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Feel terrible. Am I an awful person?

(257 Posts)
Oldsunset1 Tue 23-Jan-18 07:26:23

Been with my partner for ten years. On many levels he is a great person - kind generous, same interests as me, hoodsith my friends and family.

But the bad side is I feel all major life decisions have been put off or stalled because of him refusing to be upfront - not buying a house, not getting engaged. I gave him an ultimatum a few years ago and regularly bring it up but he just says soonsnd it's really got to me. I feel so upset. In addition his family have openly said they hope he stays single, I've been excluded from events and he makes no effort to stick up for me. In actual fact he still goes out of his way to keep in touch and have a good relationship with them knowing how they've behaved and continue to behave to me. I feel this is so disloyal to me.

Last weekend my best friend got engaged. Her partner put some thought and effort into it. They've been going out for 18 months. It's brought it home to me how shit things are with my DP. I think he's finally realised I've had enough and has said he is going to get a ring. I just don't see the point. If you have to convince and beg someone to marry you what's the point anymore. He said he was going to go with his friend today to find one. He doesn't even know what I like despite telling him in the past. Last night I wrote his friend and him a long email. I was so angry, I told them not to bother and said some awful things about him and his family.

I've woken up today and I feel terrible. I don't recognise who I am anymore and I feel so sad. I don't know what I'm asking for really. I just feel frightened and alone.

PNGirl Tue 23-Jan-18 07:43:27

I think after 10 years it is expected that you would snap. You might get comments saying it's not about a ring, talking about getting married means you're engaged etc. but it doesn't seem that your partner sees it that way. Who wants to be bought an engagement ring to shut them up?

You have sent the message now. You can either thrash it out with him now he knows how you have been feeling and see if you can salvage it, or call it a day.

Oldsunset1 Tue 23-Jan-18 07:49:43

Thanks for your reply pngirl I feel so incredibly let down. I know all the things I want - home, children, marriage - have been out on hold. I feel he has refused and deliberately not been upfront about not wanting any of this or not being bothered. Instead he's just said one day. We are both getting on. All his family have children who are late teens / early 20s now. I feel so betrayed and i feel like big life events which should be joyous and momentous and fun to take on together have had everything sucked out of them.

I don't know what his friend will think of me when he sees what I wrote. I feel very down about it and that I now have to start all over again.

ravenmum Tue 23-Jan-18 07:57:26

A couple of things stand out to me from what you've written. First that you say you gave him an ultimatum - but that it obviously wasn't one, was it? An ultimatum would be "We have to get married or I'm leaving", but you're still in the same position years later so you obviously didn't say that.
Secondly that his family want him to "stay single". He's been with you ten years but is single? Does he think that he's single?

Sounds like you have hung around far too long with someone who does not want what you want, and are now annoyed with him because you chose to hang around.

ravenmum Tue 23-Jan-18 08:01:25

You say you want a home, children and marriage. Not that you want to be with him, have children with him, marry him. Sounds a bit like you have a life plan and he is only part of it because happens to be your partner at this time. Is it just the wording that makes it sound like that?

ShatnersWig Tue 23-Jan-18 08:02:54

While he hardly sounds like the proverbial catch, I honestly don't see this as all his fault. A relationship or partnership is about two people. But the fact is he is like this and up until not you've settled for this. If you weren't happy about him not sticking up for you, you could have walked. If he wasn't on the same page as you about when you wanted children, you could have walked. If you weren't happy about not buying a house together, you could walked. Yet you didn't.

You wanted to get engaged. He, presumably, didn't propose. Did you propose to him?

You say you gave him an ultimatum, yet it clearly wasn't one, because here you are a few years later, in exactly the same place.

You're not a terrible person, you're entitled to be happy. But I'm afraid if you're very unhappy about the situation you have to accept a significant part of that. Get out now and start living and go and find someone on the same page as you; and if they aren't then call it a day and keep looking.

RJnomore1 Tue 23-Jan-18 08:03:15

Who is this friend you mention you emailed? What is his/her role in your relationship?

Finola1step Tue 23-Jan-18 08:04:59

May I ask how old you are? If you have been together since teens and are now 27/28, then I would say that it was sensible to wait. But if you have been together since your mid 20s and you are both now hitting 35ish, then he's wasting your time.

Do you actually want to marry him or do you want to be married?

Gazelda Tue 23-Jan-18 08:07:26

I think it's time to take control of your own life. Deliver an ultimatum if you wish, but mean it. Tell him you won't accept the behaviour from his family. Decide whether you are going to buy a home or not.
I think you may discover that you could be happier separating from him.

ADarkandStormyKnight Tue 23-Jan-18 08:11:55

I don't recognise who I am anymore

This struck me. Time to move on. Better times ahead!

Oldsunset1 Tue 23-Jan-18 08:11:58

Yes I gave him an ultimatum. I obviously didn't follow through on this, mainly because he said he would change, that we would get married and because I wanted to believe him.

His family do want him to be single. Does he think he's single? The honest answer is yes and no. I think he wants the upsides of a partner /m- the companionship, plus one to go to people's houses etc. But he also doesn't want it to interfere with his family life. For the first five years of our relationship he didn't tell his family about me. He's closely involved with them and they thought he was single. Since then they know. The way he behaves is he has a separate life with me most of the time and then sees them alone, never mentions me etc.

I want a home children and marriage. I've wanted that a long time and with him. But he's deliberately stalled and put things off and in turn it's now put me off. I don't want to marry someone who I've had to convince to marry me and who I feel has no real interest in doing any of these things but is only here because he thinks I might finally walk away.

Hoppinggreen Tue 23-Jan-18 08:12:25

Like rj I was going to ask about the friend
Why are they going to choose your ring and why have you emailed this person about your relationship?

oneggshellsallthetime Tue 23-Jan-18 08:16:27

Please don't worry about what his friend will think. If he has any emotional intelligence he will understand what drove you to write the email. And if he doesn't... does what he thinks matter? Please don't beat yourself up about that. Keep your reserves for moving on to have the life and relationship you wish for.

Oldsunset1 Tue 23-Jan-18 08:17:24

i do feel like this is my fault. I have told him numerous times over the years how I feel. But I've never had the courage to walk away. Even now I worry that I will just cave and remain here. He promises the moon and earth but I know deep down he doesn't really believe it and won't follow through.

I had actually proposed to him 4 years ago but he said he didn't want to get married then as he had bought his own flat and was too stressed with that. We have spoken many times about getting engaged and starting a family, buying a home but it's always in the future. I've started to realise it probably will not happen.

It is my fault because I haven't taken responsibility to change things. I've hoped and listened that he would stick up for me with his family and he hasn't.

ravenmum Tue 23-Jan-18 08:21:13

I think the mistake was probably not sticking to the ultimatum - "by X date" and if nothing changes by then, you're out, as that tells you how he really feels. I went through with an ultimatum of this kind myself and it wasn't nice t stick with, but I haven't regretted it, as the man in question is still in the same place as before a year later, while I have moved on. I'm afraid that you've been sticking your head in the sand a bit here too, ignoring the obvious signs because you didn't want to see them.

No wonder you are pissed off now. I think your outburst was probably about right, if that means it's over between you? No need to worry about what his friend thinks, if you're not there to see the reaction anyway!

Oldsunset1 Tue 23-Jan-18 08:21:47

Sorry. So I have been very upset in the last five days over my partner'sbehsviour with his family and the lack of any progress in our lives together. Then I found out my best friend is engaged. It sounds like her partner put a lot of thought and effort into it and they are very happy.

It's made me realise if two people want to get married they will. One won't have to convince the other endlessly to do it. I've felt very upset over this. And so yesterday my partner decided that he would propose this week I guess. he said his friend was going with him today to help choose a ring and introduce him to some jewellers. I think his friend is going with him for moral support really.

I just feel like that is all so insincere and pressured. I don't want to marry him simply because he feels that now he has to do it.

ravenmum Tue 23-Jan-18 08:22:39

Crossposted - I'd say you've simply, finally, seen the light, then. Do something about it or you will be in the same place in another five years' time feeling even worse.

Justwaitingforaline Tue 23-Jan-18 08:22:51

I’m sorry OP, but I think you know that you need to leave if you want things like marriage and babies.

You’ll still be waiting around in 5 years time and resent the hell of our him for it, more than you already do. I wouldn’t want anyone to marry me in these circumstances - you deserve a hell of a lot better and to feel worth something.

PNGirl Tue 23-Jan-18 08:23:12

I don't think he will, unfortunately. I don't think you want the same things. It's unfair for him to say he does to keep you around, but it's also a little unfair to keep pressuring him when you know deep down he doesn't.

ravenmum Tue 23-Jan-18 08:24:03

(And possibly married with kids, with a not-bothered partner who didn't even mention you to his family for five bloody years!)

BerkInBag Tue 23-Jan-18 08:24:04

His family reject you and want him to be single. There's a big red flag right there. I've read too many very sad threads on here with this situation causing terrible problems in a marriage. My gut says LTB

If he doesn't defend you against his family's hostility now why would he ever?

RestingBitchFaced Tue 23-Jan-18 08:24:12

Give him another ultimatum and mean it, or you will have a ring and be engaged forever but never married. Then you either have a choice to live like this or leave and find someone else who wants the same things as you

ShatnersWig Tue 23-Jan-18 08:26:26

Then don't bloody marry him. He's clearly not on the same page as you, hasn't been for ages but you've gone along with it.

Grow some backbone, take control of YOUR life, get out and find someone else.

ADishBestEatenCold Tue 23-Jan-18 08:27:05

Regardless of how he reacts to your email, regardless of whether he buys a ring or not, I think you have just one decision to make.

Will you end it and leave the relationship or will you spend the next however many years with someone who simply doesn't want what you want.

Whatever you decide, make your decision and then get on with it, because ... while he has spent ten years living his life as he chooses and treating you as just a part of that life ... you have spent ten years waiting for something to happen, instead of making decisions based on what you could/can do.

ShatnersWig Tue 23-Jan-18 08:28:10

No, don't give him another ultimatum, as Resting suggests. You didn't follow through on the last one, so he will assume you won't on this one either. Won't work now. And anyway, you don't want to marry someone who is basically forced into it. Who does? It won't be a happy marriage and you probably won't get the kids either.

Just GET OUT. Seriously, it's the only answer to this one.

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