Can I reach my husband before it's too late?

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

I have seen that my husband has been googling women we both know looking for naked pics of them and when not finding any has looked at porn afterwards. He has done this when I'm sleeping.
I have always told him I've no issue with him watching porn alone or together. Just dont want him to hide stuff. He has always said he doesn't need or like porn. He has occasionally watched it before and I never minded. I am more worried about the lack of connection and him looking at his childhood sweetheart and this other female aquaintance (who fwiw is a horrid person and my brother's ex and who he knows I dislike).
We have two very young ds together. I want to work out how to connect with my husband and gain greater intimacy with him. I feel I could do better meeting his emotional needs. I don't know how. I have Asperger's. His relationship with his mother is strained and I feel he may have childhood issues with her that are causing this and in turn causing marital issues for us.
For what its worth I am slim and attractive enough to turn heads including his. Take good care of myself nails, heels makeup etc which I know he likes my style.
I make an effort in the bedroom. His tastes are very vanilla.
I think he needs to feel more safe with me. Has anyone got any advice for me. Please I just want him to feel alright. He's such a good man. Thanks for reading.

[Peanutbuttercheese]

He doesn't sound especially good looking up people he knows searching for naked pics, that is creepy and has nothing to do with emotional needs. That's purely for sexual gratification. Did you find out by accident or did he tell you ?

Talking, listening and understanding are the key things in becoming connected to someone.

[Mom2K]

He sounds like a creep.

[Kateallison16]

Wow.
This isnt something you have done or an emotional connection. Hes just a cock and a pretty creepy one at that. You cannot change that no matter how much you try. This is a him problem.

[Katurah]

Is there a reason why his childhood sweetheart and your brothers ex would have naked pictures of themselves that could discovered on google?

He sounds unpleasant.

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

You all are right... it is a bit creepy but I think we all do weird things on the internet sometimes. I do feel it's emotional though. You see, my husband is not a purely physical kind of guy. Sex is really emotional to him.
He wasn't looking for naked pictures of his childhood sweetheart. Think he may have been wanting to chat with her but he doesn't use facebook so couldn't.
My brother's ex is a narc attention seeker and the town bike. I wouldn't be at all suprised to find naked pics or more of her. She's an 'actress' and I think she'd love to have anyone googling her! Husband does know I don't like her as she treated my brother badly. She looks similar to me... same build, complexion, eye colour, hair colour... which also are the same as mil!
I found out because I've been nosing in his phone. I only went in there to look at photos of the kids... normally we just use each others phones whenever. I just got a bit nosier than normal and looked at his history, I guess because I already felt something was off.
I found the childhood sweetheart search about a week ago. He searched it on boxing day. Since then he has put a lock on his phone.
I looked again tonight and found the other searches from two days ago.
He doesn't know I know as far as I'm aware. But locking his phone makes it seem like he knows. I haven't been grumpy or given any clue because I want to bring it up carefully if at all.
I would prefer to sort the underlying issue than confront him about this.
I believe his childhood with his mother may have been worse than he's told me. He seems to distrust me though I am not sure why. I want to build the trust and hopefully get to know him better and maybe he will disclose something if there is something.
Does anyone know where I can start? Or does everyone think I am foolish to try and should ltb? I won't, not over this, as I'm really not hurt or disgusted by it.

[Isetan]

I would prefer to sort the underlying issue than confront him about this.

You appear to be under the misguided impression that his issues are within your power to solve. You’re making that classic mistake of trying to fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed, let alone acknowledges that there is even a problem that needs attention.

Lying to you about his porn use and creepy online activities is how he has chosen to deal with his issues, it doesn’t sound like he wants to changer or wants your help.

Take a step back and acknowledge the person he is as opposed to the person you wish he was.

[StealthPolarBear]

You blame yourself, his brothers ex, his mother.
The poor little man in the centre of all this

[StealthPolarBear]

And in fact the way you describe his brothers ex is disgusting. Better a bike than a handmaiden

[pigeondujour]

[springydaff]

He's just not a very nice man.

But of course that's his er mother's fault. Or yours. Or er somebody else's.

[Candyandpop]

Why do you have to go out of your way to try and "help" him? Wearing high heels and having nice nails won't fix things. And putting responsibility on others for his bad behaviour is not going to sort things out.

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for him self and his actions.

[Cambionome]

Describing someone as the town bike is just appalling, op!

[Joysmum]

Isetan has put it beautifully.

As much as you want it to be, this isn't something you can solve. This is your husband’s problem and only he can acknowledge it and deal with it...if he wants to.

You can’t try enough to make up for his lack of responsibility and effort. Sorry.

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

Thanks for your honest opinions everyone. Just to clarify, she's MY brother's ex, not my partner's brother's ex.
She cheated on my brother with several different men and my brother had a breakdown and has never been the same since. That's why I dislike her. However, calling her a bike does seem harsh I suppose. I'd expect that if I acted like her though, and that's how I have heard almost everyone describe her and seemed the best way to explain her character without going into detail. That said, this is an internet forum, none of you know who I'm talking about. I would not say things like that in real life.

I understand what you're saying about trying to fix my husband. I don't actually want to "fix" him. I want to fix our relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with my husband. Also, you haven't met his mother. She's really just not very nice. Always calling my husband useless, telling him she will disown him if he does x or y (like wear a hat for example!)
I'm not a young girl or naieve. I know when something is a lost cause. But our marriage is generally good. And I don't wear heels or nails to fix things, rather because it's not ok to just let yourself go once married, and it's fun and good for my confidence...My husband also makes an effort with his appearance and wears things I like sometimes!

[BackInTheRoom]

With the greatest respect OP, this relationship sounds really weird? I've got a bad vibe about it or something? You sound codependent and he sounds like a Manipulator?

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

Thanks Bibbidee. Clearly our relationship isn't healthy if I am looking in his phone and he is looking up women. However I don't think he's being manipulative.
I have been codependant in the past and have worked on myself and I know I'd be fine without him. I don't have many friends because I prefer to have a few fulfilling friendships one on one than lots of friends as I find socialising quite draining because of my aspergers. I make sure to get plenty of fulfillment in my life away from him and the kids, such as playing in my band, modelling at charity fashion shows and going for lunch or coffee with friends or family members. I am quite happy for him to go out or stay out though he usually doesn't! Neither of us drink except the odd bottle of wine we share.
I honestly believe that some of the things he has divulged to me amount to childhood abuse and I'm concerned there may be more, as he has told me very little about his childhood. I guess my main concern is that he doesn't trust me enough to tell me and I don't know how to ask him without triggering his defenses.
I wonder what people would say if I was a husband looking to help his wife with childhood abuse.
My husband is a good man. He is not doing this stuff every night! He has only done it two times in the last 6 months and they were both in the last month. He isn't doing it to hurt me. He is not controlling. He enables me every freedom a mum of 2 under 2 can have by doing so much with the kids. Hence how I am able to do music, socialising, events, nails etc.

[Joysmum]

The problems with your relationship are a product of your husbands management of his issues...which only he can do.

You say you wonder what the advice would be if the genders were switched? To give you context my posts are the product of my issues in a previous relationship including rape. Of coarse I’ve bought that forward into my marriage but I recognise my DH has needs and that my behaviour is damaging. I may not want to damage him but I do thanks to my issues. That’s what I took a candid look at my behaviours and attitudes and have had help with it over the years. That’s what your DH needs to do too but he needs to want to which means moving out of his comfort zone. You can’t do that for him.

[Thinkingofausername1]

Hi
Unfortunately I've realised, it doesn't matter how slim or gorgeous you are, it's about if the man can have his cake and eat it. I think, if you can't address this with him; you need to ask him to leave. I don't think men like that respect any woman.

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

Joysmum, thanks so much for your post, it's genuinely helped.
I know my husband had counselling about some childhood stuff before I met him. He is quite emotionally intelligent and I am sure willing to do the work to heal. I think he may feel he has already finished though. Maybe he is as healthy as he can be right now. These things take time as well as work.
I'm so happy for you that you were able to disclose these issues to your husband and he has been gentle and patient about it. I do believe we can break free of our cycles and choose healthy (though imperfect!) partners if we are honest with ourselves and have access to services and information :) to you

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

I could address it with him anytime. I choose not to because all that would achieve is more guilt, deep shame and self loathing on his part.
Though he is generally confident and comical, warm and loving, there is already enough guilt, shame and self loathing beneath it. I feel he needs acceptance and love for who he is however flawed. I'm not sure he believes I love him for who he really is. But I do. I see and care about who he really is under there!
He is an advocate and protector of the weak and voiceless. He is the enemy of the manipulators and users. The trouble is, he doesn't believe he is enough. He has had a lifetime of putdowns and eyerolls. His good deeds have gone unacknowledged. He has been valued on his financial achievments only, if at all. Compliments and admiration do not penetrate into his psyche.
I know he doesn't want to use me, because I have always told him he can have his cake and eat it if he wants. He doesn't want that. He comitted to me because he chose to, not out of fear or duty.

[Coyoacan]

the way you describe his brothers ex is disgusting. Better a bike than a handmaiden

This

[Offred]

I feel he needs acceptance and love for who he is however flawed.

He may need to feel this way about himself.

It would not help him to rely on someone else feeling this way about him. This would be codependency.

I’m not sure how the lack of connection relates to the googling or the snooping TBH.

Are you trying to say that it is the reason you were snooping?

If you snoop then you undermine his ability to feel safe TBH so have likely made the problem worse.

Also, I think how you look and dress is almost completely unimportant/irrelevant. Be careful you aren’t too focused on things that are transient and superficial as the intimacy will suffer.

If the problem is intimacy, you perhaps struggle with some elements of that because of your aspergers and he perhaps struggles because of his childhood, then both of you address the barriers to intimacy that you have as individuals and try to bring the focus away from superficial things like hair, nails and clothes and onto things like laughing together and having fun.

You don’t have to like your bro’s ex but it has absolutely zero to do with whether he finds her attractive or not.

FWIW I would not want to be with a man who used porn even occasionally or who was googling for naked pics of people he knows - the latter is really creepy and fucked up and the former is just that I have moral objections to the sex industry.

[WombOfOnesOwn]

I don't think I understand. How would it in any way excuse this behavior if it turned out he'd been abused by his mother? You're looking for excuses.

[Weezol]

I'm still stuck at not 'letting yourself go just because you're married' thing. Have I woken up in 1953?

[Joysmum]

JUst to add, I appreciate you’re being sensitive towards him just as my dh has been. However that sensitivity doesn’t have to come at the complete cost of your needs. Your dh has to do something to show he’s coming towards your needs too. If he’s being pandered to all the time then he’s always within his comfort zone, never addressing his issues and you’ll never see change or have your needs met.

Ding get me wrong it took a lot of time and effort for me to start along this road off seeking help for myself. Despite things getting easier I’ll still get triggers. I know that if it wasn’t for wanting to not have my issues impactbon dh and dd I’d have been happy trying to shield myself in my own world. That’s not healthy.