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Suggestions for MAIM

8 replies

FrustrationNation · 22/01/2018 08:02

Right you've all been fab! I got abusive husband out the door last year, started divorce proceedings and feel a lot better!

I'm now going to an initial mediation meeting which may, or may not, lead to mediation as they're not sure it's applicable. Of course STBXH still goes on how I'm just saying this to be manipulative and it's all my fault, whilst still emotionally abusing the children.

Anyhow, when looking at contact arrangement, does anyone have any suggestions for how to word things? I'm starting to look at spending some time away over the summer and I know he won't swap or be flexible at all. I'd like to suggest some kind of system for this beyond being rigid. I'm wondering what's worked for you?

To be honest I'm hoping they don't say to go through with it. I still shake whenever I have to deal with him, and he's regularly breached the protective steps on the section 47. Thanks!

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Offred · 22/01/2018 08:09

If you are actively frightened of him and he is still actively abusing you then it is unlikely they will consider mediation appropriate TBH.

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Offred · 22/01/2018 08:12

And I know it’s not what you want but IMO having a contact schedule that is rigid helps if you are dealing with an abuser (though you say he is abusive to the DC too so this is a concern re contact). If you have flexibility in it then it will be used to control you.

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FrustrationNation · 22/01/2018 08:22

Yeah that's what I'm worried about. At the moment he's living with his mum and she supervises visits. However, he still manages to feed the kids a lot of crap to think about and it's causing them anxiety. When (if, he's lazy) he moves out then social services said they would look at his care but in the meantime are OK with supervised contact. It's just so hard. He never hit me, although would got violent with furniture, but the emotional toll was horrific.

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Offred · 22/01/2018 08:37

It is still early days. Try to deal with things one thing at a time and don’t allow your fears to sweep you up.

The ‘one thing’ right now is the MIAM - just explain that you are fearful of him and that he is still actively abusing you.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/01/2018 08:38

What Offred wrote earlier. Mediation is not appropriate when the other party has and continues to try and exert such power and control. The abuser never co-operates and will not do so now. I would not want your children to be any further subjected to his emotional manipulations, I would keep them well away from him.

I would contact the Rights of Women and Womens Aid if you have not already done so and seek their counsel as well.

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FrustrationNation · 22/01/2018 09:17

I have an outreach worker from the local crisis centre that has said legally I can't stop him seeing them so it's better to try maintaining control. You're all right though, I'm getting so caught up in my fear it's hard to see the way through!

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Offred · 22/01/2018 09:21

Why is an outreach worker from a crisis centre trying to give you legal advice? That’s very unprofessional!

Have you spoken to a solicitor re concerns about contact? Obviously SC have said supervision means they are satisfied but he is still EA the DC even though he is being supervised.

Not saying stop the contact necessarily but that maybe he needs supervision by someone with safeguarding qualifications and that the EA needs to be recorded.