When your family can be nice/ helpful but also a bit crap

[malificent7]

I moced near to my patents when i got pregnant as i was alone and in many ways they were fab...put me up for 6 months till i fpund my own place.

However there is a lot of unresolved stuff from my childhood due to mums abuse of me. I was the black sheep and noone seems surprised when things go wrong for me whereas my sister has been effortlessly succesful.
Mum has since died when dd was 3 and dad got together with his dp 3 months after mum died which i was a bit upset about but also happy. Dsis was much more upset .

His dp is lovely but they can both be such hard work.

When i got with dp my dad threw a hissy fit due to loss of cobtrol and kept needling me about my career choices ...i am struggling to find a permanent role...i dp work v hard though.

He sees the fact that i am not a high flier and struggling as a single mum as a major deficiency on my part. He said when i got together with dp that he never would have put himself in the position of being a single parent.

That stung as he stayed in an unhappy marriage for years and he was v controlling towards my mum.

So i dont want to go nc as he is great with dd but if we are in a room for longer than galf an hour we have an argument.

There are other things that grate. Ddad and his dp are always laughing at us for getting up at 6 in the morning to go to work and seem to love the fact that im struggling away to make a living.

I guess once there is hurt in the family it is hard to erase.

[malificent7]

Typos sorry.....
I moved near my parents
Loss of control
longer than half an hour

[Gemini69]

is it a family pattern of continually putting you down that he has just carried on ?

you must think of your own mental well being.. people kicking you constantly is not healthy and I wouldn't encourage anyone to remain in such an environment...

[malificent7]

Its hard though as he does help with dd and has a good relationship with her .Also he babysits which is invaluable.

He does criticise me and he is never impressed really. When i got a job he as happy but when he found it was fixex term he actually had a proper pddy...stamped his feet and eveything. When i tell him that most jobs in my field are temporary he dosnt beleive me .
If i did a peice of Art he wouldnt pass commeng whilst he raves about hid dps dd and her art.

He has always bigged up my friend's achievements xx

[malificent7]

Proper paddy sorry ..

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You can break the cycle by having nothing further to do with your dad and his partner. You were not put here to be so badly mistreated and abused.

Do seriously consider finding another sitter; your dad was not a good parent to you when growing up and nothing really has changed since. He was abusive then and he still is towards you now, he has gone onto have another partner who is probably not too dissimilar to your late abuser of a mother.

Toxic people like your dad more often than not make for being toxic as grandparents as well. It will do your child no favours at all in the long run for her to see you as her mother be so disrespected. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and you're still very much their scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

Do post too on the thread entitled "well we took you to Stately Homes" on these pages and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

[Gemini69]

fins another reliable Babysitter.... do you want your DD being around a man that has no respect for her Mothers Art Skill or your ability as a parents and breadwinner

[malificent7]

Its not that simple..i think i have something called learned helplessness if that makes sense..in other words i rely on him too much.

Its a weird relationship.

[malificent7]

It was my mum who was abusive...my dad was an enabler/ in denial.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its a codependent and dysfunctional relationship. Your dad actively likes seeing you struggle and be unhappy in the process.

You need to unlearn all the crap that you were taught about relationships from a young age. Your parents between them taught you codependency and you really need to unlearn that state because your child cannot afford to learn that. You have a choice here re this man, your child does not.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would argue that your dad is abusive as well, he controlled your mother and seems to take great delight in having a go at you. He failed you as a parent also because he failed to protect you from his abusive late wife. No wonder your self worth is through the floor, he has done this to you as well.

[malificent7]

But he can becreally nice too and will help out by getting dd things like school shoes. I think i need councelling.

He was very interested in my inheritance from my nan. In fact it ended up in his bank account and he doled out as and when needed ...like i was a child.


Messed up i know...

[malificent7]

He is also kind to dd in other ways and she loves him.

[Gemini69]

what ?!?! you GAVE your Dad your inheritance ?! to dish out as and when HE saw fit ???? what the hell are you thinking ? Why would you do that OP ? would cold he possibly have said to you that made you think that handing over you inheritance to him was a good idea ??

[Gemini69]

*could

[Lisette40]

My family is a bit like this OP - controlling. They'll do something for me and then use it against me like a debt if I don't fall into line. They use anger to control and openly chip away at me in front of my child. No respect for me or boundaries. They stormed out during a visit 18 months ago because i put boundaries in place. So I've left it at that. I'd love to have a genuinely loving family but that's not on offer so I'll do my own thing. Good luck and don't put up with crap from them.

[Gemini69]

honestly.. i hope you find the strength to stand up for yourself

[Isetan]

Your Dad is abusive, just a different type of abuse from your Mother’s. It’s almost like he’s picked up your Mother’s abusive baton that because available upon her death.

What are the chances that your father’s controlling ways will be extended to your daughter? What is the likelihood that your dysfunctional dynamic with your father will become the role she adopts when the cycle moves to her? How likely would you be able to protect her from your father’s controlling and abusive tendencies, if you can’t protect yourself as an adult?

Yeah you do need counselling and it should be a priority, if not for you, for your daughter. This cycle needs breaking and as he’s crafted the status quo, he isn’t going to be the one to end it.

[malificent7]

Hi all. I just feel so confused by it all and guilty for even starting this thread.
In the past he has helped me so much which im very grateful but also used it as a stick to beat me with.

Im no angel. I had a lot of mh problems and an abusive bf growing up . I know he lives me and i do think he wants me to get a permanent job so i xan ve in a more stable position.

I wont go no contact as dd lives him but i feel weird about it all.

[malificent7]

Loves him

[malificent7]

So low contact is better for me.