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Relationships

Mum with dementia and I don't want to help

53 replies

birdybirdbird · 21/01/2018 15:42

My Mum (not a 'D'M) have a very poor relationship. So as not to dripfeed, I'll try and explain the back ground as quickly as possible. She has long standing mental health issues and was a single parent alcoholic throughout my childhood. She was, at best, neglectful and, at worst, emotionally abusive. I moved FAR away when I was 18 and have remained so ever since. I did however stay in contact, although I do regret that I never severed ties. There were certainly some very clear points where I would have been justified in doing so. Around 7 years ago, she has a major alcoholic crisis and nearly died. After this she finally started the road to recovery and has been sober for around 4 years. There is no-one else. I'm an only child, her parents (who I adored and basically brought me up) died 10+ years ago and her siblings live abroad.

Fast forward to now and she has diagnosed dementia, best fit seems to be Alzheimers, but neurologist acknowledges it's not clear cut. She has lurched from crisis to crisis and we are now at the point where she has carers 4 times daily. She is still capable in many ways - cooks, attends appointments etc - mainly she has issues with her short term memory.
Everytime I speak to her it's a constant barrage of negativity and she just seems to dump every single problem on me and expects me to sort it out. I have repeatedly bailed her out financially (and then she promptly got herself in another huge mess). I have spent hours emailing and phoning companies to avoid her being taken to court. The latest thing is that a neighbour has mentioned a house issue, which is clearly linked to the fact that hers has been poorly kept, but "You can discuss it with her when you are next visiting". So she now expects me to sort and pay for that too?! She is always moaning about the carers and thinks she doesn't really need them. She is incredibly manipulative and play people off against each other. She 'really needs me to go up soon' - I was there at Xmas and, you know, I do have a life and other commitments. She has absolutely no concept of how much hurt she has caused me in the past and how much stress she puts me under now. There has been precious little apology or making amends for my childhood and hardly anything thanks for all the shit I do for her now.

I just don't know what to do anymore. She has treated me terribly my entire life, I basically parented her from the age of 6, and she still expects to be able to just dump everything on my doorstep and quite frankly, I just don't want to deal with it anymore. But I can't possibly walk away from a woman with dementia though. Can I?!

OP posts:
Buggeritimgettingup · 21/01/2018 15:51

Yes you can.

cherryontopp · 21/01/2018 16:01

Yup you can. It's not your fault she has dementia. Shes got no one else cos shes been horrible most of her life. She can deal with it. You owe her nothing

newtlover · 21/01/2018 16:09

perhaps you could set some boundaries?
explain that you have your own priorities (you might explain that you feel no real debt to her due to her abuse) but you are prepared to support
eg you will pay for a cleaner once a week, you will visit 4 times a year but no more.

Thehogfather · 21/01/2018 16:09

The way I see it, your parents care for you as a child, and you repay that as far as possible as an adult if they need care when they are elderly.

But she didn't take care of you so there is nothing to repay. More importantly, it isn't just the physical toll, it's the mental strain of being forced into regular contact with someone toxic. Caring for a lovely person with dementia is a huge strain, and even lovely people with dementia can say and do some really hurtful things. Someone who was selfish and unpleasant to start with would be hellish for anyone to care for, let alone someone in your position.

She's already stolen your childhood so no right to your adulthood too. If you want to walk away then you are more than entitled to.

MoseShrute · 21/01/2018 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlandboy · 21/01/2018 16:18

You really can walk away you know. If you feel you need someone's permission to do so then I give it to you.
I'm in a similar situation and I'm all for self preservation. If someone says to me "oh but she's your Mum" then ignore them like I do. They do not walk in your shoes, so they have no idea.

Remember, look after yourself. Just you. Not her.

springydaffs · 21/01/2018 16:18

I've just had an uncannily similar long phone call with a friend about precisely this!

Yes you can, of course you can, and you'd be justified. But I'm not sure that would be the end of the pain and angst.

I was similarly chewed up by close toxic relatives over Christmas. Like you I got dragged further in bcs of major crises (namely elderly mum) and I was a sitting duck for my awful families machinations. I also thought 'fuck this, I can't take any more' and resolved to step away.

Note I've had the chance to smooth my feathers I realised I lost sight of my objectives re I can lead my own life AND look out for my mum. They don't have to be mutually exclusive, I can do them both together. BUT I need to keep a close eye on keeping myself safe - I am after all in the lions den and needn't be surprised if I get mauled.

Some would say get out of the den. OK, fair enough, that's a choice. It's a stark choice and I wouldn't be happy with that long term. I want to be there for my hopelessly damaged (and damaging) mum in her final days. Those with the ' off with her head' script will insist I'm ambushed by FOG and I'm only responsible for my own life yadda yadda. There is such a thing as love, even the undeserved kind.

She'll never be the mum I want - NEVER - and I need to accept that. She will never say sorry eg. You mum similarly is like a child - which is the nature of her malaise - and she's not going to grow up now. Give and she'll take. You have to accept it will ever be thus and cut your cloth accordingly.

Plus she needs to go into assisted housing. You can't possibly do all that when you live so far away. So tough. She'll make a fuss but too bad.

Is she doing 12 step? If not she'll be a dry drunk, as hellish and disordered and chaotic as ever.

Have you been to Al anon. Oh please do if not. You'll get your boundaries sorted there Flowers

(sorry for long post)

Emily7708 · 21/01/2018 16:19

You certainly can. And you should. Start putting yourself first and just cut the woman off. You’ve done more than your bit for her. This current situation will only get much worse and could drag on for years. You owe her nothing.

springydaffs · 21/01/2018 16:20

I meant 'so, tough! ' as in she'll have to accept it

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2018 16:21

You can walk away. Or you can set limits and boundaries on how and when you help. You are probably aware that the more you do the less outside support there will be, so certainly don't do anything you're not happy to carry on doing. I'd certainly stop with financial help (ie giving her money).

birdybirdbird · 21/01/2018 16:23

Thank you for all the responses. I never thought it would be such a relief to have strangers on the internet tell me IANBU!

I'm not sure I am strong enough to actually turn my back on her - partly because I couldn't take the judgement from the few friends she has and my aunty (they very much try to drag me back in at any given opportunity). But I think I do need to insert some strong boundaries. I don't know if there's a lot to gain by rehashing the past to explain my reasons. I'm not sure if she accurately remembers it all to be honest, she certainly has some rose tinted views about our life then...

Do you think that writing it in a letter would be a good way to go?

OP posts:
Offred · 21/01/2018 16:25

Yes, I think you can TBH.

I think also that the expectation that family will care often just leads to abuse, neglect and generally poor care.

Even if you do love your family member that doesn’t mean that you have the skills, support or capacity to be their carer.

People who are being drawn into caring for a family member need to make a really holistic assessment about what is needed, for how long, whether they have the capacity (emotionally as well as physically and financially) to provide what is needed and whether they are going to be capable of sustaining the recquired care over time.

You also need to consider when it may become unmanageable and how to get out of the caring role when that happens.

From what you have said you are not able to provide the care that she needs already and this has resulted in you being drawn into enabling things that are examples of her not functioning (bailing her out) which is not helpful for either of you.

There is no shame at all in saying ‘I can’t give you what you need’, it is actually responsible and caring to bow out when you are not able to care.

springydaffs · 21/01/2018 16:25

As long as you don't send it.

Have you had any therapy around all this?

Please go to Al anon!

springydaffs · 21/01/2018 16:27

Brilliant post from Offred

birdybirdbird · 21/01/2018 16:30

@Springydaffs, that sentence about underserved love rings so true!

Regarding her recovery, she had a brief stint in rehab and then went to a local support group. I'm not really sure what programme it was but it certainly wasn't AA (she rejected that regularly when I was a kid. I often wondered if it's because she didn't really care for the apology/making amends portion of it...) I think the underlying issues that lead to her drinking are still there but her mood is controlled better through medication these days.

She is keen to go into and is on list for sheltered housing but there's not a lot of movement (rural area). That and the fact that she's adamant that she won't move too far away from her current house... It's just a classic 'everything has to be on my terms' and there's never any compromise or sacrifice on her part.

OP posts:
scrabbler3 · 21/01/2018 16:30

If her friends and your aunty are that bothered about her, they should feel free to intercede themselves. They have no say in what YOU do. It doesn't matter what they think.

LizzieSiddal · 21/01/2018 16:32

Flowers yes you can walk away.

Think of it as going non contact, which is what a lot if people do with abusive parents. And your mother certainly was/is abusuve to you.

I and 2 of my siblings went non contact with my mum, also alcoholic. She abandoned us when I was 3, and we never had a close relationship but she expected so much from us as adults. We put up with years of drama, nastiness, and lies and one incident just finished us off. She died a year later and I did not feel anything but relief. Yes I know that makes me sound awful but I also know it’s a very natural reaction when you’ve had a Mum who never showed you she loved or cared for you.

You have every right to do what suits you, to preserve your sanity. Flowers

springydaffs · 21/01/2018 16:35

(thing is though that not all mothers/parents are out and out toxic. Most have a mixture of very good and very bad with shades in between.)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/01/2018 16:38

I couldn't take the judgement from the few friends she has and my aunty (they very much try to drag me back in at any given opportunity)

I absolutely understand this, but in the nicest possible way, you may find you have to learn to ignore them if you want to improve things for yourself. Right now they'll drag you in at every turn because they won't want to deal with things themselves, so they'll fight still harder against any "adjustments" you try to make

As PPs have said, you really can step away from this if you choose - but that choice is yours to make and nobody else's

LizzieSiddal · 21/01/2018 16:39

scrabbler3

If her friends and your aunty are that bothered about her, they should feel free to intercede themselves. They have no say in what YOU do. It doesn't matter what they think

I agree with this very much! Mothers friends, were very vocal about awful her dc were Hmm I decided they had not one iota if an idea as to what it was like to have her as a Mum, so they had no right to comment on how I behaved as a daughter.

You need to be certain and firm in your decisions and do not let anyone’s “opinion” bother you. Do you have a friend or partner who can support you through this. My Dh was an absolute rock and kept reassuring me I was not to feel guilty.

LizzieSiddal · 21/01/2018 16:40

Please excuse typos!

Haffdonga · 21/01/2018 16:46

As long as you keep turning up and sorting things out for her, you will be expected to keep turning up - expected by her, by her neighbour, by social services and by every other service she needs. If she has dementia her condition and the expectations on you will get worse either slowly or very quickly but only worse. Eventually she wont be able to attend her own appointments without you to remind and take her and she won't be able to look after herself. What you do for her will never be enough in her eyes, the neighbour's eyes all the services' eyes because she will inevitably need more than you alone can give.

I think you have 3 options at the moment.

  1. Suck it up. Decide it's your duty and choose to be her support as she fails. Be prepared for a long and difficult journey but try to look at it as positively as you can as your choice.
  2. Withdraw all contact and support. If you choose this I'd be very honest with all the services, neighbours and anyone who asks you to help, that you are not supporting her because she was abusive to you as a child and you are not able to take that role.
  3. A compromise reduced level of support, trying to put systems and services in place without actually doing it yourself. This is the most tempting but hardest to do because either you are the person with Power of attorney or not, either you are on the forms as her next of kin if she needs medical treatment or not. Perhaps you could manage to step back to this sort of situation by inventing a really busy period of your life (promotion at work? moving house? new child? cat? goldfish?). Whatever. You will need to explain to everyone repeatedly that you're sorry you're not going to be able to sort out your mum's leaking roof or take her to the chiropodist or turn up when the carer cant make it in the snow because you are busy with your goldfish. And repeat.


Sorry to be brutal, OP. Dementia is a terrible condition for everyone, but especially for relatives living with the repercussions. I know it feels harsh and cruel to cut her support now but if you don't do it now it will be almost impossible a few months or years down the line when it has become the norm.

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GoodStuffAnnie · 21/01/2018 16:49

I have experienced this. Its hell.

The chaos, the nastiness, the poeple trying to drag you back in, the expectations.

hogfather summed it up as well.
the mental strain of being forced into regular contact with someone toxic.

I gradually withdrew a bit, but it was very hard. With requests for things I would put a small barrier up. If she wanted me to change her gas supplier for example, I would say no problem, gather up your last three bills and then i'll do it. I made her do a little bit of work first. Of course, she NEVER did her bit, so job done, less for me to do.

I am in a similar situation now with my Grandma, but not as bad.

I would recommend asking yourself what you can live with. Sit down for 10 minutes on your own and work out what makes you comfortable, so you can live a guilt free life. Eg. I will visit every 3 months and ring every Sunday.

Of course you can go no contact, I just wanted to give you my experience.

x

parklives · 21/01/2018 16:59

I've worked with elderly people with dementia.
Even the families who were loving and close while the elderly person was well start drifting away.
Op you should do as much as you can do (if you wish) without it draining or costing you too much.
It doesn't sound like you 'owe' your mum anything, and that was her choice, not yours.

Joysmum · 21/01/2018 17:02

Are the financial issues going back many many years or fairly recent?

I ask because my DFIL’s financial affairs were dreadful and looking back through his affairs it started when his dementia had started but was back then undiagnosed.

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