My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

should I end my marriage

24 replies

lostcountoftheways · 22/01/2018 22:40

Because I try so hard to be attracted to my husband and I can't.
Looks wise he's still the same, it's his extremely bad grammar, the way he goes on about the same point for such a long time when all he needed was one sentence to explain it, the way he pulls on his lip constantly, the way he procrastinates and you'd literally have to ask him for something 5 times before he will do it, the way he never looks at me when we're out instead looking at everyone else and telling me what they're buying or doing or saying. How no matter how many times I've told him my likes and dislikes he still buys me a generic bath set for my birthday.
on the other hand he does more than 50 percent of looking after our kids, does all the handyman stuff, let's me lie in, tells me I'm beautiful all the time, makes me a cup of tea in the morning, has never shouted at me, has never been mean to me.
I tried to make myself sleep with him today and after about half hour of sitting next to him i realised I cant, i havr a high sex drive and we usually have sex about three times a week but not for the last few months.
Why are all these petty little things bothering me so much? He's always been dopey but now I have children all this stuff really irritates me even though I try to ignore it.
He's much nicer to me than anyone else I've ever been with.
I feel so guilty.
I'm a complete bitch and he deserves better doesn't he,
I feel like i should leave and let him move on

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 22/01/2018 22:43

Counselling first. Is it possible you fell for him because he was so lovely to you compared to other men, rather than because you actually liked him?

lostcountoftheways · 22/01/2018 22:48

i find him physically attractive just like I did before.
I've always told him he's too nice, very trusting and will do anything for anyone but that's one of the things I liked and now I hate it.
it's me, hes done nothing wrong and I don't know how to fix things anymore.

OP posts:
Hahbah6 · 22/01/2018 22:51

Are you ok in general feelings wise at the moment because to go from liking someone enough to have sex 3 times a week to never wanting it in a few months is unusual. It usually takes much longer than that to get to where you are.

proudmum4 · 22/01/2018 22:53

Silly question but is there a chance you could be pregnant?
Sometimes hormones make you like this
Sorry you haven't stated how long you've been married so I'm not being rude I know how pregnancy has made me that's all
Xx

lostcountoftheways · 22/01/2018 22:58

no I'm not pregnant.
I've been feeling like this for a long time to be honest but I used to be able to switch off and still have sex like I said I have a very strong drive.
I have asked for a divorce in th3 past year but he says he wouldn't and he loves me too much. The reason for me asking was because I feel like we're drifting apart
He really bores me and I feel like i make him go out with us and go on holidays or do an activity when really he would rather be home doing diy or watching football.
we don't have the same likes and are on a different level intellectually.
I know I'm coming across like a selfish bitch but I can't stop the way I feel and like I said I don't know how to fix this.

OP posts:
lostcountoftheways · 22/01/2018 23:02

Basically this has been a long time coming but I thought we could bounce back to how we were.
instead it's getting worse.

OP posts:
Hahbah6 · 22/01/2018 23:04

Maybe give counselling a go? Personally it didn’t work for me and I knew it was over. When the feeling is lost for me, it’s lost forever.

BertyFlanter · 22/01/2018 23:12

I have been in a reasonably similar situation, and am now at decree nisi stage. One of the biggest catalysts was reading one comment here (on someone else’s thread. ) “you only get one life” that has been a mantra of mine for some time.

lostcountoftheways · 22/01/2018 23:13

I've asked about counselling and he says we don't need it or will make up other excuses.
He says I only feel the way i feel because I'm bored at home with 3 children.
I love my kids I find them anything but boring and I have many friends and I am currently studying in order to get a better job once my youngest is on nursery.

OP posts:
BertyFlanter · 22/01/2018 23:13

Btw wish I knew who posted it, they don’t know how that one post changed my life!

Lefty1 · 23/01/2018 00:11

@bertyflanter sorry to be nosy but are you much happier now?

BertyFlanter · 23/01/2018 01:55

I am! I am still in light at the end of the tunnel stage but just saying it out loud and making it real was such a weight off my shoulders.

I wouldn’t change a thing! Another post that resonated with me was “you’re are long time dead” to not have a sex life. I always told myself I had a low sex drive so it was ok, but actually I haven’t. I just didn’t have a sex drive for him. He is not a terrible man, and I hope one day we can be friends, but lovers, never again.
And I can’t wait to put my re-discovered libido into action Grin

arsenaltilidie · 23/01/2018 01:57

Stop talking to whomever you are talking and decide what you want from your marriage first.

BertyFlanter · 23/01/2018 02:08

@arsenaltilidie where does the OP say she is talking to anyone else?
Projecting much?

Bellamuerte · 23/01/2018 03:35

Did you marry him because he was "nice" rather than because you were genuinely interested in him? Were you ever attracted to his personality or have you always felt like you were settling? My parents divorced because my dad admitted he married my mum for her looks and couldn't handle the lack of an intellectual connection any more.

JellyBean31 · 23/01/2018 06:13

Counselling doesn't have to be joint if you think it might help you go on your own. It might help you turn this gs around or it might help you see that splitting is the right thing for you.

lostcountoftheways · 23/01/2018 08:42

Thank you guys you're right I should try counselling on my own.
I've always had to push him to do things like apply for better jobs to use his potential or to fix things or do this or that and it never bothered me before but now all my energy goes to my kids and I realise that I don't even have to push them a lot to do anything , they have motivation and love to excel at stuff and have many interests and it feels like my husband is the biggest child of them all and I'm sick of acting like a mother to him

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/01/2018 10:21

he says he wouldn't and he loves me too much
Well who made him the boss of divorces?
If you want to divorce him then you can.
You don't need his permission.
He can make it harder for you but he can't stop you.

I'm not sure what advice to give to be honest.
There are 3 young children in all this.

Can you read him your opening thread?
Have you ever laid it out to him like you have here?

Or ultimatum time.
Tell him you want a divorce or joint counselling.
There is no in between.
You DO need it and him burying his head is only making you go off him even more.
He needs some hard truths.
Time to give them to him.

Davespecifico · 23/01/2018 10:26

It might be kinder to him in the long run if you divorce There’s bound to be someone more suited to him out there.

serialcheat · 23/01/2018 11:28

Op

I agree with you, he’s far too good for you, if you don’t like being ‘ The bitch ‘, end it... for his sake, not yours.....

There is a woman out there who will make him happy and love him for who he is.

Hermonie2016 · 23/01/2018 11:37

Definitely go for solo counselling.

It could be a midlife issue and throwing away a non abusive marriage may not be right..he could be right, 3 dc, stay at home can make you frustrated and bored and you are looking to him to fill you up.

How old are you? What age were you when you got together?

user1495451339 · 23/01/2018 11:43

Very hard to tell you how to feel. My husband annoys me a lot too but I love him and still find him attractive so I suppose that counterbalances the irritation! Not sure what to suggest. He sounds an overall decent bloke and you have children together so surely worth some counselling.

You have a lot to lose from divorce in terms of access to your children as he is doing more than 50% of childcare at the moment.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

lostcountoftheways · 23/01/2018 12:45

we have been together since we met in university and now we're both in our 30s.
He doesn't do more than 50 percent of childcare, he gets them up and ready for school every morning but I do the girls hair and have their clothes ready the night before and homework sorted etc.. He then comes home at 8 and puts them to bed, they're already bathed and in pjs by then.
He does take them to activites on weekend mornings so in essence he does do as much as time allows and I have no issues with his parenting.
I seem to need to parent him though, hes never made a decision by himself without either me or his mother making it for him, if we don't he could dither about undecided for days.
I have to motivate him to do everything, he will complain relentlessly about fitness or food or jobs and then not do anything about it.
our son has been scouted by a major football team, he is happy to take credit for it although I'm the one who put him in training classes and bought him all his football stuff because I noticed he had a passion for it. if left up to his dad he would still be talking about getting him this and that and never do it, I think what I'm trying to say is that his lack of motivation or passion for anything just bores me, I don't have time to parent him I have 3 children already.

OP posts:
lostcountoftheways · 23/01/2018 12:46

And yes I know i still sound petty and ungrateful and I know he can do so much better than me. I'm not the right match for him.
in honesty he could find someone just like that, hes good looking and kind but I just need someone with a bit more fire in them or just to be alone for a while maybe.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.