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Dealing with BIGOTED opinions of bf 🙄(178 Posts)
I’m really struggling with something and I would love some advice if anyone has a moment...
I’m two months pregnant with my boyfriend of two and a half years. We live together and he has an 8 year old son from his previous marriage who we see every Wednesday and every other weekend.
Now that I’m pregnant I’m so keen to move on and focus on a happy life together and make our family work. However, my boyfriend keeps dropping bombs that i simply can’t ignore. Some examples: Once in an big argument he was totally racist about my Jewish ex-husband. He never apologised or tried to take it back.
Earlier today he commented on a lady on the tv’s clothes, saying she shouldn’t wear that dress as it made her ‘Tits look saggy’ (literally didn’t though) and her boyfriend should have told her not to wear it as she looked pregnant. 😡
Just now, while sitting down to do his sons homework, he said it didn’t matter if he did what was instructed or not. I argued that it might be a better idea to encourage him to follow the instructions his teachers set and do it properly and he stroppily said ‘No, he should do it how I said, it’s more important to be fun...’ I said we could make it fun and do it properly, but he got annoyed and said that it didn’t matter what the teachers thought- they were stupid and that’s why they’re only teachers. I mean what the hell kind of attitude is that!!
These fundamental differences in opinions worries me that I just shouldn’t be with him. My mum was a teacher and I’m deeply offended by the things he says. He has lots of redeeming features of course, but if his views are so bigoted, how can I get past them? I can’t dictate what he says around his own son, but I wouldn’t want my child around that kind of attitude. He thinks the gender pay gap is justified too and doesn’t listen to my opposing view and just says I don’t understand business. So frustrating, what can I do?! Any advice on how to approach the subject?
I was in a relatoonship with a man who sounds just like your bf, he was very good to me and I SO wanted it to work, to the point where I came very close to a nervous breakdown. You' ll find you cant just ignore this sort of thing.
I wouldn’t want my child around that kind of attitude
There's your answer.
I think the key here is whether he is open to having his mind changed. Some people have grown up in environments where there isn't as much tolerance for difference and they haven't been pulled up on these views. When you challenge him, how does he respond? If he shows some openness to having his mind changed, there may be hope. If he's inherently rigidly intolerant, I'm not sure...
I'd love to know what his fantastic job was and how he got there without teachers.
My God, how the hell did you end up in a 2 and half year relationship, living with him, and pregnant with his child in the first place?! I find it hard to believe you never heard him say a bigoted comment before you fell pregnant, or before you moved in together . Sorry that probably sounds really judgey and I'm sorry for that, but if I heard someone say any of those things early on in a relationship, that would be the end of the relationship. Fuck going out with someone with truly hateful, dangerous views. Saying racist things about your ex-husband is actually horrendous. I don't know how you could possibly have looked past that for so long. So I don't really have advice other than leave him. There is no way I could go out with someone with those views - and I'd say 'nor have a child with him' but it's too late for that now.
Fuck me. I want to punch him in the face.
and i never get violent.
Hank you so much for all the answers!
He listens to an extent but I get the feeling that he is just agreeing to pacify me and end an argument and that his opinions are actually pretty rigid. Plus after calling him out on similar things in the past he has done it again and again.
Annoyingly I get flustered when trying to put my point across and end up not saying the clever and considered things that I want to so I almost want to prepare a PowerPoint presentation for him!
When someone shows you their true nature, believe it, & go now. He will only get worse as your baby gets older & his controlling nasty ways get worse ( sorry but classic scenario, gits like him often get worse when a relationship becomes a family)
What are your options? Do you own the house / flat you are in if tenants are you both on the tenancy?
Low self esteem and ‘blinded by love’ has played a part here unfortunately. And stupidly listening to promises that he will change 😕
I’m about to get some inheritance that will make it easier for me to be independent. And we’re just renting, lease runs out in April... looking for houses to buy. It’s really make or break now and I just feel pretty stupid.
If he has always been this way why have you decided to have a child with him?
I suspect you are wasting your time trying to "show him" what an utter pratt he is, by use of powerpoint or whatever.
Bella I hope I didn't sound too arsey in my post. You are a good person and you know those views are totally unacceptable and you also know he has no willingness to change nor even apologise acceptably after the fact. Start making arrangements now and find your own place/move back in with family or friends.
Awful man. He's not trying to hide his ugly self now he thinks he has you. The balance of power has shifted in his eyes now that you're pregnant. I hope you are financially independent from him.
He holds you in contempt because you're a woman. He holds your ex in contempt because he's Jewish. He holds your mother in contempt because she's a teacher AND she's a woman.
I can't see any redeeming features - he's a vile human being. He's racist and misogynist. Personally, I'd have an abortion.
You can leave him, but as the dad, he'll still be involved in your child's life forever.
It's not make or break now. You can break up any time. (I would suggest you do it now because he sounds
horrible, really horrible. But even if you don't do it now, there is always next week, next month, next year.) be brave.
He's a misogynist and an anti-Semite. Unfortunately you chose to have a child with him so your child will be exposed to these views. You'll have to spend the next 18 years trying to mitigate his terrible influence.
Don’t worry MeadowHay- I do get your point. I admit there were a couple of red flags early on, but not as badly as recently. He has been amazing for the last month since we found out I was pregnant and then all the above comments in the last few days. I want to put it down to stress or something but people just down come out with stuff like that unless they really think it deep down.
I actually feel guilty to ‘bitch’ about him and have everyone thinking this way about him, but I only said the truth and this is the reaction. Not sure what I expected really
Let's hope you don't have a daughter then seeing as her genitalia mean she's worth less according to the arsehole you live with.
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