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Would this hurt you?

(20 Posts)
Andrewsgirl Tue 23-Jan-18 13:55:54

I know I shouldn't have and regret it now, but Fiancée left his Facebook account logged in and I took a snoop. So have seen that he hasn't been doing a lot of searching for photos on many different occasions of his children's old au pair! She's a young attractive lady and seeing his search history has really upset me. There can't really be any innocent explanation other than he finds her attractive and likes look at pictures of her.

I don't really know what to do or whether to say what I've seen!

He was also looking up on several occasions a woman he had a short fling at work with (before my time!)

What would you do? Is this just standard male behaviour?? If they're not looking at porn they're looking at pictures of attractive women they know??? I don't know if I've over reacting?

Thanks x

Dard Tue 23-Jan-18 14:28:10

Your not overeating very insulting to youflowers

Ladyformation Tue 23-Jan-18 14:35:52

I look up my exes on FB sometimes. Actually, sometimes I look up DP's exes, or my friends' exes, or randoms I met at a party a month ago. It's just idle curiosity - who cares?

Are you OK in yourself, OP? Because it sounds like there might be more to this in terms of trust/self-confidence issues.

Andrewsgirl Tue 23-Jan-18 14:42:52

I have massive self confidence issues, ex husband was emotionally abusive and always putting me down (and still does) and he also cheated on me when our son was a few weeks old so also trust issues ! Am working with a therapist at the moment to try and help, I just have moments of complete disbelief as to why my fiancée would want to be with me and convince myself he really wants to be somewhere else and with someone else: when something like this happens and I see he's looking up exes and ex au pairs photos I go into complete panic mode!

loveyoutothemoon Tue 23-Jan-18 15:15:19

He's looking at Facebook profiles, he's just being nosy, like anyone else.

mogratpineapple Tue 23-Jan-18 15:17:51

'Standard male behaviour' - never justify a man's behaviour with that old 'boys will be boys' thing!

He could be just curious, but as these women are attractive chances are he's sniffing. Doesn't necessarily mean he's planning on cheating, maybe restocking his wank bank (crude expression but hey).

The bottom line is you are uncomfortable with it. In my opinion it's disloyal and disrespectful. Before you get married decide where the boundaries of your relationship are to be drawn.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 23-Jan-18 15:30:45

Well I still look ocassionally as Ex's so I suppose it depends on the frequency.
I'll have a quick check of them maybe once a month or 2 months.
If it's a daily thing then it's NOT OK!!!

Looneytune253 Tue 23-Jan-18 15:50:16

Why do you do that @hellsbellsmelons ??

hellsbellsmelons Tue 23-Jan-18 16:19:52

'Cos I'm in nosy cow!
No other reason!
I don't do it with my more recent Ex.

oursofas Tue 23-Jan-18 16:23:14

I'm similarly nosy so, personally, it wouldn't bother me. I appreciate where you're coming from, though.

SecretSantaaaaaa Tue 23-Jan-18 16:58:54

I look up my exes on FB sometimes. Actually, sometimes I look up DP's exes, or my friends' exes, or randoms I met at a party a month ago. It's just idle curiosity

This in bounds. I love my DP and wouldn't/haven't ever cheated but I'm a nosy bitch I'm afraid.

The moral of the story is don't go snooping.

Was there a reason you looked on his FB?

BusterTheBulldog Tue 23-Jan-18 17:01:54

I have a nose at exes too sometimes, they might get tagged or something, and then I’m off down a rabbit hole looking at pics of their ex from 2013 on family holiday or something.

Cricrichan Tue 23-Jan-18 17:18:49

Super nosy person here too. No interest in them other than curiosity. I look at exes Facebook pics too even though I'm no longer attracted to them nor would ever want anything to do with them. Pure noseyness

SandyY2K Tue 23-Jan-18 17:34:59

I look at Exes sometimes. It's curiosity.

How is your relationship generally?

This may sound obvious, but does he know infidelity is a dealbreaker to you, after your Ex?

BusterTheBulldog Tue 23-Jan-18 18:19:21

What would be a deal breaker for me though, so someone checking through my own search history. Does he know you do that?

mindutopia Tue 23-Jan-18 18:23:36

As long as he's not contacting her and trying to hook up with her, I don't think it's an issue. I snoop on all sorts of people from my past, including exes, random friends of friends I got drunk and had sex with in my 20s, etc. I'm just nosy. If anything, it's because I sort of enjoy judging people. I do NOT in any way find any of them at all attractive or have any desire to ever contact any of them. I think you're overthinking this.

Ohyesiam Tue 23-Jan-18 18:57:50

The thing is, it's ok to look isn't it?
I'm mostly attracted to the way people are rather than how they look. But there was a photo of some star, Tom Hardy I think, that I just kept looking back at. I am happily married, and of TH walked in here now & winked at me I'd probably run a mile. And attractiveness is not finite, just because TH has it doesn't mean to my oh doesn't.
I imagine most people in relationships that they are truly committed to like the look of others from time to time.
I do sympathise, everybody like to feel like the one and only, but when I think about it with my head, I realise it's a but of a
' reaction'.

rumred Tue 23-Jan-18 19:19:24

Another ex checker here. Prurient interest. No hidden motives
But... Can see how it looks suspect
Like there's unfinished business. Which sometimes people have

ittakes2 Wed 24-Jan-18 09:03:16

Do you think he had a fling with the old aupair? Seems a coincidence he has looked at her and a woman he has a fling with. Ie he might be looking up exes rather than at attractive women.

Chippyway Wed 24-Jan-18 09:49:47

I occasionally look at ex’s or people from my past

It doesn’t mean I love my partner any less

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