I posted a few weeks ago about my mum being overbearing with my son and sneaking him money. We haven’t seen her since and I was just planning on keeping my distance from her, not visiting as much. I think it’s relevant that she retired a few months ago and suddenly has a lot more time on her hands and a lot less to occupy her mind. I don’t mean that to be condescending but she had a very full on job managing lots of people that she absolutely loved. It was her career she worked hard for since she was 18. It’s now gone so I’m sure she feels at a loss.
Today I came home from work at lunch and she was in my house taking a wash out of my washing machine. My 12yo is on midterm break so he was home but she wouldn’t have known that until she came to the house and she does have a key but I’m not sure if she’d have gone in had she found no-one Home. The washing was my washing. She had gone round the house collecting laundry and put on as many loads as she could get done. I have no idea how long she had been there. She had also hoovered and reordered my fridge as apparently I had my bread on the wrong shelves. 
DS was tidying his room (I had asked him to do that before I went to work anyway) so I came home and didn’t have long before I had to go back to work, was hoping to grab something quick to eat. Instead she dumped the wet washing in my arms and told me to hang it outside. I said I don’t hang it out on days like today because it just doesn’t dry at all so it’s extra work having to bring it in later and rehang inside. It’s a sheltered north facing garden and even the ground stays damp. She muttered and mumbled about getting it out so I obliged because I could face a row. She kept saying “it’s all a help” (meaning what she was doing was helping me) I thanked her and hoped she would go but no, she went off to put DSs school shirts in. This is actually his job, he does it on a Friday but she disagrees with him having to do it himself. Anyway she put them in and went off to pester him and kept coming back looking for a dustpan and brush and a bin bag and asking where such and such went to the extent where it was easier for me just to get the stuff and do it myself. It came time for me to go back to work and she was showing no signs of leaving I said thanks for all your help and she started muttering about how I need to keep on top of my laundry. This is a problem with me. I have OCD (that she doesn’t know about) and I am currently at the end of an obsessive period where I was washing stuff constantly and needlessly. Anything fabric and I was washing it and couldn’t keep up with all the drying. I finally reached the end of it and was allowing myself a break from laundry apart from the essentials. So there was a build up. I had made my peace with it, I knew why it was there and it was “allowable” (in my head) and was working my way through it. She was muttering about keeping up with my washing whilst she was putting more in the machine and I was getting really anxious because I could see she wasn’t doing it how I would do it but I couldn’t say anything as she was doing my laundry for me. I snapped and said “I really appreciate your help Mum but if it comes with a lecture I really would rather not have it” she ignored and carried on saying my house will smell if I don’t do laundry and again I said “I really don’t want to have this conversation” and she said “yes but you have to keep on top of it” and I said “I don’t want to hear this” and she said “I’m only saying!” But I had asked her 3 times to stop! So she did stop talking about it and I had to go back to work and leave her there with my son. I’m now home and I’ve had to rewash everything she washed as my anxiety was through the fucking roof by the time I had got home. (I know this is my issue and not her fault) Then this evening she text to remind me to bring my washing off the line! (it was already back in the machine) I’ve had to go round the house and rehoover because I don’t know where she hoovered and didn’t hoover. My house isn’t dirty. She didn’t need to hoover at all. I have no idea why she felt the need to come to my house and spend a few hours cleaning. When I was growing up she was always resentful of having to clean. I feel like I shouldn’t be grateful that she was helping me but it has been brewing inside me all evening and I can’t have this again. I am actually grateful that I was working today because if I had been home when she arrived I’m sure we would have rowed because I can’t cope with that. But I can’t have this. She can’t just turn up to my house and start cleaning. I’m not her new hobby.
I can’t ask her for her key back because it will just be a massive row and sulking session. I do know she has good intentions and only wants to help so I don’t want to be hurtful or harsh with her but I can’t have this. I won’t be telling her about my OCD either because she doesn’t understand it at all and thinks things like that are solved by just getting over it. I had hoped if I just kept my distance it would be fine but now she is actually coming to my house and not to see me but to occupy herself. We have never had the sort of relationship where she would sit and have a cuppa with me. We’ve never done that in my entire life. She doesnt come to visit with me, she comes to check up on me. What do I do? I don’t want to hurt her or cause a big sulk.
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URGH! I need to get my Mum to back off without it causing a row.
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 09/02/2018 23:26
You could def get away with changing your locks for some ambigious reason and never getting round to cutting her a key. My own mother did this to me, I have no idea why when she relies on me to let her dogs out and stay there when she's on holidays (which I'd prefer not to do but I am the golden child). My DS has his own key and I don't have one . Anyway, I always accept that she hasn't got around to getting me a key - so maybe you could try it at least for a while.
My ExMIL used to do the same... just let herself in and move/ clean / disrupt things in my house. It wasn’t even my ExH’s house it was mine that he moved in to so that made it even more bizarre.
I came home to find her putting new bedding on DS’s bed it didn’t match his room and I hated it - she also tried to change his curtains?
Also came home to find her binning things from our fridge and she had also taken out all of our underwear from the tumble dryer and folded up my knickers!!! Talk about an invasion of privacy!!!!
I lost it with ExH and asked him to have a word... anyway it resolved itself one afternoon when she let herself in thinking we were at work to find us having sex on the living room floor. She stopped pooping by unannounced after that 
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Well we had a row.
She turned up at my house today again. By the time my DC had called me from upstairs to let me know she was here she was already doing dishes in the sink! I kind of joked and said “Mum you need to go back to work” and she said “I was just tidying these dishes.” I said I didn’t need her to and she said they were done now. Then she asked if I had anymore washing. I said no. (I do but not enough for a full wash) and she said “you do, i’ll Go and get it” I said “you won’t” and she said “i’ll Just get it and it’ll be done” I said no, I don’t need you to do any washing. And she argued that she knew I didn’t need her to but she wanted to. I said I didn’t want her to. I forget exactly what was said but she kept insisting she would do the washing and said “I’m going to get it” I told her she wasn’t and asked how many times I had to say no before she got it. She was a bit surprised and said again how she was just helping. I said I didn’t want her help I don’t want her coming here going round all our rooms and doing our laundry. She said she wasn’t round all the rooms. I said “you were because you collected all the washing and tidied” she said she didn’t touch anything I said “well you did because you touched the washing and everything you tidied.” And she started again with the “im only trying to help” I said again I didn’t want her help and that I didn’t want to have a row but that I didn’t appreciate coming home from work to find her here doing cleaning and laundry and that she was welcome to visit with me and the DC but that I didn’t want her doing any “helping”. She sulked and said she was leaving. I said she didn’t have to but she did anyway. DS told me when she left that he counted and I had to say the word “no” 10 times before she accepted she wasn’t going up to get my washing.
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