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Help me get a grip....partner & step child

(21 Posts)
pullingmyhairout1 Wed 24-Jan-18 07:31:57

Long story short when I moved for work both my children went to live with their Dads. One because she wanted to stay with her friends, and the other because he is 17 and thinks the grass is greener.

My partner has been amazingly supportive throughout all of this. However, he has a 4 year old that visits every other weekend. He is a great child, and we have lots of fun. But it breaks my heart when he is here because of my situation. I know I need to man up. All of this has happened within the last 4 months, so it is still early days and raw. My youngests Dad is making it very difficult to see her as well which doesn't help, but I do need to be 'Happy Pulling' when dss is around, and sometimes I find it very hard.

Anyone got any tips to pull my socks up?

SendintheArdwolves Wed 24-Jan-18 10:30:51

How often are you seeing your children? Tbh, I'm not sure that "manning up" is the solution at all - sounds like you need to ensure your relationship with your actual children is sorted out.

You say you moved for work - how far and how often can you see your kids?

pullingmyhairout1 Wed 24-Jan-18 10:41:17

I had to move 190 miles. It's all very well to say I need to sort the relationship between my children and I. I have great relationship with my youngest. My eldest is another issue, and I have tried my best with him.

My youngest is court ordered contact but the hours he has specified are impossible to adhere to and I do not have the financial means to take him to court to vary it. Exh is rigid, and not remotely interested in being flexible. There is a huge back story but tbh I can't face reliving it right now.

pullingmyhairout1 Wed 24-Jan-18 10:42:44

I need to get past this

Notasperfectasallothermners Wed 24-Jan-18 10:46:22

My marriage failed because my exh couldn't handle I had my dc and he didn't, take care to separate the two.
Face time your dc /email /texts. Or see a solicitor for things to be changed officially.

dumbolickous Wed 24-Jan-18 10:47:55

Be ready for a flaming! Nobody HAS to move 190 miles away from their kids. For work or anything. Did you move to be with your new partner?

pullingmyhairout1 Wed 24-Jan-18 11:11:18

dumb flame me all you like. I did have to move the way I did because I work in a niche financial role. Originally I moved where I did because of my exh and I was fortunate enough that a role was available there. Unfortunately the majority of the work I do is based where I originate from which is 190 miles from my exh.

No I did not move for my dp.

pullingmyhairout1 Wed 24-Jan-18 11:13:29

Not I do call/facetime dd every week at set times, and I try and see her as much as possible but it's very difficult financially.

pullingmyhairout1 Wed 24-Jan-18 11:14:32

Pressed too soon. Difficult financially to travel up and down. Along with the fact exh insists I pick dd up when I'm the other side of the country in work.

loveyoutothemoon Wed 24-Jan-18 11:16:00

I would've found work around my kids....just saying...

Notasperfectasallothermners Wed 24-Jan-18 11:18:22

How old is dd? I moved only 30 miles but exh made it very difficult, at one point I was driving 500 miles a week to maintain the court order!!
I encouraged dc to get the bus sometimes and as they got older they chose to come more. One ds moved full time 18 months ago and is nc with df, the other a year ago and nc with him also. His control over you +the dc won't last forever op. Be patient. And keep the contact going, however hard /upsetting. flowers

Justwaitingforaline Wed 24-Jan-18 11:22:06

I’m rather confused why you moved for a ‘niche’ financial role which doesn’t pay enough for you to see your kids when you’re court ordered to hmm

becotide Wed 24-Jan-18 11:24:16

I'd have taken a cleaning job and stayed with my kids. I'm sorry your ex isn't flexible but you are 190 miles away, through choice, and that's a lot of travelling for a child.

dumbolickous Wed 24-Jan-18 11:25:26

I wasn't flaming. I was telling you to get ready for a thread where you would be relentlessly flamed for moving.

sassymuffin Wed 24-Jan-18 11:41:21

OP how long ago was the court order made? Was it made before or after you moved? You have only been living so far away for 4 months and it usually takes more than 16 weeks to go through the courts and I was wondering if your new living arrangement was in place when the judge ruled on the court order?

SandyY2K Wed 24-Jan-18 11:44:07

I can't imagine in what universe I'd take a job that impacted on seeing my children. I just can't.

sassymuffin Wed 24-Jan-18 11:47:22

Sorry I meant to add that it usually takes more than 16 weeks if you attend mediation sessions before the final court order etc.

Offred Wed 24-Jan-18 11:50:14

I’m a bit hmm at ‘had to’ move... that isn’t true at all, you chose to move because staying in said niche role was more important to you than being near your DC.

If I was your DC, particularly the 17 year old, I’d be really angry that you were saying ‘I had to move’ TBH because it is really obvious you are not accepting any responsibility for your choices.

If you are regretting the choice to move away you can look into moving back near to your DC and taking a different job.

If you still insist that moving was the right thing I think it is incredibly childish to feel all hard done by and jealous re SDC. If I were your partner I’d be watching you very carefully because a. You’d just left your own DC and b. Your feelings re that and my child visiting there are not a good for my DC to be around.

NB: Whenever a child’s parents ups sticks and move across the country it is the kids that are hard done by. Important to keep in mind...

Greatestshow Wed 24-Jan-18 11:52:34

What was the position before you moved for work? Were you with your exh? Were the children with you?

Greatestshow Wed 24-Jan-18 11:53:36

If you didn't move to be with your current partner, did he move to be with you?

loveyoutothemoon Wed 24-Jan-18 14:10:14

Also, they'll be a lot of resentment from your kids towards you, do you really want that?

It is so totally beyond me how a mother could do this! confused

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