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What's this weird behaviour?

(27 Posts)
VaselineHero Tue 23-Jan-18 20:16:44

One of my friends was telling me about a man she's seen a couple of times. Nothing serious. Some of his behaviour I'm just disgusted about though when she tells me.

For example, it's like he wants to make her insecure about other women. Like dropping comments about there being other women after him or potentially involved with him. She doesn't like it - finds it hurtful - and I think he knows that.

For example, he will mention about seeing someone else and when she thens asks him he'll deny anything is going on and say he's not interested in this other women because she's just after sex (which from what my friend says is her experience of him!)

A friend of his made a 'joke' about how he's shagged 4 of his colleagues since he's been there (worked there 6 months). Then when she asked him about it he denied it all and said that he had told everyone at work he is married. But then went on to talk about colleagues (including his boss) who clearly fancy him or have crushes on him.

They are not even in a relationship or anything so why bother? Just because it gets a reaction? Is he trying to make himself look way more popular than he actually is, or could it be something more insidious designed to manipulate her?

I've had an abusive relationship before with a man who couldn't tell the truth if he tried so I feel suspicious of this shit.

mogratpineapple Tue 23-Jan-18 20:29:38

I don't know what this is, or why he does it. But I know I'd be off like a shot if it were me. Nothing ever good comes from liars, boasters or fantasists. It's like he's trying to boosts himself up or something. I don't know, it's just too weird for me.

guinnessguzzler Tue 23-Jan-18 20:41:42

Sounds like negging etc, which men who don't think of women as people use as a technique to draw them in, damage their self esteem, make them jealous etc to make them go for them/stay with them when they otherwise wouldn't. In other words, the guy is an arse and she should spend as little time as possible with him.

userxx Tue 23-Jan-18 21:04:08

He sounds like a complete twat. Why is she even entertaining it?

LittleFeileFooFoo Tue 23-Jan-18 21:07:35

Yeah, twat alert. Tell her to leave that one under the rock where she found him...

VaselineHero Tue 23-Jan-18 21:12:03

She's feeling thrown by it now, and hurt .

I think she was thinking it was all bravado until his friend made the comment about him shagging 4 at with and now she's started feeling shit about it.

DailyMailcanfuckthefuckoff Tue 23-Jan-18 21:19:01

Yep - he's negging her. She should steer well clear - he's a selfish twat and has made that more than clear. He doesn't care about your friend's feelings at all.

SuperSkyRocketing Tue 23-Jan-18 21:22:02

He sounds like a total dick. I briefly dated a guy who did the same, they do it to make you feel as insecure as they do and to big themselves up. No good will come from being involved with someone like that. Your friend should dump him

Faking Tue 23-Jan-18 21:23:08

Red flags ahoy!!

Lifeisabeach09 Tue 23-Jan-18 21:23:33

Attention-seeking narcissist.
She needs to get rid of the maggot.

VaselineHero Tue 23-Jan-18 21:46:10

I think the gaslighting has got under her skin sad She doesn't know what to believe now.

takeitandleaveit Tue 23-Jan-18 21:48:16

Just a deluded twat. Your friend would do well to get rid pronto.

TheStoic Tue 23-Jan-18 21:52:20

Why is she sticking around at all? Is she desperately lonely?

VaselineHero Tue 23-Jan-18 21:52:40

She keeps saying that it must be true if his friend said it.

VaselineHero Tue 23-Jan-18 21:52:59

Yeah she is a bit lonely sad

Cricrichan Tue 23-Jan-18 21:57:57

Well, it should be an easy decision..

VaselineHero Tue 23-Jan-18 22:12:04

When you say negging, do you mean so he can carry on with other women? Sorry, not really familiar with this term

LittleFeileFooFoo Tue 23-Jan-18 22:22:11

I think it means something like highlighting, only he's doing this to make her feel bad, then feel like she's not worthy of love, so when he shows interest in her she will ignore good advice and her own instincts and date him. Then when she wants to leave, he will keep her from leaving by alternating making her feel bad for leaving him, and feel worthless because no other man would have her. He's doing her such a favor! And he could have anyone!

Others please chime in if I've got it wrong

She is especially vulnerable if she is lonely.

guinnessguzzler Tue 23-Jan-18 22:45:09

As above. The specific technique of negging is around the use of things like a back handed compliment, building a woman up only to cut her down, leaving her desperate for crumbs of approval. I would put all this stuff into the same broad category, though, of basically manipulating women in a way that makes them feel bad and needing to prove their worth. Your friend deserves so much more than this nasty man and can certainly do better. If she is a kind and loving person she will find someone worthy of her and maybe even have some fun along the way. Time spent with this man will only impede this.

VaselineHero Tue 23-Jan-18 23:14:03

I get it. Urgh. Why would he do that though? She's a nice girl, really attractive and fun to be with and she likes him before all this shit. He's ruining any chance of a nice relationship or friendship - what's his endgame here? Just getting a shag?

LittleFeileFooFoo Tue 23-Jan-18 23:17:36

The endgame is getting a woman who doesn't leave him, no matter what cfery he's gets up to.
I have little doubt' based on your description, that he will cheat and either deny or pass it of as only sex or he needs diversity.
Show her this thread!

VaselineHero Tue 23-Jan-18 23:23:59

I will show her.

'Get a women who never leaves him'. God this stuff is soul destroying. That is totally it isn't it. Urgh x1000000

Don't these men realise that they will never trust any woman they 'get' through these false pretences and manipulations? They just end shafting themselves confused

GottadoitGottadoit Tue 23-Jan-18 23:40:11

He sounds awful!

Flopjustwantscoffee Wed 24-Jan-18 01:14:15

Don't these men realise that they will never trust any woman they 'get' through these false pretences and manipulations? They just end shafting themselves

They don't end up shafting themselves though. If they try enough times they will find a woman with low enough self esteem (possibly only temporarily, most people have periods in their life when they feel shit) who will put up with their crap and get sucked in. Then they get someone who will put up with their shit - whether that's waiting around at home while they shag around, or cooking/cleaning/supporting them financially etc. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship so one sided but their are clear advantages to the men that do...

e1y1 Wed 24-Jan-18 01:30:08

Yeah narcissistic twat alert, tell your friend to run like lightning.

He’s making her feel shit (he knows it and is doing so on purpose) and making himself feel like a God at the same time.

He will genuinely think he is Gods gift to anyone he meets, not just women, it will probably not be in a sexual sense for the same sex, but he will genuinely think he is better than anyone; he (and only he) is the centre of the Universe.

So any woman he is with is lucky to have him (in his eyes), any woman he pursues will also eventually believe this too.

He WILL be doing it to any woman he is in contact with in this context, your friend isn’t the first and won’t be the last (and is probably not the only current one).

If I was ever in this situation, I would take great relish (in fact would take glee in) dumping him off and make it clear that nothing he can do would make me think he was good enough for ME. It would crush his confidence suitabily (taste of their own medicine so to speak). Bonus points if the thing could be made public.

I’m probably no better, but sometimes the high road isn’t required .

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