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Did you grow up with an abusive father?

(18 Posts)
Rach5l Sat 17-Feb-18 16:14:40

If your mother stayed would you rather she'd left him?
Or stayed because it meant you'd be poorer if she left?

I grew up with an emotionally & occ physically abusive father and I can remember that sick in the pit of my stomach feeling every time his car pulled up. Living with constant low level fear, it affects me still 40 years later. My self esteem, relationships, personality all shaped by living in fear of my father erupting.

The number of posts on here recently 'my dh is abusive but I can't leave because I don't have any money/the kids would miss their friends'!!

If you're living with violence I can understand why leaving is difficult but most of these men sound like pathetic weasels smashing chairs because their dinner isn't made or whatever.

* call women's aid/the police if necessary.
* pack his stuff & lock the doors
* file for divorce
* get a job
* apply for wtc/whatever other benefits
* enjoy living in a relaxed environment

ClementineWardrobe Sat 17-Feb-18 16:25:22

I did and I wish she'd left him; however I can understand why she stayed. We would all love to think we are strong enough to leave, it is so much easier said than done.

GeekyBlinders Sat 17-Feb-18 18:39:16

I did and I wish she'd left him. But she was disabled and she thought she couldn't support us. He wasn't abusive to her, just me - I do wonder if that was part of the reason she didn't go. She minimised it and told me not to provoke him (it was all emotional and physical, not sexual).

GeekyBlinders Sat 17-Feb-18 18:41:56

And I think it did shape my relationships with men. I went out with bastard after bastard, modelled on my dad, but now I'm in a really good relationship with a lovely man who is actually much more like it big brother (who incidentally did try to defend me as much as he could). The worst thing is that I see my dad's controlling ways mirrored in my own behaviour sometimes, for which I'm getting therapy.

TidyDancer Sat 17-Feb-18 18:42:13

My dad was emotionally/psychologically abusive and on occasion physically too. Yes I wish my mum had left him but I understand why she didn't. I was an adult when she got rid of him.

Loulou0 Sat 17-Feb-18 18:46:40

* I can remember that sick in the pit of my stomach feeling every time his car pulled up*
This!
God it was horrible.
I'm 40 now and still have nightmares about him being in my house.
He's dead thankfully but he was a vile person who enjoyed hurting and scaring me and my brothers.
My mother stayed with him until he died and cried genuine tears at his funeral.

Ultrasonica Sat 17-Feb-18 19:12:57

I can remember that sick in the pit of my stomach feeling every time his car pulled up.

His key in the door = brick in my stomach. Violent (probably) Alcoholic gambler.

Mother left lots of times but always went back.

Died when I was 14. I have never visited his grave or shed a tear for him.

WeAreGerbil Sat 17-Feb-18 19:17:17

I wish my DM had left, I am now 49 and it's still affecting me, I developed borderline personality disorder, and although I'm now mostly okay I am not good in relationships and I have physical health problems that I think stem from my abusive childhood (there is plenty of evidence around the link). My dad kept losing / walking out of jobs so my DM was the breadwinner but she still didn't leave.

Mammysin Sat 17-Feb-18 19:22:24

Yes Dad was an alcoholic. He has a great business but lost it. He had cirrhosis by 37. He beat Mum up or locked her out. He was once sexually inappropriate with me (aged 7). One sister married someone who is very like Dad. He dropped dead two weeks before my wedding- a relief all round. Lots of ongoing fallout still ...

BigPizzaPie Sat 17-Feb-18 19:24:36

My father wasn't directly abusive to me/siblings, but he was abusive to my mum - mostly dreadful verbal and emotional abuse, occasional violence and threats of violence. I identify with the feeling of dread others have mentioned when he turned the key in the door...

My mum fled from him, taking us with her, after 10 years of marriage. She had absolutely nothing, and we slept on various friends' sofas for months. It was a horrible time, to be honest, and she eventually went back to him after about 6 months as she felt us kids were suffering too much having no home as a base.

He really amped up the abuse after that, and I remember wishing to GOD we could run away again.

Then one day I came home from school and my mum had changed the locks and put all of his things on the doorstep. She got a solicitor and an injunction against him and filed for divorce.

I admire my mum so much for it. She gave us kids a peaceful home, free from all the shouting, bad atmospheres and nasty behaviour.

Callamia Sat 17-Feb-18 19:29:05

Yes. As an adult, I realise that he is a produce of his own highly abusive father.

He was verbally and sometimes physically cruel to us, and I wished we could leave him so many times. We used to ask my mum if we could live at my nan’s.

I know that life would not have been easy if we had left. My mum told me recently that she didn’t want to live in a council flat with us. She wasn’t being a snob, or hysterical, there just weren’t very many attractive options for a mother and two kids with a very low wage. I don’t blame her, and I’m sorry she ever had to have that consideration.

They are still together, and I think now they’re stuck. He is now ill, and unable to be quite such the bully. My mum doesn’t care about ‘keeping the peace’, and I just let them get on with it now. I don’t understand their relationship, and I don’t expect to now.

I have been affected. I had an eating disorder through my teens and early twenties. It was definitely born of a wish for control over an over-controlling father. However, I have had counselling, and would love some more. I have married someone who is far away from being like my dad, and I feel like we’ve broken that line of anger and abuse. My brother has also done well, and is a far sunnier person that our dad too.

NotAsYoungAsIWas Sat 17-Feb-18 19:42:04

Not really relevant to what you’re asking but . . . . . . I grew up with an abusive father (I’m the youngest of three girls) My mother left him but left us with him! It was horrendous and lasted until I moved out at the age of 16. I’m v happily married and have been for almost thirty years now and have four children. Im a dedicated mum as I know how it feels not to have one and I’m a successful business owner but it only takes a bad dream to take me back to being 10 again.

WeAreGerbil Sat 17-Feb-18 19:46:39

Actually a positive is that I think it's made me a really good parent (my DD tells me I am anyway), although I think she has picked up a bit on my anxiety, but I have paid for her to have therapy and she seems to have come through the worst of it.

QueenOfGaviscon Sat 17-Feb-18 19:48:24

My DF was very abusive. DM is a diamond and left him. We were piss poor. I had to work illegally at the age of 14 due to so many complications- so that we could pay bills etc.

But she's put me in amazing stead and showed me what a loving relationship does and doesn't look like. I'm now very happily married with 1 DC & No2 on the way.

ASimpleLampoon Sat 17-Feb-18 20:27:29

Yes. I have been NC for three years and he won't accept that I want nothing to do with him. My mother is a spineless, pathetic cow who threw me under the bus as much as possible to save her own skin. I wish she'd left but they are just as bad as each other. They are quite well off and I can't help thinking my mother sold me out to keep her lifestyle. My golden child sibling has been paid off handsomely to deny the abuse he saw with his own eyes, and has conveniently forgotten the abuse I shielded him from, sometimes taking the hit myself to save him. I am poor but my children are happy.

Mousewatch Sat 17-Feb-18 20:44:59

I did.

I wish she would have managed to get away. She tried once and was waiting to be collected and he found us.

I block a lot out but what I do remember is awful. Thankfully he died when I was a young teen but the damage had been done.

My poor dm, I don't know how she had the strength to carry on some days.

It made me determined to never be with someone like him and thankfully I'm not. The same can't be said for my siblings though sad

I remember feeling so relieved when I was told he had died. I'm not sure what sort of person that makes me but we were finally free and that felt amazing.

littlepill Sat 17-Feb-18 20:47:27

I dreamed of us leaving but my mum died young - I believe her illness was caused by the stress of being with him. I am ok but I don’t take any crap and left my DH for a lot less.

CreativeMumma Sat 17-Feb-18 21:05:10

i could have written your post.
I honestly feel life would have been better had we left and can see her why she stayed. She did leave, but only once i had left home. I've been NC with him for over 11 years and life has improved with no more mind games.

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