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I want kids but my girlfriend doesn't want them... what should I do?

(77 Posts)
amaninlove43 Wed 24-Jan-18 11:24:26

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over 8 months now and I’ve been thinking of popping the question.

However, I feel like I have to hold back for a bit… when I started talking with her about

having a family, she show disinterest in having kids. We were having fun and talking about

having 3 kids but then she followed it with “having kids are troublesome,

I honestly don’t want to have any…”

I was taken aback, I had asked her more about it but she just shrugged it off saying that

she just doesn’t want them. I made it clear with her that I want to have kids.

So now I am wondering if we are still on the same page as when we started…

we are both dating with intentions of marriage, but with the current discussion it’s almost

like it might not work out.

When I first met her through a singles tour, she was really charming (still is) and

she made it clear that she wants to find that one person to spend the rest of her life with.

But because we never talked about having kids whatsoever, now that it happened,

I am surprised. What should I do? I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her

but I want to have a family… I really need help, please!

cakecakecheese Wed 24-Jan-18 11:31:43

How old are you both?

If she really doesn't want children there's not much you can do about that. I asked about age because you never know she may change her mind, although you can't bank on that happening.

8 months isn't long though really so you could give it some time and see how things go but if it's really a dealbreaker for you then maybe it is best to end things before it does get really serious.

SandyY2K Wed 24-Jan-18 11:32:31

You need to stop wasting your time and end it. There's no half way with having kids. You either want them or you don't . It's not an area of compromise.

You can both find more compatible people.

dumbolickous Wed 24-Jan-18 11:39:06

Yes I also would like to know how old you both are before offering advice

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 24-Jan-18 11:40:34

Sorry, this is one of those issues that there just isn't a happy compromise/halfway. She doesn't want them, you do. At least she has been honest with you about it fairly early on. Suggest you definitely don't propose! You're not compatible.

wendywoopywoo222 Wed 24-Jan-18 11:44:48

It's great she has been so honest with you. Move on and find someone who does want a family with you.

HazelBite Wed 24-Jan-18 11:49:16

I think your ages are significant as I can think of several women I have known who have been anti children in their twenties but changed their minds in their thirties.
Does your girlfriend have much experience of children ie does she have a close friend or sibling that has children,?

AdaColeman Wed 24-Jan-18 11:53:33

You have only been in the relationship for eight months?!
That is far far too soon to be thinking of marriage and children, you hardly know each other.

How old are you both?

fluffyrobin Wed 24-Jan-18 11:54:25

Don't pop the question with someone who wants different things in marriage to you!

Don't even try to persuade a woman to have a child with you, it has to come from her!

I am the product of an unmaternal woman who didn't like children much but went ahead anyway as it was the thing to do.

She was cold, blamed us for her loss of freedom, never gave hugs or heaven forbid kisses, shouted at us, got angry when we hurt ourselves and throughout our childhood the only words of advice she gave us was: " Never get married or have children, it'll ruin your life!"

So for your future happiness and for your future children's happiness please choose your future wife VERY CAREFULLY.

muttmad Wed 24-Jan-18 11:55:31

There are a good many women who feel like this when young then change their minds completely down the line, however you cant rely on that as there are also many women for who motherhood just isn't for them.
You need an honest conversation, but if you don't like what you hear its probably best to end this relationship now, as your yearning for a child wont go away and will end up causing resentment and probably a break up further down the line.

blueskyinmarch Wed 24-Jan-18 11:58:03

I also would like to know how old you are. My DD1 always said she never ever wanted children but at the age of 25 i can see she is slightly warming to the idea...possibly...maybe. If she isn't certain by age 30 i don't think there will be any children.

If you are in your early 20's i guess she may change her views. If you are in your 30's i doubt she is going to change her mind and you would be best to leave her and find someone who does want children.

Daisy91 Wed 24-Jan-18 12:02:55

Unless you’re both a lot older and time is running out then 8 months is no time at all. I’d be freaked out if my husband had started talking marriage and children after only 8 months!

rocketgirl22 Wed 24-Jan-18 12:04:09

You need to hold off on the proposal and find out for sure, and not in a flippant way, but sitting down face to face and being absolutely certain how feels.

I didnt want children either the I was young, but they are the centre of my world now. Give her the chance to talk openly about the future, she may be just talking about the next few years or it may be forever.

Either way you need to know.

It would be wrong to marry her under the illusion she MIGHT change her mind. You whould be better off finding someone else whom shares your vision of a family one day. She might not be the one for you, despite your love for her, neither of you will be happy in the long run.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Wed 24-Jan-18 12:06:21

I am one of those women who didn’t want kids but went on to have them. I told DP straight up I didn’t want them and I told him to break up with me if he really did want kids.

So we stayed together and 8 years later he says he wants kids. I was pretty annoyed because it wasn’t part of the deal but then I thought about what a great dad he would be and it felt mean to deny kids the opportunity to be so loved, so we had kids. 3 kids later it turns out he is a great dad and I’m a pretty good mum too.

So basically stick with her if you love her as she may change her mind but don’t bank on it. 8 months is no time at all and you really shouldn’t be proposing. You haven’t even lived together yet! Maybe she chews her toenails. And maybe there’s baggage and serious reasons she doesn’t want kids and you need to actually get to know her to understand. Know now that what she says is true and it’s quite likely she’ll stick to it so if this is absolutely essential to you consider moving on. If you’re only 20 years old or some such you can spend s few more years with her before you need to start thinking about this.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert Wed 24-Jan-18 12:10:39

You have options.
1. You marry your gf, and forsake children but have a lovely wife. Is she nice enough that you can give up on the hopes of having children.

2. You dump your gf, in the hopes of finding another that does want children, even though you’re still not guaranteed them and future gf might not be as lovely.

Ask yourself this, are you desperately broody or do you just see having children as the norm? Would you be willing to give up the chance of children to stay with gf? If you can’t see yourself being childless forever you have to move on. There is no middle ground, it’s not like you can do 6 months of the year as parents and 6 months as people without kids.

Offred Wed 24-Jan-18 12:12:49

8 months is ridiculously too soon to be getting engaged, as you have found out it isn’t even enough time to really even know whether you are compatible.

If you want kids and she doesn’t you need to respect that and either decide you are prepared to get to know her better (knowing that if it goes well you will not be expecting children) or whether you know kids are so important to you that actually it is a dealbreaker for someone to not want them or be unsure.

Annabelle4 Wed 24-Jan-18 12:14:39

What age are you both?

eenymeenymaccaracca Wed 24-Jan-18 12:16:36

I'm another one who definitely didn't want kids. When I was in my late twenties I changed my mind bigtime.

BUT there are lots of people who don't change their minds.

It's great that you can have this conversation and be honest with each other.

I wouldn't break up at this point, but I certainly wouldn 't propose at this point either.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 24-Jan-18 12:17:15

Neither of you are wrong.
But you are not compatible in what you want from life.
It depends how old you both are as well.
Some women don't want them or they think they don't.
Then that clock starts ticking and they suddenly do want them.
So if you are both young, don't get engaged and enjoy it for now.
Discuss it a year or 2 down the line.
If her stance is still the same and so is yours, you will need to end it.
So it might be easier if you end it now and move on and find someone who does want the same things in life.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans Wed 24-Jan-18 12:21:54

I'm a bit hmm at all the people saying she might change her mind.

She might, or she might not. I didn't.

What if she ends up feeling pressured into having kids she didn't really want?

SandyY2K Wed 24-Jan-18 12:23:12

I don't think you should wait around in the hope she'll change her mind, when there are plenty women who don't need persuasion.

She doesn't want kids. Fine. Just move on.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow Wed 24-Jan-18 12:24:51

You really shouldn't be considering marriage for several years yet. But if she is adamant she won't want kids then best to end it now rather than hope she will vhange her mind. It's a blessing you have found out so soon in the relationship.

gamerchick Wed 24-Jan-18 12:24:58

There is no compromise on this OP. You’ll have to choose which is more important.

Scrumptiousbears Wed 24-Jan-18 12:25:20

I ended a 5 year relationship for this same reason.

restbiterepeat Wed 24-Jan-18 12:28:38

Honestly, I would end the relationship. Having kids/ not having kids is not one of those divides that can be negotiated.

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