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Please help

(27 Posts)
Kit1411 Tue 23-Jan-18 22:55:26

Im so upset. I’m 4 weeks pregnant, I had an early miscarriage last month. My fiancé had a work meal tonight with couples so although I’m exhausted I felt I had to go. All was fine until he had 4 pints, is already said I didn’t feel well, left most of my meal and asked in private if we could go after desserts. He ordered another drink and was laughing with the work people, I said it a few more times and he seemed to make it obvious and sarcastic. I’m already worried I’ll lose this baby so I want to take care of myself, but it’s like he doesn’t care.

Eventually he gets the bill but then says we’ll drop someone else home. On the way home (35 Min drive) I say to him I said I didn’t feel well and I’m not going to be happy if I lose this baby too. He says I insinuated that it’ll be his fault. I said I didn’t mean that but would just like him to look after me and accept if I don’t feel well.

The whole drive he was shouting at the at the top of his voice telling me to grow up etc etc making me really tearful.

The things he said tonight were really hurtful and i don’t know what to do. Please help.

Ginger1982 Tue 23-Jan-18 23:02:31

Leave him. He doesn't deserve you or the baby.

NotTheFordType Tue 23-Jan-18 23:05:25

Sounds like you are better off having this baby on your own.

Cricrichan Tue 23-Jan-18 23:29:24

You won't lose the baby because you were tired. I'm surprised you're already feeling tired at only 4 weeks. I understand how paranoid you must be but rest assured that you leading a normal life won't hurt the baby.

What's he like the rest of the time? Is he usually insensitive and uncaring?

FuckyNellYaBastad Tue 23-Jan-18 23:31:29

Hope he wasn’t driving!

Mrstobe90 Wed 24-Jan-18 00:26:34

He's a prick to speak to you like that and to completely disregard your feelings. Walk away.

Also, I really hope he wasn't driving!

Kit1411 Wed 24-Jan-18 07:18:54

Thanks, no I was driving but his fingers were pointing at me and the abuse, he made me feel so small. I feel drained after not much sleep and his selfishly turning on the bathroom light at 5am for a long time in the bathroom, given that we have 2 other toilets in the house (I know that sounds petty) but he just thinks about himself. We’re normally fine, but do argue at least once a fortnight and he feels it acceptable to argue in front of his son and my son, he’s just like his dad who used to verbally and physically abuse his mum and he always said he wouldn’t do that. In an argument he won’t let anything go even when I say stop, or walk away he has to keep it going.

Joysmum Wed 24-Jan-18 08:17:27

Arguing once a fortnight isn’t what happens in a ‘normally fine’ marriage. That a high rate of arguments. sad

rocketgirl22 Wed 24-Jan-18 08:22:10

He sounds abusive if he continues arguing when you have already walked away.

I am sorry but I would've just stood up thanked everyone for the night and gone home, he sounds incredibly selfish and uncaring.

BackInTheRoom Wed 24-Jan-18 09:02:26

OMG I wouldn't have anyone shouting at me like this! Where are your boundaries OP?! It's not ok!

hellsbellsmelons Wed 24-Jan-18 09:02:41

And the cycle of abuse continues.
You should not live like this.
Arguing every fortnight is not OK!
I was with my ExH for 15 years and we never argued.
What is the living situation?
Do you have somewhere else you could go?
This isn't healthy for you, your DS or your unborn child.
Please consider all your options here.
This will NOT improve when the baby comes along.

springydaffs Wed 24-Jan-18 09:24:23

Please please please leave him.

Do it for the kids if you can't do it for yourself.

Please leave him op!

Kit1411 Wed 24-Jan-18 09:43:36

It’s hard, I feel like a failure, my ex husband and I didn’t work out (for other reasons) and we have a 5 year old together. My fiancé and I now have a nice house we both put in and work hard for, he has his son on weekends. So I feel if I leave this plus being pregnant I just feel like a right failure. My parents are an hour away but would have me and my son in an instant, they’re very supportive but couldn’t tell them this, just because I don’t want to let them down. It’s hard though to stay with them because my son is in school so couldn’t get him up and to school with the distance it wouldn’t be fair. My fiancé this morning was saying I was like a different person last night, I honestly don’t feel I did anything wrong by saying how I was feeling discretely. He is texting and arguing with me even though I’m now at work. Just feel shattered and alone.

Kit1411 Wed 24-Jan-18 09:47:31

I said last night that my son told my mum (his nanny) that he shouts at me, this broke my heart when my mum told me and asked if everything was ok. All my fiancé said was I don’t give a fuck. On a normal day he’s ok and sometimes plays with my son but he just has an aggressive way sometimes.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 24-Jan-18 09:50:33

What your DS said is heart breaking.
Please do NOT inflict on him.
It is not fair.
He has no choice in the matter.
YOU however, do have a choice.
To leave an abusive man.
It would be a failure on your part if you STAY!

dumbolickous Wed 24-Jan-18 10:06:42

Absolutely agree with melons!

TheLegendOfBeans Wed 24-Jan-18 10:09:10

Your relationship is damaging your children already

Your parents live an hour away and would look after you guys in a shot


Joysmum Wed 24-Jan-18 10:14:45

Let me get this straight, if somebody told you they were going through all the things you are and that it was hurting their little boy, your reaction would be to see them as s failure and that they’d let you down?

I’m guessing you wouldn’t?

Why do you think do little of those you love that they’d judge you this way?

OrangeCarpet Wed 24-Jan-18 10:24:35

The every 2 weeks thing is part of the cycle of abuse.
If you stay with him your children will grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable and will either become abusive themselves (Like your fiancé) or drawn into relationships with abusive people. You will not be a failure if you leave him. You are a survivor.
Read Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?”. Do the Freedom Programme which you can complete online or in groups.

Kit1411 Wed 24-Jan-18 10:26:04

I know, I don’t really care what others think, I just know how hard it was last time with the house, emotions, a child who is my world, work etc. I do have supportive people around me. He’s said sorry but there’s always a but....but you started this he says, and he doesn’t want to argue particularly now, well I wish he’d thought of that one last night.

TheLegendOfBeans Wed 24-Jan-18 10:27:41

Ps: you’re pregnant. Nice and vulnerable for an abusive cunt to ramp up the abuse because he thinks you “can’t” leave.

ClareB83 Wed 24-Jan-18 10:44:02

Yup, normally the first time an abusive man hits his partner is when she's pregnant with his child.

Delightful fact.

Granville72 Wed 24-Jan-18 10:49:14

I just know how hard it was last time with the house, emotions, a child who is my world, work etc

and it will be a damn site harder to leave and get out of this awful relationship once you have a baby arrive as well.

End the relationship now and move you and your son out. It's already damaging him if he's felt the need to speak to his nanny and tell her what is happening. Please don't let him see or think that this sort of life is the norm.

AtrociousCircumstance Wed 24-Jan-18 10:51:10

Leave this piece of shit and stop letting him abuse your child.

Sorry, it sounds so hard, but don’t inflict this awful man on yourself or your children.


passthepotatoes Wed 24-Jan-18 11:47:15

please, leave!

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