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In need of some advice

(14 Posts)
Props132 Tue 23-Jan-18 02:29:00

Hi, so me and my partner have been together for over a year and quite honestly even though we’re living pretty much on either sides of the world, we’ve been able to work it out. We talk about everything and anything. We also make sure that we’re pretty open about our feelings and make sure that we talk about our relationship all the time. So I recently came back from visiting my partner over the Christmas and new year season. Somehow I felt like things have changed recently ever since I came back and maybe even before but a lot more noticeable now. So I decided to talk to my partner about the fact that we’ve recently been talking about our relationship less and spending time less too. Which should not be the case since they’re not as busy now as they were a few months back. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to talk about this here but we’ve also been less sexually active and I felt like I was doing something wrong. I spoke to them about the issue and said that we should try to work on the relationship a bit more as we are both becoming too relaxed. This is when I was faced with them stating that there has been two occasions where my actions have scared them and I am honestly so upset and ashamed of myself since I was so oblivious . My partner has said that they have already forgiven me for my actions however, I feel extremely awful. I have apologised but I still feel so ashamed of myself for making my partner feel that way. I don’t know how to move on from this as my partner has told me to just move on but I feel like we should discuss it more. My partner however feels that dwelling on it will just hurt our relationship even more so. I’m not sure what to do. Please can anyone give me some advise.

Ireallylovetea2 Tue 23-Jan-18 02:33:34

It's hard to give the right advice without knowing what it was that you did that scared him so much?

CircleofWillis Tue 23-Jan-18 06:56:55

It is worrying that you were unaware at the time of whatever it is you did ‘wrong’. Were you drinking or were you simply not aware it was wrong.

Is the action something the outside world would disapprove of or is it a private rule of your partner’s you have broken.

To comment properly would be impossible without knowing what you did as a PP said. For example my responses to physical or emotional violence or sexist/racist language would be different to you having left your dirty plate in the wrong place.

category12 Tue 23-Jan-18 07:47:45

Scared them how?

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz Tue 23-Jan-18 07:49:22

Theres no advice we can give without details, sorry

Mellodrama Tue 23-Jan-18 07:51:17

Who's 'them' that you refer to? Sorry your post is a little confusing? hmm

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Tue 23-Jan-18 07:53:28

Mellodrama - use of they/them suggests OP is trying to conceal genders. Agree more info needed.

Lweji Tue 23-Jan-18 07:54:26

What did you do that was so scary?

I find it odd that you are the one who wants to address it and they want to move on without discussing it.

Mellodrama Tue 23-Jan-18 07:57:56

Aahhh, my apologies confused

thiswas Tue 23-Jan-18 08:12:19

It could be that the partner is looking for a way out by overblowing something minor.

Either way it looks like on both sides the relationship had run its course.

Distance in relationships is like wind to fire: it either kills them or enhances them. In your case it sounds like your relationship wasn't up to the test of distance. Which is not a bad outcome at least you know where you stand.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 23-Jan-18 10:30:14

Is this ever going to be anything but very long distance?
Can you not find people locally?
Nothing wrong with LD but if you are young and nothing is ever going to change I feel like you are wasting your life!?
And we do need to understand to some extent what 'scared' your DP?

Props132 Tue 23-Jan-18 10:52:33

Her - so yes, I wasn’t sure if I should disclose that I’m in a same sex relationship or not. Anyway, so the issue was that, twice when I’ve been talking to her through Skype and she’s decided to speak to others around her having a full conversation with them when we’ve had something important to discuss and both times I got annoyed and refused to talk to her for a few hours. Honestly, I don’t understand how that could have scared her. Even still, during those times I specifically remember having been the one to apologise because I got annoyed. She always says that she loves me and wants things to work out but I feel like lately when I do become honest with her there’s a lot of excuses. I know I love her and the distance thing will be closed by the end of the year since she’s only there for a contractual work. Honestly, I want it to work out so badly. Yes we’re young, but to be honest I want to fight for this relationship. Update on the situation; she’s now upset as she feels like since I’ve brought up the fact that we’ve not had much time for each other, she feels like she’s doing something wrong. I am so confused right now and I honestly do not know what to do or think of..

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 23-Jan-18 11:02:25

No one should fight for a relationship, just no. That is not how such things work. That way of thinking also tells me that your boundaries anyway in relationships are way off; the fact that this is a same sex relationship is irrelevant. I also think this has run its course, it was really over during the Christmas and new year period. You are not right for each other now and it seems that she wants out.

Examine your own reasons as to why you so want this to work at all; fear of failure perhaps?.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 23-Jan-18 11:59:08

I think she is losing interest to be frank.
Can you suggest a proper break?
No contact for 2 weeks. See how you both feel after the 2 weeks.
And as PP says - you shouldn't have to 'fight' at this stage.
It should be all hearts and flowers and lovey dovey!
This is NOT that!

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