Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP still has wedding dress and photo album

(37 Posts)
marmitecrumpets Sun 21-Jan-18 19:16:23

Hi.

Please be gentle with me.

I've been with my DP for nearly a year now. She still has her wedding dress and wedding photo album from when she was married to her ex. I am confused as to why she'd keep this. Is this normal or not?

She also is still technically married to her ex. And hasn't mentioned getting divorced to her. She tells me it's because she can't afford the £550. I wish it was done. It's hard dating someone else's wife!

I really do love my DP, and I'm sure she loves me. Am I worrying over nothing?!

YearOfYouRemember Sun 21-Jan-18 19:18:21

Legally it's an issue should she die. She'll get everything as is still the wife.

hevonbu Sun 21-Jan-18 19:23:34

You don't throw away an expensive memorable dress or a wedding photo album!

Worse is the second paragraph "technically married".

Angelf1sh Sun 21-Jan-18 19:24:01

I think it’s perfectly normal to keep the wedding albums, just like I’m sure somewhere you’ve got holiday snaps of you and previous partners - surely you don’t eradicate every trace of former relationships once you’re out of them? The memories are still nice even if the relationship ended. The wedding dress is similar, albeit slightly less common.

RatRolyPoly Sun 21-Jan-18 19:25:27

All I can say is I still have the dress I married in and the photos. I was also still married when I met my fiance (although I'd been trying to darnedest to track down my ex and divorce him) and I can absolutely assure you my dp had/has no reason to worry. I can imagine not bothering to divorce in certain circumstances, and I don't know anyone who would get rid of photos they feel they look banging in; same goes for a dress!

marmitecrumpets Sun 21-Jan-18 19:29:28

Thank you everyone.

@hevonbu what do you mean? What's wrong with saying technically married? I mean just on paper, not acting married in any other sense

lunar1 Sun 21-Jan-18 19:31:08

She's not technically married, she's legally married and that's huge if something happens. Do you live together?

mindutopia Sun 21-Jan-18 19:33:25

I don't think that's weird. It's part of her history. Of course she wouldn't want to just erase it. Now if she insisted upon putting the album out on display on the coffee table or regularly puts the dress on and stares longingly into the mirror...that would be a different story.

I've only been married once (and still happily married), but I couldn't see ever getting rid of my wedding dress and photos. It's part of my memories, even though it's not like I ruminate on it everyday. My mum got divorced from my dad in 1987 and has long been remarried to my stepdad. I doubt she still has her wedding dress (I'm not sure she kept it when they were married, to be fair), but of course, she still has all the photos.

luckiestgirl Sun 21-Jan-18 19:34:27

It’s all normal OP. Don’t worry about it

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 21-Jan-18 19:35:59

She needs to get divorced and I’d be pretty worried about her not even starting the process yet.

How long ago did she separate from her ex? How long have you been seeing each other?

To be honest I wouldn’t consider her to be very committed to you until she’s filed the papers to end her marriage.

PugwallsSummer Sun 21-Jan-18 19:37:33

Is it out on display? If not, I don't think you need to worry. Obviously if you're having to look at it every time you visit, you might need to suggest storing it away.

When did they split?

WunWun Sun 21-Jan-18 19:39:15

I'd never throw out pictures of an ex.

category12 Sun 21-Jan-18 19:41:35

It's not weird to keep, I don't think - I still have my dress and photos from the wedding - I looked amazing wink.

I have zero interest in my ex-spouse and do not mourn our marriage, however.

How long have they been split?

DextroDependant Sun 21-Jan-18 19:41:38

Are you my DP?

I am still married because I don't want to throw any more money at that particular relationship. I have better things to spend £550 on.

I have my album because my wedding was beautiful, my kids looked gorgeous and they might want it one day.

marmitecrumpets Sun 21-Jan-18 19:43:07

They've been split nearly 2 years.

We've been together nearly a year.

She's adamant she wants to be with me, talks about marrying me etc. She's so lovely, and I feel lucky to be with her. I'm just a bit scared that maybe a part of her doesn't want to get divorced. She insists that's not the case, that's it's just the money.

Bogmoppit Sun 21-Jan-18 19:46:01

I'm not getting rid of my photos when I divorce. It was a huge part of my life and only went shit at the end. I think it is very unhealthy for you to expect her to erase the past because you feel insecure.

I'm thinking of donating my dress to charity. I don't think any family would want to wear it as marriage ended in divorce. But maybe it can help someone afford a wedding dress that they didn't think they could.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 21-Jan-18 20:04:43

I really wouldn’t worry about the dress or photos. I would want a clear idea of when she’s going to be divorced. I didn’t see if she has DC, if not it’s even simpler and quicker to do. She needs to let you know when it’s going to be enough of a priority to get it done.

Are you genuinely comfortable talking about getting married when she’s still married to another man?

loveyoutothemoon Sun 21-Jan-18 20:23:16

It's normal.

She sounds lovely but you'll end up pushing her away, going on about her photos and dress. You've been together a year, that's nothing, she'll get divorced when the time is right, not when you push her.

mrssapphirebright Sun 21-Jan-18 21:05:46

I'm married to my third and final husband op. This time it's for life. He's the only man for me. I still have the dresses and albums from my other weddings. They are a piece of my history.

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 21-Jan-18 21:12:15

It is an issue if they remain legally /technically married - it will impact on who gets left what, who is next of kin etc.

In regard to the photos - its not overly weird they've kept them, but it's also not overly weird it bothers you. If you can talk to them regarding the fallout of staying married first and foremost you will be able to tell if your worries are well founded or not.

Lookatyourwatchnow Sun 21-Jan-18 21:21:36

I still have my dress somewhere and I think my ex is a cunt, if this helps.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Sun 21-Jan-18 21:28:31

I've still got my wedding dress and photos from my first marriage - I am currently remarried to a thoughtful partner who wouldn't dream of attempting to make me erase the past by destroying those photos or material objects from my history.
We don't just consist of who we are in the present - we are a complex mixture of our past selves too. Why would you want to erase that from your partner's life?

shouldwestayorshouldwego Sun 21-Jan-18 21:32:35

Can you think about saving together for the divorce as it seems to bother you more than her.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Sun 21-Jan-18 21:34:37

Think of it as an extra wedding expense however if once the money has been saved and she doesn't get a divorce then maybe reconsider your future.

SandyY2K Sun 21-Jan-18 23:00:29

Do you expect her to throw her album away? it's part of her history.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now