My Mum (not a 'D'M) have a very poor relationship. So as not to dripfeed, I'll try and explain the back ground as quickly as possible. She has long standing mental health issues and was a single parent alcoholic throughout my childhood. She was, at best, neglectful and, at worst, emotionally abusive. I moved FAR away when I was 18 and have remained so ever since. I did however stay in contact, although I do regret that I never severed ties. There were certainly some very clear points where I would have been justified in doing so. Around 7 years ago, she has a major alcoholic crisis and nearly died. After this she finally started the road to recovery and has been sober for around 4 years. There is no-one else. I'm an only child, her parents (who I adored and basically brought me up) died 10+ years ago and her siblings live abroad.
Fast forward to now and she has diagnosed dementia, best fit seems to be Alzheimers, but neurologist acknowledges it's not clear cut. She has lurched from crisis to crisis and we are now at the point where she has carers 4 times daily. She is still capable in many ways - cooks, attends appointments etc - mainly she has issues with her short term memory.
Everytime I speak to her it's a constant barrage of negativity and she just seems to dump every single problem on me and expects me to sort it out. I have repeatedly bailed her out financially (and then she promptly got herself in another huge mess). I have spent hours emailing and phoning companies to avoid her being taken to court. The latest thing is that a neighbour has mentioned a house issue, which is clearly linked to the fact that hers has been poorly kept, but "You can discuss it with her when you are next visiting". So she now expects me to sort and pay for that too?! She is always moaning about the carers and thinks she doesn't really need them. She is incredibly manipulative and play people off against each other. She 'really needs me to go up soon' - I was there at Xmas and, you know, I do have a life and other commitments. She has absolutely no concept of how much hurt she has caused me in the past and how much stress she puts me under now. There has been precious little apology or making amends for my childhood and hardly anything thanks for all the shit I do for her now.
I just don't know what to do anymore. She has treated me terribly my entire life, I basically parented her from the age of 6, and she still expects to be able to just dump everything on my doorstep and quite frankly, I just don't want to deal with it anymore. But I can't possibly walk away from a woman with dementia though. Can I?!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Mum with dementia and I don't want to help
birdybirdbird · 21/01/2018 15:42
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