I don't fancy him anymore

[rightabout01]

My boyfriend is a lovely person who looks after me very well in so many ways. However his lack of ambition has turned me off. When we got together three years ago I knew that he didn't work - he has since got part-time work in a bar. He is happy to still live at home aged 27 and has no ambition to move out, own a place, get a better job, Etc. He tells me to organise everything (as I'm better at sort of thing) when we do arrange to go away places. He always pays his half, and will treat me to dinner couple times a week. He is from a well enough to do family.

I have a good job, I'm very ambitious and driven. I am getting over two significant losses in my life. When I met my bf I knew he was lost and I wanted to help him. We had got talking in the bar about his depression. I'm 6 years older and I played the older sister role but then we ended up in a relationship.

I loved seeing him change, taking more pride in his appearance. He was genuinely interested in being a good friend listening to me talk about everything that I've been through.

I just feel now that I'm not attracted to him, if I ever was, and I'm wasting his time thinking I'm going to settle down with him. I feel he has no life experience and he's not capable of knowing what true love and commitment is.

He also doesn't drive and I'm resentful of being the one always having to drive us everywhere. He says he is who he is - and I shouldn't have got involved thinking I'd change him. We have had this conversation before but that's always his answer.

I want him to be ambitious and have a life plan but he doesn't have one. I told him I could never have children with someone who couldn't offer me and a baby stability.

[user764329056]

I think you’ve outgrown him, as someone who has also done the fixing thing with a partner who was lost and messed up I do know where you’re coming from and rather than him being a sexy troubled soul now his lack of ambition is unattractive and irritating. Sorry to say I think the relationship has run its course and you need someone with more motivation

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

You're a 33 year old mature woman and he's a 27 year old teenager.

You're way past the stage he's got stuck at.

Get out of it now OP before you waste more time.

[rightabout01]

Thanks you both for your comments. I think you've both confirmed what I knew to be true in my heart. I think I've grown and changed, whereas he has just stayed the same. Happy for me to pick him up, make all the plans and decisions. He is good when I ask for help, and actually a very sweet, gentle person but I don't feel he's the one for me but I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe I just need to be single for a while. Breaking up is going to be hard to do.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

I would find that lack of work ethic and get-up-and-go very frustrating and unappealing. I'd find it hard to treat him like an adult, tbh.

Move on. You can't change him. Find someone who suits you better. FWIW I don't think his parents are doing him any favours by letting him stay at home and just work part-time.

[Knaffedoff]

I was like you 20 yrs ago, but too afraid to make changes, in the end my bf at the time, realised the differences between us and we mutually agreed to split. I was devastated but got over, we are still friends but I would have been desperately unhappy if we had stayed together. My ex met a lovely wife and she helped him to realise his dreams and I met my dh and live a much life as a result.

[Bellamuerte]

It doesn't sound like a lack of physical attraction. More like you have different life goals. It's ok to break up because your plans for the future aren't compatible with his.

[user1493413286]

I don’t mean this unkindly but the way you’ve written this it sounds like you met him and thought you could “save” him and improve his life whereas he is how he wants to be and hasn’t ever pretended to be any different.
I think you need to be with someone who has he same drive as you and the same goals.

[Annabelle4]

End it now before you waste any more precious time on him.

I've just remembered that I had an ex exactly the same as him. Late 20's , Lived at home and no desire to move out, worked in a chippie (nothing wrong with that but lacked ambition) didn't drive.
The funny thing is is that soon after we broke up, he moved in with his new partner (now wife), got a professional job, bought a home, car etc.
I'm not saying that yours will do the same, but it just goes to show that they will be willing to commit or change for someone else. I wouldn't wait for him to grow up anyway.

[rightabout01]

That's precisely the same situation as I'm in. I've read about other women whose non ambitious exes suddenly changed for the new women so maybe I'm just not pushing his buttons either. Maybe I'm too bossy and independent and in many ways a bit selfish. I'm his first serious girlfriend and I think he does love me but his idea of love isn't mine. I don't expect him to give me things, I can look after myself and plan on staying this way, I just want him to improve himself for himself and my being proud of him would be a byproduct of that. Anyway, I just texted him to arrange a walk to talk in person. It's been 5 days since we spoke after we argued on texts. He's not willing to change for me, even if I don't feel like he'd be changing for me, he'd be boosting his own self esteem and self confidence. Do I give him a chance to change? Do I just admit that I'm not proud of him?

[Hermonie2016]

Its absolutely fine for you to break up.Your description of how you got together sounds like you rescued him.
I had a similar boyfriend in my 20s, kept hoping he would change.By late 20s its unlikely.

The not driving/working would be so frustrating as it means you are not equal partners.If you has a child would you have to get a taxi when in labour? Move on..be single and focus on yourself and the right man will come into your life.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

Oh as soon as someone says 'I am who i am you can't change me' my hackles rise. We all need to grown, develop and adapt to new circumstances we're in and, if we want to remain with our partner, to compromise.
My ex husband used to say the same thing and it was kind of endearing when we were dating but being married to it was a nightmare. No room for negotiation or compromise - no room for grievances or development or change 'I am who I am'. He would dig his heels in and refuse to change in any way - it was miserable.
You sound great - he sounds like an idiot.

[tenterden]

I wouldn't worry about it - most relationships reach their sell by date and this one has reached a conclusion.

Just end it and move on.