19-Feb-18 05:49:07

You really will be alright.

Once it all starts happening and you're on your way you'll wonder what you were worried about.

It's this bit, the run up, that is the worst. Don't be offended but as a single parent I went through absolute shit before I took the kids on an international holiday - it happened every time and I think it was the weight of everything down to me.

And that was just a holiday! ime the minute we got going I felt absolutely wonderful, excited, on our way. I genuinely think you will too.

Can you get in touch with WA so you have contacts for when you arrive? Helpline is 0808 2000 247 or try a local WA office - you may find it easier to get through as it's hard to get through on the helpline during the day (perhaps call at night, our night, and you should have a better chance).

Have you arranged somewhere to stay? Perhaps an air b+b apartment would be nice, cheaper and more friendly than a hotel. Can you afford it?

Perhaps if you get WA onside you may be eligible for a place in a refuge?

anyway, keep posting. You're doing marvellously, you really are. Well done for getting all that together, bravo bravo bravo flowers star

springydaff Mon 19-Feb-18 05:53:45

You know how to cover your tracks online, yes?

ohforFucksSake900 Mon 19-Feb-18 05:55:51

I've been in sporadic contact with women's aid and they were quite useless in the beginning (as was the british consulate) so I felt really stuck for a bit. They've said they want me to get in touch when I arrive and they'll "assess" me as well as helping me liase with social services. But I do feel worried because my eligibility (to council housing, certain benefits) etc is effected so I hope I can still access other help but no one will tell me what if anything I could get because they haven't assessed me yet.
Flights paid for now and I have approx (it's not transferred into £ yet) £14,000 which I know is a lot but I'll need to sort out an income soon because I know it won't last very long if I'm living in b+b/private accom (not like I'll get a lease with 0 income of any kind). First 3 days I'll be staying in a cheap hotel near ish to Heathrow which will hopefully give me time to contact a few people and get a better idea of where I stand on a lot of things (re support and so forth) and then find more convenient accomodation/any accomodation dependant on how contacting people worked out. I know I have the cash to make it work short term I just hope I can secure something before the money runs out

exitbreak Mon 19-Feb-18 06:00:53

It's sounds as though you've thought through everything and have planned very carefully. Well done you.

ohforFucksSake900 Mon 19-Feb-18 06:04:07

Yep I cover my tracks as well as I can.
Private browser and different app (I use chrome for other things eg grocery shopping but 2nd browser app for this) as well as only accessing mn and any things associated with leaving when he's asleep (it's a 3 floor house and my computer is several rooms + 1 floor away, I can always hear him coming. Creaky floorboards) or out of the house. It was my first consideration.
He thinks I'm a stupid bimbo baby making machine (his words not mine), so I hope by being a bit clued up I can continue to evade him for the last few weeks.

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