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How can I have been so stupid

(521 Posts)
Fuzzywig1 Fri 16-Feb-18 08:40:23

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Fri 16-Feb-18 08:47:13

Do you still love your dh?
Has he been a supportive husband and a good, hands on, father?

ShatnersWig Fri 16-Feb-18 08:47:38

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

So why are you here then? What are you wanting us to do or say?

Leave your poor husband. You don't care about him one bit. It's all about you, your children (rightly) and how much you will hurt the OM. There's nothing about your husband.

He deserves better than you.

MyOtherProfile Fri 16-Feb-18 08:49:23

What has made you decide you can't do this?

Distance yourself from om and focus on rebuilding with your dh for a while. See how that goes.

MyOtherProfile Fri 16-Feb-18 08:49:57

Good point Shatners

SandyY2K Fri 16-Feb-18 08:52:10

Oh dear. What a mess you've gotten into.

Do you love your DH?
Do you love the OM?

Does he have kids?
Does his wife know why he left?

If the OM didnt come you think you'd have stayed and been happy?

Think about the future...Will you be happy with the OM?
How about your children? Are they going to have a new stepfather?

Have you ever spoken to your DH about being emotionally distant? ..and how much of it is an issue? Or is it a convenient justification.

SandyY2K Fri 16-Feb-18 08:53:31

So why are you here then? What are you wanting us to do or say

I think she's saying she doesnt need insults hurled and being told how awful she is.

JaneEyre70 Fri 16-Feb-18 08:55:00

You're not happy. You are warm and affectionate, your DH isn't. And nothing is going to change who either of you are. You want more, and that's fine but don't mess your DH around in the process. End your marriage fairly and decently, and just be honest with him. That way you stand a decent chance of being able to parent your children together.
We only get one life, and it's too short to be miserable and unhappy. But cheating on a decent partner is never the answer.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Fri 16-Feb-18 08:57:07

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them.

Well tbh if that's the case you should have thought about it before you started shagging some one else really.

springydaff Fri 16-Feb-18 08:57:54

Well, on paper, I wouldn't be trusting the dramatic moves of the om.

Eg he gets in touch with you, says you're the love of his life (or words to that effect), does something very dramatic ie leave his wife . All a bit OTT imo and high drama.

And now you're in a maelstrom of high drama. There's something off about it all from where I'm standing. Maybe I don't get all this high drama, this intense 'I have to be with you or I'll die'.

If it was just you and DH then things would be different. But you've young kids potentially crushed in this romantic tornado, which changes everything.

You don't owe the om anything at all. It was his choice to leave his wife and has no bearing whatsoever on what you decide to do. He sent an email to you, clearly making a play for you, knowing you were both married. I'm not so keen on his methods. I instinctively don't trust the high drama way he's gone about this.

All marriages have their weaknesses. It sounds like you've been emotionally seduced and are all in a lather about someone who doesn't sound too great if I'm honest.

Your kids come first.

Somerville Fri 16-Feb-18 08:58:19

Is there really anything left to salvage in your marriage? And if you think there is, does your husband know the full extent of your affair (sex, emotions, plans to leave etc...) and agree? If you both feel there is something salvageable then perhaps intensive counselling. Perhaps. Otherwise leave him.

But whatever you do, don't move in with OM. End it with him - you need to focus on your children and on your relationship with their father (even if that is just co-parenting with him). An immediate step-father is the last thing your kids would need after you'd fucked up their homelife. And you and OM would constantly be looking over shoulders expecting the worst from each other, anyway. You're both cheaters and you both know it.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Fri 16-Feb-18 09:07:38

It sounds as though you and the OM haven't matured emotionally at all in 30 years. I reckon this teenage romance will have as much longevity as it did last time.

SundaysFunday Fri 16-Feb-18 09:10:10

Your DH sounds like a good man, he doesn't deserve you.

Fuzzywig1 Fri 16-Feb-18 09:16:54

Yes I do love my husband. But in a different way. It is almost maternal.

Also I earn dramatically more than my husband and if I leave him I can’t bear the thought of him living somewhere horrid and being lonely.

I suppose I did not write about him as I spend so much time each day thinking about it it is almost just there, as in poor poor man.

However it is also true that I do feel some resentment towards him and that he is a bit lazy and I am the opposite (I mean in everything not just physically)

Yes he is a very loving father but he is also a bit of a child there ie he lets me do all the discipline really.

And yes you are right I should have thought about that but if you have not been in this situation you may not know how small incremental steps happen and you are suddenly caught in a maelstrom.

mummmy2017 Fri 16-Feb-18 09:17:26

So your husband is saying you should stay together, and is it a case of the Lust for the OM has gone, or just you can't inflict that much pain on your family?

Fuzzywig1 Fri 16-Feb-18 09:18:04

Also I have no intention of moving in with him immediately

The ‘plan ‘ was to separate and co parent and then to move in together when the children were ready eg in 2 years or so.

nursy1 Fri 16-Feb-18 09:18:07

I don’t think we need to be apportioning blame here. OP has seen all the issues but has been a bit love struck and done something daft.
I think as others have mentioned, are the fundamentals of your marriage ok. If it hadn’t been for this OM arriving on the scene were you happy enough with the relationship? If you were then finish it immediately and irrevocably with OM. He took a risk contacting you and it did not pay off. That’s not your problem now if you are committing to the marriage.
Be aware it will take a few years to repair this and a lot of effort. Your husband is in denial but no doubt deeply hurt. The mattiage will not just sail on as normal

springydaff Fri 16-Feb-18 09:22:32

There's a thread on here by a woman who is loitering on the edge of said maelstrom (at the school gates hmm) and biting off anyone's head who suggests she's playing with fire. but you know all about that.

You may want to leave your husband but don't go to this man. He doesn't sound like a good bet apart from everything else.

MiddleAgedMe Fri 16-Feb-18 09:22:37

Shatners, is there any need to be so harsh? She's not proud of herself and we're all fallible! Either be constructive or just stop trolling!

sallyandherarmy Fri 16-Feb-18 09:22:51

You need to step away from both of them.

Everybody is going to get hurt - goes without saying, but the one that matters the least is YOU.

You have caused this to happen, you let it happen, you even encouraged it by agreeing to meet him.

You are 52, not some lovelorn teenager!

Maybe the person you need to be the most honest with is yourself.

flipperflop Fri 16-Feb-18 09:23:35

You only live once...if you think it is true love then maybe you need to take a leap of faith..

Fuzzywig1 Fri 16-Feb-18 09:24:01

Also yes many times I tried to speak to my husband about our marriage and tried to get him to go to counselling but he did not want to.

We did go to one session when he first found out.

All he wants is me to stay in the marriage

He feels I am vulnerable to the OM because he broke my heart

nursy1 Fri 16-Feb-18 09:24:29

Also to mention Fuzzy if you do separate and you are the one leaving the family home then if DH has provided the bulk of childcare he will be staying there, not going off to live somewhere horrid. That might well be you. You have to provide continuity for those children as much as possible. Sorry I don’t know all the nuances but that seems a likely scenario

springydaff Fri 16-Feb-18 09:29:24

Plus in the settlement he would get a fair chunk of the marital assets. If he is the RP he would get more than a fair chunk.

WitchesHatRim Fri 16-Feb-18 09:32:31

The ‘plan ‘ was to separate and co parent and then to move in together when the children were ready eg in 2 years or so.

Well how nice that you have your life together planned out.

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