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Would this bother you?

(19 Posts)
Workthisout Mon 22-Jan-18 15:11:40

Must start by saying that I realise that I am not being rational here at all however I'd like to know if this would bother anyone else.

Been with DP three years. Absolute love of my life, I have never felt this way about anyone before. He makes me feel safe, protected, beautiful, intelligent and he is always there for me. I know he loves me.

We have both been married before, both for about 10 years.

The difference being...I was not in a happy marriage. I suppose at some point I did love exH, but we had kids and got married quickly and for most of our marriage I just wanted it to be over.

DPs marriage was ok. Nothing wrong with it at all. They just grew apart.

Now here's the thing. I can't remember exactly what was said but we were discussing marriage etc and he said something about it being the second time around. I said that this time it was 'for real' though and that I was sure it would last forever.

He said that I must have felt the same way last time round when I married exH. I said no, I knew all along that wasn't gonna last. This time I know it will as I have now met the man of my dreams.

That's when DP said that last time he got married he thought it was going to last forever and that she was the woman of his dreams. Or else he wouldn't have got married.

Now, here's where I know I'm being irrational and unreasonable. It bothered me to no end that he said this! He is practically saying that he loves me the same amount as he loved his ex wife? How on earth can he know that we are going to last if he though the same about the last one?

Would anyone else feel bothered about their DP loving their exW "the same" as they love you?

Lefty1 Mon 22-Jan-18 15:18:53

You could look at it from the other side of the fence as I think it's more worrying for your husband that you would agree to marriage knowing it wouldn't last ...bit unnecessary to go that far . Also you're husband didn't say he loves you the same he just advised that he thought his prior marriage would last as that is why he got married in the first place?

NerNerNerNerBATMAN Mon 22-Jan-18 15:19:07

hmm no this wouldn't bother me at all. It's perfectly normal to walk down the aisle expecting it will last forever and that the person whom you're marrying is the best match for you.

Sorry that wasn't you're experience OP, but it's pretty standard.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 22-Jan-18 15:19:07

You don't know if it's going to last.
He doesn't know either.
Yes it's totally irrational!
Who knows if he loves you 'the same' or differently?
And if he loved her with his whole heart - why isn't this enough for you?
I didn't get married lightly.
I got married because I loved my OH and thought we would spend the rest of our lives together.
I would suggest 80% of the population that have ever got married do this too.
You are in the minority here!
Stop dwelling on it.
It's a good that he married thinking it was going to last.
As most people do!!!!

I think you have some serious issues to work through.
Try some counselling.

Knittedfairies Mon 22-Jan-18 15:19:17

Perhaps his ex had the same thoughts as you did about your first husband; he wasn’t the love of her life, and she didn’t think the marriage was for 'real'?

Lefty1 Mon 22-Jan-18 15:20:20

End of the day he is with you and wants robbed married to you now so I think chill out a bit smile

scottishdiem Mon 22-Jan-18 15:21:04

Um, you said so yourself. They grew apart. That does not invalidate the feelings that prompted the marriage in the first place. It just means over about a decade they really changed a lot. Which can happen if they married in their 20s for example.

Mind you, he could post here and ask about you - "why did the woman I am marrying not really love her first husband in terms of it being something that she wanted to last. How on earth can I know if my marriage is going to last if that is how much marriage means to her?

user1493413286 Mon 22-Jan-18 15:25:28

I felt like that with an ex but now with my current DP I feel that I really know it. So it’s almost like I thought I knew it before but I was wrong but this time is different. As happened before it could turn out I was wrong but I don’t think it will. If you’re following me are you sure he didn’t mean that? Most people go into marriages thinking it will last and that it’s the real thing but it just doesn’t work out that way.
I don’t think he is saying he loves you the same, just that he thought he loved her enough then maybe he found new amounts of love he didn’t know existed with you.

AgathaF Mon 22-Jan-18 15:42:00

I think you should be pleased that he intends to take his marriage seriously, any marriage seriously. That's surely the way it should be?

As has already been said, I think he has more to worry about that he knows you have already entered one marriage knowing that it wouldn't last. Did your ex-h know you thought this way? Did he feel the same?

Workthisout Mon 22-Jan-18 15:47:54

Ok, just me then!

It was definitely different with exH. I was 22 and 8 months pregnant when we got married, and pretty much had to get married. There was no proposal, big wedding etc. Just got married because we had to. I wanted it to last forever but never thought it would.

Suggesting I need counselling and that I've got serious issues is a bit much? Isn't it? I'm just having a wobble.

I felt like that with an ex but now with my current DP I feel that I really know it. So it’s almost like I thought I knew it before but I was wrong but this time is different.

How is it different now? Theoretically it could be the same?

Anyone else here who thought they were right the first time round but are now with someone else? How do you know it's right this time if you've felt the same way before?

yetmorecrap Mon 22-Jan-18 16:15:22

I think the vast majority of people getting married these days, do expect it will work out, although no one can say forever. Unfortunately ‘life’ often seems to get in the way , people change, circumstances change and some people seem to need a constant buzz and when they aren’t getting that then they create drama in life. It would be interesting to do a drama series a bit like one called 7 up that Granada did about children at 7, 14, 21 etc (basically every 7 years) and do the same with some marriages.

meowimacat Mon 22-Jan-18 16:15:33

Hugs, I would feel the same but I guess what you have to take from it is that he DID get married again after going through one divorce. That shows that even though he'd gone through heartbreak he loved you that much he was willing to get married again.

sassymuffin Mon 22-Jan-18 16:17:36

I think your DP has been very (painfully) honest to tell you how seriously he took his previous marriage vows. I understand that it stings to hear how he felt about his ex wife on his wedding day but it really shows he is a thoughtful person who believes in truth and commitment.

I also wasn't sure that my marriage to my ex husband would work out either and I get really annoyed with my younger self that I went through with the wedding, but as the saying goes "you live and learn".

I'm sure he isn't comparing you to his ex wife in any way at all. Many people fall in love with different people over the course of their life and each relationship is unique in its own way. We never love different people "the same" as a previous partner as everyone is individual.

We can hope and have faith that a relationship with a partner will last but you can never "know" 100% because of the individual conditions that are attached.

It sounds as if you have a fantastic relationship with your partner so I wouldn't overthink this too much.

MikeUniformMike Mon 22-Jan-18 16:19:14

YANBU, but you both have pasts, you've both moved on. You are together now and want to spend the rest of your lives together. What happened 15 or 20 years ago shouldn't matter because you didn't know each other then.
I would not give this headspace.

routineplease Mon 22-Jan-18 16:28:44

I'd feel reassured that the man I was about to marry had integrity and took his commitment to me seriously.

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 22-Jan-18 16:32:49

I think what he said was fine, but he obviously failed to say this essential bit: “But I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, darling”. Or words to that effect.

Otherwise it’s emotionally unintelligent of him, I think.

Felicitycity Mon 22-Jan-18 16:54:51

Most people who get married are madly in love with the person they are marrying.........but sometimes it doesn't work out. It didn't work out for your husband last time, but now you've been lucky enough to find each other. Don't waste any more time on getting hold of the wrong end of the stick and beating yourself with it. He loves you. You love him. How lovely. Make the most of it. Give him an extra hard squeeze tonight.

Thingsdogetbetter Mon 22-Jan-18 17:29:08

He loved her and they grew apart. He loves you know and he'll make sure the same doesn't happen again. Like a practice run!

Thingsdogetbetter Mon 22-Jan-18 17:29:22

Know = now.

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