How to go LC with my sister without my mum guilt tripping

[pandarific]

I’ve posted about my sister before. She has some kind of undiagnosed mental condition, and is horrible to be around. I’ve just spent 2 nights in a very nice hotel with her and my mum for my mums birthday and she’s managed to make it awful, and I can’t wait to get away.

I saw them at Christmas too, and again, it was awful. My mum guilt tripped yesterday about ‘nobody supporting her’ with my sister’s abusiveness - the fact is that until my mum forces her to move out, no one can help her. I have sent her info on resources etc but have also recently made it clear - when it was suggested that rather than Christmas we have a family intervention - that I simply do not want to be involved. She’s my sibling, not my child.

I’m done, I’ve got nothing left to give my sister. I could deal with her being in some way intellectually disabled if she was a nice person, but she’s really not. I’m sorry to say it, but she’s astonishingly selfish, completely self obsessed and vile about anyone who doesn’t pander to her demands - she keeps saying things about how horrible my husband is, for example - she attributes anything I do that she doesn’t like, generally distancing myself from her, telling her ‘no’ when she’s demanded something, as his influence poisoning me against her.

I just can’t cope with it any more, it’s so exhausting. I try and try, I think ‘maybe it won’t be so bad this time and my mum wants me there’ so I go, and then I end up spending hundreds of pounds to frankly wish I was anywhere else.

I need to go LC, but my mum will guilt trip and try and involve me in the future again. How do I do it subtly and sensibly, to give myself some peace?

[pandarific]

Please no posts about seeking a diagnosis for my sister - I’ve raised all the likelihoods, sent all the information on this and on services that can help my mum etc. My sister won’t seek a diagnosis for herself because she thinks she’s fine, my mum knows th remit of what she can ask for.

I just need some help separating myself, if anyone has any ideas.

[Aquamarine1029]

Your mother can only guilt trip you if you allow her to. Distance yourself from your sister and do not apologize or make excuses for it. Tell your mother she is more than welcome to let her own life be made miserable by your sister's behaviour, but from this moment on, she is not going to be tarnishing yours. Stay strong and don't back down.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Guilt is a choice. You can choose to not feel guilty. That is difficult to do because it requires overcoming so much brainwashing about "family duty". When you reach your "enough is enough" point, you can declare your Family Duty Card all punched out and used up. There does come a time when things are no longer a naturally renewable resource.

Stepping away from your sister is the right thing for you to do. The price for doing so may be sacrificing your relationship with your mum. Your mum is an adult and can manage with her own decisions.

If you can not go totally no contact because you feel your mum is too weak to stand her own ground, then you can make a series of boundaries.

Travelling with your sister is awful? Then no more travelling with your sister. You might get an earful about it, but so what? Would a bunch of verbal whining about it make you change your mind? Heck no, why on earth would it?

If you can not visit your mum without having your sister around, then limit visits. Short, very short, and more infrequent.

Your mum may complain. Let her know that you love her but you can not continue to sacrifice yourself to your sister. If your mum dumps you, then I'd say "result". Your mental health is more important than keeping the connection (with either your sister or your mum). Being around your sister is not mentally healthy for you.

I was at that point with one of my sisters. I am no contact. I thought I would lose my other sister over it, but she understood, even though she has chosen to maintain sporadic, superficial contact. (We have both vowed to never travel with her again.)

[namastayinbed]

I am in the same situation with my brother (add in some booze and drugs addiction too). No words of wisdom, but I get it, op. It's tough.

[pandarific]

Thanks both, you make good suggestions. I feel bad because my mums life with her is hard, and I love my mum and want her to be happy.

I can feel good I suppose that I did it and managed to keep my cool and made my mum happy.

[butterfly56]

It's up to your mother to sort out her relationship with your sister.
I know where you are coming from OP and I have had similar problems in my very dysfunctional family.
I found going NC very liberating although it hurt like hell in the beginning but now I just love the peace and quiet in my life.
The main thing is to put you own emotional and physical wellbeing above everything else. You are your number one priority. It's not easy to do when you have been taught by your mother to be the helper/carer.

Don't see your mother when your sister is there. Do not listen to the guilting by your mother. Leave your mother to deal with your sister one to one.

[Couchpotato3]

Maybe distancing yourself from your sister could eventually help your Mum too, because she can see that it can be done, and that you are happier as a result? She has to come to the 'enough is enough' point for herself though, you can't get her there. There must be a way of seeing your Mum without your sister in tow?

[pandarific]

Hello, sorry for bumping my own thread but I could use some support and I’m too tired to write it all out again. All of the above still applies, as does the stuff from this thread - nothing has changed in my sister’s / mother’s situation, but it has for me. I’m 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and my mum is coming to see me next week by invite, but today asked if my sister could come, and started guilting and pressuring me to invite my her over too when I said no.

[pandarific]

It went along the lines of ‘I know you feel frustrated around her but I don't want you excluding her either’ and then ‘I'll just say to her there is no room but I do hope you won't continue like that when things calm down. We are family and have to pull together but I do understand ok’ and then when I asked ‘excuse me? what do you mean?’ - ‘Just excluding you will need to tell her yourself if you don't want her around I can't hurt her or you or anyone ok.’

[Jt123]

I can in some aspects understand this, the fact is it’s hard enough when your not pregnant, you really have to put your foot down and just say your really not in the mood for your sisters behaviour and you’d be more than happy to rearrange to another day when it’s just your mum. My sister is often like a whirl wind but tbh my mum will argue about it like I’m just mean but the fact is I’d prefer to not be around either of them or my nan majority of the time. Seems cruel but sometimes we have to put ourselves first especially when such a lovely time is upon us. Good luck

[Aussiebean]

Way to put all the resposibity on you. I don’t think your mum is your friend here. She is enabling your sisters behaviour and refusing to follow up on the help you have researched for her because, no doubt, it will be hard. You are 35 weeks pregnant. The last thing you need is stress and your sister is horrible. Your mother shouldn’t have even asked you for her to come. She should be looking after you, not adding to your stress. Tell your mum that you do not want to discuss your sister with her many more. If she is struggling, you have given her avenues to go to but you will concentrate on your baby. Sorry about lack of paragraphs. My phone won’t let me.

[cheesefield]

Put yourself first. You're 35 weeks pregnant.

Tell DM she is invited, DS is not. You are not willing to discuss it further at this stage in your pregnancy. Put the ball back in her court. She either comes alone or not at all.

[subspace]

Sorry to hear you're having it touch from your mum again, but also congratulations!! Say No. That one word is a complete sentence. No. And change the subject immediately. If she persists then it's firmly "NO and I will not be drawn into discussing this further" with a FURIOUS look on your face. Shut it down.

[HollowTalk]

She sounds an absolute nightmare. You need to tell your mum that she is NOT to invite your sister. If your sister asks, tell her that no, she can't come. I would say that my husband wouldn't have it. She'll find it harder to go against him.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Imho it is time to distance yourself from your mum too. Sorry. I know at this time you feel like you need your mum more than ever. But you can get through without her. Disinvite her. Lay down that boundary in no uncertain terms. She is trying to retrain you when you are exhausted and vulnerable. She is manipulating and shaming you. my phone won’t let me make a paragraph!_. Can you move? Seriously. You know with meta physical certitude that you can not let your sister around your baby. You are going to need to protect your baby from her. You can not risk this and you can not trust your mother. This is very sad, but you just can’t.

[subspace]

@AndTheBandPlayedOn I think she is in a different country to her sister, no need to move. // also I can't do paragraphs on MN today, I think it's a MN glitch!

[pandarific]

There’s more. We’re in the middle of a very stressful property chain situation which means we could lose our new house and all the money we have put into the sale and my mum knows this. She also knows that I have had panic attacks in the past after seeing my sister because I find it so stressful - my mum doesnt know these panics are because I have an irrational terror of my baby being anything like my sister - I know it’s crazy but it scares the shit out of me. I spoke to my midwife after my most recent panic triggered by attending a wedding where someone asked my best friend what my sisters diagnosis was (ha! Fat chance ). I actually physically find her unbearable to be around, because she is so erratic, repetitive, draining, abusive to my mum and often my husband. This is the person my mum is guilting me to bring to my tiny flat, at a time which is so stressful anyway. I am trying to guard myself feeling guilty and shit, but I am finding it very difficult, as the truth is I don’t want her around, I don’t want her staying in my tiny flat and if we ever do get our house sorted I probably don’t want her staying there either, because I simply can’t guarantee her behaviour. It’s worse because my family is in another country and so I think my mother expects to stay / my sister to stay when the baby arrives and I know that is what happens in normal happy families but as much as I wish it were so, that is not our situation and my mum trying to gaslight and manipulate me with guilt just kills me. I have left it with my mum as ‘if sister asks to come with you tell her to ask me and I will speak to her and tell her no - you shouldn’t have to play messenger.’ Which she has accepted, but I don’t know, it’s so hard and unfair.

[MySisterTotallyIs]

Hell to the no! You put your foot down

I'm convinced that my sister who is a vicious, vile, bully toward me and has been all our lives has a Personality Disorder but because I'm her main target and she masks and simpers and makes out she's a loving sister to others even though it's a far from the truth as it can go, I feel like I'm the only one who really SEES her a lot of the time.

She hasn't had any DC and this is a real issue for her, her time has more or less run out, I still have time though my chances of conceiving are unlikely.

I know FOR A FACT that if I had a successful pregnancy she would do her utmost to ruin it for me and more every chance she got.

I recently decided spurred on by threads here to go VLC (stealth NC) every time she's tried to visit I've gone down the "that doesn't work for me" route

I now haven't seen her since last summer

Couldn't be happier, really wish I'd gone down this road of 100% avoiding her unless wholly necessary, years and years ago.

At this stage you need to sit down with your DM and say you will always support HER and be there for HER but it is not incumbent upon you to have ANY relationship with your sister and you won't be subjecting your DC to her and she has a choice of accepting that your sister with never be welcome in your home or seeing less of her GDC.

DO NOT LET HER GUILT YOU, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

[subspace]

Actually, from your most recent post I think it's obvious your mum should not be coming to stay with you either. Tell her to get a hotel, if your think that's a thing you would cope with, but for now, I think no mum or sister visits AT ALL. Do talk to your midwife about your concerns and panic attacks fully, you need some support xxx

[pandarific]

Thank you all - I had mn in my head as I was texting today and have done exactly as you all suggested and my mum has backed down. It’s just hard - I know my mum loves my sister but she tries to deny reality and pretend it’s all roses and guilt me into complying. Like, if I would just shut up and ‘be nice to my sister’ it would all be lovely. That just fucking hurts. It’s really not my fault she is the way she is.

[Aprilshowersnowastorm]

'Unfortunately dm now is not a good time to visit. I will let you know when I am up to seeing YOU.' Please don't risk not enjoying /looking forward the birth of your pfb. Ime your dm is not going to morph into a good dgm. Nor your dsis into a decent da. You need to put your own wellbeing forts and foremost for you +your bump.

[pandarific]

It’s important to note that my sister does really, really love me, or tries to - she’s not evil, just mentally unbalanced, whether that’s a PD or OCD or complex PTSD or ASD mixed with terrible dysfunctional parenting I will probably never know. And I know my mum has a shit life with her and gets it in the neck from her when I don’t call or whatever, and I know my mum wishes it was different so badly. But it’s simply not - it is what it is, and I have to draw my boundaries and police them like a fecking swat team. It’s just a bit of a shit complicated situation - just letting off a bit of steam.

[pandarific]

I’m fine with my mum coming to visit by the way - she was invited and we are going to look at baby things together, it will be really nice. I think you’re all right though in that I need to refuse point blank to discuss my sister with her, change the subject and refuse to engage about it at all.

[shakeyourcaboose]

we are family and have to pull together nope, she's saying don't rock the boat, it's easier to guilt you and make you fall in line than address the issue.

[MySisterTotallyIs]

@pandarific I know exactly how you feel - I truly do. I do feel sorry for my DM who is nearly 70 and is caught between two adult DDs who hate each other but I think she exacerbates it by making us both think she's "on our side" when really she's not